In thinking my dh orally raped me?

[MsZ]

I was giving my dh a bj last night. I wanted to just come up for a breather (as you do!) and he pushed my head back down. Not a big deal, normally just his way of saying no don't stop now i'm nearly there

However i really needed to stop for a second and tried to lift my head again, quite hard to make it clear i wanted to stop. He forcibly held it down and i tried again pushing even harder but he still held me down :(

I then threw up all over him.

I know what he's done, so really i don't know why i am asking. I'm just numb. We've been together 10 years and he has never done anything like this or disrespected me in this way. Why now? I don't want to speak to any of my friends i feel so ashamed that i let him do this to me and that i don't have the guts to leave.

He know's what hes done too. Ive had begging texts and emails off him all night saying how sorry he is and how he can't believe he violated me.

I guess i just needed to tell someone, anyone, to get it off my chest.

I agree with Weasleys. Rape is forcibly putting your penis in someone's vagina, mouth or anus. It's rape.

Not saying the marriage is definitely over, but i'm quite flabbergasted people are brushing this off.

He got caught in the moment? He was worried she wouldn't finish it? Seriously?

And btw, you will get a wide range of opinions here but just be aware that none of us know you or him personally. We don't know what your relationship is like otherwise and only have your side of the story to go on. So perhaps listen to each and every view and try to see some middle ground?

Some MNetters will tell you to throw him out, report it to the police and not rest until he is put on the sex offenders register. Others may say you should have just swallowed. Both are extremes - just be aware of this.

squeaky - I don't see how your post about what's normal is relevant. It doesn't describe the same situation as the OP at all.

Msz - is he out of the house now, still?

He said he just got carried away in the moment. It's not normal behaviour but our relationship hasn't been great in the last year as i found he was watching porn every night. He has stopped watching it completely as he realised he had a problem.

He went to find some counselling last wk and they are meant to be ringing him this wk to do an assessment. He knows he has issues. I'm just not sure how much i can tolerate. I know no one can answer that for me.

He says he would be happy to never have sex again as long as we stay together.

I think similarly to everyonesjealousofweasleys in is this just the start and it will be all downhill from here? Don't they all say sorry and the op forgives them, then it happens again and bang you are stuck in a dv cycle. How do i know giving him the benefit of the doubt because of our time together without abusive behaviour is the right thing to do?

Thanks for all the kind words.

He's at work at the moment. I guess he will come home later unless i indicate otherwise.

I thought porn would be implicated here

No excuses, though

I think this is relevant:

"he pushed my head back down. Not a big deal, normally just
his way of saying no don't stop now i'm nearly there."

Now, forceably pushing the op's head back down is of course wrong. However, it seems that this gesture has been used in the past to indicate that the dh doesn't want the op to stop (we've all been down the "don't stop" route haven't we? be that on our part or the part of a partner), and seemingly the op hasn't previously seen this as an issue.

I am reticent to say "oh, he got carried away, these things happen," because that sounds like a get-out clause and it really isn't and shouldn't be. However, I also think that in a ten year relationship where it seems there haven't been any previous incidents and the dh seems genuinely remorseful, we also shouldn't be quick to go down the route of branding him a rapest and start claiming this is just the beginning of a slippery slope downwards.

It seems highly likely to me that he did genuinely get carried away and is genuinely regretful and remorseful.

People make mistakes. Unfortunately, sometimes, people do get caught in the moment with horrible consequences. But that doesn't necessarily mean that the op and her dh need counselling or that he is a rapest just waiting to get out.

Op you need to talk to him and explain to him how you feel. He needs to realise the impact of what he has done and the potential damage he has caused your relationship. But equally he should be allowed to acknowledge that what he has done is wrong, and allowed to express regret while acknowledging that op is the wronged party...

good luck.

For all the porn apologisers, this is how it ruins relationships, right here

all abusers start somewhere....not all of them are abusive from the beginning of a relationship. time together means nothing

sorry to hear that OP.

It is why I hate porn, and think it's damaging.

And also why I hate BJs tbh

I'm sorry, but I don't think this sounds as if it's a remotely healthy relationship.

I find his suggestion that he'd be happy not to have sex ever again very strange - and passive aggressive. What happened last night, for a start, was not sex. It was rape.

But secondly, in a healthy relationship both people usually want sex. He is implying he is the only person whose sexual needs matter, and by saying that he will promise never to have sex again, he seems to be suggesting you would not want it if he did not. I'm sorry, I don't know you and I can't know what this is like, but that would make me very uncomfortable.

Have you got someone in RL who can be with you, MsZ? I am worried about you being all alone - you must be feeling shaky at the least.

I totally understand where you are coming from wannabe. However he has never forcibly held me there so i couldn't move away before. Its more a case of a gentle push back and then he leaves me be to either carry on if i'm ok with that or still stop for a second if i need to.

He must realise he went too far otherwise he wouldn't be so apologetic? He was the one that used the word violated and not me.

wannabe, no-one is suggesting he's a rapist 'waiting to get out'. They're observing that he is a rapist.

So sorry this happened to you.

Talk to him explain how it made you feel. He can't have felt good getting puked on.

So sorry this happened to you.

Talk to him explain how it made you feel. He can't have felt good getting puked on.

MsZ you must go with what you feel. You are married to a man who has issues with sex. Your last post puts it all into context and IMO makes it all the worse.

he needs to give you some space

what he has done is totally wrong, he knows the difference between gentle guiding you and forcing your head down and he choose to do that

he needs to work on building your trust up in him. by bombarding you with texts/emails he is not he is just desperately wanting you to forgive him.

i think i would him to give you some space and tell him that you are very upset and hurt by his actions, and do not let him justify what he did there is not justification he was wrong end of

I think you are overreacting.

If i was getting close to the 'Big O' and DH tried to stop/get away/stop thrusting w/e , i would probably grab him back and clamp him down too.

I dont think it was meant in a malicious way, he probably got lost in the moment.

Unless there are other issues in your relationship i wouldnt say its worth splitting over.

What happened straight after this?

Did you make him leave, or did you leave?

ITNK, it isn't getting blamed wholly on porn

But OP has said he has a real problem with an obvious addiction to porn, that had already been established before this regrettable and worrying incident

and most men are not "addicted to porn"

Its not about porn necessarily but the viewer.

A man who isn't misogynistic can't be desensitised to the feelings, rights and wishes of women by porn alone.

In the wrong hands, it can be permissive of very undesirable behaviour.

Can I say - I don't think this is the time to discuss porn (pro or anti).

The OP has just had an experience that's obviously upset and hurt her. I would imagine discussing porn will only bring up images that will make her feel worse and could give her flashbacks. Please, everyone, I understand why people want to have the debate but think we should leave it.

agreed, LRD

< holds hands up >

sorry, OP