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Original poster

In thinking my dh orally raped me?

301 replies

MsZ · 12/07/2011 09:52

I was giving my dh a bj last night. I wanted to just come up for a breather (as you do!) and he pushed my head back down. Not a big deal, normally just his way of saying no don't stop now i'm nearly there

However i really needed to stop for a second and tried to lift my head again, quite hard to make it clear i wanted to stop. He forcibly held it down and i tried again pushing even harder but he still held me down :(

I then threw up all over him.

I know what he's done, so really i don't know why i am asking. I'm just numb. We've been together 10 years and he has never done anything like this or disrespected me in this way. Why now? I don't want to speak to any of my friends i feel so ashamed that i let him do this to me and that i don't have the guts to leave.

He know's what hes done too. Ive had begging texts and emails off him all night saying how sorry he is and how he can't believe he violated me.

I guess i just needed to tell someone, anyone, to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
TheRhubarb · 12/07/2011 11:42

MsZ I understand your feelings for your husband, 10 years and 3 children means that you have a strong connection with him that you simply cannot turn off like a tap.

However you also have responsibilities towards yourself and your children.

You can give him all the counselling and help he needs and he might still reject it. What makes you think that he will go through with any of it if you stick around? What would be his incentive? You staying is sending out the message that he can do what he likes.

What you need to do is calmly ask him to leave for a while. Explain to him how his actions made you feel and that over the last 2 years things have been difficult and you don't feel that you are being respected at all by him. However if he agrees to leave and seeks help off his back, then you can start to rebuild your relationship slowly.

What this should do is give him the incentive to seek help.

You love him dearly and want to help him. So ask him to leave because staying put is not helping him, but giving him a bit of tough love is. You never know, he may emerge a better person for it and perhaps you can give your marriage another go, but if he doesn't then you will be in a better position to call it a day having coped on your own thus far.

You love him, but does he love you enough to act his age and start taking responsibility for his own actions? Time to find out MsZ.

TheRhubarb · 12/07/2011 11:44

My brother is ex-forces and supports Combat Stress

A temporary separation is not a good enough reason for them to take your home away. It gives you both a bit of breathing space and if you need to find your own place you have the time to do that.

carriedababi · 12/07/2011 11:46

squeaky, he raped her ffs,you can't say it was a blowjob gone wrong, he heldher head down until she was sick, i am genuienly scared for her, and very concerned, who knows what hes capable of doing next.
it is a very sad fact that 2 women die every week in the uk due to dv.
he could harm her or the children an i think the number one prioroty is her and her dcs safety

DariusVassell · 12/07/2011 11:46

Jesus Squeaky....if someone pushed an object down your throat and held you so tight that you gagged and vomited, you'd say it was a crime wouldn't you? Not a "blow job that went wrong"!!

Why can't some posters see the difference between fellatio and throat-fucking? Or consensual sex and rape?

SchrodingersMew · 12/07/2011 11:48

I think it's sick that there are people on a parenting website who would say this is normal behaviour.

If she was sick he obviously held her down enough to choke her. That is rape plain and simple.

worraliberty · 12/07/2011 11:49

FFS carriedababi you might want to keep your over active imagination in check here...you know for the OP's sake? Hmm

Birdsgottafly · 12/07/2011 11:51

Carried and Darius- it is for the OP to decide if she wants to end her relationship for good, go to the police, or if this is worstening behaviour because of her DH's childhood abuse, these arguements just make the thread very difficult to read and puts OP's off from posting.

The OP has stated that as yet she is not ready to share this with anyone outside of her or her DH.

Original poster
MsZ · 12/07/2011 11:51

No a temporary split isn't a reason for them to take the house away but really you only get 3-6 mths. 3 mths with him paying the rent, then we have to "officially" decide whether we are staying together which either means him moving back in, or going down as officially seperated at which point i get another 3 mths before the ball starts rolling on us being asked to move along. That begs the question is 6 mths long enough for him to get a grip? I guess only time can tell on that one.

Suppeline do they they have direct access to a psych at work? I know he can go to the med centre but i thought it was a case of them then being referred on? Its the AWS he approached about the counselling as we had marriage counselling off them last year so they know us iyswim.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 12/07/2011 11:52

It is rape, in definition, but it is for the OP to decide how to deal with this.

squeakytoy · 12/07/2011 11:52

She was already in the throes of giving him a blow job. He hadnt forced her to do it in the first place.

How many of us here have been in the middle of sex, just about to have the big O, and gripped their partner tightly with our legs, saying "dont stop now" or words to that effect.. does that mean we have abused them or raped them?

What he did was wrong, very wrong, and he went too far, but I am not seeing domestic violence here, just a man who got carried away as he was about to come, and fucked up big time.

I also see absolutely no reason to think that the children are at risk here, or that the OP is at risk from violence. I find some of the posts on here to be quite shocking in a way that the OP is almost being brainwashed into ending her marriage, rather than being given any constructive help in how to move forwards and deal with this with her husband.

carriedababi · 12/07/2011 11:54

to the people on here that seem to think this is ok, you make me sick
it is not ok
not at all

i haven't told the op what tp do whatsoever, im certainly no expert.

i just want her and her dc to be safe

squeakytoy · 12/07/2011 11:55

Not one person has said that what he did was "ok".

Birdsgottafly · 12/07/2011 11:55

Op 3 months could make a big difference but he will have to give up porn and he will have to commit to it. The help will have to continue once he is back home. You don't need couple counselling to start with, you can get counselling off your own back while he is dealing with his issues, this will help you to clarify what it is you want and need.

ScarlettIsWalking · 12/07/2011 11:55

"How many of us here have been in the middle of sex, just about to have the big O, and gripped their partner tightly with our legs, saying "dont stop now" or words to that effect.. does that mean we have abused them or raped them?"

Er slightly different scenario to the OP!

rainbowtoenails · 12/07/2011 11:55

Omg, squeaky! This was not a bj gone wrong. It was rape. Call a spade a spade.

SchrodingersMew · 12/07/2011 11:55

Squeaky So it's okay just because she was already doing it?

If you were having sex with your partner and gripped them and said "don't stop now" that would be okay if they didn't say back "I want to stop" if they did that it would be rape.

effingwotnots · 12/07/2011 11:55

erm you can commit rape part way through sex, a sexual act... just because you agreed to participate doesn't mean you can't change your mind!

worraliberty · 12/07/2011 11:55

Well said Squeaky

Some people are making this thread look more like a fantasy creative writing course.

Pretty sick when you consider there are real people and real lives involved here.

TheOriginalFAB · 12/07/2011 11:56

From the title I thought he had done oral sex on you without your consent.

Not sure how to word this but my DH apologised for something he had done in bed when really it was my fault so yes, people will apologise whether they think they were in the wrong or not if they other person has been upset.

I would be careful about making this more than it needs to be but also you both need to talk about it and explain your thoughts and actions about last night.

SchrodingersMew · 12/07/2011 11:57

Oh and btw, I have just asked my DP. He also thinks it's rape.

His words were "If you want head, don't touch theirs".

DariusVassell · 12/07/2011 11:58

The OP is absolutely at the risk of violence. Rape is violence.

The Dcs are at risk. This man is a porn user and it is only a matter of time before they stumble across it in their own home.

You seem to be doing a good job of minimising what happened here squeaky and trying to normalise this as something that happens in most relationships.

squeakytoy · 12/07/2011 12:00

I dont see it as rape. I see it as rough sex that went too far, but not rape. That is MY opinion and I dont expect everyone to agree with me.

If my husband had done this to me, I would be livid with him. I would not easily forgive him, but (on this incident in isolation) I would not consider going to the police or leave him.

If I was in a fairly new relationship, it would be a dealbreaker, but if after ten years of having sex with someone this was a first time thing, I would be more inclined to consider it a very big error on his part, and one that I would trust him never to repeat (considering the remorse he has shown).

I have been in two violent relationships in the past, so I am not clueless with regard to DV at all.

SingOut · 12/07/2011 12:00

You can always say no in sex, always have the right to do so even if the person is about to come. It makes no difference - you can always change your mind even at the last minute. A blow job is also a gift in many ways - a woman's mouth is rather far away from her clitoris and there's not always much in a BJ for her, so even more reason to be able to stop at any point if she's tiring or uncomfortable or whatever.

Obviously the OP couldn't even speak to say 'No' or 'Stop' because her partner wouldn't let her come up for air. Shock How can anyone on this thread rationalize or play down this incident when the bloke himself immediately knew he had done something really awful?
God, MN disgusts me sometimes. Of course it was bloody rape! Now the OP has to find a way of moving forward. Truly, why would anyone want to stay with a bloke who could do this?

LtEveDallas · 12/07/2011 12:00

MSZ, I feel for you, and hope that the shock of this horrible incident is slowly fading. I cannot offer any emotional help, but just wanted to post to say, practically please remember that you can have up to 6 months to get your head around what you want to happen next.

Your H can move back into the block/mess for up to 3 months 'unofficially' to give you some breathing space and help make a decision. It's a cooling off period and is known by all Welfare Officers. If, after 3 months you are still unsure, or not ready to leave he then becomes officially separated on JPA and you have a further 90 days before you have to leave.

All this time he carries on paying for the qtr and you can ask him to leave whenever you want.

If, all the end of the full 6 months thing still aren't in place then DE cannot make you homeless, but can then make you pay full Market rent whilst they assist you to find your own place.

I just wanted you to know that there is no rush here, you can take a fair whack of time to decide your future. If there is anything I can do for you in a practical way please PM me, even if it's just finding telephone numbers etc.

Thinking of you.

worraliberty · 12/07/2011 12:01

Oh what complete and utter shite Darius

The children are at risk and it's only a matter of time before they find the porn?

You know this how exactly??

Do get a grip Hmm

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