Is he trying to change me? Or am I being stupid and oversensitive?

[Rubiesandrainbows]

Im in a very good strong relationship and its been going for a year and we are talking about moving into together. I have a child from a previous relationship and he is great with him, no problems there.

The thing is, I think he is looking for the perfect girlfriend, I get on well with his friends and they agree this is the case, but say they all want "the perfect girlfriend" really (strangely, for me perfection = boring. I dont want to be perfect, it would be a life of dissapointment)

Anyway, over our time he obviously tells me what he likes and doesnt etc and the same vice versa as happens in all relationships. But lately, he's making comments on my choices like clothes, hair and makeup. He doesnt say he wants me to change anything but it seems like he does. My style is pretty sassy and fashionable, and i dont care too much about what others think, just go with my style.

A few weeks ago he mentioned hed likes longish french manicured fingernails and I always have short square nails in dark red, black, paradoxal etc. Anyway, yesterday I went to the nail salon and had the gel nails put on with the french manicure and when I got home I saw myself in the mirror with these nails and thought "my god, im changing into someone else" and I cried and told my partner I wanted some space.

Whats wrong with me? They;re just nails fgs. I feel like im being childish....but its really rocked my deep roots of our relationship. I feel like im just never going to be what he wants and I'm thinking about ending it.

Am I being oversensitive and reading too much into this? Help!

I don't think you need it spelling out, Rubie, but just in case.

In order to stop telling you what to do with yourself, he says, he'll have to watch his words. This means he will be thinking you should do this, that and the other to change yourself. It will be uncomfortable for him to keep those thoughts to himself.

And he's made sure you know this.

He wants you to know he's still thinking you should change. He's telling you it's inconvenient for him to consider your feelings.

Because you're a nice, normal, considerate person, you don't like making someone feel uncomfortable. So you felt "a bit stupid" - for what? Most likely, for asking him to do something as difficult as keeping his insulting thoughts to himself. See what he did there?

Why don't you stick those red flags up your arse ! God you people are so over the top. The guy may as well be a mass murderer the way you people are condemning him !!

Rubies, have a look at this Who am I? - inspired by your thread. It seems your story struck a chord with a few of us.

Anything on that thread ring a bell?

You made a very good point there, Change99, and I'd love to discuss it with you in more detail. Your point of view's really refreshing, but I think it would come across a lot better if you extended your vocabulary a little. And would you mind writing in French? It's so much more sophisticated.

he is a murderer (said in dodgy Scots accent)

he is a killer of self esteem

If he is so consumed by negative thoughts that he's going to struggle to keep them in.......yet again he's put you down.

Reading this with interest. Not in a relationship at present but by god, do I recognise all these signs. It's the subtleness that's so clever. Happens so slowly over so long that you don't realise what's happened till it's too late - you're entrenched, with no self exteme and can't leave. Or you're fighting like billy-o on a daily basis, taking verbal chunks out of each other.

Listen to all these women OP but mostly listen to your instincts. They rarely lie.

But if you / we are all wrong and he is a good guy, well then, he'll want to prove it to you - at your pace. He won't mind you needing time and space as he'll think you're worth the wait.

Ps. One thing that I always wonder is, is the bloke conscious of his behaviour? Is he (or she, for accept women can be controlling and undermining too) actively setting out to behave this way or is there no conscious thought process behind it? And where should I go to read more / learn how to resist in the future? APols for ending on a highjack.

Rubies can I ask if you think you are well matched? Do you think he's "better", "one up" from your usual type etc. Or do you think he's the sort of bloke you are compatible with in most ways ie same league.

My thoughts would be that if you do think you've done well to get him you are probably on a sticky wicket if he's picking holes already. However if you are more of a catch than him then this behaviour doesn't matter so much as you won't mind moving on if it doesn't pan out. Not being contentious just saying that hoping a man will love you "properly" (when really you know he doesn't) can make you drag a relationship on for years (done it myself). However it's only been a year so it may just be that you are thrashing out what odd bits you find more/less attractive. If you feel you need to change then it won't work though..if you do he'll think you aren't worth it. Stay strong, do your own thing and if he wants to go let him.

Rubie, I'm sitting here and a load more scales have come off of my eyes tonight reading about your P response.

Well done for saying what you did btw!!

I used to get the exact same response to anything I raised and be left feeling as you did Rubie ie a bit daft and unreasonable for saying anything.

Garlic & AF have it spot on (as usual imo) def worth having a long think on their observations!

tallwivglasses yes I've read the other thread and I can kind of see my relationship going the same way...there are a few things there that I definately find myself nodding to.

Originally I held the cards I thought and then as I fell in love with the guy the power seemed to shift....though after our last frank chat I feel its moved back to centre / to me again and im not as relenting at the moment, I need to see if I feel it start to edge back again.....I have a feeling it will.

Can any of you indulge me in this question? Because I'm stumped....

When I told him I was not happy with things was when he had had a shit day at work etc and he told me I was selfish to bring it up when I knew he had a shit day - do any of you agree I should have waited....? Or is this just him being selfish and pushing that onto me??

he pushed it back on to you

there will always be a reason for it to be a "bad time" for you to try and assert yourself

What AF said.

Why are his shit-times more important than your shit-times?

It's all about him, innit?!

Do you agree that his feelings (about an annoying day) are more important than your feelings (about your self-esteem & relationship)?

Do you agree that it's selfish to ask him to consider your feelings, if his day's been less than perfect?

x-post with AF.

There never is a GOOD time to discuss an uncomfortable issue, is there? Really, have you ever come home thinking "Oooh, I hope somebody raises a tricky subject with me this evening, I really feel like being made uncomfortable!"

"Originally I held the cards I thought and then as I fell in love with the guy the power seemed to shift....though after our last frank chat I feel its moved back to centre / to me again and im not as relenting at the moment, I need to see if I feel it start to edge back again.....I have a feeling it will. "

You know what's great?

Not spending every day in a power struggle with someone who's mean to love you.

When you meet someone who loves you as much as you love them, none of this shit goes on.

A good guy who loved you would not think his having a shitty day was a reason for you not to bring up something that was really bothering you.

His reaction to your bringing this up (so well explained by garlic) is just confirming what we all thought to begin with.

was just going to post what SCOTT did

a relationship shouldn't be this unsettling, this much hard work

a daily power struggle will very soon burn you out, so that you start to give in for a quiet life

vicious circle ensues

can you see a pattern, rubies ?

are you listening ? really ?

OP He sounds like an ok bloke to me. My wife and I have both changed in some ways to better suit one and other (I'm more organised, less fat and dress better) and she's changed in some ways too. I think that's fairly normal in a relationship and there are areas she might like me different and me her that wont change because they are too much part of who we are. those are the bits we work around and witty and yes, the differences make things fun and interesting and more full of depth IMO

You say you like him in another colour, he likes you with nails a certain way. If he tries the colour and doesn't like it and geos back and you try the nails and dont like it and go back its not a problem. You tried a style change but he didn't "make" you feel ill. What is great is you both communicate your thoughts, likes and dislikes with one and other and listen to the replies. That to me shows respect and care I think.

You said "I'm going to tell him I feel this way and explain how it makes me feel. Then any suggestion he makes if the future I'm just going to say "no, I prefer it my way thanks, and I dont want to discuss it again"

That seems to be to be a great way to shut any meaningful dialogue down and I also would feel I'd have to watch what I said in case I upset the person. Maybe another way to say it would be "then how can I make suggestions or tell you my likes, dislikes, thoughts or opinions in a way at honours your self esteem and sense of identity?" but I doubt id be able to come up with that sentence in the moment of conversation tbh

Of course he might be what others say red flag red flag etc but you said everything else was good. Teach him tact or how to give feedback.

Maybe when he mentions nails he means nails and misses the fact that you hear it at an identity level (just a thought)

He sounds like and ok bloke who has a lovely person as a partner and both are working out together how to be together. Good luck to you both.

:)

< snort >

Just read your last question. If Jo needed to talk about something important (that needs my close attention or is deeply emotional or somethingmlike that) and I had had a bad bad day I'd ask to talk later as I wasnt in the right head space. She might have had time to think her thoughts through but I need time to work through mine also and if I was knackered or stuffed after a tough day id ask to talk later

Well...

1. Don't go quiet with him, get all your friends to agree with you that he is a shit and then end the relationship.
2. Do think It is out of order, if he keeps at you or you are doing things he likes to see on women even if you say you hate it.
3. Say (TO HIM NOT TO US YOU DOLT) :) 'You know what, I fucking hate french manicures/stick on crap'

3a if he laughs/accepts/etc fine. 3b If he says 'I like them and you are going to do what I say' rip off each falsie, then hold him down and make him eat each one saying 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry' after each one he swallows... then get him to get his cock pierced 'because you like it' then dump him.

1. If you feel like crying when you have done something he made you do then either a) you are preparing yourself emotionally for marriage or b) you should use my fave phrase 'you either like going out with me, or with someone else in my body, make your mind up quick, because I am staying as me'.
2. If he is, say, thinking you might enjoy dressing/being a different way on occasion and he genuinely thinks you are restricting yourself by not trying new things, then cut him some slack.

6 If he takes you to the nail bar and says 'this is how I like her to look' slide an ice pick into his adams apple and say that is a good look for you

Hans, your response to a difficult question when you were feeling stressed would be wise. But not if you accused her of being selfish!

Missing - I'm putting your fave phrase from [4] in my stockpile of Things I Know I'm Going To Have To Say One Day Cheers!

Hi garlic I missed the "selfish" bit. Youre right, name calling ain't good. :)

The guy mentions nails, she decides herself to change them and then gets herself upset over it. Sounds to me as if the she is highly emotional and over sensitive and has played on this on Mumsnet knowing that she would get this response of support directed at this bloke to fuel her own misgivings.

The guy has his own mind, he knows what he likes, just as all of us/you do. He dares to mention it, no crime in that, but now he is apparently trying to turn her into something she doesn't want to be. What a Joke !!!!

You cyber relationship wreckers should try getting back to the real world instead of trying to destroy peoples relationships. It says so about your own sad lives that you're here constantly reading and thinking you have the right to condemn other people you know nothing/very little about.

Yes... tell me, what is the point of sticking with a relationship that doesn't make you feel good?

You do realise that "over sensitive" is a put-down, don't you Change? Why would you want to put someone down on her own support thread?