Plucking up the courage to tell DH I want to separate. Any advice?

[minxthemanx]

Deep breath. Have made the decision that I cannot go on being unhappy in this marriage, and it is affecting the children. Have posted on here lots of times so many of you know the details, but in a nutshell, DH buggers off doing his 'hobby' for days, weekends and, at the moment, 8 days in Milan (nice). His behaviour over the years has been totally selfish and unreasonable, and most people on here have said he's a selfish arse. He's not a bad person, and v good with the DC who love him to bits, but has not listened, learned or considered my feelings in anything. In December DS1 was very poorly, in and out of hospital, and on the day I came home from hospital with him, following scans that drew a blank, DS buggered off to Barcelona for a hockey tournament. At that point I decided I wanted to separate, and was all geared up to tell him. Then DS1 deteriorated badly - turned out it was a burst brain aneurysm and he was critical in Gt Ormond St for 3 days. Has made an astounding recovery, tho we were told he may not survive at the time. Anyway, that was so traumatic that I couldn't then start the process of separation - emotionally exhausted.

However, DH has now been in Milan for 7 days and missed 2 weekends with the boys, all end of term activities, sports day, and DS1's final cricket match of the season tomorrow and celebratory bbq. Considering DS1 nearly died 6 months ago, this is a big deal to me. DS1 is very upset that his Dad won't be there. DH gets back Sunday evening, then work all week. Next Saturday, first day here for a fortnight, he is going to Lords. I have asked him to reconsider this, as unfair on the DC, he says no, it's been organised a year, anyway I'll see them on the Sunday.

BTW DS1 and I were back in Gt Ormond St for another operation only a fortnight ago.

I've had enough and I want a separation. I know, deep down, this is the right thing for DC and me - I am so unhappy, and at times lose patience with the boys when it's DH I'm so bloody angry with. I dread telling the boys as they adore him and will be devastated.

Advice, please, for damage limitation for the children. Also, we have a holiday in Cornwall booked for August - am tempted to cancel it and hope I can get some money back (I'll have to look at my travel insurance), or do you think have the holiday, grit my teeth (again) and start proceedings when we get back? Sorry so long. I am so tired and emotionally drained.

amelia - I have to say that to me, it's almost as if you are reading a different thread to the rest of us.

Like you are two pages behind almost.

You have a lot of preconceived ideas about what will happen to minx from here on in........

I think you should maybe read her posts and then respond instead of second guessing what she wants.

Example here, directed at me last night "What's wrong in your opinion with my suggesting she takes time out and thinks about talking to friends, and a professional like a counsellor, in RL?"

If you had read the posts from minx you would have seen that they have both tried counselling before, he wouldn't listen to the counsellor etc. He just shut down and carried on.

That's my point. And WHY are you suggesting that her DH has an 'Asperger's type problem'? Where on earth does she give any indication of this?

How can you assume so much?

It is bizarre that his mother is so involved in his marriage and that she takes Minx's side- if she is- or maybe she is just being helpful all round?
It also implies that he will take more notice of his mother's intervention than anything Minx or counselling could do!

He needs sorting with professional help.

Sounds like at 52 he is still a mummy's boy who has yet to grow up, and is used to getting his own way.

Mouse- ireally do not want to get into bun fights with you or any other poster- it's not fair on Minx. If you want to discuss my posts then PM me and I will reply off forum.

However, just this once I will respond.

1 If you read her posts you will see ( unless I am imagining it now) that she said they did an Aspergers test online and he scored highly- though not enough to be definite Aspergers. Another poster also mentioned Aspergers. I work with people with Aspergers. if I have mis read this and am confusing it with another thread, apologies.

1. Yes, I am fully aware they had counselling but again, if you read the posts you would see it was some years back. That is why I suggested it again. Different counsellors have different approaches. What didn't work years back may work now with another counsellor.

Why? amelia?

My MIL features a lot in our life. As do the rest of our family on both sides. That's what supportive families do. The rally together when the shit hits the fan.

She doesn't live with them. I think it's fantastic that minx can call her to talk about her marriage. I would too.

My MIL is on hospital, v poorly and I have called her, as we as DH, to talk to her. And I call her mom, FIL is dad, SIL is sis etc.....

Some families have relationships like that.

Maybe you don't so that could be why you find it so odd?

All fair points amelia

I apologise, not the thread for a bun fight. Sorry minx xx.

This is desperately sad. Somewhere a young boy was at death's door and his dad went abroad to pursue his hobby rather then sit by his bedside. That's a terrible thing for a young child to come to terms with, I imagine this will reverberate right through his life.

minx I think you have more goodness and kindness in you that just about anyone I've come across, you have tried so hard but it is obvious reading this that your marriage is all one way, your husband has taken your kindness and love and just sucked you dry. The fact that you have stood it this long is amazing testament to just how understanding and kind you are. However, you have to judge someone by their actions not their words, words are what the person thinks they are, but actions show what they really are, and your DH ignoring his own son being at death's door is a point of no return. I can't think of another man I know, not even my druggie BIL who would not have stayed by his son's side in such an event.

I'm so sorry your husband is so emotionally closed off, but you can't help him. I think your MIL knows this, which is why she is supportive, she's lived with it too, she probably wishes she could leave it like you are proposing to do.

I'd also lay money that your husband's hockey friends don't even know his son was ill, I would not expect someone whose son was that ill to go abroad to umpire a hockey match, no person with any compassion at all would think that was the right thing to do.

Stay strong and move forward to get this emotional deadweight out of your life..

Lovely post Miggsie x

I think that's the hardest part for me to accept about your DH minx - the fact that after such a traumatic and devastating experience, he left you to get on with it, saying that if your DS was that bad, the docs wouldn't let him come home.

After watching my own son fight for his life in PICU on more than one occasion alone, because DH had to stay at home to look after DD, I can tell you that as soon as he (my DH) could, he was there. He was there for as long as possible, to the very last second and even brought DD to see DS at one point because we were told he was very poorly.

I'm sure you have heard that phrase and understand the weight it carries.

I cannot understand why your DH hasn't been involved with taking care of his own ill son as much as you have. How has he not wanted to be a bigger part of your DS's lives?

However, I am not excusing him here, but some people just can't cope with situations like that, the trauma, the worry, the reality of it all.

Almost as if once the ill child/relative gets the green light, that person goes back to auto pilot and carries on as before, as if nothing has happened.

Do you see what I mean? Maybe your DH is like that, or maybe I'm giving him an excuse.

He should have been there for you and you DSs far more than he has been. Now he risks losing the opportunity to see them every day, read to them, put them to bed each night and know that they are safe.

What a shame.

Whatever you decide minx will be what is best for YOU and your boys. Not what's best for your DH. If you do end up with it just being you and the boys, then so what? I was a single parent for 6 years and loved it!

The bond I had and still have with DD just got stronger and stronger. She still saw her father and does now.

Nothing changed, we just didn't live together anymore. No physical relationship. We were and remain to be civil to one another. No-one is suggesting that being on your own means that you have to hate each other. There is no rule book or instructions to separating.....

You have to go with what life brings you. And you will know which way to go. xx

Just wanted to send a supportive hug Minx.

Your boys have a wonderful mum who will always be there for them.

Hi Minx. You're doing brilliantly. Some advice from Winston Churchill... "If you're going through hell, keep going."

I hope DS1 is feeling better and the headache is nothing to worry about. He's probably picking up on the atmosphere - lots of kisses & cuddles is the order of the day! For you as much as for them :)

I was the other poster who mentioned Aspergers. For what it's worth, I really think your DH is a classic example (although I must stress I am no professional, & even if I was it's still impossible to make a diagnosis via an internet forum). However, he sounds so much like my Dad it's uncanny. Choosing his hobby over his family at a time when your son nearly died is exactly what someone with Aspergers would do. How can you ever move on from that fact? A diagnosis of Aspergers doesn't excuse what he did, it just explains it. It will give you answers to the 'HOW could he have done this?' and the 'WHY did he do that?' questions in your head. It will also help you to support your DCs relationship with their Dad - or at least help you to lessen the damage your DH is unwittingly inflicting on them by not making them his priority the way he should.

By the way, IME, and of course this is purely subjective, but when my Mum left my Dad, he went from mostly being disinterested / not doing anything with me & my brother, to suddenly being fiercely involved with us.

You can't teach your DH to care about you & your family the way he should. You have tried and tried and tried. Look back over your relationship - how much over the years have you given to make it work? Have you bent over backwards so much that you're now lying on the ground? And how much has he given in return - in actions, not in empty words?

Here's my tu'pence worth: Keep on going through the motions of splitting up- counselling, seeing a solicitor, telling family & friends, sleeping in a separate room. Just keep taking one step at a time and see where it leads. If by some miracle it actually permanently changes his behaviour as some posters suggest it might, brilliant. (Well not really brilliant, it's shit that you'd have to go to that extreme to get him to do what he should be doing naturally, but it's a result if it gives you the family life you want and deserve.) If not, you will be making progress towards a better life for you & your DC. Either way, it's better than staying in that awful, unhappy place you've been in for so long.

It sounds like you have all the support of your RL friends. That's usually a good sign you're doing the right thing.

Keep strong! This random stranger on the internet is sending you love :)

Oh, and don't worry about the holiday money. It's only money at the end of the day. Some things are more important.

Thanks girls, you've all been so lovely. I've had a long, shitty day with v boisterous Year 6 class who have end of year arsiness, and it was all I could do to stay in control of my emotions. In the meantime DH has rung my mother and talked to her at length, saying he's worried about me and my emotional state, I'm working too hard blah blah blah. My Mum stayed as neutral as she could, bless her, but said if he wanted her advice, he should move out for a temporary separation to give us some breathing space and let the children have the calm atmosphere back. Then take stock (DH jumped at the idea of counselling) and review it. He also called my brother, who gave him some home truths. DH told both of them he loves me/us so much and deosn't want to lose us.
Now awaiting flippin MIL who has insisted on driving up here. Don't feel at all like going out and 'talking'. Give me strength.

minx - sending you strength my lovely. I hate the way he's playing the 'she must be overtired' card. Bit pathetic of him really.

I'm glad your brother told him how it is, not that he'll really take stock just yet. His mother may well back him up and that won't be such a surprise really.

Does he know about Wednesday yet?

Well done on keeping together at work, that is no easy task when all you want to do is bury yourself in bed for some peace and quiet.

Sending you strength xx

If you get change, come back and let us know how you get on.

marking my spot for later.

My typos of rubbish! Sorry.

ARE!!!! My typos are rubbish!

Already classically turning it round to make it YOUR problem (overtired, mentally suspect) rather than HIM being the root of the problem. Anything other than wonder whether he might not be being there enough for his family.

Thinking of you minx - agree with saf - let him do the talking, you just stand your ground.

This is NOT going to be magically better by morning.

Be yourself, stay strong and follow your heart xx

Agree with saf and Mouseface, he is still not prepared to take responsibility is he

Please don't let him and his mum gang up on you to get you to back down.

Excruciating hour and a half in packed pub with hardly anywhere to sit. Am fairly sure anyone around us could see by my face and the body langauge what sort of conversation we were having! DH is trying, bless him, he is really trying. Decided to hang up a picture on the wall at 7pm tonight - it's been sitting on DS's bedroom floor for 5 months. I'm sure DH's mother was impressed, anyway. He said he is prepared to give up hockey, and is happy to have counselling, either together or on his own. I reminded him that he didn't pay any attention to it last time. For him to give up hockey is a pretty big deal. Just a shame he didn't suggest it 3 years ago. I told him my priority is the DC, and that I want a calm, happy home back like we had last week while he was away - he still refuses to move out. The idea of a temporary separation has fallen on deaf ears. He still thinks we shoould go on holiday for the DC sake, and said we could have separate rooms. I'm very undecided about the holiday - it doesn't appeal, but I want the DC to have a holiday, and preferably not lose £700. I probably could, just could, put a brave face on it. However, I have told him I am certainly not going to family wedding and will write to them explaining why. He was a bit about this - I think he still wants to pretend to the outside world that we're ok. Am very tired and haven't slept properly for ages. Seeing solicitor tomorrow for advice, which DH knows. I just wish he would bloody move out for a while, to give us some breathing space.

All I can suggest is that you are prepared to put divorce proceedings on hold if he moves out for 6 months, goes to counselling and gives up hockey for that period.............and you will reassess the situation after that.

I have now managed to read the whole thread and I feel for you and send you tall he strength I have got.

Apologies for the length but I am in a similar boat albeit slightly behind you.

Lots of fantasic posters and great support.

I second a lot of Terraviva has said, mainly because I have also a father with asperger (not that he knows or would admit to it) and a DB plus another DB with traits (or maybe not traits but a way of dealing with emotions and relationship learnt from my father - I feel for any past and future partners of his.)

also I have to say ameliagray is very spot on. It is easy to say GOGOGO but what she says is neither the opposite nor egging her on: it is valuable advice. My dh and I have tried counselling and it was exactly of the time she mentioned, we just talked and no changes/action were suggested. a waste of time. we were about to go to the tavistock and thn for various reasons we went somewhere else. that talk approach did not work. it did do nothing for him and nothing for me either.
Similarly to you, I feel, I do not not want him as such, I do not want the life we have created. I say we because I believe I have played a part in that, i.e. I let things happen to me. So what I wanted was help in finding what we both wanted and see if those things were compatible and find a way to have them within a family unit. In other word to twick or change our family, and some sides of ourself, for the benefit of all.
I am upset that it did not work as obviously it makes it harder for a dh to come back, as it is usually hard to come on the first place. and also it reinforces the idea that you have the problem, they do not 'if only you could adjust we all be fine' kind of song (which is the prequel to 'you ruined your children's life for your happiness').
Sometimes I think I could be happier on my own. And in a way I could and possibly will. But I have DC and so the equation is not as straihgt forward, hence the further attempts at making it work.
My next step is exactly what Ameliagray has suggested. I am going to go to a different approach counslling on my own, in the attempt to find out what I want and ways to achieve it. For it is easy to say he doesn't do this and that but our frustration is also borne from the knowledge that we have let this happen. The foot could have been put down years ago. So rather than destroy everything because we are unable to put the foot down on ceratin things I want to learn to be strong enough to say NO on a daily basis. It may not work but at least I will know how to approach a new realtionship next time. (there's often a pattern, sadly).
I am not implying your dh has not been a selfish t**t, far from it. Mine is too at times due to a mixture of chosing not to see it because it suits him and genuinely not seeing it because things have always been this way (incidentally everytime I try to change something he will come out with things such as "I have been doing this all those years and now etc" or "all I do is work for this family can I not have a hobby" etc).
what I am saying is that there could be another way to try and change things before you call it quits if you are not 100% ready. But it must be a different way. Someone recently me:

"you cannot change other people but you can change yourself. and once you have changed they will have to change too as you are dealing with them in a different way". You will not know what the outcome will be for them but you will know that whatever happen it will be for the best as you will be changing for your best!

Good Luck.