Does time really heal this terrible pain? 24 year marriage ended.

[drfayray]

I have already posted re: asking DH to leave. This is really a different topic. My 24 year long marriage is over as DH has been having an affair for a year and a half. He doesn't want to be married anymore. We have two children, DS15 and DD 13.

I am feeling the most dreadful pain. I am crying all the time and looking ghastly. I cannot believe that this marriage is over. I cannot even begin to work out how to split things up. Everything we own is from the marriage.

The past seven months (I found out in January) have been absolutely dreadful but now it is worse as it is a certainty. Before now, there was a shred of hope that we could continue but his refusal to stop seeing this OW and not wanting to seek counselling OR really do anything to work at the marriage is a clear signal that I have to accept the end.

I feel like I am flailing around helplessly. I have support in my doctor, my psychologist and my friends but I feel so very alone.

He is not being unreasonable re: money (well so far) so it is not about that. It is about how am I to cope with this? I cannot bear it.

There are so many people here who have gone through so much and I would appreciate some advice.

I want to go back to being the lively, happy, cheerful and great person I used to be. Not this wreck of a scowling, angry, bitter and heartbroken thing I am right now.

Thank you.

Hello drfay - I've been following your thread for some time now yet haven't posted because you've been getting loads of useful support and advice (beyond my experience really). However, your last post struck a chord with me so I hope you don't mind if I jump in with a bit of support too.

I went through a divorce a few years back (no children though) and subsequently spent some time in therapy. I remember that my therapist told me that often these men follow a script. He said that knowing this script can allow you to preempt situations and take some control back. In particular, he told me to expect procrastinations, delays and backpedaling from my then husband in terms of moving his stuff out.

"Well it takes time" is complete bullshit, but you know that.This coming and going at his convenience needs to stop.

I know that you are following procedures with a solicitor, and I'm not familiar with the law of your area but I wonder if you can give him a deadline to move out stuff and all? Based on what you know about his flat rental etc? And, frankly, even if your deadline doesn't suit him, who cares? Can he not even get his crap into storage and live in a motel for a while if it gives you and his children some peace of mind and stability? Giving him a deadline will make you feel more in control and put things more on your terms. It seems to me as though your life now needs to be more on your terms, and less on his. (his cavalier treatment of you and his children is really reprehensible)

So that's my two cents for what it's worth. I think you are doing brilliantly, by the way. And make no mistake - ultimately your future life will be better, happier and more fulfilling without him in it. I didn't believe that fact at the time, but it has turned out to be the truth. Best of luck to you.

Thanks Wisey. I know...but isn't it difficult :(

Cubiclejockey, thank you. I appreciate your comments. And they were very helpful. He certainly is following the script. He is trying to control me and ensure that he is the one that gets what he wants.

This morning, I got a text to say the rent was in arrears! Sorted now but still the ABCKF and I need to sort out some money issues but he is never here.

I slept very badly and woke up with outsize luggage under my eyes. You could do a round the world trip on the size of them.

And he had told me he was delaying his trip for a week and then I find out that no, he is actually going on Thursday! So if he is so keen to see the kids why go away the previous weekend when he knew he was leaving earlier? Because he is a selfish fucking bastard that is why.

He said to me we can talk on Wed. But he knew that I was taking DD and her friend to the Brisbane show. That is an exhausting all day affair. But see it is what suits him.

The sooner he is out for good the better. There is so much to sort out. I feel so stressed by everything. I have a report to prepare for a teleconference with the director of this centre in 4 hours' time on top of everything.

I need to focus on the job. I need this. I cannot fuck this up.

The sooner he is out for good the better

That's the truth. You and your lovely DCs will find so much more stability then. Just as you are getting along ok, he comes back and displays his full twunkery to you all and its understandibly very upseting.

In a perfect world, there would be somewhere to move his stuff out to and you could change the locks so that he could only enter your house by invitation. That's what you need to help get a grip on the situation.

Great post from cubicle, says it all really.

At the moment you are following his script and when you're being driven like that it's difficult to start your own.

I wonder if you are expressing your anger (rightfully so) here but holding it back from ABCKF in case it reflects 'badly' on you wrt how your DC's perceive you? This happened to me you see, and it just put me in a 'no win' position. All my DC's saw was the hurt and disorientated me, who was afraid and desperate to make sense of things and this was more damaging I think than seeing my anger. But once I took control (even as I fantasised about the consequences) they galvanised behind me.

Don't know, it's just a thought really. Give him a date to remove his stuff. He's all but gone any way so the belongings are really a mere detail now.

I think Cubicle and Wisey make very valid points here. Tell him that his stuff needs to be out by xx and if it's not you will arrange for it to go into storage and any costs involved will be borne out of his share of the divorce settlement. That way he has a deadline and he has the consequence of ignoring it.

In the meantime you could tell him that you will start to pack his stuff in boxes so that it's ready by your deadline (of course, only if you feel up to doing that). You see, if you pack his boxes, you choose what goes in and what stays and if there might be some disagreement over certain items you can put them in a place where they'll be "out of sight, out of mind". More power to DrFay.

I am so upset...again..

Took DD and her friend out to the Show and had a great day. It was very busy (80000 people at about 3 pm) but fun. Got home to an empty house. Fecker was supposed to be back as we were supposed to discuss things as he is off to the UK on Thurs via Melbourne. I send a text asking if he was coming and he replied that he was not coming back tonight! So when the fuck is he going to discuss things??? I suspect that he has received the sol's letter and is not happy. Does this mean he is going to go away and not say goodbye to his children? I believe it does. I asked him to reply and he did not bother to do so. I rang,...not answering.

I just do not understand how he can avoid things. He does not want to be married anymore, fine..fucking fine. But we have to sort out things. And he needs to contact his children.

I had another cry. Why I don't know. Everything is on my shoulders and it just seems so much. I feel that I cannot cope really. I am at my wit's end here. i wish I could just crawl under the bed covers and just go to sleep and never wake up. But I cannot. Because someone has to be responsible.

I am just so tired. I mean, I have accepted this ...that he does not want to be married...but things have to be sorted. There is just so much stuff; he never threw anything away. FFS we still have his uni notes from his first year and he is now 57!

DD saw me so upset and said that I have to just get on with things. She said just ignore dad. You do the things you have to. It is just too bad that he is acting like this. She said you can do it all mum. You are strong enough.

Too much. I was doing so well on my own I thought. But it is his behavour. Stupid fucking man.

you are doing really well...in the face of such fuckwittery. Really, you need to be so very proud of yourself and how brilliantly you are coping annd how fabulous you have raised your kids. You might feel like shite but thats becuase of him and not anything you have done.

The others are right. box up his stuff and shove it in storage asap. If it is too much to do by yourself then get some mates round to help. Hve a pizza, wine and shove it party! Or, shove it into one room and pay someone to come and box it up, remove it and store it...bill twatface for it. But, all this will get so much better once you have done it.

Its the hardest thing ever but you can do it, I've never met you but just reading your posts, i know you can get on top of this.

Then Change the sodding locks and tell the arsehole that he is not welcome except by appt.

also, very that he could possibly be leaving without saying goodbye to your lovely DC. This will he his huge loss in the end though, they will find it hard to forgive him. I feel so very sorry for them. They have you, which is massive though

Doesn't surprise me at all (sadly) that he wants the idea of not being married any more but wants no part in actually sorting out the mess he has created. typical shitty behaviour.

I'm with the other's. Typical fuckwittery, doesn't like giving even one tiny inch so that you can move on - it's toddler behaviour except in a supposedly grown man. He knows you'll do it yourself. And that's adolescent behaviour - the 'if I pretend it doesn't need me to do it, then it someone else will do it for me'.

So maybe you do just have to do it, treat him as the age he's behaving just to get his stuff out, remove him from your life. I've had to do the same, it stinks, but it lessens the need for communication and thereby lessens the occasions when I need to rant because it feels toxic. You don't need that any more, you don't need his clutter in your home or family, you don't need his silly games. I've learnt alot these past few months and one thing is that they can only engage you in games if you play ball. And ABCKF is playing a game, you can be certain of that.

Grrrr I'd come and do it myself if you weren't 12,000 miles away!!!!!

You are doing really well DrFay so don?t let ABCKF knock you off course. Print off your post and read through just how far you?ve come.

Buy the boxes and get him out of your house. The idea of a pizza and packing party is just perfect ? I bet you will have plenty of friends volunteering to help you. Your DD sounds like she is wise to ABCKF so you just need to catch up with her.

Stop being so accommodating and get him out of your house. Think about it, what have YOU gained from being so nice to him? You make it easy for him by being nice but you always post about how much it upsets you, so don?t do it anymore as it strikes me as nothing more than a one-way street in his direction.

You know what they say: ?clean house, clean mind?. Get ABCKF out of your house so that you can start clearing up your mind. Don?t let him play games with you my love. Just don?t.

I?m so sorry drfay?what an over-entitled jerk.

I wonder if it would make you feel better to know how boring and unoriginal your H is being because, yes, he is following yet other part of a well-worn script. Angry adolescent avoidance. Perhaps you can take this as evidence that everything is now officially in your hands so it is time for you to take the reigns, get down to business and to hell with waiting for him to make time to ?discuss? things like a reasonable grown-up.

I remember asking my therapist, ?when will things start to get better??. He basically said 1) when he moves out; 2) when he moves his things out; and 3) When you cut contact with him (which in your case, because of the children, will mean limited and controlled contact). That is when you and your children will be able to start healing and moving forward.

I would suggest that stop trying to expect him to respond to you in any reasonable or even adult level. Stop taking the things that he says at face value and pay more attention to his actions. Expect him to be contrary and expect him to suit himself. Know that your needs and your children?s needs are not his priority. If you move forward on that basis, you?ll be able to anticipate his response. Maybe now is the time to start setting firm boundaries to make him comply to your schedule and your needs. You don?t need to ask him what would work for him. That doesn?t matter anymore. And very soon it will no longer be your problem.

Look at your calendar, select a date/time that would work for you and your children, and tell him that?s how long he?s got. Know that he will stall and delay and try to ignore your deadline. If that?s the case, great because you will already have a backup plan in place (i.e. moving things into storage for him). Eventually you should try and limit communication to emails/texts and, hopefully, only communicate via your solicitor. Time to disentangle yourself and detach even further.

I know this is overwhelming for you because you?ve just started a new job on top of everything else but the truth is you need to get down to business and start to take further action on your behalf and start championing yourself. You will gain strength and confidence in doing so and things will start to get easier. I am rooting for you (for what it?s worth) as are all of these other lovely ladies on your thread. You will get through this and come out ahead. (sorry this was long)

Way to go, cubicle!!!

Absolutely there with you, Expect him to be contrary and expect him to suit himself. Know that your needs and your children?s needs are not his priority. If you move forward on that basis, you?ll be able to anticipate his response.

drfay I can testify to what cubicle says - it's true, it's how I have been able to detach myself from all ptm's silly avoidant and gamey tricks and now I see them coming before he's even planned them.

Do the same, detach, and you will feel like a different person before much longer I guarantee. And ABCKF won't recognise you .

Thanks wisedupwoman (I have been following your thread too?.am big fan!) I went through similar a few years back and although I am trying not to flog own experience, I learned a lot during that time. What doesn?t kill you and all of that?.

I hope you have a better day today drfay.

Dear cubiclejockey...thank you. And Wisey, B&A and Mcoconuts...thanks.

Sorry too if I do not reply as the time difference makes it a bit tricky. Can I say how grateful I am for your comments? It helps me so very much.

I am at work and planning to have a productive day. I have realised, thank you people..., that I cannot expect ABCKF to behave as I am behaving..that is wanting to move things along.

He is not to be trusted. Nothing he says is of value as his actions do not match his words. It does look like he will be going off to the UK without saying goodbye to his children. Now, that hurts me so much BUT it is not my actions. I need to ensure that my children are safe and secure and I think I have been doing that so far.
Although he had said he was coming back on Wed to sort some stuff out, I think he never had any intention of doing so. His passport is missing as are his clothes that he would take for the UK. I have to stop trying to work out why he is saying these lies.

When I get home today (not late thank goodness) I am going to write a list of things that have to be done. Like selling the car (he was supposed to do it but has done bugger all), and sorting out stuff. I think I might hire a skip too and just chuck out stuff. I was going to have a garage sale but really I wonder if it is too much work and should just ask one of the charities to come and collect it. Might earn me some brownie points with the universe.

My DD said similar to me too. She said you need to do these things. He is not going to do it.

OK. When I get back tonight, after I have written my list I will post them here. That will give me encouragement and it is a record.

Thank you so much everyone, for the taking the time to respond, for sharing your own experiences and for being so supportive.

Whenever I feel like I am flailing around helplessly, I come here and feel so much calmer.

XX

Hi Drfay! I still love my ex very deeply despite the fact that he has moved on with a new woman. I thought that he and I would be together until we dropped!

Is it possible that you are caught in the same trap and that is why you are feeling so unhappy? I have children and grandchildren, who are all absolutely wonderful, but I am still longing to get back with my ex. (The way that he was in the first few years of our relationship; not the bd with another woman over the road!)

Stay strong, Dr Fay. We're all thinking about you. Take care!

Hi

I am up and about at this ridiculous hour because ES gets his A Level results in just over 5 hours time, and he can't sleep. So rather than me trying to sleep and ignore the constant pacing, the loo flushing and the kettle boiling, I've got up with him and we're having a brew.

Any way, I'm disappointed that your ex is following such a boring, well worn script, as some one up thread says; but I'm not in the least surprised. Very similar to how mine behaved.

If he slinks off without saying goodbye to kids, that will prove yet again what a self absorbed coward he is. Mine did this in April - now almost four months on to the day, and my daughters' have only just started seeing him again - ES still not forgiven him. "He didn't even say goodbye mum" was like a bad Dolly Parton song stuck in groove in this house for weeks and weeks. The anger and hurt I felt on their behalf was breathtaking. But, that will always, always be his loss. They get over the hurt. It reinforced for me my reasons for getting shot of him. For him, he will always know that he behaved in such a shitty way. Good, hope if there is a conscience in that ego-filled thick head of his, it haunts him for the rest of his days.

You are a very strong, funny, clever woman - that resonates from all your posts. You are in a bad place at the mo, because although you've progressed in huge leaps and bounds, there's something that is really jarring you, and that is: You're not in control yet.

So, with both hands and a deep breath, please do what I did. Take control. Throw him out once and for good. You will feel so much better, because he caused all this shit. Now, end it. You will gain strength from it. You will be able to draw a line once and for all under it. Stop letting him drive the pace.

I packed up twunt's stuff (the majority of it) within two days of him leaving (me chucking him out). At that point I was running on pure adrenalin and a hell of a lot of nervous energy.

There are still boxes and boxes of photos of our 22 plus years together. I can't look at them. I've stuck them in the garage. They can wait - I'm not ready for the photos.

So, try and pack up some stuff (the idea of pizza and wine with friends is a good one). You will feel better for having more of your stuff around and less of his.

I know exactly how you feel. As well as me and kids, ex left a half built attic, a leaky roof, dodgy plumbing, an overgrown garden with trees pushing down a neighbour's fence and a partly decorated dining room. I seethed with anger and resentment at having to sort it all (am still sorting it all).

I arranged for a guy to come in and cut down trees. I spent a weekend with a couple of friends tidying up the rest of the garden, and I ordered the biggest most expensive skip I could find - and billed him the lot. It felt good.

Come on girl, you can do this - take charge. You deserve so much better.

DrfayRay - I have read through all your posts, and each and every one of them oozes with Class.

I can only predict things are going to get better for you and your DCs

I'm really sorry your going through all this,in the future, this man will regret what he has done to you, and your family unit, they always do, the grass is not always greener, just takes them some time to realize it

I'm really routing for you, Goodluck for your future.

Apologies to other posters, have only skimmed through some of them, I'm sure though there have been plenty of fantastic advice given

Carantala, thank you for posting but sadly no, I am not in love with him. I am unhappy because of the situation I am in now. Well, furious more so than anything.

Saffy, thanks for posting. Wishing ES the best. (all bits crossed for him) And yes on the photos. I actually want to tear up all the photos but am resisting it.

Welshbyrd, thank you so much for your kind post. Much appreciated.

I was feeling rather anxious and had trouble breathing on the way home but forced myself to relax by thinking about this www.flickr.com/photos/72906716@N00/sets/72057594095330901/

I am facing up to the fact that I will be doing the sorting out of everything. I spoke to a RL friend when I got home just now. She is great. We are going out for an early dinner on Saturday. She is worried that I am working too hard to try and do well for my job. She knows what I am like! Haha...

But I am going to do things slowly (at MY own pace) and steadily. No rush.

how are you doing today drfayray?

Ah MigratingCoconuts..could be better really, thank you for asking. I had a massive wobble last night . DS lied to me about something and that was literally the straw..I just cried and cried. I said to DS it was not the lie (although disappointed about that) but the fact that I have been really struggling this week and really that has not helped. He was very apologetic and said that I was a fantastic mum and doing really well and that he was so sorry. I asked him not to lie to me. I said I have had enough of that from his father.

I also asked how he was with all this crap. He said he was ok and really was not thinking about it too much. That worries me. Another RL friend said I should tell school and get the counsellor to have a chat with him.

The bastard that I am sadly still married to did not call to say goodbye to kids. He rang them up but could not get through to DD and had a desultory chat with DS. He did not tell them he was going to England. Cowardly. Yellower than the thickest Bird's Eye tinned custard.

So..today..it is morning here. I am about to go to DS's school for his grade 11 subject choices for next year. Then straight to work. I am so happy that I have work really because I tell you, otherwise, I would be a massive quivering wreck. But instead I force myself to wash, dress and make up. I force myself to coordinate clothes. Someone at work (who knows that I am going through this shite) said that no one would even guess looking at me. I guess that is good.

I feel very tired. Dejected. I am going to spend some of the weekend sorting out and piling his crap into one place. Look at selling the car and putting the house on the market. He is not going to do it. In fact I know he will just drag his fecking feet on everything. He has been so far.

He will not be returning to this house, just to pick up his stuff. I will not have him sleep another night here if I can help it.

As all of you have said to me, I need to take control. It is my life after all, and the only one I have.

Heavy sigh

Hi Dr Fay - Im just getting a few mins after hectic weekend and few days at work - I can only echo what other wise women have said - you definately need to get him out - I am no expert but strangely it was only once mine went and i cried my heart out that day by day as he wasnt here I have started to realise that each day I want him back less-

i dont think that would have happened if he was still coming here to sleep eat etc. In fact I am convinced of this - I think i had to go through the pain of him going to start awakening to the fact that I didnt want him anyway. In a peculiar way distance gives perspective and makes things clearer - how funny!

I am sure it will do that for you - look at your posts - on days of no contact you are fine on days he is there his f**kwittery impacts on you and DCs- thats a definate pattern.

Def packup his stuff and tell him he doesnt live there anymore..... and you keep doing fantastic at your job -- its a lifeline and hold it and take all the good stuff , support and compliments, from it and like a flower with water feed off them and grow strong- he is like a slug that comes and eats at your green leaves - get the pellets down and get rid of him and then you ll start to feel the sun and blossom xxxxxxxxxxxIMHOx

I am so sorry for your pain. Your plan sounds good though and will help. Remember: baby steps, bit by bit, day by day...nothing too grand. Just what needs done. Grit your teeth and keep walking and you'll get there.

Do tell the school. You are right to be concerned that his pain will come out at some point. Its better that the school are ready for this, if it happens there. I (sadly) regularly get messages sent through about kids I teach saying what has happened but not to discuss it with them, just for info.

MAPAM is right about the pattern in your posts...

Thank you MAPAM and I am sorry that I have not been to your thread. I have been too wrapped up with my own sorrows. And of course, you are correct. And haha, that flower analogy works very well cos my RL name is a flower.

Migrating Coconuts, thank you. Yes. You are right, too, small steps.

Well I thought I was going to have a massive anxiety attack this afternoon. I got a text saying that he has left 1000 in the account ' to tie thing over' (crap texter). I asked about the rent and mortgage (we rent here in Bris and have a home in NSW which is rented out). He texted that he will pay that. I do not get paid until the 25th. He has gone running home to mummy without saying goodbye to the kids. I just kept wanting to cry. But I couldn't at work so forced myself to continue reading about Australia's Health which was interesting enough to distract me.

Got home and had a bit of a chat with DS. He said he was really ok and that we have been a family of 3 for a long time. He said he was worried about me. DD said I have to 'chill my tits''. Charming but she has a point. DS collapsed into laughter at that.

Those two wonderful kids are right. We have been a family of 3 for a long time now. The three of us get on well and love each other to bits. I need to work on clearing the house of his shite. And he is not going to sleep under this roof again. That way I break the pattern.

I really feel awful but I am going to go upstairs now and hang with those wonderful children of mine. ABCKF has lost so much. I hope that one day he will realise that. But somehow I doubt it.

Dear DR Fay - MCoconuts is right when she says small steps and nothing to grand - and apply that when I say about getting rid of his shite even if you just put some stuff in a carrier and in the garage once a day it help - well it helped me a lot cos it becomes "your space" I am also glad MC thinks I am right about the pattern in posts - i only noticed it cos I used to do the same xxx

I cannot believe your name is really a flower !!! you must then definately keep the analagy inyour head - i use something similar at work with staff but if you think about it we are just like plants in a garden we canbe nurtured or destroyed - work out what your sun and water is and turn to wards it - I actually picture myself doingit ( erm mad and box of frogs springs to mind) but it helps me.

Kids seem to be doing great - I thought the other day how would I feel if I was alone ( ie had no kids) and this had happened - and I realised that despite our worries about their behaviour and how it affects them - THEY actually make the pain less and the break up easier for us - you are actually a lucky lucky lady to have them to talk too, to laugh and to cry with - it means you will never be alone - but guess who will be alone - 0h yes he will be.

Break the pattern Dr Fay and F88K whether he ever realises what he has lost cos its what you think that what matters - what he thinks is actually irrelevant xxxxxxxx

Hi Dr Fay
Just caught up with your whole thread yesterday as I am in similar position myself (24 years married with 1 DS) and DH has OW (a mutual friend). I am with you so much on the highs and lows but you really do seem to be getting there. I have just been to the sol & I think that is when you realise someone is on your side and fighting for you. I asked my STBXH to leave after 2 days once i realised what he was up to and I think you will feel better when txt contact only ... its the mind games otherwise.
Keep up the good work,keep strong and have faith that we're all rooting for you