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Original poster

In thinking my dh orally raped me?

301 replies

MsZ · 12/07/2011 09:52

I was giving my dh a bj last night. I wanted to just come up for a breather (as you do!) and he pushed my head back down. Not a big deal, normally just his way of saying no don't stop now i'm nearly there

However i really needed to stop for a second and tried to lift my head again, quite hard to make it clear i wanted to stop. He forcibly held it down and i tried again pushing even harder but he still held me down :(

I then threw up all over him.

I know what he's done, so really i don't know why i am asking. I'm just numb. We've been together 10 years and he has never done anything like this or disrespected me in this way. Why now? I don't want to speak to any of my friends i feel so ashamed that i let him do this to me and that i don't have the guts to leave.

He know's what hes done too. Ive had begging texts and emails off him all night saying how sorry he is and how he can't believe he violated me.

I guess i just needed to tell someone, anyone, to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
TheRhubarb · 12/07/2011 10:43

SHH. I once read a remarkable piece written by a women who had been raped. She often went through the experience in her head and wondered why she didn't put up more of a fight, but she says that what went through her head was disbelief that it was happening to her, shock and complete and utter fear.

Now I could brag about how no-one would ever take advantage of me because I'd shove his balls so hard inside him he'd be spitting them out, but if I ever was violated the truth is that I don't know how I'd react. No-one does. Some women have fought back and others have frozen.

swallowedAfly · 12/07/2011 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LRDTheFeministNutcase · 12/07/2011 10:44

I have not been in this situation. I have been in similar ones. I freeze. That is my 'instinct'.

Ok with you? Or is that somehow a demonstration that I somehow feel rape is more acceptable to me than it is to you who fight? Do tell.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/07/2011 10:44

I get so irritated with threads like this. Why is it necessary to say anything more to the OP than 'sorry you're feeling crap' or somesuch variation? Why the need to refer to other posters as 'idiots' or 'stupid' because they make comments you don't agree with?

Nobody on this thread has been disrespectful of the OP. She's in 'shock' and upset and I can't see what's positive about analysing the few lines of her situation that you know about and filling in the blanks with your own personal crusades and 'group views'.

If I came here for advice or support (and I wouldn't), I'd hate this 'turning on others' argumentative crap that some seem to live for.

MistressFrankly · 12/07/2011 10:45

SHH are you really asking why she didnt react well and fend him off? OP was in shock a man who she has had a 10 yr relationship with did something to make her feel so disrespected. After that long of a normal sex life if would kinda take you by suprise.

Massively stupid and insensitive thing to say.

SortingHardHat · 12/07/2011 10:46

Seriously it's not an assumption on my part. My jaw locks shut. If he doesn't let me have a breather he will suffer as a result of my jaw locking.

I think you're misunderstanding what i'm saying and going completely ott on this.

LRDTheFeministNutcase · 12/07/2011 10:46

MsZ, if he's leaving now will he go somewhere else tonight? ANd have you told him?

FreudianSlipper · 12/07/2011 10:46

you do not know how you would act, you know how you would hope to act or may have in the past if a similar thing has happened to you but not how you might do in another instance. it seems there is a lot more going on in this relationship

op maybe you need some counselling too, his actions have hurt you too (not talking about this incident)

Sn0wflake · 12/07/2011 10:46

I think it's perfectly OK to have a breather from each other and really consider what you want. This is very serious and you don't have to have him back after this. It is up to you.

I don't think getting carried away is an excuse....not at all.

amverytired · 12/07/2011 10:46

I think the 'fighting back' discussion is tasteless and offensive in the context of this thread - please leave it for some other time.

Hullygully · 12/07/2011 10:46

Don't be silly, lrd.

Don't try and turn it into something it's not. Why do you want to have a row about rape scenarios?

CrapolaDeVille · 12/07/2011 10:47

Sorting...... Can I be so bold as to answer the question.

Biting/punching her husband would raise the situation to a more serious one. The OP couldn't believe her H was doing this. We've all been in a situation where after the fact we know what we should have said or done. But if we had we would leave no room for the situation to have been a mistake.

Just imagine your DH did that to you tonight, do you honestly think you would bite his penis?

SortingHardHat · 12/07/2011 10:48

All the more reason to react imo. Sorry I am so abnormal by mumsnet standards. If, after 10 years, my DP suddenly started doing things like this I would kick off. No ifs ands or buts about it. Unless it's something we'd discussed previously then hell yes I'd kick off.

I completely and utterly feel for the OP. It's not only the rape aspect that will be cutting her up it's the violation of her trust, and it's the potential ending of a 10 year relationship the impact of this on her life it's not just a rape. It's the whole aftermath that she now has to deal with. For that my heart truly goes out to her.

TheRhubarb · 12/07/2011 10:49

MsZ

You said "I don't know where my tipping point is :/ Why can't i just say this is enough and walk away."

That answers my question that was probably missed earlier. Tell me if I am wrong but I think that you feel trapped in this relationship. You feel guilty that he was abused as a child and you believe his promises of starting again because it's far easier to do that than to have to go through the pain of leaving him and starting again with 3 children.

However do you think it is fair on your children to be in a relationship you are not happy with? What does that teach them about relationships, trust and respect? Your dh has violated your trust and respect 3 times now. First with the cheating, then the porn addiction and now this. He is obviously pretty confident that you will not leave him.

You are right in that he should be the one to go. I'm not saying leave him for good, but you need to question what you really get out of this relationship and if it is worth saving of if it would be better for you both if you moved on and started afresh.

Best of luck.

Hufflepuzzpig · 12/07/2011 10:49

Stay strong msz xx

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/07/2011 10:49

"Some 'one-offs' are so big, they kind of eclipse everything." Very well put, Allinabinbag.

But although the precise incident is a one-off/first, it's not truly isolated; it seems instead to be the latest piece of track the runaway train has passed over.

  • So far OP's marriage has been subjected to:
  • Husband's adultery (last year)
  • Revelation of sexual abuse and bulling in husband's childhood (alleged)
  • Porn addiction of husband (unknown length of time)
  • Attempt to cold-turkey from porn addiction (alleged)
  • Husband seeking counselling (last week), but not actually started yet
  • Oral rape (last night)
  • "He says he would be happy to never have sex again as long as we stay together." That almost sounds to me as if he doesn't trust himself.

And OP is on the receiving end of all this. Sad

Maybe he does have childhood issues coming up and derailing him. Maybe all this appalling behaviour on his part can stem from this. Maybe it can be fixed. I don't know. But it does look to me as if his behaviour is escalating, and now would be a good time to interrupt the escalation and seek professional help. MsZ, I think it would be a good idea for your husband to move out for a bit and put some distance between you both. I think you need to feel secure, and that you won't if he is there. The suggestion might make him panic, but if he is truly repentant, he will see the need for it.

Morloth · 12/07/2011 10:49

That is so awful MsZ, when I visualise what you have you have described it is just so distressing for someone who claims to love you to do that to you.

I have no advice really but just wanted to emphasise and say that you are not wrong and you are not to blame, what he did was rape you absolutely.

We play rough here, we both like it but DH would never in a million years continue with something once I had indicated I wanted to stop, and if he did he wouldn't be the person I think he is, so he would no longer be my husband.

Hullygully · 12/07/2011 10:49

The op was asked. She answered and was thanked. the end. There is no need to go on about it with your views of whether or not she should be asked and your extrapolated assumptions. It's her thread, not a general discussion thread.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/07/2011 10:50

SortingHardHat please could you take your confusion elsewhere as I don't see how it is helping the OP at all. It is the OP's feeling that matter at the moment not your speculation about what you would do if you were in an equally horrible situation.

You may not intend it but your posts are coming across as implying that you think the OP should have done more to get out of the situation and therefore is some way culpable for not fighting enough. That is disgraceful and you should be ashamed of what you are doing.

People react differently in stressful and dangerous situations some people fight, some people go numb. If you are in a situation where someone who is normally "safe" suddenly behaves in an unexpectedly aggressive or abusive manner I can see why the OP might have been caught by surprise and not been able to react in the fiesty manner you suggest.

SortingHardHat · 12/07/2011 10:50

crapola yes i would because as i've already said my jaw locks if i'm not allowed a breather. It's a biological reaction for me. He really truly would have his knob bitten. To what extent i couldn't say thankfully it's never happened but chances are it would be with significant force.

Original poster
MsZ · 12/07/2011 10:50

He wasn't a cheating porn addicted partner for the first 8 years. He was a perfect husband. Hence why i'm confused as to how the hell i've ended up here, now.

I guess its hard for me to let go because i know what a great person he can be and i know how its eating him up inside that he's turned into the person he has over the last couple of years.

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 12/07/2011 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LRDTheFeministNutcase · 12/07/2011 10:51

MsZ - I can see why it is hard for you, but you know this is not your fault, not something 'you've' ended up with but something he has done?

hully, I don't. Re-read my posts.

Bast · 12/07/2011 10:52

MsZ, you can't survive on memories.

No matter how good it was, it isn't any more.

If you can't leave, make him.

FreudianSlipper · 12/07/2011 10:53

op really some counselling will help you hopefully see what has been going wrong in the last few years, maybe the pattern started much earlier maybe it didn't but you do some confused as to why it has all gone wrong (naturally) sometimes though when our hear is clearer we see things very differently

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