Is he trying to change me? Or am I being stupid and oversensitive?

[Rubiesandrainbows]

Im in a very good strong relationship and its been going for a year and we are talking about moving into together. I have a child from a previous relationship and he is great with him, no problems there.

The thing is, I think he is looking for the perfect girlfriend, I get on well with his friends and they agree this is the case, but say they all want "the perfect girlfriend" really (strangely, for me perfection = boring. I dont want to be perfect, it would be a life of dissapointment)

Anyway, over our time he obviously tells me what he likes and doesnt etc and the same vice versa as happens in all relationships. But lately, he's making comments on my choices like clothes, hair and makeup. He doesnt say he wants me to change anything but it seems like he does. My style is pretty sassy and fashionable, and i dont care too much about what others think, just go with my style.

A few weeks ago he mentioned hed likes longish french manicured fingernails and I always have short square nails in dark red, black, paradoxal etc. Anyway, yesterday I went to the nail salon and had the gel nails put on with the french manicure and when I got home I saw myself in the mirror with these nails and thought "my god, im changing into someone else" and I cried and told my partner I wanted some space.

Whats wrong with me? They;re just nails fgs. I feel like im being childish....but its really rocked my deep roots of our relationship. I feel like im just never going to be what he wants and I'm thinking about ending it.

Am I being oversensitive and reading too much into this? Help!

The OP asked "am I being over sensitive and reading too much into this" ? Well, that's an understatement and a yes then ! A comment about nails has "really rocked the roots of our relationship" - really, what next I wonder, he doesn't like the way she makes the coffee and the foundations of the relationship tremble again. Really !!!!

It's not support your giving her, it's condemnation of her fella. Very few people have offered any practical advice to her in ways to deal with it herself, instead it's a barrage aimed at him.

change I apprececiate what you are saying. And thats the the thing. Its just I thought we were great together, we get on really well, have a great connection mentally etc. if it was just the nails I would shrug it off but there has been quite a few other things too, the hair thing, the clothes thing and something I didnt realise "a shoe thing" [his best friend told me he likes me in flats so I dont get as much male attention when out...] and on one side he's always said he likes being with someone who attracts attention, thats obviously how he was attracted to me but now its like he almost wants to tone me down.....i dont know....maybe I am miles off.

I am seeing how it goes and the thing is hans I can understand if you are having a shit day not wanting any more shit, you know? But it was just something I couldnt keep in, have you ever had that?

his best friend told me he likes me in flats so I dont get as much male attention when out

... just reminding you that most men are delighted when their girlfriend looks hot!

You probably still are great together, you've said many positive things about him originally, but have been swayed by the tone used against him. You're over thinking this and making it much harder for yourself.

Everybody has a preference in life about everything and they shouldn't be suppressed from expressing that preference, but that doesn't mean you should take it as a slight/negative on you/your character. You may have differences in what you both like, that's life !

Ah, that would be because very few people have read it as a problem with her. She is already aware that nail style is a very minor issue so (perhaps wrongly) I, for one, don't read "spoilt princess". However, if by over-sensitive you mean she's prepared to do this stuff he wants on the basis of hints and should really be prepared to say "I don't fancy it so I ain't doing it" more often, then we might be on a similar wavelength. But then, should it have to be such hard work? They don't have children or a house together yet.

I'll stick my neck out and suggest you've never been in (or at least on the receiving end of) a subtly undermining relationship, or you'd read the same things I'm reading in the facts presented here. There is nothing wrong with one partner suggesting the other should try something new. There is, however, something wrong with a creeping feeling that one partner won't approve unless the other tries this - that they won't measure up. The OP has been feeling insecure and like she's not measuring up to his ideal - which he's stated himself - and the nail thing was just a culmination. I believe such instincts are likely to be correct if she hasn't a history of feeling bad about herself.

For a happy future, then, it looks from this, admittedly one-sided, account that the OP doesn't need to change herself. Either the party of the second part has to acknowledge that she's great even if she doesn't fancy her nails like this/hair like that, or he can jolly well go look for another dolly dress-up.

And if she were a spoilt princess to whom nail style meant more than a happy future, perhaps it is better to let the poor guy go, yeah?

"his best friend told me he likes me in flats so I dont get as much male attention when out"

Now why would his best friend tell you that ? Something doesn't seem right about that !

Maybe he realises just how attractive you are, how other guys see you, how you can attract unwanted attention. Maybe he's a little insecure, talk to him about it !

Change, did you read this bit:

"He said he did have high expectations of me but he was condifant I could fulfil these, and he said he does this because he wants me to be happy. But thats the thing, I am happy with myself as I am....."

'Talk to him about it!'

But make sure he's in the right mood first...watch out for those eggshells you're breaking (in your flats)

Far too many cynical people here who are probably playing out what they believe about their own current/past relationships !

You had a strong reaction for a reason. Trust your instincts. That doesn't mean the relationship has to be over, just that you have to be really clear about what behaviours you will not accept from him.

On the general 'changing each other' debate: I hold a dim view of people who try to get their partners to change their physical appearance (with the exception of supporting someone to lose weight if it is particularly necessary). However, asking people to change selfish or generally unpleasant behaviours is a whole different ball-game.

Change, I have never had an abusive relationship so my "emotional abuse radar" isn't particularly high tuned. I am in a very happy relationship but if my DH ever said that comment about high expectations and happinest after he had tried to change my appearance on a number of occasions and then make me feel bad for raising my concerns I would have serious alarm bells.

Rubies said she used to be happy with herself. And now she isn't. It doesn't sound like the basis of a particularly healthy relationship to me and I am certainly not talking from experience.

What did you make of the expectations comment by the way?

OP - you posted this on another thread - apologies in advance for reposting it here - but it is truely horrible and a massive waving red flag

"He said he couldnt come over tonight because he felt ill, and really needed some downtime. He's just texted me from the cinema saying he is out with his guy friends....if I used to go out with my friend who he hates (I am now back friends with btw...go me...!) he used to say he didnt want me going out with her because she was a bad influence and made me act like a slut. And I had low social value when with her."

Seriously - this is not the way you deserve to be treated.

Ah, Rubie, so standing you up (and making sure you knew about it) is your punishment for asking him to stop criticising you? Passive-aggressive, too. How did you feel when he told you he was out with his mates?

That "low social value" comment is just weird. Makes you sound like an accessory. I wonder what he means by "acting like a slut"?

Just wondering, were you with this friend when you met him?

garlicbutter yes I was with my friend when I met him and we were on a night out. He means acting a slut because he thinks she is slutty, and that when we are out others think im the same way inclined. Dont get me wrong, we have a good laugh but there;s a definite line and I dont cross it, and the worse thing is he knows this - his friends have been out when ive been out and they know I dont act like a slut.....they've told him this.

Yeah I did feel a bit punished by the stand up and when the film finished he texted me to say he wanted to come around but I didnt reply.

I'm away for a hen weekend in ibiza (not with the friend he doesnt like, with friends he likes) so I'll have a good think about things.

Honestly, you really need to dump this knobber. He is telling you very clearly that because he is the man you need to learn to obey, please and indulge him, because he is always going to be the one in the right, the one whose feelings are more important, etc. Because he is a Man.

Not all men are like this, so why bother with the sexist losers who are?

Change, I've just seen where you said you're a BACP-registered counsellor. Do you tell your clients they're over-sensitive, really?

Not going to keep picking this over, but the responses to this thread aren't based on one incident, even two or three. It's the accumulation of small things.

Plus, there's the obvious fact that a relationship which doesn't make you feel better about yourself isn't "good", however many boxes it may otherwise tick. If your partnership drains you rather than buoying you up, it's failing in its purpose.

Don't see how anyone could disagree with that. You can always put it down to simple incompatibility - which it is, in a way; maybe Rubie would be better off looking for a boyfriend who loves the way she is! Just a thought ...

No one is telling OP to break up with him over a single casual comment about nails. There's other stuff too - subtle pressure to change her appearance, telling her he 'hates' her friends and discouraging her from spending time with them, the comments about expecting her to meet his high standards, saying she acts like a slut, 'social value' etc, it all sounds a bit odd and worrying to me.

The main point though is how she feels - if the OP feels something is not right, that this is not a relationship where she's loved and cherished and respected for who she is, and that being with him is chipping away at her confidence and happiness rather than building them up, then there is a problem. Sometimes you do have to follow your instincts and feelings in these matter.

It's totally up to her what she wants to do about it, but I think it's reasonable for her to be considering her options. Better to do that now, while it's still a relatively casual relationship and they haven't moved in together yet, than several years down the line when maybe they're married and have a child.

Thanks for your reply, Rubie:)

I asked whether you were with this friend when you met because, obviously, he was able to get to know you then. So, not only does he think she "makes you act like a slut" but that, when you do, you're available to meet men like him. (I know this is weird, but it's in the 'scripts'.) The long and the short of it: he liked you then, but now that 'you' isn't good enough for him? Also weird.

Hen weekend in Ibiza sounds great. Have a good time!

", not only does he think she "makes you act like a slut" but that, when you do, you're available to meet men like him"

You really are good at this garlicbutter!! Never in a million years would I have seen that but it makes perfect sense.

Could someone indulge me pls with some insight into mates making comments as well?

I had a lot of that from the ex's flatmate and best friend for a while and it still puzzles the hell out of me.

He would constantly tell me things that left me totally baffled and insecure (ex p was in love with a friend of his but she rejected him so hence he was seeing me)

According to the mate 'I was too much for ex-partner' (whatever that meant, never did get an answer on that'

Also comments about preferred weight, amount of make-up, style of clothes ex preferred me in/with.

When asked ex P about all of these he swore blind he'd never said anything to his mate

Just read ALL of this thread, as I am about to leave to have my nails done.
In the 14 years I have been married to DH never has he said "I like your nails in ... colour" I know he likes my hair when it is curly wurly, I know he likes me when I 'dress up' for a night out wearing a dress/skirt heels and thinks it is sexy. However, he would never ever ever say anything to undermine an outfit, will probably not notice what colour my nails are after I get back from salon and knows that no matter what way my friends behave (slutty or not) that I will not follow their path.

This bloke sounds like an absolute prat. I think he knows exactly what he is doing to you OP and it makes him feel good to treat you like this. He is obviously emotionally unstable and needs you to pander to his needs.

Ditch him! Enjoy Ibiza.

Rubies " ... I can understand if you are having a shit day not wanting any more shit, you know? But it was just something I couldn't keep in, have you ever had that?"

Hi Rubies ... Yes, I've had those days too and sometimes we just have to say what we need to say. :)

Reading some of your later posts is making me feel more worried about how he is treating you

there has been quite a few other things too ... [his best friend told me he likes me in flats so I dont get as much male attention when out...

So there's a series of things he does to let you know you're not "good enough" and he also wants / tries to isolate you from male (and some other friends) attention. Isolating people from others contact is imo a big worry as the person finds they have less and less people to turn to to check their reality and thinking and gain perspective.

Could there be a sense that he makes you feel small so he feels big in comparison?

*he used to say ... she was a bad influence and ... made me act like a slut. And I had low social value when with her."

That's just nasty, labelling and name calling. Call a person stupid (or a slut, or weak or ugly or whatever) for long enough and they just might start to believe it.

Isolate them from helpful friends and they have less checks and balances.

A few short steps from there and the person's self esteem could be shot, friends gone and the "partner" has created for themselves a loving victim.

Have a lovely time away in Ibiza Rubies. :)

Garlic could you tell me what you mean by scripts or link me to somewhere I could read up on them please?

not only does he think she "makes you act like a slut" but that, when you do, you're available to meet men like him. (... it's in the 'scripts'.)

It's amazing how controlling men seem to do the same things, Hans - almost as if they've graduated from the same course at Twat School! Controlling women do, too, with some (also fairly predictable) variations. I've learned about it by comparing notes with other women who've been through it, from websites and books, and from therapists. I didn't know about this stuff for ages; I thought it was all my fault and ended up needing therapy.

Here's an informative web page - it's long, but entertaining and eye-opening:
www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

These are very useful books:
"Living With The Dominator", Pat Craven
"Why Does He Do That?", Lundy Bancroft.

clickable link, sorry
www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

While I'm at it, here's one for Rubie (maybe):
"Power And Control: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers", Sandra Horley
also
<a class="break-all" href="//"http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1440504636/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=deeplperso-21&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=1440504636" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">"The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans