Does time really heal this terrible pain? 24 year marriage ended.

[drfayray]

I have already posted re: asking DH to leave. This is really a different topic. My 24 year long marriage is over as DH has been having an affair for a year and a half. He doesn't want to be married anymore. We have two children, DS15 and DD 13.

I am feeling the most dreadful pain. I am crying all the time and looking ghastly. I cannot believe that this marriage is over. I cannot even begin to work out how to split things up. Everything we own is from the marriage.

The past seven months (I found out in January) have been absolutely dreadful but now it is worse as it is a certainty. Before now, there was a shred of hope that we could continue but his refusal to stop seeing this OW and not wanting to seek counselling OR really do anything to work at the marriage is a clear signal that I have to accept the end.

I feel like I am flailing around helplessly. I have support in my doctor, my psychologist and my friends but I feel so very alone.

He is not being unreasonable re: money (well so far) so it is not about that. It is about how am I to cope with this? I cannot bear it.

There are so many people here who have gone through so much and I would appreciate some advice.

I want to go back to being the lively, happy, cheerful and great person I used to be. Not this wreck of a scowling, angry, bitter and heartbroken thing I am right now.

Thank you.

Great to hear you sound positive today DrFay; there are highs and lows and it's surprising how you can go to bed feeling like shit and wake up feeling so much better, and the other way around sometimes.

You are doing so well considering it's still early days. Don't dwell on him rewriting history, let him. People who know him and more importantly you, will see things as they really are. What amazed me is that not one single person has said to me (and I'm talking a lot of people) that I'm being hasty or doing the wrong thing. Nobody said "think about this", or "take some time, don't be hasty". My mother's biggest fear is that I might have him back! And she was his MIL for over 22 years and they got on very well. Just goes to show, doesn't it?

I know exactly how you feel about being on the cusp of something. I so too relate about the wanting all his shit out of the house. 3 months on, and the house (mainly garage) is full of his stuff and it infuriates me. I've decided I'll give him a cut-off date, then get it all packed up and delivered to wherever he is.

It's empowering I think to start legal proceedings and sort out financial stuff for ourselves. Suddenly we realise that we are strong independent women, and we can take charge of our own lives, rather than being at the whim of weak men.

Enjoy dinner, enjoy your weekend - just enjoy!

X

the size 3 needles could just fit in the ole third eye

Oh DrFay how that made me laugh and today that's been a tall order. Thank you!

I too am a knitter and I shall never look at my needles in the same way again. In fact I might dig out my needles and have evil fantasies.

To all of you reading this, enjoy your weekend x

HI Dr Fay and friends ( foggy!) just checkin in on how you are - I roared with laughter at posts around wet fish and norwich - thanks so much for making me laugh !!! I can really see me and saffys mum lining up with wet fish in each hand - how fantastic - infact I think we should launch a campaign Whack a Wally with a Wet fish !! ( venue = Norwich ( DTBF) , requirements = 2 wet fish and be a supporter of DrFay) we could charge an entry fee and saffysmum could do the publicity - all takers sign here on the dotted line .............................!!!!!!!!!!!!! Loved the post office incident - I imagine you as glamourous and gorgeous with black straight shiney hair ( in a new style) so I was clearly right !! Saffysmum - for some reason I imagined that you lived in london ( might be a vague connection in my brain along Absolutely Fabulous lines .... think that was london based and daughter was called saffy I think ..!! ) Well done on every thing you have achieved DrFay I am holding your hand for monday xxxxxxxx

Yes Mapam, like your thinking!

Whack a wally with a wet fish and because I'm a bit of a show off I'm going to get a bucket of raw herring from Norwich Market to chuck over him as well - complete with brine! LOVELY.

I loved AB FAB, and I used to work in PR, and did work in London for a few years many decades ago - but that's where all similarity ends. I haven't got a daughter called Saffy - but my sis who I lost recently has - and she's like a daughter to me!

Hope you had a lovely evening at the gallery DrFay.

BeforeAndAfter, I had a quick look at your thread and I am GLAD you laughed. I am sorry about your situation. This all sucks big time.

MAPAM, thanks for the handholding for Monday; much appreciated

Saffysmum, I have this strange feeling that if I give you my surname and the names of SIL, PIL etc, you might know them...hmmmm small world? Fuck yes!

I had the best night last night. I must admit I had my friends in stitches over ABCKF's antics. And you know, that made me think that I am really on the road to something new as the past 7 months I was howling like a banshee and with liquid leaking from practically every orifice (well, crying really, but it felt like it ). My girlfriends and I are going to do this once every two months.

I had a cosy evening afterwards chatting to DD and her bestie. Then went to bed and it was ok. Now it is nearly noon and I am about to drop DD and her bestie to see Voldemort die by dandruff again and I need to collect my old lady glasses which are ready.

Then this evening, we are off to see Guys and Dolls at the local theatre. Very very good production judging by the reviews.

I feel good. You are so right Saffysmum. Getting legal advice has given me strength and confidence. I know that there will be downs, sure, but I think I can ride through them.

clicking size 3 needles in air

Hand me a wet fish too please. (I could do with a trip to the UK - it couldn't be any wetter and miserable than it is here in my part of OZ today.)

DrFay actually does have quite some talent and great timing for comedy - (not to mention loud voice, great vocabulary and propensity to wave arms illustratively while speaking) - perhaps one day a new career path Dr?

;-)

Saffy you are doing so well too, I am midway through your thread, good grief these ABCKF type men are quite abundant aren't they?

come and join in the fun - we are also going to put saffys mums STBXH( lycra man I think) in the stocks ( as hes in norwich) to be whacked !!! as well. Slight name change on saffys thread to wankerinstead of polite term wally. ......epicfail is right tho this could keep us busy for years there are so many ABCKFs around xxxx

Dr fay hope you enjoyed your evening and so pleased you made friends laugh with his escapades cos thats what he is "a joke". xxx

Hi I've just started reading some of the posts on mumsnet and you ladies are so great supporting each other. The men that have done this seem so similar to - they all remind me of my rotten H who left me after 23 years (with 3 kids) for a colleague.
They seem to lose their conscience and become soleless robots.

Keep up the support and hope everything works out for you DrFay

would anyof you be able to help me with my financial worry I posted today about DH support, cos i'm worried we'll lose the house.
Some of you might have been in this position.

Thanks

fellowship I just read your thread and think maybe you should have given a bit more background ie a marriage of 23 years , sorry you got soem short shrift.

Get a good solicitor who specialises in family law.

Your H sounds like he has a good salary etc but thinks hes above the law and can manipulate his way out of honour and doing the right thing

My H like yours an FD who could have hidden things etc but once he knew I had hired someone decent he didnt waste his time

I get good spousal maintenance to reflect all that we know ie we run their lives give up out own all on the understanding its a deal and if they decide to renege then there are consequences and we dont just have to be left with our heads spinning wondering how to pay the bills.

Whatever the likes of fabbychic think we are not utterly indepependent beings who should simply shape up when 23 years later they get an itchy dick

drfray sorry ti hijack but feel for fellowship

Fellowship - what is your thread called please? Then I can have a read and hopefully advise if I can.

Mapam - at great personal expense, I have secured an angry live (female) lobster, and somehow her front pincers haven't been bound! So all I need is a time and a place and me and "pincy" will be there!

DrFay - hope you are ok. After your joke with the knitting needle I shall never be able to insert a catherter with a straight face again!

No worries on the so-called hijack...anything that can help ease the pain for anyone is good.

I will go and take a look see at your thread fellowship.

Well, I am having a reasonable weekend..so far.

Had a marvellous time at the theatre with wonderful DC. Then this morning, I woke up early (for me ) and did the supermarket shopping so that I have food for the whole week. This is so when I come back from work, I have easy meals that can be done quickly.

Then I took DS into the city as the once a month suitcase rummage was on. This is a cool event. People sell stuff from a suitcase! Vintage, new, unique whatever...DS found some great records and made friends with this seller who told us she goes to another market on Sundays. DS and I had a lovely time. We get on so well. . I am very proud of him.

Now I am home. DD is having some maths help from ABCKF and I am being detached and cool. I am just biding my time. He will be out soon enough. I realise that I have accepted this situation and am really trying hard to move forward with my new life.

The sol has sent me a letter confirming all sorts of things. I have yet to look at it properly (feel a bit scared..foggyfig calls me an ostrich and she is right) but I will. It is happening.

I looked at ABCKF today and just wondered...how could he do it. Spoil everything. I just do not understand. Then gave myself a shake and went off to do the grocery run. Pah! Pointless exercise that, trying to work it out.

I hope all you lovely women have a great weekend.

You are such a strong woman DrFay, I'm very impressed

You're doing everything just right. Keeping busy and getting on with your life, keeping cool and detached from him, and not trying to get inside his head.

I got a huge pack of info from my sol, and I just peaked at it for a day or two, then skimmed it, and about a week later when I felt the time was right, I went through it all thoroughly. I found it helpful to have a highlighter pen, so I could pick out stuff I needed to think about/ask her about - otherwise it was all a bit overwhelming.

Hope your job goes well, do let us know how you get on.
X

It certainly sounds like you've got your head in that crucial place DrFay where you can look at ABCKF and, when you find yourself going soppy, you can now "give yourself a good talking to", shake yourself out of it and crack on with whatever it is you were going to do anyway. It must be so hard still living together under the same roof, and somehow I think that the intermittent basis of your living arrangements makes it so hard on you and the DCs every time he comes back. I'm not sure I could hold it all together like you are doing if my H kept showing up, so kudos to you lady!

Just think you can go where ever you want to go and you can be what ever you want to be and you do so with the support of a wonderful family and friends. Something to remember too, is the amazing example you are setting to your DCs by forging ahead like this. They are learning from you that when the proverbial hits the fan you can have time to fall apart, briefly, but then you get up and get on with life in the most positive way you can.

I shall be thinking of you Monday morning Aus time, looking all gorgeous and confident, new hair, perfectly put together outfit and a mind as sharp as pin.

GOOD LUCK tomorrow and enjoy the first day on your new path. x

Well, this thread is moving on at speed and good for you drfay.

I think the fact that you manage to hold it together while ABCKF is in the house is amazing, I couldn't do that, PTM made me want to vomit.

Now, on the serious front, have you bought yourself some new shoes yet? They are an absolute must have.

"Whatever the likes of fabbychic think..."

oh dear, fabbychic has some very acerbic views and isn't afraid to voice them. I haven't read your thread, fellowship - what is it called? - but if you have dependent chldren there is no way the law will allow you to be forced out of your home. Find a Family Law Association (FLA) solicitor, first half hour free (you can get a lot done in half hour!) to access your case. If you are struggling financially, ask the solicitor if you can pay by instalments. I paid £40pm until the bill was paid - quite a few years, but an essential expense.

I'd also suggest you call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 for advice and support. They are the experts on situations like yours.

Sorry for hijack. Drfay you are a star. Well done, keep going (you are an inspiration )

assess not blinkin access

Another tip drfay (and fellowship, and anyone in this situation): it's good to have a friend to read the letters from your solicitor first. That is, once the whole thing is rolling - because some of the letters can be really nasty and you need to brace yourself to read them. ie the ABCKFs can start to get down and dirty, and your solicitor has to write to you to let you know what ABCKF is proposing. It can be very upsetting, so it's better to get someone to read it through first to let you know what to expect - "hmmm this one is a bit horrid" or "oh, nothing to worry about here". Some of the letters are pretty standard and won't be a bomb going off in your chest. But do be prepared, the ABCKF can be absolutely vile once they realise how much the whole thing is going to cost them, and that they can't call all the shots.

wisedupwoman, let me assure you that drfay has definitely bought new shoes.

Umm 2 pairs actually! Foggyfig is !

I had a great day! New boss is lovely and really glad to have me on board. Have not been wanted or welcomed for a while.

I had a moment today. Was reading some papers and this intense feeling of sadness hit me and I had to fight back tears. Did not cry but it was hard. Then I just shake myself (reminded myself of the Sophie dog shaking her head when she has an itch ).

Ah it is very hard having ABCKF in the house. For my beloved DC, I hold it together but I tell you, I have been favoring size 3 needles for a while .

Thanks for the good wishes. I am buoyed by them.

drfay really pleased to hear you've had a great first day....onward and upward! x

I have been struck by the dreaded lurgy! Coughing hard enough to bring up a lung ffs! How unfair. Coughs go straight to my chest and I sound like I am in the last stage of TB! (checked tissue but no flecks of blood so I think perhaps exaggerating ) But managed to work like fuck today. Boss was very pleased. The work is vey interesting and involves setting up something brand new that will help three communities.

I am too busy and tired to bother about ABCKF. He is still around but am civil for sake of kids and hardly say anything. He is off soon, tomorrow. And away for weekend. I should ask when his flat is ready but you know what, i canna be arsed!

I am so happy about work. So interesting and full on. Hardly time to think too much.

Sorry you're not well, but pleased that job is going so well. Just what you need to take your mind off stuff at home. X

Hi im a new member of mumsnet and i have been looking for some one to talk to about my relatinship without feeling embarrassed. I understand how drfayray feels when a relationship breaks down because i have just pulled my head out of the sand to realise mine has been broken for the past 10 years.I left him at some point but went back because i thought he was the only person to make me happy. This is after 24 years and 3 children. He has been in another relationship for 10 years and has been telling me what he feels i need to know and when he needs me i am there but when i need him i realised i was by my self. I have been too low to face him and tell him the truth hoping things will get better but each time he keeps on moving on. Its sad painful and i need a heart rub. I have tried not to cry infront of my kids but the worst thing was when he told me our relationship has reached its cell-by-date. I have to be strong for my kids but i need advice on how to keep being strong and move on HELP. STARTING TO BREAK DOWN AGAIN

Oh I'm so sorry Mide. This sounds awful. Start a thread and lots of people will come to help you.