Is he trying to change me? Or am I being stupid and oversensitive?

[Rubiesandrainbows]

Im in a very good strong relationship and its been going for a year and we are talking about moving into together. I have a child from a previous relationship and he is great with him, no problems there.

The thing is, I think he is looking for the perfect girlfriend, I get on well with his friends and they agree this is the case, but say they all want "the perfect girlfriend" really (strangely, for me perfection = boring. I dont want to be perfect, it would be a life of dissapointment)

Anyway, over our time he obviously tells me what he likes and doesnt etc and the same vice versa as happens in all relationships. But lately, he's making comments on my choices like clothes, hair and makeup. He doesnt say he wants me to change anything but it seems like he does. My style is pretty sassy and fashionable, and i dont care too much about what others think, just go with my style.

A few weeks ago he mentioned hed likes longish french manicured fingernails and I always have short square nails in dark red, black, paradoxal etc. Anyway, yesterday I went to the nail salon and had the gel nails put on with the french manicure and when I got home I saw myself in the mirror with these nails and thought "my god, im changing into someone else" and I cried and told my partner I wanted some space.

Whats wrong with me? They;re just nails fgs. I feel like im being childish....but its really rocked my deep roots of our relationship. I feel like im just never going to be what he wants and I'm thinking about ending it.

Am I being oversensitive and reading too much into this? Help!

its a chanel nail varnish, like a dark purple mixed with grey :)

Ooh, just googled it... nice... I used to have an impressive collection of Chanel
myself, pre-kids, international business travel/expenses etc....

Some of the responses to this post are so extream. Many have jumped to the conclusion that this man is a controlling bastard, none of us know enough information to tell Rubiesandrainbows "get out now".

I lot of men request red underwear or have an opinion on weather their partners have tatoos etc and are not necessarily controlling bastards.

I think bring it up with him, let him know what you've been feeling. See how he responds, that will tell you a lot about what he thinks about you/your feelings.

I just fell in love with Paradoxal too, damn you, Rubie! I've got a clone of Riva, though (if it hasn't clogged up yet) so may just have to sail ahead of the wind ...

I think your plan's a good one. Watch out for undermining, it may increase in an imaginative variety of subtle ways.

Before I met XH#2, I reckoned I'd done a good job of curing myself of vulnerability to people like #1. I had, in a way - was physically, socially, financially & professionally confident, very much my own person and had no "need" of a partner. Unfortunately for me, #2 played on this by holding back, so I didn't feel my independence was threatened and yet my curiosity was piqued.

He knew X#1 had been very controlling wrt my appearance; he never criticised my look but talked as though I was insecure about it. Things like "I don't know why you're so worried, you look great." I hadn't been worried. Small things like that flew past me - they were illogical, so I didn't 'hear' them, iyswim. But they sank in all the same; I started second-guessing my choices, just as I'd done the first time round. It was bloody clever

He also complimented other women on their appearance, having not mentioned mine at all.

He managed to make me paranoid and possessive by the same means. The first few times he accused me of being unreasonable, I shrugged it off. The next few times, I argued. That somehow escalated the problem (still not sure how he pulled that off!) so, before long, I was getting paranoid and asking too many questions. Around this time he started disappearing for unpredictable stretches; as a 'paranoid nutcase' by now, I'd try really hard not to say anything about his vanishings, thus getting myself into all kinds of a state.

There's more - much more - but suffice to say, I'll be surprised if I ever manage to regain the level of self-reliance I enjoyed before meeting him. I'm just trying to give examples of one kind of covert aggression. Hope it made sense :)
Good luck. Remember to have fun!

ramade, with all due respect, what you advise is almost exactly what the OP is going to do

she made that decision after reading the replies to her OP

what does that tell you, reader ?

ask her if she thinks they haven't been useful, eh ?

TBH OP, from what you've said of him I wouldn't bother giving him the benefit of the doubt.

But I speak as someone who was with a controlling, emotional abuser for 7 years - 1 of which was spent just trying to get away from him - so I have zero tolerance for that stuff nowadays.

This might be controversial, and I don't want to derail the thread, but as I've been reading this thread and the descriptions of your boyfriend's attention to nails and hair and stuff, I just keep thinking how metrosexual. Not that there's anything wrong with guys being into grooming, but that level of attention is a turn off for me.

He seems obsessed with shallow things like image. And I can't help thinking he's read too many lad's mags. Expecting his girlfriend to have a gel toip french manicure and smooth, swishy hair. Sounds like the template for a lingerie model in Zoo doesn't it?

It's like he wants to play Barbies with real women or something. Struggling to understand what you see in him, OP.

*tip

Jesus Anyfucker calm down! I was slow writing/finishing my post, so by the time I pressed 'post message' a million people had posted. I'm dyslexic, sorry!

I guess my controversial question is: do you not find it a bit effeminate? I mean, maybe that's your type, but a guy who knew more about false nails and hair styling techniques than I did wouldn't do it for me.

I thought that about the nail wraps, mw! X#1 was a narcissist in search of a reflection, but at least he was up to speed (I bet he knows what colour Paradoxal is)

This isn't about his style credentials, though, is it. It's about his attitude to women, in particular Rubie.

I am perfectly calm, ramade

mw, I said something similar upthread

he actually sounds like a bitchy gay best friend

Oh for sure, gb, this is about him being a bit of a prick and not treating the OP like a human being, but like his own personal Barbie doll.

I just think there's a secondary issue here of him not being that great a catch due to giving too much of a shit about shallow things.

Lol, AF.

I bet he fake tans.

I know what's been going through my head when I try to picture this guy! The Only Way Is Essex.

mw!

I bet he waxes

I did get what you meant, btw - not only a Barbie stylist, but one with rotten fashion sense.

Does he like lace-top stockings and white satin undies, OP? Kind of 'dirty but clean'?

Sorry, that was below the suspender belt.

hey everyone once again great replies and very funny too

So, I told him how I felt, and that for me my appearance is heavily linked into my personality and identity and he said he was sorry, admitted he lad lately made quite a few comments. I said look I dont mind you saying things, I probobley do the same to you like "I like you in that colour" etc but that all his comments seemed to be one after the other. Then he kind of made me feel a bit insecure because he said that now he felt like he was going to have to watch what he said to me, incase I get upset. So that left me feeling a bit...well...stupid really.

So he's turning the issue back on to you again then - as in it's now your problem for being upset about him saying things, rather than the issue being him trying to mould you into something you don't want to be?

He shouldn't have to watch what he says because it shouldn't enter his head to say it in the first place.

Don't feel stupid. Look at your nails. Your lovely nails, that YOU love. Now extend your middle finger, look at that lovely one middle nail, turn it round and show him.

That's a real dick move trying to turn it round on you.

His correct response should have been: "oh my god I'm so sorry I made you feel that way. I will do everything I can to make sure you feel secure and wonderful".

The response you got is: "what a massive inconvenience that I know have to check myself before I say anything in case I hurt your feelings".

Cock.

know = now

Gah I am so annoyed for you at that response!! He just doesn't get it does he? He is going to need to watch what he says in case he gets the whole of MN coming down on his sorry ass frankly.

Then he kind of made me feel a bit insecure ... that left me feeling a bit stupid

Nuff said.

Agree with everything madonna has said.

Can you really be arsed with this OP?

Flisspaps is right. Why will it be so hard for him not to make negative comments about your appearance?