Plucking up the courage to tell DH I want to separate. Any advice?

[minxthemanx]

Deep breath. Have made the decision that I cannot go on being unhappy in this marriage, and it is affecting the children. Have posted on here lots of times so many of you know the details, but in a nutshell, DH buggers off doing his 'hobby' for days, weekends and, at the moment, 8 days in Milan (nice). His behaviour over the years has been totally selfish and unreasonable, and most people on here have said he's a selfish arse. He's not a bad person, and v good with the DC who love him to bits, but has not listened, learned or considered my feelings in anything. In December DS1 was very poorly, in and out of hospital, and on the day I came home from hospital with him, following scans that drew a blank, DS buggered off to Barcelona for a hockey tournament. At that point I decided I wanted to separate, and was all geared up to tell him. Then DS1 deteriorated badly - turned out it was a burst brain aneurysm and he was critical in Gt Ormond St for 3 days. Has made an astounding recovery, tho we were told he may not survive at the time. Anyway, that was so traumatic that I couldn't then start the process of separation - emotionally exhausted.

However, DH has now been in Milan for 7 days and missed 2 weekends with the boys, all end of term activities, sports day, and DS1's final cricket match of the season tomorrow and celebratory bbq. Considering DS1 nearly died 6 months ago, this is a big deal to me. DS1 is very upset that his Dad won't be there. DH gets back Sunday evening, then work all week. Next Saturday, first day here for a fortnight, he is going to Lords. I have asked him to reconsider this, as unfair on the DC, he says no, it's been organised a year, anyway I'll see them on the Sunday.

BTW DS1 and I were back in Gt Ormond St for another operation only a fortnight ago.

I've had enough and I want a separation. I know, deep down, this is the right thing for DC and me - I am so unhappy, and at times lose patience with the boys when it's DH I'm so bloody angry with. I dread telling the boys as they adore him and will be devastated.

Advice, please, for damage limitation for the children. Also, we have a holiday in Cornwall booked for August - am tempted to cancel it and hope I can get some money back (I'll have to look at my travel insurance), or do you think have the holiday, grit my teeth (again) and start proceedings when we get back? Sorry so long. I am so tired and emotionally drained.

Hi Minx

I've been reading your thread from the start and would just like to say, that you are amazing to have coped so well with this whole situation -I know I would have fallen apart and been no use if I had had to deal with one of my DC being so unwell.

Just read your last post and am wondering....
What would your H say if you asked him what he thinks (now) of his past behaviours and utter abandonment of those who he should cherish above all others (including himself!!)?
Also, would his answer to that be heartfelt and truthful?

Hi Minx, you never know there might be a happy ending. Men are so dense sometimes, they really don't see what they've got til it's gone. Hope it goes well for you - all of you.

Morning minx

Did you mean D S 1? Not DH1?

You've done so well to keep going even though your DH appears to have been abducted and replace with a much more attentive, caring and bearable model!

Promise me one thing? Enjoy this, enjoy the new DH but remember to take this day by day.

I love Hamster's suggestion of asking him if he can see the difference in his current and previous behavior.

Keep going forward, don't look back, you can't change any of that. Just focus on the here and now.

Without wanting to make myself sound important, I'm away for a long weekend so won't be able to check in but I just want to wish you a happy and peaceful weekend. Take you time minx, this is still up to you, what happens next.

Take good care of you and the boys. You are doing great! xx

It is great that your dh is at long last taking the situation seriously. can you talk to him and explain that if there is any hope for your marriage that all these changes are permanent not just him cutting back on his time for a few months?

I really would push for a temporary seperation just to give you the proper space to work through your feelings and for him to realise the reality of losing you all. If he again refuses then spell it out to him that what he is saying is that your feelings don't matter - it's not about him behaving in a certain way, he needs to learn to respect your feelings and take them into consideration.

I really do hope that there is long term change.

You said before that he had crushed any love you had for him out of you - do you think it could come back?

Who knows, Katisha. At the moment I feel quite strong and happy - I'm sleeeping in DS1's bed and he's really happy on the futon. Loving my own space at night. Also nice having this new person in the house - the one who makes lots of effort and makes me feel like I'm part of a team rather than a single Mum. He's gone to Lords today - he offered not to, but I wanted him to go, as he will have to face lots of relatives and they will all want to know what's going on. Again, it makes it more real for him. Have also sent my apologies for the family wedding, so he will be going there on his own in a couple of weeks. He's thinking of taking the boys (2 nights away?) - I'm not sure about this as he's not the most switched on and doesn't always see any trouble brewing, but again, it would make him have to face up to what life as a divorced Dad would be like. He is having the boys tomorrow and I'm going off to do my own things - swimming, coffee, shopping whatever.

Whatever happens long terms I really really hope he pulls his socks up and starts being an involved Dad your dc will gain so much from it.

minx that's good! I also think it woud be good for him to be in charge of the dcs on his own. It will show him -a bit- how hard it can be.

Have you though about counselling for yourself to eplore what is/has been going on?

Marvellous news minx! I also like hamster's suggestion that you should talk to him about the difference in his behvaiour now, compared to before.

I feel you were right to "allow" :o him to go to Lords under the circumstances, and to give your apologies for the family wedding. One says "I am not an unreasonable harridan", the other says "I will not be forced to play Happy Families at a time when we are not one of them".

Have a lovely day off tomorrow and enjoy whatever you do. Just don't panic if he comes back with the boys and they are covered in mud, minor bruises and they have had nothing but a McDonalds burger for lunch. It is all part of the normal "dad routine" for days out.

You have to do what is best for you and your children. Maybe if you just kicked him out and got all the legall work started he would wake up and realize you are serious. It sounds like he doesn't take you seriously when you tell him your feelings. Some men only learn by actions. It took me separating with my DH for 2 months for him to realize he needed to change. He ended up getting counseling and anger management and things have been wonderful since then, but it took realizing he was going to loose me and our boys because he was being selfish. Some men do not learn at all because they never accept that they are making mistakes and if he is one of those you are better off moving on to find someone who will worship the ground you walk on and make you happy. I hope things work out for you.

I think whether or not the OP should separate depends on how she feels about her husband. If she does love him and still physically fancies him and just hates his behaviour about sports and his reluctance to prioritise his family then if if he is changing this behaviour it is worth seeing how things go.
No relationship is ever perfect.
I am in my second marriage but although I love my husband he doesn't love my kids the way their dad does and I think that this is an important factor in deciding to separate.
It sounds as though he has been a crap father recently, but is being a single parent or living with a bloke not their father going to be any better?
I don't believe in staying in marriages when they are unhappy but it sounds as though this is the first time the OP has told her husband thet the behaviour changes or the marriage ends.
I don't blame him for not leaving. There is no way I'd leave my house. It's his home too. Alot of people treat their spouses worse than they'd treat a lodger when it comes to expecting them to leave their home with a couple of plastic bags just because they have decided now is the time their husband should go.

Interesting thread this, just read for first time. For me it gets to the heart of the issue, do people change? Can people change? The husband here sounds like he hasnt been a particularly nice person up until now. So...has he had a character transplant? Or is he just saying what he thinks he needs to until things calm down. I personally think people dont change. But...you never know, so good luck OP.

This morning I went out, DH took the kids swimming, cut the lawn, did some ironing all by the time I got back at 1pm. All went to see nephew play cricket at our local club - took sandwiches etc. DH asked if I wanted wine and had taken a chilled bottle with him. A normal Sunday morning would involve DH reading the paper for hours, and faffing around on the computer.

Sorry had fiddled around with name changes. Tis me, minx. Attempting to change back agin.

I would just be wary of believing he can sustain this long term.

If he can be like this how does it make you feel that he has refused to do be like that for the last 11 years.................I'd be fuming

costa / minx this is great news. You're right to let him take dcs to wedding. I hardly ever left mine with dp and he had no idea how much hard work it all was. Tempting to be cautious if he's a bit flakey, but he'll never learn if you don't leave him to it.

I do hope this works out for you - I can't quite believe the change that has happened so quickly. I guess your question will be why he didn't behave like this before...

"I can't quite believe the change that has happened so quickly"
No, neither can I barbie...

No neither can I ladies. I'm not stupid and know this is his reaction to the shock he felt, when faced with losing us. That is why I am sleeping in DS1's room, not going to family events etc. And yes, I know better than anyone, that he should have reacted like this years ago.

But, I'm taking one day at a time. Nobody expects him to keep this up, but at least he is trying, and is much more like the man I first met. And I know that he genuinely does love us - his behaviour has been utterly selfish over the years, pig headed and stupid, but he desperately wants our family to stay together. Whether it's too late, and whether he can continue to be the way he is at the moment, only time will tell. I'm not a gullible idiot, and won't be easily convinced.

Hey minx

How lovely to see that DH is still making an effort. One thing I've noticed you are doing is calling him DH. Most people on this board use H or STBXH (soon to be XH)

I think you still have feelings for him that may have been dormant for a while, not a huge surprise given his past behavior.

You can't just switch your feelings off (if only!) so I guess the more effort he makes, the more he shows you that he is willing to change and listen to you, the more you may fall back in love with him?

I really hope that he keeps this up. You seem so much happier at the moment and for the bubble to burst would be awful.

You're not daft and you know that this could all be smoke and mirrors to try and keep you and the boys.

But is it too little too late? Do you feel deep down that this is the real him? That he is totally serious about what he stands to lose?

You must be a little confused as to what to believe right now.

Have you spoken about the solicitor yet?

Yes, spoken to solicitor and filled in paperwork, have told DH this. He is still trying hard - and getting grief from his relatives who think it's a 'very poor show' that I'm not going to the family wedding. I do feel guilty about it, but have explained reasons to the bride and she phoned me to say how sorry she was, but quite understood. Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing by not going, but I need DH to see that I am serious, and for him to face such an occasion without me. DH has asked me to reconsider decision about wedding (and outdoor picnic concert this weekend, which would have been fun) but I am digging my heels in. In the middle of all this DS2 has broken a bone in his foot and I've had my 3rd trip to hospital in 5 days today. Feel like I have a bloody season ticket there.

Commiserations about the season ticket to A&E. I remember at one point feeling as if we had a private ambulance service when we had a real phase of asthma/food poisoning trips!

I think you are right to show publicly that you mean business. It brings it out into the open rather than allowing DH to pretend nothing has happened, both to others and then by extension, to himself. It will force issues which need to be forced.

Hi Minx sorry to read about the broken bone, it's hideous isn't it that type of thing.

I think you are totally doing the right thing, it makes it all very real so I'm not surprised your DH is in a flap about everything.

He has a long way to go to show he can really change and you still need decide that you can truly forgive the past, he needs to accept that the status quo has changed forever regardless of whether you divorce or not.

Keep strong! have the boys noticed or commented on this change in their Dad?

Totally the right thing as Random says.

DH has to have a taste of what life is/will/could be like without you in it.

Not in a nasty way but in an ice cold splash of reality kind of way. He needs to be able to deal with the social situations that he may well find himself in permanently.

Keep your head held high sweets.

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT

minx I wish I had an ounce of your resolve. You are SO doing the right thing about the wedding. His family should be concerned about this, not dismissive and putting you down. I wonder what influence they have over him - they do not sound exactly supportive.

His father is like DH only 100 x worse. Is the only person in the world who supported DH's decision to go to Barcelona ("well, we didn't know how ill DS1 was"), and is the only person DH has ever listened to, up to now. Apparently his comment during this crisis is that at least DH doesn't work on a oil rig. See what I'm up against?

DH's brother being very supportive of me. And his (few) friends. Make that friend.

Old public school family, stiff upper lip, put on a brave front, that sort of bollocks.

Don't feel quite so strong today- the hospital visits give me horrible flashbacks of when we said goodbye to DS1 as he was lifted into CAT ambulance, in an induced coma. Didn't know whether we would see him again. I've had to drive past that entrance 3 times in last few days and it makes me go cold.