In thinking my dh orally raped me?

[MsZ]

I was giving my dh a bj last night. I wanted to just come up for a breather (as you do!) and he pushed my head back down. Not a big deal, normally just his way of saying no don't stop now i'm nearly there

However i really needed to stop for a second and tried to lift my head again, quite hard to make it clear i wanted to stop. He forcibly held it down and i tried again pushing even harder but he still held me down :(

I then threw up all over him.

I know what he's done, so really i don't know why i am asking. I'm just numb. We've been together 10 years and he has never done anything like this or disrespected me in this way. Why now? I don't want to speak to any of my friends i feel so ashamed that i let him do this to me and that i don't have the guts to leave.

He know's what hes done too. Ive had begging texts and emails off him all night saying how sorry he is and how he can't believe he violated me.

I guess i just needed to tell someone, anyone, to get it off my chest.

I'm sorry, I don't think this is a 'carried away' moment. A carried away moment would be if he pushed hard as she was coming up, harder than he intended and she was then sick. The OP makes it clear he held her there, struggling and pushing up, until she was sick. Quite different, if anyone held me forcibly against their will, I would never never be able to tolerate that. Being shoved harder than intended I could understand even if I was upset.

so sorry this has happened to you.

personally i think you should report him to the police, so he realised how serious this is.

i doubt you will ever trust him again afetr this

so sorry

be strong

Yes, please can we not get into a discussion of how much force is needed/how you would have reacted. I get why people are posting their thoughts but I imagine it is upsetting for the OP to read graphic reconstructions.

No i'm not anyfucker i'm being impartial on this. He forced her down, yes, she did not consent to this, ergo it is rape. I'm simply confused as to why she did nothing beyond pushing her head against his hand to stop it. Personally i would have bitten him or grabbed his bollocks and hurt him to get out of it if i felt THAT compromised.

rhubarb to me you're strange, to others you will be a hero for that. But you should only do what you are comfortable in doing.

I am wondering why the OP has stayed with him until now? What do you get out of the relationship MsZ and why did you take the decision to stick with him through the cheating and porn addiction?

If my dh did that to me and my hands weren't subdued, I would batter his stomach etc until he released me. As you were trying to indicate you wanted a "breather" op, why didn't you bash him?

This is NOT a criticism/judgment/anything except bafflement on my part.

AF - yes, agree, I'm just worried about graphic descriptions on this thread.

But I shall shut up now, I may be getting things wrong and MsZ, say so if I am overstepping.

SHH, you may be a feisty piece,, but not every woman would react to violence by being violent back

not every relationship could withstand such escalation, tbh

I imagine OP felt frozen, disbelieving and quite possibly in fear of how far he would go to get his orgasm

LRD I understand however, I'd like to say I based my posts in first hand experience of a porn-addicted-sexual-abuser-(X)H. You aren't alone, MsZ.

Two words - leave him.

No childhood issues provide excuse or reason to abuse. If he hasn't recovered from his childhood and his childhood is seen as the basis of his current abusive behaviour, he should not be in a relationship.

I agree Rhubs, bjs so boring and jaw-aching.

Because not everybody is violent like that SortingHardHat. He was and she wasn't.

because when you are in fear or shock you do not always act rationally

you have totally dismissed the op's feelings and you are unable to show any empathy ffs you are just being nasty

anyfucker trust me my relationship would not withstand any form of rape which is why I would bite, batter, grab whatever to get out of it. I would assume hullygully feels similar going by her similarly baffled grasp on the matter.

I don't know hullygully. Just pure shock i guess as i couldn't believe it was happening. I was layed across his lap so not in a great position to use my hands to batter him plus i was using my arms to try and push my head up isywim.

I have no idea what to do now. I might ask him to stay away for a bit longer i'm not sure. It's very easy for me to leave with 3 lo's in tow but its possible for him to stay somewhere else for a while.

The issues haven't manifested before but i think they've been festering for a long time but he just bottles things up and doesn't talk.

I don't know where my tipping point is :/ Why can't i just say this is enough and walk away.

lrd, you are very kind to try and protect the op

we know how these threads often go, unfortunately

people start to argue amongst themselves, and the OP is forgotten about

I meant not very easy for me to leave, as in it would be a squeeze at anyone elses house and i have the easier option of him leaving for now.

SHH yes strange is one of those words that has been used towards me before now, mainly on Mumsnet!

I just don't do it. Not that this type of discussion belongs on this thread. But I would find it humiliating and disgusting and so I've simply decided not to do it. My dh doesn't care, we have a good sex life in other respects. I've never understood the attraction of bj's for women, it puts them in such a vulnerable position. Perhaps also because bjs form a large part of the porn industry I view it as distasteful and just another excuse to have women pleasuring men.

freudian i am not being nasty, i am confused. There are ways out of situations. Sorry but if someone was THAT violent and abusive towards me I would try my damndest to get out of it.

My heart is completely with the OP I can't even begin to imagine how she is feeling right now I just am confused.

Freudian, I don't think it's nasty. The op hasn't said she felt fear or that it was an oppressive and violent r'ship so far. Her op says she was giving him a bj, as you do, and for the first time the force thing happened. It's not unreasonable to wonder why she didn't react more strongly thatn lifting her head. Wondering does not = criticism/judgment.

An unfaithful, porn using rapist.

Hasn't been a great 10 years really, has it?

Not sure why people think being with a shit man for a long time means you should allow him to treat you like shit just to keep a "marriage" together.

There are better men. And there is a better life without an abusive cheat in your home.

SHH, are you aware that in amny cases of sexual assault, the common default reaction is for the woman to not react at all, to be too frozen/fearful to "fight back" like a hissing, spitting dervish

kudos for you in saying how you think you would react, I would argue that might be very different were you actually in the situation described here

Thanks for answering, op.

Pore ol you.

He is an arse.

Wow OP it sounds as though this is the final straw for you. I think, tbh, you have to really consider what message you send to both yourself and husband if you stay. Whilst this may not be enough to break a marriage I wonder if, given the other issues, whether or not you can afford to forgive him and still keep your dignity.

I would probably forgive (thinking about not being a hypocrite) but I say that with the weight of shame.

rhubarb fair enough to me it's about showing how much I trust and love my partner because, as you say, it puts you such a position of vunerability.

IMO the above is why i personally would be violent against violence in this situation. It's a gross violation of trust. It's a gross violation of respect. It's a total disregard of how vunerable the OP was.

Kick him to the kerb.