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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had meeting with DV woman today.

346 replies

Lemmingswife · 25/11/2005 17:16

Met up with her at my HV's house.
Session was tough & I had to go through everything that went on at home.
DV officer was shocked & terms it as serious emotional abuse.
Told me a little about my rights regarding the house & has advised me to make photocopies of all personal stuff, like childrens birth certificates, mortgage details, marraige certificate etc.
HV is really starting to get other bits moving.
Very scary.

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 04/12/2005 00:10

It's hardly surprising that he sees the relationship problems as your fault, as everything else gets blamed on you too. It's ridiculously simplistic of him to think that you spending time on the computer is the case of your problems. Did he accept no part in it himself at all? Did he say how he feels about things being on the brink? Did you discuss possible solutions? How do you feel after your talk?

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 04/12/2005 00:44

He said that he has had the letter about his couselling & that it starts next month.
He said he is looking forward to it & is going to tell them about me spending time on here.
He said he gives our marraige a 2 out of 10 chance!
I told him that much as he has calmed the smashing & crashing side of things down, he still scared me. He asked for an example & I gave him the example of when he was scouring every room when DS1 was ill, looking for the slightest mark.
He said it was because I couldn't see things & needed my eyes doing again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 04/12/2005 00:45

Feel very bitter after the talk.

OP posts:
gggimmesnowsnow · 04/12/2005 10:44

Of course he is going to blame it on you. Look at his current behaviour as a means of justifying your decision - it would be far harder to leave him if he was being nice...

Take a deep breath and take it one step at a time - don't look too far ahead. Take care of yourself.

Blu · 04/12/2005 11:01

So...he blames you for the fact that he is FORCED to terrorise you by scouring the house for invisible marks because you need your eyes testing, but it doesn't occur to him for one moment that he might be 'to blame' for you spending any time on MN getting some support and light entertainment. A typical view in which all blame always attaches to you, and all self-righteous justification resides with him. Take no notice. You can't even have an in-depth conversation about your marriage without him turning it into yet another opportunity to have a go at you. Most people if realy trying to improve a relationship at least listen to their partners and see what they might be able to do to improve things. All your H does is point out how brilliant he is and how it is all your fault. Whic, of course, is as far from the truth as you could get.

I don't think he will get very far at his counselling by bleating on about how it is all your fault - LOL but he doesn't realise that yet - he doubtless thinks the whole thing will be in his support and how he can learn to cope with such an incompetent woman - LOL he has such a shock coming to him!!

No, you are not the woamn he married - you are a lot clearer about some very important things - and all credit to you for that.

just focus on yourself and your needs, and let him tantrum around in the background, water off a ducks back, as far as you possibly can.

XXX

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 04/12/2005 12:48

Yes he did totally blame me & for a moment last night I was blaming myself too.
He is very good at turning the tables & making me believe that I am in the wrong.
I was thinking about all this in bed early this morning & feel that maybe he knows that I am unhappy in the marraige & almost wants to turn it around to be him that is the unhappy one & my fault for any failures in the marraige. He would hate it for me to be the one to end the marraige, so kind of wants to get there first.
I could be wrong, but I strongly suspect this is his thinking.

OP posts:
Blu · 04/12/2005 14:32

Sounds as if you could be on the right track, LW. Keeping control of the process, as usual, and maybe it could be quite convenient, in the end. But remember, every time he makes you think, even for a nanosecond, that it is your fault, listen for the Voice of Mumsnet in the background saying 'you know it is not your fault', and echoing your own words back at you "he's very good at turning the tables".

Is he taking any interest in Christmas Shopping for the DS's?

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 04/12/2005 14:49

I always listen for the voice of mumsnet!
No, H hasn't taken any interest in the boy's Christmas presents - or Christmas in general TBH.
I have bought both the boy's presents (not got any further than that!) & paid for them with my money, as usual.
He asked me this morning if we were going to have a good Christmas.
Got to take DS1 to a party now. Am hoping he doesn't cling to me, as I want to escape!

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 04/12/2005 18:43

are you going to bother buying H any pressies?
you keep being strong hun x

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 04/12/2005 18:51

I haven't bought him anything yet, but probably will eventually. Can't get my head into gear for Christmas properly ATM.
It is also H's birthday 4 days before Christmas.

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 04/12/2005 19:01

Just try to focus on where you were last Christmas, when you started your first thread. This year, one year on, you have made so much progress and are so close to building a new, happy, free life for you and your boys. I hope just thinking of how much you have achieved in one year will keep you strong over this Christmas.

And who knows where you will be next Christmas!

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 04/12/2005 19:02

He is on nights tonight, so I can come on here & not have to justify myself.
As he left he said "I bet you are glad I am at work toight aren't you?"
He then went on to say how he remembered the days when I used to love him & wasn't keen to see him go to work!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 04/12/2005 19:04

I do have to remind myself that I have moved on since last Christmas, as sometimes I feel I can't have made that much progress, as I am still here.
I know I am a little stronger in myself now though.

OP posts:
EatDrinkAndBeAMerryPip · 04/12/2005 19:13

LW I am happy to know that you are safe. You have taken some really big steps recently towards escaping this vile man and I feel proud of you. Your posts sound stronger week by week. One day you will be free to experience happiness again and enjoy your lovely boys. Well done (don't mean that to sound so patronising), you have been really courageous. Take care x

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 04/12/2005 20:51

You found me pip!
I know that I will be free sometime soon & I think H can sense this.
He told me that the marraige being shaky was one of the reasons he wants to sell the house.
He also took great pleasure in telling me that if we spit up I would either get men that I would never be interested in approaching me, or men that would pretend to take an interest in me & the children, just because they wanted to sleep with me! (well, shag was the actual word he used)
He keeps on about how much I have changed (which I have) & how I don't love him anymore.
I think he is becoming very aware of how unhappy I am & it is making him paranoid.

OP posts:
BluStocking · 04/12/2005 21:04

But not concerned enough to listen to what you really want or find out how much HE could change in order for you to feel properley loved and valued! And of course you can't feel valued by someone who doesn't take your views into consideration, can you? His attempt to put you down by describing the losers and exploiters who would approach you is typical. Of course, there will always be loads of men in both categories - that's the nature of the world - (or the nature of men!) but there are also plenty of wise and lovely men who would make a beeline for you!

How are you responding to his comments about being glad to see him go out etc?

bourneville · 04/12/2005 21:10

Yep he is totally playing a game. He has definitely sensed that things aren't right and is trying desperately to gain control by trying to convince you it's your fault, by pathetically asking for reassurance (I got "You don't love me any more do you?") and also by trying to destroy any confidence you might have going out into the world without him (ie the stuff about other men - as if that's what you'll be worrying about!!). It seems to me he has a feeling you are thinking of running & is trying any means to manipulate you into changing your mind.

But, you are stronger now and can see through all that - let it go in one ear & out the other, remain as non-confrontational & non-committal as possible and continue to work on your escape plan! Christmas will be hard for you, i can see that...i guess just focus as much as poss on the boys having a good time and rest assured that perhaps by next christmas you won't have to endure another like it!...

I echo Blu's comments about his view of what the AM thing will be like for him! Those comments he made are designed, again, to make YOU feel insecure and like it's your fault. I bet he will drop it asap if he can, find some reason it wasn't right for him!

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 04/12/2005 21:15

You have gone all festive, Blu!
In response to his comments tonight about me not loving him etc, I just told him to stop feeling sorry for himself.
I have also told him many times that he doesn't make himself very lovable when he is being nasty.
Can't see him ever being so concerned about things that he would listen to me & take more responsibility for the problems, as this would be admitting he was wrong & he is never wrong in his eyes.
When I was explaining to the DV woman some of the things he said to me, she responded by asking me how I would feel if someone at work spoke to me in this way.
This made me sit back & think a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 04/12/2005 21:20

Yes I think he is trying to gain control, bourneville & I am not 100% sure he will go through with the counselling either.

OP posts:
EatDrinkAndBeAMerryPip · 04/12/2005 22:37

Oh LW, he's sounding more paranoid than ever. He must know that your marriage is nearly over. It must kill him to think that actually, things have changed, and you're more in control of the situation than he is.

I agree with bournville, keep it non-confrontational, I don't think it is worth arguing with him. He isn't rational and is totally self-righteous. He'll never change. Get through Christmas and make your plans for next year. Caribbeanqueen made a really good point about looking back at where you were last Christmas. Your progress is inspiring. You're getting stronger each day as he gets weaker. It must be alarming to him that you're no longer under his control, he'll probably get more desperate. Stay strong LW, you are coping with such a horrendous situation so brilliantly.

BluStocking · 04/12/2005 22:42

I agree with everything Bourneville and Pip say. You are doing v well with the way you are handling it all....and I agree there is no need / no point in getting into any confrontation at this stage- which must be a relief!

essbee · 05/12/2005 10:28

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/12/2005 13:33

Amazed that you all think I am doing so well! Can't see it myself. I am just plodding on!
It isn't worth arguing with him ATM, as you can never win & I end up getting frustrated & upset.
Sounds like you have a pretty exhausting day, essbee!
I may be on later, but it depends on H's mood tonight.

OP posts:
DinosaurInAManger · 05/12/2005 13:46

Hi LW. You are a star, you know. You have come a long way - I bet you weren't telling him to stop feeling sorry for himself this time last year. I do agree with the others though that at this stage it's not worth getting locked into confrontation with him - much better to conserve your energies, do what you have to do, give your boys as good a Christmas as possible in the circumstances, and work on your escape plan whenever you have the opportunity.

MARINAtivityPlay · 05/12/2005 13:52

I have come very late to your story LW but have read all of this thread now and am awestruck at how well you are dealing day by day with what sounds like a really tricky and scary situation. You have got some wonderful advice on here from very wise people. I hope that even not very constructive but supportive comments from people like me, lucky enough never to have faced this kind of nightmare, help a bit.
If you do need to move fast, although we can't offer a spare room, we could help with kitting you and the boys out...wishing you lots of luck.