Plucking up the courage to tell DH I want to separate. Any advice?

[minxthemanx]

Deep breath. Have made the decision that I cannot go on being unhappy in this marriage, and it is affecting the children. Have posted on here lots of times so many of you know the details, but in a nutshell, DH buggers off doing his 'hobby' for days, weekends and, at the moment, 8 days in Milan (nice). His behaviour over the years has been totally selfish and unreasonable, and most people on here have said he's a selfish arse. He's not a bad person, and v good with the DC who love him to bits, but has not listened, learned or considered my feelings in anything. In December DS1 was very poorly, in and out of hospital, and on the day I came home from hospital with him, following scans that drew a blank, DS buggered off to Barcelona for a hockey tournament. At that point I decided I wanted to separate, and was all geared up to tell him. Then DS1 deteriorated badly - turned out it was a burst brain aneurysm and he was critical in Gt Ormond St for 3 days. Has made an astounding recovery, tho we were told he may not survive at the time. Anyway, that was so traumatic that I couldn't then start the process of separation - emotionally exhausted.

However, DH has now been in Milan for 7 days and missed 2 weekends with the boys, all end of term activities, sports day, and DS1's final cricket match of the season tomorrow and celebratory bbq. Considering DS1 nearly died 6 months ago, this is a big deal to me. DS1 is very upset that his Dad won't be there. DH gets back Sunday evening, then work all week. Next Saturday, first day here for a fortnight, he is going to Lords. I have asked him to reconsider this, as unfair on the DC, he says no, it's been organised a year, anyway I'll see them on the Sunday.

BTW DS1 and I were back in Gt Ormond St for another operation only a fortnight ago.

I've had enough and I want a separation. I know, deep down, this is the right thing for DC and me - I am so unhappy, and at times lose patience with the boys when it's DH I'm so bloody angry with. I dread telling the boys as they adore him and will be devastated.

Advice, please, for damage limitation for the children. Also, we have a holiday in Cornwall booked for August - am tempted to cancel it and hope I can get some money back (I'll have to look at my travel insurance), or do you think have the holiday, grit my teeth (again) and start proceedings when we get back? Sorry so long. I am so tired and emotionally drained.

seriously MINX if you can get to Champneys do it for 2 nights- give yourself a break!

That's what you should have been doing all along, so do it now.
x

Am I alone here in thinking going on a jol with the boys after your child has just come out of hospital (for something which sounds v serious) is utterly unforgivable in itself? What kind of person does that? I am struggling to get past that, regardless of all the other crap behaviour. This guy sounds like...there is something missing.

maurice- if you are a man- I sugest you read the other posts from people who try to explain why some men run from anything connected with health. death, illness etc. And also maybe read about (possible) Aspergers and lack of empathy.
I think you are perhaps underestimating the diffiicult choice faced by the OP. it's not as clear cut as you'd want it to be.

Saw solicitor, she explained the divorce process and costs etc. Not cheap, £4-5 k! Talked through the options and how it all works. They will keep all my paperwork on file for 6 years, up to me if and when I want to instigate proceedings. Still have a lot of thinking to do. Going out with the Mums from school tonight to get away from it all x

I dont need patronising ameliagrey. Of course I recognise how hard a choice this is. I am massively in favour of trying to remain together wherever poss. But in this instance, the OP has tried counselling, she has tried reasoning, she has talked to family and friends etc. She sounds a very clued up person.
But surely to god you have to draw the line somewhere? For me, that line is when somebody shows (what looks like) indifference to the well-being and health of one's child. Others - the OP even - may differ.
As for the Aspergers thing, seriously, give me a break.

swallow and maurice- if you want to bat insults do it via a PM so you don't hijack the OP's thread. Personal insults are pathetic and childish.

But first you might like to read her posts where she thanks me for my helpful insights.

So either shut up, say something useful and unbiased, which is vaguely intelligent and actually acknowledges no situation is black and white.

maurice If, just if, the situation was so easy and clear cut as you think it is , then why would the OP be going through agony? She would just leave.

Think about that.

If what you think she ought to do is the only way, why has she spent days thinking whether it is the right way? Eh?

And as for Aspergers-what precisely do you mean by "Give me a break"?
Presumably you mean, as your comment shows, that you have no idea whatsoever of the disorder andhowit can manifest itself.

You seriously need to educate yourself. I have spent over 20 years in a professional role working with adults and children with Aspergers, as well as having counselling skills. I think I am probably a tad more qualifed than you are to suggest it is a possibility. And although I have no need to defend myself, at all, another poster mentioned it first.

Ditto what sawllowdafly says. I havent made any personal insults. It's an open forum Amelia. If you dont like what we're saying perhaps its best you go elsewhere.

I am not going anywhere Maurice. I am staying right here to give support. Which is a bit more than your rather insensitive comments are doing. I can't see you have done anything other than question why she is staying with him. Very helpful.

Amelia. You are putting words into my mouth. I have never said this is clear cut and you know full well I haven?t. I have just offered an opinion re teh OP's husband?s behaviour which seems reasonable to me. I have never said mine is the only way. I have just suggested that I personally am struggling to see what the OP has to gain by staying with somebody like this. I am allowed to say that.
As for your final paragraph, it is so pompous and far up it's own backside that it fails to justify a response. Apart from to say that, no matter how 'expert' you are, to plant ideas about a serious condition in the OP's head on the basis of an internet forum - and somebody who you have never even met - seems to me at best irresponsible and, at worst, downright reckless.

Amelia - this - "maurice If, just if, the situation was so easy and clear cut as you think it is , then why would the OP be going through agony? She would just leave."

• Shows utter naiveity on your behalf.

Someone who has put up with a difficult relationship for a very long time is almost always going to agonise about leaving. This is why she has been in this situation for so long.

The OP has put her own needs on the back burner for almost all the relationship, she is going to find it very very hard to break this pattern. This is not because she is not seeing the wood from the trees with regards to her husband but rather that she has always allowed herself to be talked around (see bit about her own needs).

Maurice is speaking sense afaics.

swallowed, dear- if maurice was a psychotherapist he/she would be a very poor one, because for strters they appear to know nothing about Aspergers or lack of empathy.

maurice- you ought to learn to read more carefully (Neither I nor the other poster diagnosed Aspergers- we mentioned it as a possible) , and stop digging- the hole is just getting deeper and deeper.

It's hardly worth the effort commenting, as you don't appear to listen, but if you go as far as to dismiss a condition such as Aspergers, then become insulting simply because I state that I do have professional experience of such conditions, then that says rather more about you than it does me.

swallowed- yawn- not going to engage in this petty argument with you. I've spent a lot of time over the last 2 days trying to help the OP. sometimes people agreed, sometimes they did not. But it doesn't help the OP to get into a spat with you, so sorry, but won't be drawn into further exchanges with you.

I often read the relationship boards just because I find them interesting. I've read some brilliant posts from (obviously professional) counsellors and psychotherapists. WhenwillIfeelnormal springs to mind. What all of them seem to have on common is a real warmth, a genuine understanding of the human psyche and, most of all, an ability to to, every now and again, forget about the theory and the learning and just look at what's in front of them.
Then I read the posts of somebody like ameliagrey - the arrogance, the needless put-downs of other posters who aren't as 'qualified' as her, just the generally sneering manner - you really do your profession a great disservice Amelia. Think about that.

FFS - here we go again.

amelia - I have to say that you do have a way with words that makes me and others question your motives for posting in favour of minx's DH throughout this thread.

I so CBA to C&P examples, it's been a long day but maybe, now that you have said what you have a zillion times, you should let minx move forward, as she is doing and see if you can advise further down the line?

In other words, let it go?