Does time really heal this terrible pain? 24 year marriage ended.

[drfayray]

I have already posted re: asking DH to leave. This is really a different topic. My 24 year long marriage is over as DH has been having an affair for a year and a half. He doesn't want to be married anymore. We have two children, DS15 and DD 13.

I am feeling the most dreadful pain. I am crying all the time and looking ghastly. I cannot believe that this marriage is over. I cannot even begin to work out how to split things up. Everything we own is from the marriage.

The past seven months (I found out in January) have been absolutely dreadful but now it is worse as it is a certainty. Before now, there was a shred of hope that we could continue but his refusal to stop seeing this OW and not wanting to seek counselling OR really do anything to work at the marriage is a clear signal that I have to accept the end.

I feel like I am flailing around helplessly. I have support in my doctor, my psychologist and my friends but I feel so very alone.

He is not being unreasonable re: money (well so far) so it is not about that. It is about how am I to cope with this? I cannot bear it.

There are so many people here who have gone through so much and I would appreciate some advice.

I want to go back to being the lively, happy, cheerful and great person I used to be. Not this wreck of a scowling, angry, bitter and heartbroken thing I am right now.

Thank you.

work out what your sun and water is and turn to wards it

I love that! really beautiful MAPAM

Ah MC thanks - I use it at work so decided I may as well apply it to my personal life and as Dr fay is a freind she gets it too whether she likes it or not !! xxxxx

drfay try and ensure you actually do get rid of all his stuff, and don't do what I did. It's taken me three goes to really remove everything.

First time it was clothes, paperwork, guitars (yes, like Saff's Lycra Man, fancies himself as Jimi Hendrix's prodigy) photo's etc etc.
But then I kept looking at things and thinking no, there's still this and that. (painful)

Then I went into the loft and found loads of books, records, papers, all his daft teenage poems, blah blah blah. So then I handed them over. (more pain)

In the meantime I decided that I wanted to keep a few of the hundreds of cd's he'd bought over the years to add to our music collection, as he's recorded them all onto the iphone anyway. And so when I handed them over I kept a few back. He's asked for them (even more pain).

So now I've told him to come and clear the shed of everything he has ever put into it (it's a tip) and I've reluctantly parted with the few CD's I wanted to keep because actually if they're that important to me I can buy them myself. I've been through the place with a fine toothed comb and now there is nothing left except the few things he's coming to collect next week. It's made the process longer and more drawn out than it could have been, testimony to how hard it is, even in anger, to accept the end.

So hard as it may be, try and get it done as cleanly as you can drfay. Then you'll look at your home as only yours and your DC's.

You're doing so well, keep it up, we are the stronger one's because we have to be, it's as simple as that.

ps wiseoldowl......the OW is a mutual friend! That really sucks! I hope you are doing ok, what a double betrayal.

Drfayray I have just read your whole thread and have to say how amazing you sound. You have handled everything so well. This relationship board is full of good strong women and you are one of them.

Thank you wiseoldowl and TimeForMeIsFree. I do not feel so strong sometimes but as Wisey said we have to to be.

I have had a nice Saturday today. Slept well although I had cried a lot the night before. After I dropped DS at rock climbing I went to the shops and pottered around looking at makeup and shoes. (Always puts a smile on my face) and then I went to see the psychologist. I brought her up to date and she said that I have done very well and that I need to just be aware that I set unrealistic standards: I expect far too much of myself. She told me to take it easy with the new job and to relax about the kids. They sound like they are coping very well and just need me to relax a bit.

I was too tired to make a start on sorting things and so listened to my body and had a lie down. Then I went out for dinner with a really good friend. We had a lovely meal and a good chat. She too said she thought I was doing so well. Maybe I am hey? Maybe I should listen to what everyone is telling me.

So I have made some decisions. I am going to enjoy my new job, enjoy my children's company and start putting fecker's stuff in a pile. I will then choose a time frame for him to take his shite - all of it.

I am going to try very hard not to think about him or why he has done this or is acting in this deceitful way. I cannot control what he does BUT I can control what I do and how I do it. So that is what I am going to focus on.

Tomorrow, I intend to have a lie in, do some housework (because that will make me feel better) do food shopping so that I am prepared for the week, sort some of shite's shitey shite and hang out with the DC. Cook a nice dinner for us all.

Once again, thank you all for your kind words of support. I really do appreciate them.

Excellent post Drfayray, just excellent! x

Thanks Coconuts - it really is, though the STBXH doesnt seem to appreciate that!
Glad you had a good day DrFayRay, I fully agree with Wisies comments. I am at that place at the moment, everywhere in the house are pictures,items & things just as they were when he left, Everything is a constant reminder. So I keep putting things out on the doorstep (as I am no contact) which I know is pissing him off as he wants to come in & poke about with paperwork & computer - not until I'm ready mate! I like the pile idea though, although make it a pile of only whats useless to him a the moment eh?

Well just had another wobble. Found out that he has taken me off the credit card but he did not even tell me. He is deep in the arms of his family in the UK now. Being welcomed and comforted. I am just so filled with rage at that. What lies is he telling? The bastard..

I rang my parents who were great. Dad just told me to get on with things and to do one thing at a time. I feel overwhelmed. I will never ever forgive him for what he has done. I just hope the universe pays him back for what he has done to us.

DD was very good, calmed me down, sat with me and massaged my head. She just kept saying that I have to do everything now and take control. She is so wonderful considering her very young age. DS is cooking dinner; beef and ale stew and he is going to turn it into a cottage pie with mashed pot on top.

I am so lucky to have such wonderful children. But I am just so very worried about everything. I am finding it very hard to breathe and feel like I am choking. It is the anxiety I guess.

DD said I have to relax. She and DS are very worried about me. But I am trying so hard to be strong.

DD said this is a rough patch atm and I just have to work through it.

So, for tonight; a lovely dinner cooked by my DS then some telly and then early to bed for work tomorrow. Slow baby steps, one at a time.

Well, on the positive side you being off the credit card means you are not liable for any debts he may accrue so personally, I would see that as a good thing. I agree with your lovely dad, one day and one step at a time, just sit back, watch and wait for Karma to bite him on the bum. Hard.

And it will drfary believe me, it will just you wait and see.........

This may sound really lame but it might be worth counting the positives in your life at the moment (of which there are many, just from reading your posts) and keep them written down somewhere so that you can look at them in a wobble moment.

You have so many good things going on and you are so very focussed on the negatives (not surprisingly) but actually there is also an awful lot of lovely things too.

I just think it might be quite I nice way to try to keep the anxiety in perspective for you. Your DD is right (and one very smart cookie who could support you much more if you let her!)

do shoot me down in flames if that does sound lame

No it doesn't sound lame at all. Thank you all so much for posting, I really do appreciate it. I just do not feel so alone when you lovely people on MN post such supportive things. Constructive too which helps me. I do have lovely friends in RL but it is the real experiences of going through what I am now that helps so much.

I slept well considering and had a good morning getting ready with both lovely DC getting their act together with no fuss or bother. First thing on my list is the lovely lovely DS and DD.

I am now at work and intend to enjoy it...it is interesting work and I should not be stressing over it.

I still feel like I am struggling to breathe but am trying hard to relax into it.

I agree with Coconuts, definitely look at the positives.
You got a job, and you're 5 weeks down the line from when you first posted and all the things you have dealt with in that time.
You know the Twunts love to throw in a curveball here and there just to remind us who's boss (yeah right) but check out that new hairdo, stick your chest out, breathe deeply (& regularly) and take each day at a time. Keep adding to that shitey shite pile... and get your own credit card!
& remember you're MN supporters are right here with you.

Hey DrFay, just checking in before I get myself to bed. Look at me, it's nearly 1 in the morning and I'd promised myself an early night to recover from my weekend of behaving like I'm 20-something! You see, I'm still that naughty kid that never wanted to go to bed.

You sound like you're perking back up DrFay which is great to hear. I'm so sorry about the credit card. That must have been such a shock for you. I'm struggling to get a new one at the moment because I have no credit history at the flat and I have no utility bills in my name at the flat, so I'm in a vicious circle right now. I hope you won't have similar issues.

There are some beautiful words of advice here, particularly from MAPAM about the flower, sun and water; I just love that.

I have to say that I don't think that ABCKF can do much more to shake you now. Yes, you will wobble when you start the legal process and at points along the way but what with him having left for England without saying goodbye to the DCs and now you've decided to sort out his crap, I do think that the worst of the long drawn out wobbles is probably over. Take care flower . xx

PS: thumbs up that your DS is cooking a beef and ale cottage pie - kudos to Mum for teaching him!

So a few days have passed since I last posted. I am feeling pretty good at the mo..Work is great. My boss is very pleased with me and is allowing me a chance to have a lot of responsibility. This job is just fantastic. The project I am running is going to help improve health outcomes and access in communities in rural and remote Qld. I am also involved in other things. Fantastic, exciting things!!!

I got paid (for 3 weeks which is great!) and that felt really good. DC are being wonderful. Nothing new there .

ABCKF actually rang yesterday. Remember he refused to talk to me before. I was quite shocked and it was all quite civil. I kept it short. I think his mummy made him ring me actually. hahahaha

Twat.

I was not upset; did not cry. Just spoke briefly and that was it. He told me he was returning to the country on the 4th and that he was going to Dublin and Oslo before that. yawn...nowt to do with me

Then he spoke to the children. Now both DC very reluctant to talk; both said I am doing homework! But I said that they should speak to him. And they did. Briefly.

Twat.

My days are falling into a soothing pattern; early start, getting kids ready, reading on bus to work, work, home, darling children, dinner, hanging out together, bed. Simple but good.

DD said to me the other day that she thought I was amazing. That has really stuck in me. Every time I feel the slightest wobble, I hear her sweet voice saying that to me and I tell you...the best tonic in the world!

DrFayRay is feeling good! I just hope it lasts !

Hi DrFay, how are things?
I empathise most with you as mine is also 24 years before ending and its all those memories. Today I even confided in the guy at the petrol station (who it turned out was also getting divorced ... small world!) and he ended up chatting for over an hour and giving me all kinds of advice. Kind of nice to hear from a guy who was also the 'victim' of affair. This is a petrol station I go to regularly I hasten to add, not just a random one I picked!!
Hope you're DCs and you are being strong - I had a wobble last night as found out he is away with OW both last night & for our long weekend starting tomorrow.
I'm sure there are going to be lots more ups and downs along the way, as I was told, best not to overthink things too much and dont beat yourself up too much over things that are out of your control. Wise words.

Yo DrFay - how down with the kids am I?

Well after my major wobbles over the last week or so I think I'm back on track again and thanks are due to you for helping me get there. :) thank you and phew!

Glad to see you're doing well and feeling good and that your job's working out so well. You coped superbly with ABCKF's phone call. That IS brilliant progress, isn't it? I bet he's starting to scratch his head and feel puzzled about the change he senses in you.

The most important thing to remember is that this rough patch you've just been through and conquered is something you can look back on and learn from. You will look back on the last week or so and know that you CAN cope and that you will come out of the other side with one more gremlin killed off.

I keep my logical head on as much as possible and keep telling myself all of this stuff and sometimes (as you well know) the emotions do get the better of me (I've always been a cry baby so I'm hopeless with the old stiff upper lip business, even in work) but most of the time it works.

So how is the shitey shite pile growing? I hope you are adding at least one thing daily. Preferably the stuff you hated. I left behind some horrible book marks H gave me. They were totally not to my taste and when he gave them to me I just thought WTF? Maybe he bought them for some other woman and muddled up the gifts ... hmm I wonder, that just occurred to me .

So build that pile, flower, it will hurt at times, it will bring back memories, but allow yourself to remember the good times, it may help to remind you that they were a while ago now (at least that's what happened to me). It will hurt occasionally but it will be so cathartic.

I did notice that you missed one thing out of your day: getting your MN fix!!! Shame on you gal!!

Wisedoldowl I told the lady at the bank when I went to open my new sole account. She'd been through the same thing 9 years ago so we had a good old natter about that. It is incredible and sad how many people have been touched by infidelity.

So DrFay I second DD - YOU are amazing. G'night. xx

Hi wiseoldowl, pretty good at the mo thanks for asking. See post above.

Yeah, it is funny but sometimes you can get support from strangers that can be so helpful.

One of my old school friends posted this on her FB..‎'Today is a perfect day to have a Perfect Day' and again another thing that really resonated with me.

I am aiming to have these perfect days. Ah, but what is a perfect day? It can be anything. I am trying (and succeeding more often than not) to find glimpses of perfection as I move along in the day. The cheerful busdriver, the pleasant people on the bus, that I managed to catch the bus I needed to get to the hospital, a beautiful lunch, meeting someone who has fantastic ideas to improve the health of children..that sort of thing.

Take care.

B&A! You sound good today. Excellent. And thanks for saying that I have helped you because I say YOU have helped me so much. I am just glad that through all this horrible horrible times, we can help each other.

Yeah, I have just been too busy to MN. I mean, I look at your thread, wisey, saffy's and Eider too. But just have not had the capacity to post on mine until tonight.

I intend to have another perfect day tomorrow! I hope you do too.
Take care.

xxx

Allow me to give you a glimpse of perfection. Look in the mirror my lovely! Cheesey (sp?) but I do mean it. :)

And yeah, I'm feeling better. Thank god. I can't stand it when I'm all maudling about an arse who hasn't really loved me for probably two years, to be fair. Still it's all part of the territory right now, that good ol' rollercoaster.

Yay for perfection!

I reckon the perfect day starts with realising you have the whole of the bed to stretch out in, and then you can listen to whatever radio station you like. Then you go shopping and you find yourself being much more sociable with the checkout staff than you'd have been before, and guess what, they reciprocate! It really is the small things that make you realise the world is still a fundamentally benign place and full of good people. I think it's a mistake not to make these little things a part of recovery, as if they don't count because they so do.

And it's great that you're having that, really great drfay.

you are sounding so much more positive!...you are right, its the little things...

hang on to them hard as they will help through the low patches.

DrFay and B&A - you are both sounding good at the mo. It is a rollercoaster, there are good and bad days. I too try and find happiness in the small things in life - my pepper plants in my new greenhouse have sprung into actions and have baby peppers on them - and that really cheered me up! I find I have more time to see what's around me too - I notice things I never did before, and I talk more to people - at the supermarket, etc. I stopped doing this when I was with Twunt, I was just so absorbed in our private hell of a marriage, other people were just background noise, if you see what I mean.

It is horrible sorting their stuff out, but great when you get shot of it. And do (if you haven't already) change your bedroom around, get new bits and bobs for it - it really helps.

Keep going - you're both doing really well.