In thinking my dh orally raped me?

[MsZ]

I was giving my dh a bj last night. I wanted to just come up for a breather (as you do!) and he pushed my head back down. Not a big deal, normally just his way of saying no don't stop now i'm nearly there

However i really needed to stop for a second and tried to lift my head again, quite hard to make it clear i wanted to stop. He forcibly held it down and i tried again pushing even harder but he still held me down :(

I then threw up all over him.

I know what he's done, so really i don't know why i am asking. I'm just numb. We've been together 10 years and he has never done anything like this or disrespected me in this way. Why now? I don't want to speak to any of my friends i feel so ashamed that i let him do this to me and that i don't have the guts to leave.

He know's what hes done too. Ive had begging texts and emails off him all night saying how sorry he is and how he can't believe he violated me.

I guess i just needed to tell someone, anyone, to get it off my chest.

I think bast is right.

lrd - I did. But I won't comment further as it needs leaving.

OP - I feel so awful for you, you poor thing. I hope you have somebody you can confide in although I can see how it would be hard to speak to somebody about it. You were not in the wrong, you didn't let him do this to you, you shouldn't have to try three times to get up. And I can completely see how you were in shock at the time, so can everyone please stop going off on a tangent about how OP reacted, it's nothing to do with her reaction.

Obviously it is down to you whether you stay but your recent posts show it's not a one off and there are serious issues about your relationship. I guess I think I'd wonder how I could actually stay with him and trust him after he violated you, after he cheated on you and also has known issues. The thing about him saying he would stay with you and not every have sex again is really worrying to me because it makes me thing he will say anything to keep you but is not actually thinking about what he did or what a real relationship is.

Good luck OP, we are all here for you. But I plead you to find somebody to talk to, even go to your GP if you are not sure who else, you need somebody physical there for you right now.

I agree with bast here.

If you can't leave (and why should you, you're the wronged party here) he needs to. If he is genuinely that remorseful ask him to do this one last favour and pack his bags and fuck off.

MsZ. He has issues that HE needs to sort out.
You are NOT his mother.

People change and for whatever reason, perhaps he felt bored, he has changed for the worse. That is not your fault, you were busy raising his 3 children and being the best wife and mother you could. He obviously didn't think this good enough so he's turned into a bastard.

He either gets his act together or you can your love to someone who really does deserve it.
This isn't about you. This is about him and his issues and attitude. He has a huge problem that he hasn't started dealing with yet and you, rather than telling us what you are going to do have started to defend him a little bit.

Read this thread through and really think about your replies. I can see that you are not an action person, but in this instance you need to gather up all your reserves and take action. Because he won't.

I so agree with LyingWitchInTheWardrobe @ post 10:44:51

Hello. We're moving this thread to Relationships - we think that's a better place for it.

OP I think you should call rape crisis or someone to accept and talk through what has happened.

MsZ, why do you think he has changed? Do you have any ideas?

Lyingwitch i do see what you mean but i think posters such as myself are suprised by peoples comments and respond to the thread before we think of the OP.

Sorry OP - all i can advise is keeping him away till you can think rationally about how you feel. If you feel that this is too much for you there is help out there. As posters have said you some RL help - do you have a friend/family member you could talk this out with? If not seek help from womens aid or something similar.

MsZ, I'm going out but I wanted to say, I'm thinking of you. Take care of yourself and remember: you're shocked, it's scary, but you are in the right and there are plenty of people here and on rape crisis helpline who will listen if you need them.

Remembering the 'good times' does nothing but fuel false hope and tie us to daily horror by sheer and futile optimism alone.

Remember the bad times. Recall every single shitty thing he has done, recall every false apology and failed promise of change, realise he isn't getting any better but is enacting new and awful behaviour.

What next? Are you really going to jeopardise yourself any further, in full awareness?

I think you hit the nail on the head rhubarb. Logistically it would be a nightmare to leave and have a huge impact on the kids as it would mean moving, childcare (i'm a sahm currently) and changing schools/moving from friends plus a relationship breakdown for them to deal with. I know lots of kids go through it, and they are fine. I just can't bring myself to do it right now this moment. It seems so hard and i know how pathetic it sounds. I think i'm just waiting until my head is in the right place to think right this is it now and just go without constantly doubting myself or deluding myself in thinking that things could possibly go back to how they were before all this.

My sisters husband showed his true colours after being the perfect husband for years. What I am trying to say is are you sure this is the person he has become or the person he has been adept at hiding?

yes it is rape.

You don't sound pathetic at all.

It's a huge thing - no wonder you are needing to take it a step at a time.

I second finding a good friend to talk to.

MsZ you haven't mentioned friends or family close by. But I do think you need to talk this over with people who know both of you and are therefore in a better place to advise. We don't know either of you so all we have to go on are your posts.

Your replies do worry me however. I can see a similar scenario being posted about in another year unless you do something about it.

If he has friends he can stay with then he should leave.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It is so hard to believe that your man can do such a thing to you, no matter how much they apologise afterwards. I was going to write run away, as you have been very patient with him. Now I see you have children, and that makes it more tricky for you to go away. maybe he can stay away for at least a few days for you to get a chance to think?
It's one hundred percent not you who have done anything to deserve this.

It is very hard, I went through something similar, and in the end I stayed for the children.(after having left for two weeks)
It took a very long time to rebuild trust. please look after yourself first! he will have to sort out his own issues.

why one doesn't fight back? disbelief, fear, badgering, emotional blackmail. the list is long.

I'm sorry this happened OP. You are definitely not over-reacting :(

I agree with those saying you don't know how you'd react until you're in the situation. Something happened to me a while ago, a situation where if you'd asked me before I would have said I'd fight back - I'd trained in martial arts and in theory knew what to do, and felt pretty confident in my ability to look after myself. But I didn't. I just froze, I think it was a case of shock and being unprepared and not entirely sure what was happening for the first few seconds. I didn't even feel anger, just confusion and fear.

I still feel ashamed and angry with myself for not doing better, and it's hard to read all the bragging on these threads about what people would supposedly do. Though I suspect most of you would do no such thing.

MsZ you need a bit of time to gather your thoughts.

I would ask him to stay elsewhere tonight. You need to be able to think for yourself without him apologising this away before you can decide how to deal with it.

I am sorry that this happened to you. I also think you should ignore all the discussion regarding your response. None of us were there.

BAST, you really are being very judgmental here and also trying to force the OP to leave her husband.

She has had 8 years, (and 3 children during them), of good times... but no, you tell her she should only remember the last 2 years. Not very helpful is it.

Recall every single shitty thing he has done, recall every false apology and failed promise of change, realise he isn't getting any better but is enacting new and awful behaviour.

Yep, great way to rebuild a relationship... not.

MsZ: very, very sorry you have been subjected to this. I'm not any kind of expert, but wanted to say that you have every right to be deeply, deeply upset. You are not over-reacting. He raped you on top of what sounds like a hideous year. It sounds to me like what you need is lots of space at the moment so please ask him to stay away for a while. The issues you describe sound pretty complex, and I think it would be a good idea to talk them all through with a neutral third party, someone who can help you detangle all of what's happened.

Do whatever you need to do make yourself feel safe and as calm as possible and keep posting is it helps (and if you can ignore the posters who seem to think this is all about them).

MsZ

Ending this will never feel absolutely right. You will always have doubt. You are a victim of abuse. This is how you have been conditioned.

You will only know it's right when you are free. At that point, you will be more sure of this than anything you could ever have imagined.

MsZ

Do not leave. He should leave. You don't have to say that it is forever, but that you need a breather and you'd like him to move out for a while. If he's so apologetic he'll accept that.

Next you need to find someone to confide in who can offer support.

Only when you are both apart can you think with a clear head. If he is around then his very presence will cloud your judgement. For that reason alone he really does need to leave for a while.

You have been under his influence for so long now that you can't imagine what life is like without him. But this man is not the one you married.

I'm afraid that unless he starts taking drastic action to change his ways, you cannot help him. He has chosen to throw away a great life and you may never get to the bottom of that, but neither can you change it by yourself. It's like trying to persuade a smoker to quit. You can't do that, they have to want to quit, otherwise you'll find them having a sneaky fag in the garden shed. You can't change someone.

Opinionatedplussprogs. I don't know but i have asked myself the same question.

I'm really not that bothered by those that say they would have reacted differently. I'm well aware of how easy it is to think you would react a certain way only to find when it comes down to it, you don't react that way at all. I never thought i would stay with a man who cheated yet i did. I learnt in my own time its not always as easy as it sounds to react a certain way.

Again thanks for all the kind words and advice.

msz, would you consider going to the police?