In thinking my dh orally raped me?

[MsZ]

I was giving my dh a bj last night. I wanted to just come up for a breather (as you do!) and he pushed my head back down. Not a big deal, normally just his way of saying no don't stop now i'm nearly there

However i really needed to stop for a second and tried to lift my head again, quite hard to make it clear i wanted to stop. He forcibly held it down and i tried again pushing even harder but he still held me down :(

I then threw up all over him.

I know what he's done, so really i don't know why i am asking. I'm just numb. We've been together 10 years and he has never done anything like this or disrespected me in this way. Why now? I don't want to speak to any of my friends i feel so ashamed that i let him do this to me and that i don't have the guts to leave.

He know's what hes done too. Ive had begging texts and emails off him all night saying how sorry he is and how he can't believe he violated me.

I guess i just needed to tell someone, anyone, to get it off my chest.

You speak a lot of sense rhubarb and i know that you are right.

He said in his email he wanted to run away and leave me to live a good life but that was the cowards way out. Unfortunately its staying thats the cowards way out for him but he can't see that. I worry for his mental health.

If i make sure he's getting the help and support he needs if i kick him out, it means me telling people whats happened and i don't want to. Otherwise it means him being in god knows what state, with no support and me probably feeling guilty and worried which i know i shouldn't, but i can't just turn that off.

The really frustrating thing is i know exactly what i would say to a friend in this situation yet its so much harder when its a subjective topic. I know full well i need to MTFU!

MsZ, sending you lots of sympathy and strength. It is perhaps possible that some event a couple of years ago triggered a revival of the bad feelings from this man's childhood and started this process: maybe he is cracking up as abuse victims sometimes do years after the event.
However that does not mean he gets to work out his traumas all over you. YOU matter and you deserve to feel safe and be treated with respect. Tell him he needs to move out for the moment and leave you alone to sort your thoughts out. A basically decent man will be remorseful and will show his remorse by doing what you ask him to do. A man who gets defensive and nasty and makes it All About Him is showing that he is NOT a basically decent man, that he thinks he is more important than you and what you want and how you feel don't matter.
If he refuses to leave, and if you feel strong enough, you could tell him that he either moves out or you will call the police and report him for sexually assaulting you.

"Is anyone else thinking that this may have been premeditated? Maybe or maybe not through porn the ops dh has developed a fantasy of orally raping a woman to the extent ofbeing vomitted on"

It is unlikely but possible.

The negative effects of porn on a person susceptible to them tend to be insidious. It is entirely likely he came across Gag porn whilst viewing, if not sought it, however, it's impossible to say whether his fantasy crossed into reality with or without awareness.

The issue is that either way, his P was not consenting of the act.

(For those of you so horrified by the reality, this is it. Gag porn is so popular, so common and has such a high following, that it even has it's own name.)

Jeez MsZ! Don't MTFU! W TFU

If you end up splitting up, you don't have to tell anyone the real reason.

And you're right, it's a very subjective topic

OP what 'people' willl you have to tell if you make him get the help he needs by not having him back. The only people who matter are you, your DP and DC's, you can tell the rest of the world what suits you.

Oh you poor thing, this must have been horrible and is totally not your fault.

Without being in the situation or relationship, none of us can really judge, but do YOU believe he knew what he was doing? Do you think he was just "in the moment" and didn't realise how hard you were trying to pull away? Do you think at the time he just thought "she doesn't really mind, it's only a couple of seconds more" etc? Do you think he thought "I know she wants to get up but sod it"?

I think some people here are getting a bit carried away and distracted from the main point which is how you deal with this yourself.

Do you think you can carry on in a happy, safe, nuturing relationship or not after this? Are you scared of him? Do you think he genuinely didn't mean it and made a mistake which he won't repeat? Do you think it's the thin edge of the wedge and he meant to do it?

Good luck.

He is not your responsibility, he choose to do this, you have done nothing to be ashamed of, nothing.

He is a grown up, he can look after himself.

Do you love him, do you want to continue with this relationship, do you think you could ever trust him again when you are having sex (and really not having sex isn't an option is it?).

Please call Rape crisis OP. I am sure that your emotions are pretty normal following this, you seem to sympathise with him more than yourself though. You've done nothing wrong. I would imagine this is classic thinking when this sort of thing happens within a marriage, we would rather 'help' our abuser than ourselves. It's possibly easier to consider how dreadful things are for him than what has been done to us. BUT actually talking to someone professional who understands would really help.

I'm really sorry this has happened. Be kind to yourself.

I really don't think he intended for me to puke all over him. Bloody pleased i did though as i think it certainly made the point he'd gone too far.

Swallowedafly, we are in forces accomodation. So although i can ask dh to leave initially and he can stay on camp eventually me and the kids will have to move out.

I have no idea whether the act was pre-meditated in this case, but it would be very naive to assume this never happens.

The main issue about the nature of this is that someone with an abused background shouldn't be using porn as he is. Not if others are into it.

"It is entirely likely he came across Gag porn whilst viewing, if not sought it, however, it's impossible to say whether his fantasy crossed into reality with or without awareness"

Indeed, it's also impossible to say whether he had any kind of fantasy at all....

i have never told, msz to go to the police, ive only asked if she would consider it.

i was also thinking the policemay be able to support her to get him out of the house, she her and her dc have a safe place to stay

when i don't know what path to take in life, i often think what would i avise/want my dd to do in that situation, so you may want to consider how you would feel if your child what in that situation.

a good step forward may be just simply to tell soomeone in rl about whats happened, as that makes it real then, i know why you don't because you probably feel embarassed, but if you start with onesmall step and tell a friend or someone whats happend you may feel clearer about what to do iyswim.

He probably didn't mean for you to puke, but he didn't really care much either. I'm not sure what 'in the moment means' tbh. I just don't think if his sergeant walked in or his mother he would have still found himself 'in the moment'. I think 'in the moment' is code for I couldn't give a shit what you want I'll take what I want regardless.

'The main issue about the nature of this is that someone with an abused background shouldn't be using porn as he is'

that is not the main issue here-the main issue is listening to MrsZ and her using this thread as a outlet.

Op then the only way for things to continue is for him to help immediately with a promise to continue if he has to come back home, that is if you want the relationship to continue.

You need tomake clear that you are only accepting what has happened because of his background and unless that is being worked on, then the marriage ends, if the behaviour continues.

I only managed to get to page 4, so I am sorry if what I am going to say has already been said.

That is not bloody acceptable, I've seen the comments saying he probably just got carried away and I don't know if the view has changed but... If this thread was about you having penetrative sex with this man and you said you tried to pull out and he wouldn't let you everyone would be saying rape.

It makes no difference that it was in your mouth, by trying to pull away that was you taking away your consent, which he didn't bother to take notice of. This is still rape. In fact, I think oral rape is worse in some cases.

I would have bitten his fucking dick off and spat it back in his mouth.

Thingmummy- i have posted many times, posters are getting into stupid arguements on wether this sort of porn is popular,

i was also thinking the policemay be able to support her to get him out of the house, she her and her dc have a safe place to stay

Safe from what? There is no history of violence prior to a blow job that went wrong, he is not threatening her now..

Rape crisis would be the best people to speak to. As this thread has proved, there are people out there who think this behaviour is in some way understandable and normal.

I agree with crapola. He could have stopped if he really wanted to. There is no excuse for rape.

Worral thank you. I spotted that too and realised I had omitted an important point.

...It's impossible to say whether this became a fantasy of his and whether, if so, it crossed into reality with or without awareness.

The OP, as yet is saying that she doesn't want to share this, she needs a counselling service first, if she wants to take this further, she will need support, this will not be easy as she is in forces accodation.

If your a forces family I get why it would be difficult for you not to keep the house and also that it would be more obvious that you were no longer sharing a home. How you going to stay with some family? Or even just borrow a friend/family members house while they are away? Do you know anyone you could ask in confidence? That way you can say your going away and your dh can say he's having to work so staying put? Its not ideal perhaps but at least it woudl give you the time you need.

That said I must say if he's forces he has a psychatrist at the ready at any time and I would think his visits to such a person would still be in confidence - which leads me to think he really and truly do not want help.

I've got a dp who was in the forces for 23 years by the way and who suffers from PTSD (but he hasn't done anything ever to frighten me).