In thinking my dh orally raped me?

[MsZ]

I was giving my dh a bj last night. I wanted to just come up for a breather (as you do!) and he pushed my head back down. Not a big deal, normally just his way of saying no don't stop now i'm nearly there

However i really needed to stop for a second and tried to lift my head again, quite hard to make it clear i wanted to stop. He forcibly held it down and i tried again pushing even harder but he still held me down :(

I then threw up all over him.

I know what he's done, so really i don't know why i am asking. I'm just numb. We've been together 10 years and he has never done anything like this or disrespected me in this way. Why now? I don't want to speak to any of my friends i feel so ashamed that i let him do this to me and that i don't have the guts to leave.

He know's what hes done too. Ive had begging texts and emails off him all night saying how sorry he is and how he can't believe he violated me.

I guess i just needed to tell someone, anyone, to get it off my chest.

Ok, so before this incident he had already sought help to conquer his porn addiction?

Tbh him watching porn all the time would probably have forced me out of that relationship a long time ago so well done for not giving up on him, he is one very lucky man and you need to make him realise that. Print off this thread and show him how other women would have acted, including the ones saying you should report him to the police.

You have put up with a lot and you should never ever have to put up with that.

Is there a friend you could stay with just whilst you sort this out? You obviously need to have a chat with him and tell him how his addiction to porn has made you feel and how frightened you were when he refused to let you come up for air.

Then you need to start putting conditions on this relationship. The good news is that he has already taken steps to get his life back on track and he needs to know that if this doesn't work, there are no second chances because he's already on his second chance. Stay with a friend for a while and insist that he call and make that appointment - is there any chance you could go with him?

Once you've both had a breather and the counselling sessions are going well you can consider moving back in with him and take things slowly from there. But you need to make it very clear to both yourself and him, that if he ever steps over the line again you will walk away for good. And you need to be certain that you will go through with that. You are not responsible for his mental health or his addictions and if he can't tackle this head on, then with the best will in the world, no-one can help him.

That is just vile.

I could't get past that, personally.

Why on earth didn't you batter him before the vomit point? Were your hands not free?

I asked him to leave. As soon as we finished he said i'm sorry i think i got a bit carried away and i said yes you did and went upstairs. He came up and i asked him to go for the night.

He was seeking counselling because he cheated on me last year, he has issues from his childhood that have never been dealt with (sexual abuse and bullying) and yes the porn addiction.

hully, she shouldn't have to 'batter' him to show she doesn't want her head forced down.

I'm sorry this happened to you, I've played it out in my own head and personally I could not get past that. Always, always, you have to be able to get out of what you are doing (for me anyway) and the idea my husband would hold me down is horrific. Surely even in consensual aggressive sex you have to have a way to get out if you want?

Some 'one-offs' are so big, they kind of eclipse everything. That is how it would be for me.

I knew he would have been into porn.

He needs to own what he did to you and none of this 'got caught in the moment' bull.

I dont really see that you have any chance of getting through this if he minimises what happened by lying about his intentions at that moment.

If I were you, I would phone w/a.
They wont come round to your house and force you to leave, but I do think you do need to speak to somone about what happened.
It cant do any harm.

xx

LRD - no, of course not! I just wonder why instinct didn't kick in.

I agree with wannaBe on this. It sounds like he's done a normal "woah don't stop i'm nearly done" but was a bit more forceful than he intended to be.

Remaining impartial and removing emotion from this i think it's a bit strong to say he raped her given how remorseful and apologetic he is it sounds like a genuine accident. I know if DP did it to me he'd be the one to suffer the consequences as if i need a break it's because my jaw is about to lock shut :o

Erm yes, this is the luckiest man on the planet

Love, what is your tipping point ?

A porn addiction, cheating and now a sexual assault

Good God

Childhood issues, are crap, but as an excuse for all this ?

no

MsZ do you have any idea what you will do now? Is the plan to ask him to stay away tonight, or longer, or permanently? (Don't answer if you don't want to, just trying to be here if you want to talk it through.)

yes lrd they are. By saying this is just the beginning/this is how abuse starts/this is just the first time... etc. No-one can possibly know that. No-one is disputing that what this man did was wrong. but it is still entirely possible that he got carried away, on the verge of climax and acted out of character and now regrets it.

The issue is where the op goes with this. Because in truth there is no right or wrong answer. If she feels this is a deal-breaker for her then she should walk away and that would be entirely her perogative. However equally if the op feels that her dh made a mistake, genuinely regrets it and feels they can work through it then no-one should put doubt in her head for deciding to stick with her marriage.

LDR, with respect, MsZ asked 'why now?'

Several of us suggested porn.

hully - different instincts for different people? It sounds as if the OP made herself quite clear that she didn't want it - takes a lot of force to do what is described.

Oh OP, now more info is coming out.

So this man has cheated on you in the past.
He has been addicted to porn.
He forced your head down not only scaring the shit out of you but violating you.

I sympathise that he has issues with regards to his childhood, but then so do a lot of people and they don't all turn out to be cheating, violating bastards. Don't let him use his childhood as an excuse. Maturity is when you learn to stop blaming your current actions on your past.

I really do think you should go and stay with a friend and really think about what this man has to offer you. You must love him very much to have stayed with him so far. If it were me, I would have left him after the cheating. But you are not me and only you can decide what to do.

Do you have confidence issues that prevent you from leaving? Do you feel you are incapable of finding anyone else? Or do you feel that you would be abandoning him if you left? Perhaps you would benefit from counselling too and a bloody good friend to talk to.

Have no advice, but so sorry you are going through this.

so her feelings are invalid and the op is being a bit ott ffs women are not there to jsut satisfy a man no matter how uncomfortable it is for them

i am sure many men have been full of remorse after raping their wife/partner but that does not take away what they have done, it does not stop their victim from feeling violated adn it does not take away the fact that they felt it was ok to do that in the throws of passion

lrd it really doesn't take that much force. He's pushing down she's pushing up, he just needs to push slightly more than usual and bing he's 'forcing' her down. Unless i'm un-naturally feeble.

wannabe - I'm not disputing he may have acted out of character or got carried away - but that doesn't make this less rape, does it?

bast, yes, I do see. It just seems a whole pro/anti argument might be better done off-thread (but I'm sure MsZ will correct me if need be). I am just worried about how she may be feeling reading these posts.

I really hope you are okay OP and I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Once again I am amazed at the rape apologists on here, this is not acceptable, and should not be just be ignored. He raped her, doesnt' matter that they are together or having consensual sex to begin with, he raped her!

Please take some time to think this through, do what YOU want and get as much support as you can!

Am I the only one who has never and would never give a bloke a bj?

What i dont get is if he held her with that much force why she didn't bite him or use her hands and grab his balls or similar.

SHH, are you telling the OP that she is mistaken in describing herself as being forced ?

because that would be a spectacularly shit thing to do

lrd, I agree that a general pro/anti porn row on this thread would be inappropriate

but as to how this man's porn addiction may have contributed to the sexual assault on his wife, I think it belongs here