In thinking my dh orally raped me?

[MsZ]

I was giving my dh a bj last night. I wanted to just come up for a breather (as you do!) and he pushed my head back down. Not a big deal, normally just his way of saying no don't stop now i'm nearly there

However i really needed to stop for a second and tried to lift my head again, quite hard to make it clear i wanted to stop. He forcibly held it down and i tried again pushing even harder but he still held me down :(

I then threw up all over him.

I know what he's done, so really i don't know why i am asking. I'm just numb. We've been together 10 years and he has never done anything like this or disrespected me in this way. Why now? I don't want to speak to any of my friends i feel so ashamed that i let him do this to me and that i don't have the guts to leave.

He know's what hes done too. Ive had begging texts and emails off him all night saying how sorry he is and how he can't believe he violated me.

I guess i just needed to tell someone, anyone, to get it off my chest.

Hi MsZ I'm really sorry this happened to you. What an awful situation.

I just wanted to know (Sorry if you have already answered this) Does he think what he has done was rape? You say he knows what he has "done" but has he actually accepted and said the word rape?

He said he violated me and also used the word assault, but not rape.

But many of us don't like to use the word rape....an Ex had sex with me when I was drowsy pissed and asleep, I came too mid flow. We never used the word rape either.

MsZ. Sorry if this is painful, but did he instantly regret apologise admit what he'd done?

I don't understand why MsZ's husband's terminology matters here?

He raped her. It is horrible, but it is not ambiguous. He may, it's true, shrink away from admitting that and he may regret it deeply - but I don't see why it's necessary to talk about his feelings and reactions just now.

I ask because when things "in the heat of the moment" you are unaware that what you are doing is wrong. There was no INTENT to harm the other person.

What worries me is that it seems at the time he knew he was violating you and his actions were wrong yet he still continued with it. That's really not ok.

I think you should really think about having some time apart here (and I never suggest this) but from what you have said I think he really does has issues. The abuse he has suffered, His affair, The porn addiction and now this. He needs to deal with these things himself. I'm not saying leave him forever. You do not need to think about anything so permanent right now. Alot can happen in 3 months and it may show him how seriously you have taken the whole situation.

It's very easy for us to all say "Leave him, he's a rapist". We are strangers. We have not spent the last 10 years and had three children with this man. We do not know how wonderful and loving he can be. But we do know what he has done is wrong and you must not convince yourself that it was right nor should you be ashamed you have done nothing wrong here. You need to be able to trust your husband. A relationship cannot work without trust. That goes for sex too.

There are lots of lovely women here who live with men in the forces as you can see (I can't for the live of me remember what the correct term for that is! even though i've read it a few times on this very thread!). You should maybe get some private message conversations going with them for all the information you need. It can be hard to take it all in with so many people posting at once. I also think you should be looking after yourself right now. It sounds like you've had it really hard for the past two years. Maybe take this time to get some counselling and help for what you have been through.

This is your decision and you must do what you think is right. Again I'm so sorry. :(

howling, I'd disagree that people in the heat of the moment don't know what they're doing (strongly), and of course, it's no excuse. But I think your post is saying so many true things. It's easy for us to be shocked but I can't begin to imagine how you are coping, MsZ. Like howling, I'm not usually of the 'leave him' brigade but I absolutely think you are doing the right thing.

LRD I agree with you but look at it from her perspective. It's so easy to shout "leave!" Right now I think she need to concentrate on accepting what happened. That's hard enough to deal with. Sometimes for a person to accept something they need to look at the reasons the other person could have done it (however much you want to to shout "It doesn't matter why, he still did it!")

One thing at a time.

x Post! Whoops (Learns to type faster!)

(May I just add that IMO heat of the moment or not. There is NEVER an excuse for what happened to OP. I think I was aiming my point at those who say it could have been.)

LRD. I think his immediate reaction is important. I am not sure the OP is wanting to leave/ split up her family. No matter what we think or what she thinks right now. And as time drifts by the urgency falters and emotions die down. I think in order to square this with herself how he responded straight away gives her a more accurate ;picture of what was going through his mind. Reading this I am in no doubt that she's been raped, and do not believe in this mythical 'heat of the moment' thing. Our memories can be kind/unkind.

Crapola, so if he didn't think it was rape it was ok, no matter what she thought?

I'm perhaps missing something (long day) but as he raped her, what does it matter what was going through his mind? I mean, who knows/cares? It's what he did that counts.

Because this is her husband of ten years. I think the "Whys" would be very important to me. For her sake not his.

No...that's not what I am saying or meaning.

I am trying to put myself in the OP's shoes.

If my DH did this his first response would be vital. I would want to make things clear in my own mind of how he acted, so that when everything died down and I was rather more fuzzy with my memory and thinking I had made a big fuss about something that was 'a misunderstanding' where my DH 'had got carried away' I would like to have a clear idea about exactly what had happened.

howling, crapola, I'm not shouting 'leave'.

My concern is that with this topic, as with the earlier bit of the thread where posters got sidetracked onto how they would have reacted, MsZ might feel we're encouraging her to think these things have a bearing on how she should feel - and imo, they don't. There are no limits on how she 'should' feel ... that's just what I'm getting at. 'Why' may be important to her right now, or she may feel she doesn't want to re-live it. I'm just putting my view forward because I would not want to think about his view right now, if it were me.

I am not saying that it was a misunderstanding, just how I might see it when the shock and dismay had faded.

I really hate that, again, I am being misrepresented. LRD... I have not said that you have. And I do try in these sorts of threads to address the OP unless I am brought in by someone else.

I believe I am asking her to think about these things now because if she waits to think about all this then her initial reaction will be diminished for the sake of her 'family'.

I didn't say you had said it, either, crapola.

I see what you're saying about thinking these things through now ... it is difficult, I can see both sides and ultimately it is just for MsZ to decide.

I know that I'm a little unclear....it makes sense in my head!.

MsZ I hope that you have called someone that you can talk this through with, rape crisis?

Sorry LRD I wrote that before I saw your last post. I can see you aren't shouting "leave" :)

Oh, don't apologize.

We are all just trying to say the right thing in a bad situation.

I agree LRD

Hope you are doing ok OP. Sorry for talking about you like you were not here (reading).