Does time really heal this terrible pain? 24 year marriage ended.

[drfayray]

I have already posted re: asking DH to leave. This is really a different topic. My 24 year long marriage is over as DH has been having an affair for a year and a half. He doesn't want to be married anymore. We have two children, DS15 and DD 13.

I am feeling the most dreadful pain. I am crying all the time and looking ghastly. I cannot believe that this marriage is over. I cannot even begin to work out how to split things up. Everything we own is from the marriage.

The past seven months (I found out in January) have been absolutely dreadful but now it is worse as it is a certainty. Before now, there was a shred of hope that we could continue but his refusal to stop seeing this OW and not wanting to seek counselling OR really do anything to work at the marriage is a clear signal that I have to accept the end.

I feel like I am flailing around helplessly. I have support in my doctor, my psychologist and my friends but I feel so very alone.

He is not being unreasonable re: money (well so far) so it is not about that. It is about how am I to cope with this? I cannot bear it.

There are so many people here who have gone through so much and I would appreciate some advice.

I want to go back to being the lively, happy, cheerful and great person I used to be. Not this wreck of a scowling, angry, bitter and heartbroken thing I am right now.

Thank you.

Hey dr are you better yet? Keep taking the meds, as Saff would probably say.

Sorry you're lurgified, that's really crap on Day 2, but I'm so glad you are loving work. It's a great way to occupy yourself and meet like-minded people.

A prof in 5 years ay, what a great goal. A sexy, sassy, funny prof with gorgeous hair, gorgeous shoes and designer knitware (exclusively made by ProfFayRay of course).

I think we need to add to the arts and crafts aspect of your thread and think about doing a cross stitch sampler of your alphabet guide to errant H's. I can see it hung over the door. If it offends a caller then they're not meant to be our friends!

Aw thanks...blush I have to have these ambitions now as my future is being rewritten BUT I am now the sole author!

Fecker is off now until Sunday? Dunno, and do not care. I need to go thru the solicitor's papers now. Been putting off but I really did not want to read them when he was around.

My ailment is fading and I feel a lot better. I have been going to bed earlier too.

Now this sad..I used to wear contacts but my eyes have been playing up as in having to wear reading glasses AND contacts. So I got some old lady glasses (ok, ok, progressive lenses) and now do not bother with contacts. I mean I still wear makeup and all but the glasses are comfy and look ahem..professorial. But you know..the best bit is that I can now clean my makeup off and shower early after returning home and change into PJs. Before with the lenses I could not. So my excitement? I can get into PJs earlier!!!

So I do not see much hope in any social life . Ah well...not for now, hey?

Work is going very well. It feels good to be employed again. I like dressing up in particular.

Thanks everyone for your lovely wishes.

Epicfail (dear friend) said she thought I was being very strong. I dunno. I still feel pretty bad about a lot of stuff. In particular, how a person can change so much..from a good kind person into a total shithead. That is hard to come to terms with really...

BUT I do have a lot going for me and it would be so wrong to just wallow in pain. I have done so much of that in the past 7 months. Enough.

I take pleasure in all things:

The brilliant winter sunshine we are having in Brisbane atm,

the cheerful bus drivers (in Brisbane it is the done thing to thank the drivers when you leave),

the way the River glistens in the morning,

the cheerful volunteers in the reception desk (my office is in the children's hospital),

my lovely children who were so good this morning getting ready for school,

and really that I am alive, in reasonable health, employed and with my own hair and teeth (so far...anyway...checking both in mirror just in case...

I just want ABCKF far away from me. Far far away...(man , I think the Gold Coast is too fecking near, really)

After a hard day at work, I feel flat . It could be that I ran into an old colleague who now works for the same centre. She said oh I see your husband's name everywhere. I just nodded. Not appropriate at that point to say anything. My boss was there too. It made me realise that I have to tell him. Too awkward otherwise. I am going to meet the rep of the mining company tomorrow with boss so maybe in the cab might be a good time? Ah...so hard when you both are in the same area.

I came home feeling sad and DD was just brilliant. I got a huge hug from her. I said that was just what I needed as I felt rather unloved. She said in a very loud voice that I was being ridiculous and called DS to come over and tell me he loved me too. He was in the depths of writing a 1500 word essay in Spanish, but he came over immediately and I got a kiss and a hug. It cheered me up a bit. I guess this cold or whatever I have is making me feel down. Also the thought that I have no support really.But then reality check: ABCKF did not support me really. I have been doing everything for a couple of years now.

So I made a nice dinner and ate with the kids which was good. I need to just get on with things I guess. But it is hard sometimes when I think about how things are now.

I just have to focus on the DC and my work. And maybe work on meeting that rich hunky miner?

Hair is still good though so a silver lining there.

Yay to rich hunky miners!!!!!!

I'm seeing tanned, shiney muscles now

Sadly all I see is a lot of work . Grim....I feel grim today.

But I did expect feelings of lows as well as the highs. Gawd, I do wish I was not so sensible sometimes.

I had a nice chat with my dear girlfriends last night and a reasonable night's sleep although I did have a little cry but again stopped myself as I do not want to have puffy ugly eyes. I also rang my mum which was great. One of the nice things that has happened from all this is a hugely improved relationship between myself and my parents. So silver linings abound.

This morning dear dear DC were so good; waking up and being organised. I am planning to get them both a nice takeout dinner from their favourite Chinese on the way home.

I must go through the sol's stuff. Dear girlfriends are happy to help me read thru stuff too.

I WILL have a productive day today. No point being all teary and stupid for someone I can guarantee will not be sparing one single thought for me.

There are grim days, and knowing and expecting them doesn't make them any less grim!

I had a rough day Tuesday, lots of practical things to sort re the house renovations and repairs, (which he walked away from). I just had enough and wanted to run away from it all. Felt overwhelmed. Then felt angry with Twunt for just leaving all the responsibility to me. ES getting anxious because A level results out next week, and he needs good grades to get into first choice uni, which he has his heart set on. And Twunt still hasn't signed/returned papers, so is stalling (trying to take back control) and that winds me up.

But yes, we mustn't dwell on these days, just accept them and go with it. But I know how hard it is.

Hope today's a better one for you.

You're not being stupid drfay you're doing what many of us do in the early days.

Whether Alphabet Man is sparing a thought for you and your feelings can be torturous, if only as you tell yourself that he isn't, to try and inject some realism here. At some point you'll stop doing that, it's part of the acceptance that whatever thinking he's doing it's not important to you any more because you are filling your thoughts with other things - like your new job, DC's and muscly miners.

Like Saff says, there are days when you can't help but feel inundated with responsibility that once you'd have shared (or not as the case may be, but there was a relationship you thought you could rely on).

But guess what. he's just a bloke and now you see him in a new light, in the grand scheme of things he's not such a great catch, if he can so casually (apparently) erase bits of his life which don't suit him any more. And you can do the same - pull your investment out of the relationship. Easier said than done at the moment but it does get easier, believe me. And you only have to read Saff's thread to see how to do it.

Well done you for getting on with things. I'm with you, along with everyone else

For me, gaining control was about knowing that the hideous lows would come (that i couldn't stop that), understanding them for what they were, embracing the sadness that has to work its way out somehow and then trying to find ways to break away and move back into the happy times.

It was a deeply painful experience that I would not wish on my worst enemy but also it taught me so much about myself that has remained with the new stronger me.

It will get better I promise you that.

I know that sometimes it all just gets too much, it really does.

At least you know now to expect these lows and you know that they will pass. Just knowing that and reading through all of the personal battles and wins and shared experiences on MN does make it all so much more bearable.

((((hugs to you))))

You are all so kind. Your words and thoughts mean so much. Thanks so much for posting here. I do check it every so often. I have to say it helps to write it down because I can sort of track how I am going. It all helps.

Yes...the lows...I checked my diary and realised that my period is due next week so that prob doesn't help! haha..

I had a good day at work. It is pretty full on but I am very organised and want to do well here. I also had a nice chat with one of the lecturers who wants to sit down with me next week to discuss new courses. We were discussing the idea of a new degree course. He said he wanted to wait until I settled in before asking me! Ha..might as well get stuck in!

Sadly the restaurant I wanted to get dinner from was closed for renos so I went to the local supermarket instead and got some heat and serve curries (very very tasty and popular with kids) and that made dinner really quick and easy. I need to give myself breaks like this from time to time.

Came home to an exuberant hug from DD, vigorous tail wagging and licking from Sophiedog and a cheery shout from DS. Now really that is pretty good!

I also got a nice text from my mum, my friends on FB are supportive and you dear MNs are just wonderful. So I take from all this postitive and try to banish the lows.

I also read the sol's email. Ah why am I such an ostrich? It was fine. I needed to sign some superannuation request forms and send it back to her. Also she needed me the check the letter she is sending to fecking fuckity fuck fuckman. I have said it is fine and for her to send it. So ball will be rolling.....

I wonder how he will react? But see it has to be done..otherwise I can see this limbo like situation just continuing ad naseum. I cannot have that. I have to start my life sans fucker now.

I am also wondering (thanks to your square dancing thread Wisey) if I will ever meet anyone. I will be making lots of new contacts via work very soon and visiting the towns and such like. Hmmmm...food for thought.

I just do not see how I can have any time though. I mean it when I saw I want to be a prof in 5 years. Now that means real focus and hard work. But I would also like to have sex again. It would be nice, you know? .

Ah well...

Thanks once again, lovely people. Appreciate your posts so much.

Dr Fay,
From a blokes perspective I thought I'd add my tuppence worth. I have read all the posts here and just thought that I would say that you come accross as a lovely, clever, articulate, fun and thoroughly decent sort. You do not deserve this but you will, I am sure, find another non-twunt to have in your life for you and the kids. Your zest for life is infectious and palpable and you will make a great catch for someone. With your can-do spirit, that will happen as soon as you are ready for it. Good luck,
Betty.

Hi Dr Fay - Ive been swamped by work , friends and strange turns of events ...but been thinking of you and new job.. just caught up and I am thrilled that it is going so well.... I realise that work has been a lifesaver for me - I think a few weeks in you will realise this.. on bad days it perks you up and distracts you, it gives you a positive identity and confidence ..it also gives you contacts on a day to day basis with nice people ( sometimes including men !! haha) its really helpful and it makes you get up, get ready and face the world - some how all of that ( In my experience) makes you stronger xxx I m sure you will feel this soon xxx well done on the first week xxx

Oooh Betty! Haha, sorry couldn't resist. We do get old reruns of Some mothers here. Well, thank you Betty. That is very nice of you to say so.

MAPAM, thanks for your kind words. Yeah, work certainly helps! And I had a quick look at yours but not read it through properly but will. I gather things are happening!

So my first week of work is over. I did it and it was good. . Well, actually, yeah. It was. The work is very interesting and will have a lasting positive effect on three towns. I see a real potential for doing well here. All I have to do is work hard and work intelligently.

When I got home, I had to get in the car and go to the supermarket. No food in! But I did not feel tired and just thought well, I fancy eating something really nice and so went and got the ingredients for a lovely supper. Got a sponge cake too to celebrate with DC. So that was fine.

Now it is time for bed. I am looking forward to reading my book (The Living and The Dead by Patrick White -a great find in a charity shop for a dollar ) and relaxing.

Tomorrow will be a good day. I am taking DS to rock climbing and going to the markets. I love going there as I always have such a good time. It is in a really hippy/groovy suburb of Brisbane and great for food and music. Then I am going to have a sit down with DC and talk about how we can all pull together so that I do not end up doing it all. I do not want to be overwhelmed by things and I need them to help me. I am also planning to do some cleaning as my house is such a hovel that even a tramp would turn his nose up here! It will help me prepare for the coming week.

Being organised and prepared are ways I can help myself to cope. ABCKF will be back on Sunday I think. I hope with news that his flat is ready. i want him to take his shitty shitey shite shit with him.

Have a great weekend lovely people! I know I am going to try my best to have one!

xxx

Tomorrow will be a good day

I love your positive outlook on life DrFay, it will get you through this and you'll come out the other side much happier. You deserve so much more, I firmly believe things happen for a reason and there's something (someone) fantastic waiting for you.

Enjoy your weekend. X

Thanks Saffy! And ummm 'hey hey!" on your thread.......

Well, I had the best night's sleep last night..since I found out about ABCKF's fucking betrayal. I woke up refreshed and alert. A..Lert..something that has not happened for yonks.

I took DS to rock climbing, decided against the market as hovel needed attention. Well, I saw to that.

Sadly I had a little outburst with DD. But she is so kind, so sensible that it is ok. And I know what set it off too: fucking bastard sent me a text to say hope everything is fine and that he was heading into some fecking national park and would be out of range. I was filled with rage that he can just go and do what he wants but I have to deal with the house etc. DD was actually a bit poorly but I had a go at her for not doing her room. She just said oh mum, I am not very well you know. That made me lose it. I cried...and apologised.

She was lovely; i explained how I really needed some help with the housework as everything was getting too much. She said I was a wonderful mum and that I had to stop beating myself about not doing the best for them.

I felt better and continued to attack the house. Looks better for it.

I am now about to go return my overdue library books (the shame the shame but I really have had no time to do this before) and see about getting a spare pare of glasses.

Then I am going to relax and hang with the two most wonderful people in my world: DD and DS.

All good.

Hi DrFay

I'm glad you're making sure your weekend goes well. I'm sure your cold was getting you down during the week as well as all of the other shite.

It?s amazing what a proper night?s sleep can do isn?t it? I do think that a settled sleeping pattern is a real sign of recovery. We can battle through, superglue smiles onto our faces and teach ourselves tricks to keep going and get through the heartbreak but the one thing we cannot do is force a natural full night's sleep. When that starts to come it really is a sign of things getting better at a subconscious level. (caveat: personal view only, no supporting research identified for a bibliography ).

Anyway I wanted to come back to you on contact lenses (oh, we do it all on MN!) and see if your optician/optometrist has suggested trying monovision contact lenses? I started using them last year after years of wearing specs and I love being able to go out without the old bins on. Like you I have been struck down by the old reading/long distance vision conundrum plus I have an astigmatism thrown in just to keep things challenging for contact lens manufacturers, so I need torric lenses but you can now get these in daily and monthly lenses.

So my left eye is corrected with the reading lens and my right eye is corrected for distance. The clever old brain merges the two corrections together and it seems to work! The optician did tell me it was a compromise that some people just can?t get on with (my sister hated them). I find them good for work (I use a computer ALL day), reading on the sofa or in bed and, most importantly, I can read a menu in a candle-lit restaurant (hence the relevance of this topic to a relationship thread).

I struggle a bit with distance when lighting is poor so prefer not to drive in them when dusk is closing in or when the British weather is in grey drizzly mode and when I?m tired I find I?m blinking a bit more when I need to change focus from distance to near or vice versa but I highly recommend them. Anyway, if you haven?t tried those, you may want to think about it. (You can?t pilot a plane with monovision lenses so if you plan to fly yourself deep into the outback to visit hunky miners, you?re wearing specs to do it!).

Have a lovely weekend and if you?re anything like me, I bet that all weekend you will be chuckling because you have, in your mind?s eye, The Heap, guitar proudly protruding and skiddie mast a-flying. x

DrFay, I so identify with your latest post. We were in the middle of having the roof fixed when Twunt was thrown out. A few weeks later, water was coming in, and I had to get emergency builder round (BIL was away). It was the weekend, I'd arranged to go out with friends, and had to cancel. Then YS got a text from Twunt, saying that he was having a lovely time, managed to get tickets to Cup Final and was sitting there having a ball.

I went bloody ballistic. I seethed with the unjustness and unfairness of it all.

After I calmed down (or thought I had) I went through the kitchen to make a cuppa, and noticed that one of the kids' hadn't put their lunch things in the dishwasher and just left them on the unit. Not a big deal. But it tipped me over the edge. I sat on the kitchen floor and howled like a baby. I shouted at all the kids, told them I couldn't cope and it was all too much.

Then I calmed down and apologised. And all was well again.

It's natural - it's part of the process.

You are such a lovely bunch of coconuts ladies, your support for drfayray and each other is tremendous. epicfail and I talk to her every day but having not been in the same place it is great that she can get such support.

B&A, thanks for the info on the lenses. I have not heard of those. Thing is though, I am finding life easier with glasses after wearing lenses for so many years. These progressive lenses cost a bomb but seem to work very well. In fact I went and ordered another pair; tortoiseshell which are quite..professorial.

Saffy: yeah...thing is I have to keep reminding myself that the other side is that I get to have the majority of DC's love and affection and ABCKF doesn't. Doesn't stop me seething though.

And yes, Foggyfig. These ladies are wonderful.

I had a good weekend. I went to do my errands; library books, eyes and then popped into my favourite store: Myer. I had found a 50 dollar gift card when I was sorting out paperwork and I managed to get a lot of fab clothes as there was a massive sale on. I love dressing up for work.

Had a nice dinner and watched A Passage To India with the children. It was great. I read the book about 20 years ago. DS was interested and now wants to read it. Ummm on the shelf somewhere??

Sunday was slow and easy. A long lie in, watching crap telly with DD and then off to a nice Shopping centre for DD to look at her favourite dolly bird dress shops and then a grocery shop. Came home and had a nap. Then I had a 'talk' with the kids.

Told DC that I need to be able to concentrate on work in order to progress and that the more money I get the better of we will be. I said that for me to be less stressed means more help around the house. So we decided that DS will do some chores and DD others. I said that I appreciated how good they both have been and how much I love them. I want our family unit to be a close one.

I must admit afterwards to feeling very low. That it has come to this where I am the only one who is around to hold things together. ABCKF just fucks off to his 'camping and kayaking' events with nothing on his mind. The responsibility overwhelms me. I also want him to return and get his crap. I feel stifled by the fact that his shit is still here. He is making no attempt to move any of it. I am tempted by Saffy's actions. However, I would just get a big skip and junk it all.

My house is a mess cos of his shit. I keep thinking i could do so much if his stuff were not here. It has to go.

The sol should be sending him the letter this coming week. Hopefully that will move things along.

I am looking forward to the coming week. We have a public holiday on Wednesday: People's Day. This is because the Brisbane Show is on. Qlders love their show so everyone gets a chance to go. The show is called EKKA (haha...short for Exhibition..only in Qld). I am taking DD and her friend.

I plan to be kind to myself. Easy meals, getting into PJs early and early nights with a good book. And focussing totally on work when I am there.

Wish me luck. I am trying to be upbeat but it is ver hard when I feel like Atlas and although I keep shrugging..well the world won't shift. (Nod to those who know Ann Rand).

Hi DrFay glad you had a good weekend. It sounds like what you've achieved with the kids is great and I think that getting kids to help with the chores is always a good thing for them. Your DCs sound very grounded and supportive of you so you are rightly proud of them.

Your plan for the week sounds very professional and organised. I have often planned to be in PJs early and have an early night but I'm blowed if I do. I'm still, at 45, the naughty child fighting to stay up all night, fighting to stay awake and read one last chapter etc.

Good luck for next week - better Atlas than Sisyphus - at least Atlas can grow stronger and learn to support the world, which you're doing in leaps and bounds. xx

I am really really upset right now. . ABCKF came back after a week long of no contact. He is off again, back for Wed night then away for two weeks back in the bosom of his family. I think my son is going off the rails a bit and told ABCKF that he needs to stop indulging in himself and spend some time with his children. I did say that if anything untoward happened I would be blaming him! He said that was not constructive. I said but it would be true. I said DS is very sensitive and upset. DD is harder and indifferent.

I also said we need to sort out a lot of things; he said well it takes time. I replied that it would be faster if he actually stopped indulging himself with his 'camping and kayaking'. I am sorry to say that I actually cried. Whenever it is to do with the children, I cannot take it. crying now actually, stupid fecker that I am

His flat is not ready until he is back from England. His sister sent a text to my phone thinking it was his. Sounds like they are all having a 'lovely' family reunion in Bala. It makes me so angry, all this... so unfair.

I rang his mother last night. She had been worried that I would not talk to her again. I told her that I was fed up of ABCKF rewriting history. He is telling his family that we both agreed to this. I told her to tell his brother and sister the truth. Sigh...why I dunno. I will probably never see them again. That makes me sad but well, this is what happens isn't it?

His mum said that his older brother (also a philanderer funnily enough!) will be sitting him down to ensure that he does not lose contact with the children.

I spoke to the bastard outside as the DC were around. As I spoke to him I looked at his minging face. I do not want to see that face anymore. I am so glad that both children take after me. He has blond hair and blue eyes, and obviously being Indian I have brown skin, black hair and very dark brown eyes. DS and DD have olive skin, light brown eyes and brown hair but take after me in features, especially DS. This is petty I know, I know...but I am just so fucking angry and upset.

It looks like he will not get the solicitor's letter until he returns at the end of August. But maybe that is ok. Oh god, I do not know.

I had a chat with my boss today. Boss know ABCKF but not well. Boss was lovely! He is a very kind and courtly person. He was very sympathetic and said if I needed anything to ask him. If he could help in anyway. I said I just wanted to let him know my changed circumstances. I also said that it would not affect my work in any way. He said that he was very pleased with what I had been doing and knew that I worked independently and well. He said that the centre was very flexible and as long as we got the work done, that was fine.

I am glad I told him. And a good thing is the work the centre does is not fecker's area of expertise (which is privacy of health information and fucking kayaking kunts). This centre is all about telehealth and telemedicine. So that is a good thing.

I feel so out of sorts right now...I have stopped crying so that is good. But I feel like I have slipped backwards now. He has to go. I told him that this kind of ambling in and out suits him BUT it does not suit me!

I hate him so much. How he can live with himself doing something like this I do not know. Now I am stressing about the 20 of Sept(yeah a whole month away!) which would have been the day to mark 25 years of sodding married life.

My wedding anniversay is 17th Sept - that would have been 11 years of marriage. I think I might open some champagne and toast my new life without twuntfeatures.

I know what you mean about the slightest small thing setting you off. I have a house in total mess with so many unfinished jobs. So I've started a list!

drfay don't let ABCKF upset you like that.

Be upset on your own behalf but really he's a cocking twunt; you know it, we know it.

I know what you mean about resemblance. As far as I'm concerned PTM's 'input' to our DD is 50% DNA. That's as far as it goes now, and that don't make a good father, it makes a biological link.

I promise you that the you of just a few short months away will look back on the you in the here and now and marvel at how far you will have moved on. Believe me, I was so enmeshed with PTM at the end of our marriage, the thought of being without him was like killing me off, seriously. That's a bad place for anyone to be in, but as soon as I closed off my boundaries (and the sooner you get ABCKF out the better) it became a whole lot easier.

Take heart and take courage drfay better times are a'comin for you.