In thinking my dh orally raped me?

[MsZ]

I was giving my dh a bj last night. I wanted to just come up for a breather (as you do!) and he pushed my head back down. Not a big deal, normally just his way of saying no don't stop now i'm nearly there

However i really needed to stop for a second and tried to lift my head again, quite hard to make it clear i wanted to stop. He forcibly held it down and i tried again pushing even harder but he still held me down :(

I then threw up all over him.

I know what he's done, so really i don't know why i am asking. I'm just numb. We've been together 10 years and he has never done anything like this or disrespected me in this way. Why now? I don't want to speak to any of my friends i feel so ashamed that i let him do this to me and that i don't have the guts to leave.

He know's what hes done too. Ive had begging texts and emails off him all night saying how sorry he is and how he can't believe he violated me.

I guess i just needed to tell someone, anyone, to get it off my chest.

Just a thought: you mention that you are a forces family. Does your H see active combat and has he done so recently? Or was he in a combat zone somewhere seriously nasty a couple of years ago ie with a possibility of seeing some dreadful things and this being the trigger for his subsequent awful behaviour?
I am not excusing or minimising his treatment of you, it's wrong and unacceptable, but it's sometimes helpful to be able to find some sort of explanation for why a previously loving and lovable partner is mutating into a shithead.

squeakytoy, you make the most sense

Whats that, another rape apologist trying to derail the thread? Either support the op or leave.

sorry - who is being called a rape apologist ?

So sorry this happened to you op , ive experienced similar from my exh . Are you quite certain that he has previously been a perfect husband for the last 8 years ? I ask because when i accessed counselling i was asked if anything like that had happened before , i said No .

However after much thought , it was obvious there had been , i simply hadnt noticed . Pestering for sex , sulking when i said No , groping me , making me feel guilty , a porn addiction ect , vulgar comments , mithering for sex if i was ill or tired , ect . It was obvious that there had been low level sexual abuse occuring for years but i hadnt noticed , it had simply escalated .

This wasnt about sex , or him getting off , it was about power and control . Think carefully about whether this really is the first time hes ever used sex to dominate you . Id also suggest speaking to womens aid or rape crisis .

Good point SGB.

How are you this morning MsZ?

rainbowtoenails ?

"is this just the start and it will be all downhill from here? Don't they all say sorry and the op forgives them, then it happens again and bang you are stuck in a dv cycle. How do i know giving him the benefit of the doubt because of our time together without abusive behaviour is the right thing to do?"

He started the downhill slide a bit further back though, didn't he? He is gradually trying to cross line after line and the pestering you with apologies, etc., is more of the same.

I think you should go to your nearest rape crisis centre and deal with this one thing that has rightly shocked you so much, then tackle the other things that have been slowly erasing your personal boundaries in this relationship.

Sit on his face until he passes out - that should do the trick.

IMO It is a betrayal and by letting him think he can get away with it encourages him to do it again. You are married to him, you know him. Yet you said you felt too ashamed to talk to your close friends? That you feel raped? Violated?
DH just said sorry?......IMO how do you ever get past this kind of betrayal?
You vomitted over him? My God however much he might have been enjoying it, what he just did what with sick all over him?
It's your choice hun, if you did walk away from this cruel treatment, who would blame you? You can imagine anyone's reaction if they heard what he had done to cause your marriage to break down?
Everyone who has any kind of sex has a "Safe Word" or "Signal" he ignored your "Signal" more than once?

Could you imagine if you had pinned him down and he couldn't get you off?
If you had put all your body weight over his face?...(Yeah I know we wouldn't but it's the point I am trying to share?)

I am sure people on here that are questioning your thoughts to split from him after this have never experienced their MAN use such incredible force? For that is the only way this vile act could have happened?

At the end of the day hun, this is just the internet, you and your man have to really "Live through this" No-one can tell you what is right or wrong?
This is only IMO xx

I thought i would update for all the lovely people that took the time to offer me their advice.

My dh has now moved out (at my request). He has also seen his Dr, was referred to a psychiatrist and has been referred for psychotherapy. We haven't seperated as such, more of a take it one day at a time and see what happens situation. In 6 mths time if i don't feel he is making progress or changing i will be moving on knowing i did everything i possibly could and can walk away with no regrets or what ifs.

I'm glad you're ok (or as ok as you can be) and that he's making efforts. I hope it works out in the best way for you.

MsZ well done, that takes a lot of strength and it sounds really positive. I think realistically you can only take it one day at a time. But you are definitely doing the right thing by giving yourself some space and making sure DH is on the right track, whatever the future holds. Good luck.

Thanks for the update. Sounds like you've dealt with the situation really well.

Best of luck with everything :)

Well done for taking so many constructive steps; that takes great courage and wisdom.
Wishing you all the best.

Vile behaviour.

He might be sorry but why would he not do this again?

Best of luck.

Make sure you are clear in your own mind exactly in what measurable and proveable ways he has changed for the better

and stick to that full 6 months

don't cave after a couple of weeks because he has said a few pretty words

x

Good for you. You should have called the police and have him charged with oral rape.

Why is it trending when only one poster has replied to the poster who bumped the thread?! Is it not the most active threads that end up in "trending"??

I thought this was recent? 6 years old!

I heard about a woman whose husband was performing oral sex on her and when she was climaxing she clamped her thighs hard around his head and next thing she knew she was surrounded by cops and being arrested for raping him. Terrible business indeed. He was taken to a safe place and she did time.

ZOMBIE THREAD!

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I'm so sorry this has happened to you MsZ.

Take care of yourself and do what is right for you