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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Plucking up the courage to tell DH I want to separate. Any advice?

333 replies

minxthemanx · 16/07/2011 16:05

Deep breath. Have made the decision that I cannot go on being unhappy in this marriage, and it is affecting the children. Have posted on here lots of times so many of you know the details, but in a nutshell, DH buggers off doing his 'hobby' for days, weekends and, at the moment, 8 days in Milan (nice). His behaviour over the years has been totally selfish and unreasonable, and most people on here have said he's a selfish arse. He's not a bad person, and v good with the DC who love him to bits, but has not listened, learned or considered my feelings in anything. In December DS1 was very poorly, in and out of hospital, and on the day I came home from hospital with him, following scans that drew a blank, DS buggered off to Barcelona for a hockey tournament. At that point I decided I wanted to separate, and was all geared up to tell him. Then DS1 deteriorated badly - turned out it was a burst brain aneurysm and he was critical in Gt Ormond St for 3 days. Has made an astounding recovery, tho we were told he may not survive at the time. Anyway, that was so traumatic that I couldn't then start the process of separation - emotionally exhausted.

However, DH has now been in Milan for 7 days and missed 2 weekends with the boys, all end of term activities, sports day, and DS1's final cricket match of the season tomorrow and celebratory bbq. Considering DS1 nearly died 6 months ago, this is a big deal to me. DS1 is very upset that his Dad won't be there. DH gets back Sunday evening, then work all week. Next Saturday, first day here for a fortnight, he is going to Lords. I have asked him to reconsider this, as unfair on the DC, he says no, it's been organised a year, anyway I'll see them on the Sunday.

BTW DS1 and I were back in Gt Ormond St for another operation only a fortnight ago.

I've had enough and I want a separation. I know, deep down, this is the right thing for DC and me - I am so unhappy, and at times lose patience with the boys when it's DH I'm so bloody angry with. I dread telling the boys as they adore him and will be devastated.

Advice, please, for damage limitation for the children. Also, we have a holiday in Cornwall booked for August - am tempted to cancel it and hope I can get some money back (I'll have to look at my travel insurance), or do you think have the holiday, grit my teeth (again) and start proceedings when we get back? Sorry so long. I am so tired and emotionally drained.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 21/07/2011 15:46

This reply has been deleted

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mauricetinkler · 21/07/2011 16:24

You feel for the OP Barbie? Explain that one to me.

Mouseface · 21/07/2011 17:20

maurice - do you mean the OP's DH? Confused

Saf - my bad, that one's still there....... It's actually two that you have had deleted, around the time of 'personal insults'????

I have no idea why. Page 9. See if you can figure it out.

Doha · 21/07/2011 17:25

Not quite sure why barbie would feel a bit sorry for OP's DH. Hmm.
Keep up the good work SwallowAFly mouseface and mauricetinker. I personally didn't find any of your posts offensive, Sometimes it just appears that someone appears on a thread to cause trouble.
Shame as it spoils MN which usually gives such good support and advice

Mouseface · 21/07/2011 17:52

Thank you Doha Smile

Mouseface · 21/07/2011 17:57

minx - hope things are going okay.

Keep stopping and just taking some deep breathes xx

swallowedAfly · 21/07/2011 17:59

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Terraviva · 21/07/2011 18:52

Minx -Please don't let the arguing on the thread bother you. As I said earlier, I think everyone here is equally concerned for your happiness, but perhaps many of us can't help but feel angry towards your DH for the way he's treated you & your DC. There have been a lot of wise words spoken by everyone though, and a good range of views. (Perhaps the disagreements between people on this thread could be considered reflective of the battle going on in your own head?!)

Terraviva · 21/07/2011 18:53

Oh, and brilliant posts by wannabesybil's.

mauricetinkler · 21/07/2011 18:57

Mouseface - yes I did mean the OP's husband. I know people are entitled to their opinions but it just seemed a really crass thing for Barbiedoll to say when the OP will doubtless be already be wrestling with her own doubts about whether what she is doing (or might be planning to do) is justified. How on earth can anybody feel sorry for this bloke?

Waltons · 21/07/2011 20:08

minx, I don't often stalk the Relationships board, but I have read the whole thread and I am truly sorry for the very difficult situation you face. I feel it is a great shame that a couple of people seem to have forgotten that they are not on AIBU, and I hope that you can ignore the squabbling.

There has been a lot of very balanced advice (ameliagray, I feel you have been a complete rock for minx) and I can add very little to it. Your DH is clearly completely shocked at your new-found determination, so please don't relent. He needs to do more than cut the grass and put up pictures though. He needs to prove to you and the DC that he really values and loves you all, and that isn't going to be easy or quick. If he does have Aspergers-like traits it will be even harder, but his emotional defences have now been breached and, Aspergers or not, he is feeling the pain that you have endured for so long.

TBH, I suspect that all the hockey trips and the lack of interest in you and the DC have been more of a habit, and your previous warnings just didn't hit home. (Probably thinking that you were being a bit OTT and hysterical.)

If you decide to go on the holiday, agree that he will take the DC on days out without you. Take some good books and put your feet up - you need the break and he needs to spend time with his DC.

Good luck, and I will try to keep reading.

mauricetinkler · 21/07/2011 20:14

Come admit it Waltons. You are ameliagray.

Mouseface · 21/07/2011 20:25

maurice - sometimes it's polite not to speak one's mind. I am, however, suspicious of the timing here so am going to step back from this thread now until minx comes back, at which time I will engage with her directly. Smile

Original poster
minxthemanx · 21/07/2011 20:39

I've just come back from A & E with DS2 who injured his foot at school today. I'm really disappointed to find yet another load of squabbling and bickering. I've actually got enough to deal with at the moment without reading all the in fighting. Do you think you could take it elsewhere, please, and leave this thread for communicating with me and my situation, rather than criticising other people? Amelia did actually offer some balanced views, and I found nothing about her comments offensive. The bitching is. Sad

OP posts:
Katisha · 21/07/2011 21:09

Yes it's crap.
Any virtue in starting a new thread minx?
Hope DS2 is OK - it never rains but it pours...

Waltons · 21/07/2011 21:09

I have been reading MN almost since it was created. I have a couple of other names that I use when I need to post really personal issues for myself, but otherwise I am just Waltons, and determinedly so. Search and you will find that out. Mum, ex-Beaver leader, now Cub leader, avid Freegler/Freecycler, failed ex-smoker, etc.

manx, I am sorry that you have had a stressful day because of DS2's accident and I do hope that he is OK.

Mouseface · 21/07/2011 21:34

minx my most sincere apologies for my part in any squabbling. You are of course right. Blush

And I agree that amelia did speak sense in her posts, giving a different spin on what most, including myself, other posters thought.

How is DS2 now? What happened?

mauricetinkler · 21/07/2011 22:21

Mouseface - your last post sounds like something written by a naughty school child lol.

Katisha · 21/07/2011 22:26

MT go away now please

mauricetinkler · 21/07/2011 22:34

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Message deleted by Mumsnet.

turquoisetumble · 21/07/2011 23:05

OK ladies. The OP has already told us that she finds the squabbling upsetting - she has posted here for support, so whatever our views on the other posters (and I'm pretty horrified at some of them and have had to sit on my hands) lets try to do that.

Minx - how are you? I'm sorry to hear about your son. I was in A&E with one of my DC this week and it's upsetting and stressful - and I don't have your history with children and hospitals, so I hope you are OK.

The one thing that really strikes me from your posts is how it's always about other people. Your sons and your husband. You take care of your sons on your own, it seems. You cover for your husband and take on all the responsibility for the home and the kids. You try to fix him/the relationship. You take him to counselling, you call his mother, you set ultimatums.

I wonder where your happiness and needs fit into this? What do you expect from a relationship? What are the key things that you need to be there? Your husband goes off for trips to Milan and is off weekend after weekend. Do you do the same? (I know the answer to that, actually).

So how did this happen? Were you always the supporting role? Or has it been a gradual shift? What do you want Minx?

Tell us how you are doing. We are all here to help. The squabbling is just emotions running high because we are all pretty upset about how you've been treated and want you to find a way through.

MadamM · 22/07/2011 09:33

Very good post from turquoisetumble.

Can we also stop all the bashing please? It's obvioulsy not helping the OP and will stop her from getting the help she needs so badly.

Mouseface · 22/07/2011 13:29

minx - you out there? How are you today, how was last night? Did DH sleep in a separate room? Or on the sofa. Did you speak to him? x

Waltons · 22/07/2011 20:10

Nudge. How are you today minx? (Sorry I got my minxes and manxes confused before!)

Please try not to be deterred by the occasional troll-like post - there are many people on this thread who would like to help you if we can.

Original poster
minxthemanx · 22/07/2011 20:39

Evening ladies - DH was happy to sleep in DS1 room last ngiht, but then I realised he would wake him up at 6am when he gets up for work, so I slept with DH1. DH is continuing to be unrecognisable as my husband - he now has a stinking cold, and would normally have come in from work and fallen asleep on the sofa, however tonight he has played with the DS, taken them up the road to get fish and chips and is still in the bath with them (whereas previously he would have finished bath & bed by 8 and be on the safa with his wine.) Who is this man? What I would give for him to keep this up.

OP posts: