I've gone but I'm going to need your help detaching and staying away

[BeforeAndAfter]

Sorry this is so long - I have lurked on the threads of Solost and WisedUpWoman (and others), in total admiration at the honesty, courage and determination laid out there not to mention the incredible advice (and wicked humour) provided by the MN crew. I know that I will really need the support of you lovely ladies over the coming weeks.

Like many of you my life can be divided into two acts: Before Discovery (BD) and After Discovery (AD). Life immediately BD wasn?t quite normal but wasn?t too far off. After 15 years together, the last six of which have been married, I thought we were just going through one of those distant, stressed phases, where a passionate love life was a distant memory due to DH?s redundancy, my exams, life etc. I now know otherwise and with that knowledge all of those little niggling signs that were there all fall into place and become obvious ? duh ? . How could I have missed the signs?

I am by no means daft but I had not put 2 and 2 together and reached 4, I was at about 3.25. I had figured out who OW was going to be but I truly thought it was budding as opposed to being in full bloom. My strategy BD had been to invite her to dinner and head off her attack by making me into a real live human being with feelings (I have never met her) but it turns out that I was way way too late. Discovery took place on 16 March with a bit more detail on 17 March. The affair has been going on since July 2010. YES, that long. In his words it started as the odd shag but since this year has developed into far more where he realised that come what may, all three players would be hurt (ah, such thoughtfulness).

At this point I feel I need to give some more detail about our lifestyle to give more context. We are fortunate enough to have a house in the country and a crash pad in the city, which was used by us both as relief from the commute. Then in August last year we bought our dream home (quasi retirement) somewhere warm, with a view to me giving up work in 2012, when DH?s pension would kick in. I work full-time (I?m 14 years younger than DH), we have no kids but he has two DDs who are now my beloved DSDs, both of whom are at uni.

Following DH?s redundancy in 2008 he found a part-time job and took up a hobby and the hobby is how he met OW. Towards the end of last year I noticed I could do little right and with his increasing enthusiasm for his hobby and his increasing criticism of me I found myself spending more time on my own at the crash pad rather than with DH at the house. Lesson number 1, never leave a man alone, they need constant attention. OW obviously couldn?t believe her luck and she reeled him in big time.

In February I approached DH to say that I felt we had drifted apart and needed to fix things at which point he agreed and, with indecent haste, volunteered that we spend time apart (about six weeks) with no communications so that he ?could think?. I was dumbfounded as being on his own is totally out of character for him (he is a selfish needy person, so a typical man then). He suggested he would go to the dream home for some space to allow his feelings for me to return and strengthen (ho ho). Anyway, I was still scratching my head, trying to figure out who this man was and trying to figure out why he had built a brick wall and wouldn?t let me in. He came back from the dream home and met me as arranged and agreed that we were best friends etc and that we should try and restart our relationship. At that point he was still not himself. A couple of hours later he broke down and dropped the bombshell about OW and the fact it had been going on since July 2010. I asked if he?d taken OW to dream home and he said ?absolutely not? and then I asked if he?d stayed overnight at her place when I was at crash pad and he said ?no?. I also asked the inevitable question about safe sex and was assured they always used protection. The next day I rang a close friend of mine who is a philandering male (please don?t judge me on my friends?) and he told me DH was definitely lying about using protection.

That day I went back to the house, not having been there for some time, in a symbolic ?moving back in with DH? gesture. We had agreed that he would finish with OW that night and be back by a certain time. Two hours after that deadline was up I assumed he was not coming back so I decided to find out the true extent of their relationship. I went into his Skype account (note ladies this IS a criminal act) and there was a whole written conversation between them which talked about him sleeping next to her, their passionate mornings (I?m sparing the graphic detail) and the fact that she couldn?t wait to fly out to see him. What I don?t understand is how another woman (excellent job, educated at top uni, so not dim) could go into my home to steal my DH. Forget the morals about affairs, I just would not go into someone else?s home and abuse it ? it feels like I have been burgled let alone having my husband stolen. BTW philandering male friend told me that men don?t think the same as women about bricks and mortar which oddly enough did help me. Back to Skype, with one password I found out the extent of his lying ? he had stayed overnight with her at her house and he had taken her to my dream home. Anyway, he eventually came home having dumped her and when I showed him what I?d found he confessed. He then told me he could never trust me again (yes, HE could never trust ME again) and changed all his passwords.

So, fast forward over a couple of traumatic months where he finished with her, I finished with him, we pinged back together, they pinged back together etc. Note: at no stage did he finish with me. The main reason for his flipping back and forth was that he refused to give up the hobby so OW was always there, reeling him in. He then properly finished with OW and, at my insistence, gave up the hobby. The only problem is he was thoroughly depressed, clearly grieving the OW and totally self-absorbed ? like a sulking child.

During the last reconciliation it was clear he was still communicating with her and when I was packing my belongings to leave he had an outburst and implored me to stay, confessing that they had been texting and phoning but not e-mailing or seeing each other. I agreed to stay one last time but his behaviour has gone back to being odd so I expect she?s back on the scene. I turned Poirot and found that there had previously been more than texting but the killer for me is that it is clear he really really loves her and is staying with me for financial reasons. Sadly his behaviour supports this so I cannot rationalise that the words were ?just for her?. Also during this period my mental health spiralled downwards and I ended up on anti-depressants, all the time pleading with him to stop the lying and tell me truth, and he just looked me in the eye and lied and lied.

Oh and one final thing on my scenario I have endured the agony of a visit to ?the clinic? and been checked out completely and he has now admitted that they did not use protection as the affair intensified. Additionally, from the start of their affair I have had thrush on and off and felt that I wasn?t ?quite right? down there so again, all of that fell into place once I knew.

I am lucky in that my work colleagues have been AMAZING and carried me through this hell but family only know we?re having problems. I know that even though I am strong tonight over the next day or so I will want to hear him, touch him, smell him and feel his arms around me (although lately hugs were only there when I asked, wtf ?) that's where I hope you MNs will be around to keep me focussed and strong. He's a liar and a cheat and I am too good for him (my current mantra).

Thank you for reading this far.

Hey you seem to have been through a hell of a lot, but it does get easier, it isn't easy now, it's darn hard, and some days will be worse than others, but time is a great healer and that is what you need now, time to grieve for the end of your relationship.

Try to keep as busy as possible so there is less time to sit and think of how good things were when they were good. If you have to think at all think of what he has done to you, hurting you by allowing another woman into the bed you shared with him.

So sorry. It sounds like you have made a good decision to detach yourself from the lying cheating bastard - he obviously was never really going to leave the OW. Remind yourself of what he has done and of the mental torture he caused each time you feel yourself weakening.

You need to be kind to yourself and start telling friends and family so that you can get support in RL.

You sound lovely.

I'm so sorry you've gone through all this. You are well shot of him, he really isn't worthy of you, and your mantra is perfect!

One thing that jumps out at me is when you say that you shouldn't have left the home so that she could reel him in. Firstly, you need to perhaps stop blaming the OW for this (because she owed you nothing), and start putting more of the blame on your H (because he owed you everything).

I have read so many threads on here, and I now know that if a man is going to stray, he'll stray - regardless of whether the wife is in the family home or not. So please don't blame yourself for any of this. You didn't make a mistake by moving out, he did all this himself. Really, you could have been living together constantly, but he still would have lied and cheated.

So stop blaming yourself, please.

I'm glad your work colleagues have been amazing - I know how much strength I have drawn from my friends too. Now is the time to tell more people in your family. Not all of them at once if you don't feel like it, but open up to at least one close family member. You'll be amazed at how they will want to help, and how much strength you will draw from them.

And do keep talking to us. MN has helped me so much, it's amazing the way women we could pass in the street and think were strangers, give so much support on here.

You have been so strong and seems to me carried both of you and his OW through it all, time to STOP and re-stock YOUR life , take time out go on a visit to good old friends they know you and will see you through this, I am so sorry for the way it happened, and I am not pretending it is not going to take time.
Men CAN BE INCREDIBLY SELFISH, I know i was the victim of one similar to you 20 years ago except we had a child , please take it slowly , and stick to who and what you know, you have had a life changing experience and for that you need time to heal your wounds, take care thinking of you.

I think now you've made the break, tell your family what has happened and let them support you (if they're not 'stately homes' types). Having the truth in the open will help bolster your resolution.

Thank you all so much for your replies.

So the big fist of grief turned up at lunchtime. I didn?t have time to think about things this morning as I had stuff to do at work but now it?s hitting me in waves. I even started shaking at one stage, almost as though I?m in shock. I cannot believe the physical symptoms that come with this. The 3/4 am wake-up call (which I call the heartbreak hour), the palpitations and cold sweats (no, I?m not that age just yet!). Still I have lost a stone, so am pretty chuffed with that thank you!

Fabby, it hurts that he could have been so sneaky as to take her there while keeping me at arm?s length and ?trying to get back the feelings for me? but part of me wishes I?d been a fly on the wall for the few days she was there. Dream home is still a project so the bed consisted of two single mattresses on the floor and there was no sofa to snuggle up on, and given that I plan to be a big drain on financial resources there probably won?t be one for some time to come! I can imagine OW?s face when she arrived. It was always our dream and I wonder if he sold it to her as his dream and somehow made it all his achievement.

MadAbout, mental torture is totally the correct term. I kept telling him that his lies were just cruel but in his warped male way he truly believed that lying equalled not hurting me (or her). I think he?s happily lied to us both when it suited him. When I was trying to break in through his brick wall to find the man I married I so often felt like the puppy scratching at the door, trying to get in.

Saffy, I do blame OW. I blame H for being tempted but I do blame her for keeping on and on and on. She has a good job, is smart and old enough to know better. He was weak to stray and weak to keep seeing her and make this so much worse. Do you know, when I asked why he didn?t come home and talk to me, his best friend (which I was back then), the night she invited him back to her place for sex he said: ?and say what, that I?m not happy?? to which I simply replied: ?yes?. I know it?s not an easy conversation to have but oh it would have been so much easier than this, even for him.

Ambers, you?re right, this is my life. When I left yesterday it was after I realised I?ve wasted 5 months trying to salvage a relationship that?s just been getting worse. In RL I?m one of those matter-of-fact, get-on-with-it types that people come to for advice and I was actually getting embarrassed to be non-stop talking about myself and this never-ending saga I found myself in.

Buzz, no stately homes, ?just? a fiery French Mum and a cockney Dad who are fierce when it comes to sticking up for their brood. I could not tell them anything when there was a chance of making it work with him as they would never have forgiven him or accepted him back into the family in the same way as before. My parents have been married for over 60 years and I wonder why I couldn?t manage that. (DH is, in fact, DH2, so I?m not terribly good at this business, it seems) and I was his DW3 so neither is he. Perhaps we were doomed from the start.

The physical symptoms shocked me too - I really felt like I had been hit by a train, had the shakes for days, hardly slept or ate etc. The flashbacks were horrible as these would take me by surprise and I thought I would have a panic attack.

You need to take things one day at a time and remember that we're here for you.

Before, I hear what you're saying about blaming the OW, and of course she deserves some blame here. But you need to realise that however much she chased, however much she threw herself at him, etc., he made a choice to cheat with her. He knew what he stood to lose and he made a choice. There are good men out there (so they tell me!) who regardless of women throwing themselves at them, would never ever stray. Yours did. He should take all the blame, and you, in order to move on, really must accept this. All men can say no. They are adults and responsible - it's a cop out in my opinion to blame the OW, because by doing that the men are excused their behaviour. And men's behaviour when cheating on their wives, stinks.

Yes, here for you too and understand where you are coming from. Stay strong - remember that he betrayed you with this woman and lied and lied to you.

The emotions that you are feeling are normal. Emotionally I have been all over the place - anger, rage, sorrow, sadness, despair to name but a few... Physically I shake, can't sleep, can't eat... I joke that the heartbreak diet is the best I have ever done! Sometimes I feel that my heart is beating so hard, it will break.

It doesn't feel it now, but I hang on to the fact that time is a great healer.

It never fails to shock me how much a man who is having an affair will lie and chop and change their feelings flitting between ow and wife and claiming they are just confused! What a dick you seriously are better off without him. I have had months of the same with my husband leaving,coming back, claiming they are just good friends, then admitting that there is more.
Get shot of him, life is too short, you deserve to be with someone who adores you, who would never treat you this way. that is the advice my mum gave to me and it really made me see things in a new light.
Good luck in your new lifexxxx

what a dreadful thing to go through. You sound remarkable sane.
Good on you.

(Agree completely with Saffy re other woman)

OP, I am in quite a similar situation to you, even the same age difference (though there are no children involved).

Except it has only been 4 weeks for me. And, I cannot decide whether this makes it better, or worse, but we only got married in January. He has 'liked' this OW since last summer but only started an EA 2-3 months ago.

Of course, like you I am not sure what is real and what is not, everyday brings new revelations. He is currently in a caravan in the orchard and hasn't 'finished' with me, he's "thinking" but is clearly still pining and in touch with OW.

I can completely sympathise with the physical symptoms, I swear at times I could see my heart beating through my chest so hard, and each revelation made me want to faint. Constant churning in the tummy, weak knees and no food/sleep. After 2 weeks I got myself to the GP as the only way I was coping was with alcohol and I didn't want to take that route. I got diazapam, zopiclone and prozac and I am finding my strength now I can eat and sleep.

It's a shock, it's a blow, but I'm aware it's not uncommon and reading the stories on here, even yours about your decision to leave have inspired my to get strong.

The worst thing for me is the 'distance', the awkwardness, we just need to grieve that.

Stay strong, I'm right there with you and you deserve better, I deserve better!

So yesterday I left when he was away on a day trip following my ?successful? Poirot activities. I left him a note, nothing slushy, just sadly matter-of-fact. Telling him when I will be back to pack etc and asking him to ensure he?s not around during the relevant times. Him not being there is crucial. You see, when we have been apart and then see each other something pings us together but we seem incapable of staying together in a positive way.

Of course, I desperately hoped that today he would gallop into my office on his white charger and sweep me up and tell me what an awful mistake he?d made but the reality is that he clearly got home last night, probably about 21:15, read my note and I guess contacted OW. He certainly didn?t contact me. Tonight I was out with RL support, which was amazing, because the cocktails in RL definitely make it all a bit easier, and on my way home I peeped at my Blackberry and there was his name in my e-mail list. ?Please, please? I prayed: ?tell me you love me and my sudden departure brought it all home to you?.

But no. Here is a snippet of his e-mail setting out his thoughts on the way home from a business trip (sent tonight after reading my note of last night): ?? I concluded that separating would probably be the best way allowing you to move forward. I came home with thoughts of discussing this very outcome with you, so it is no huge surprise to find that we have reached the same conclusion at the same time. I did not expect you to have left ??

How very big of him. He gets the last word ? I guarantee you that had I been at home waiting for him to get back then we would never had had such a discussion, even if he had role played it for hours.

Oh how I love this man so much. Oh how I want him so much. It just hurts so much that he does not want me and has replaced me without so much as a backward glance. What has changed is that I don?t really like him much any more. So I guess that?s progress. I?ll take that for now.

YouMakeMeWanna, the distance, I know, it is so hard to take, to see and to touch. How can distance be tangible? But it truly is.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Please tell your fierce mum and dad, and lean on your friends some more . Starting to dislike him is a good thing, anger will be your friend. You deserve better than this.

This is so raw for you OP, I feel for you so much.

Weak men often don't have the guts (integrity, honesty also) to make the break. My STBXH told me many times that he would leave me and the kids, that he no longer loved me. Yet in the end his behaviour became so cruel that I told him to go. I said he had an hour to go, or I'd throw all his stuff out on the front brickweave! I went downstairs with the kids, and twenty minutes later we heard him creep downstairs and leave. He didn't say goodbye to the kids. That is what still hurts them. Coward. You gave him what he wants. But also, you took control by leaving, so that's a good thing. As much as you miss him, and your pain is very obvious, at some point this would have ended. AND IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

You will get over this, there's loads of us on here who can promise you that. But the next few weeks will be a rollercoaster for you. You'll feel anguish and physical pain, you'll cry and hit rock bottom. Then, you'll slowly feel relief and then you'll have more good days than bad days. There's a grieving process to go through, for what you had once, and for what you thought you had now. And for what you hoped for the future. But you'll get there.

Be gentle on yourself, go with the flow, and lean on us. We'll help all we can.

I think it's totally understandable that you despise the OW and she is not without blame. I also think it says a lot about someone that she was prepared to defile your home and your marital bed, but of course that applies with spades on, to your H. Their joint behaviour was ultimately cruel and indefensible. Your anger towards both of them is perfectly reasonable and will also help you at the moment. Don't fight it - let it work for you, because it will help you stay strong in your detachment.

How will it work for you? If you display calm and controlled contempt, in all your dealings with him from now on. Pay a visit to a great lawyer and start divorce proceedings pronto. You don't have to follow through on this incidentally, but it will send a shot across the bows, show him you mean business and most importantly, give you the feeling that you are back in control of your own life and are no longer at the whims of a proven liar. It will also be a considerable relief knowing that financially, you will be ok.

There's also nothing more effective as a "last word" than instituting divorce proceedings, especially if it means they shit themselves wondering whether she is going to be named in a divorce petition (in reality, it will be easier to divorce for unreasonable behaviour, but they don't have to know that just yet

Have a think too, about his past relationships. You are his third wife, you say. Has he been unfaithful before, because these patterns often repeat themselves. If so, what were his excuses? How did you rationalise his previous failed relationships? With hindsight, do you think you know the truth? Have you ever spoken to his previous wives, or your stepchildren about what happened?

Oh Saffy, I can?t believe your STBXH did that to the children ? I?m so sorry. These men are cowardly, aren?t they? That said I did leave when H wasn?t around but I know that if I?d seen him or heard his voice I would have somehow twisted my resolve to leave into some sort of warped determination to stick with him.

You are so right to say that H is weak and I am shocked to see his total lack of integrity on display. This man is admired by so many who know him and everyone who knows have basically said: ?well, if H has done that then there?s no hope for the rest of us?. Oddly enough I find it comforting that I wasn?t the only one who put him on a pedestal and was fooled by him.

I do feel so sad for what I thought I had and what I thought my future held. I chose not to have children because I had my DSDs and wanted to make sure we could provide the best of everything for the children that I saw as ours and I figured I could be the indulgent grandma to their children having family holidays together at the dream home.

Darius, defile is a good word to describe how I feel, there's something very grubby and seedy about all of this. I do think that I have found a great solicitor. I saw her a couple of months ago when this all started for my free hour and she was totally shocked about the dream home. She is smart and sassy and has advised that our 15 years together will be viewed as one of equal contributions despite us only being married for six of those years. I haven?t yet phoned her to kick off proceedings but will probably do so next week. Let him wonder when the letter will fall on the mat because he knows it will.

He has been unfaithful before on a odd shag basis, if you know what I mean. He has assured me that he was never unfaithful to me before OW and I do believe him . His excuses are only that he had grown apart from them but he did bounce from woman to woman and he bounced from W2 to me. As far as I know there were never any affairs before now, just stepping stones. W1 was so long ago, there were no kids and they lived up North (we're down South) so I?ve never come across her; I doubt he would recognise her to be honest.

The trouble is it?s so easy to rationalise your new partner?s failed relationships because they weren?t with YOU and YOU are THE one that destiny was waiting for BLAH BLAH BLAH ? I now think that he is very insecure and likes the thrill of the first flush of romance to make him feel good and intensely wanted. I?ve told him him that this incredible phase will wear off with OW in 18 months or so and then he will be left with half of what we built together and a plug ugly OW (she really is).

We had one session with a marriage counsellor two weeks ago (he specialises in affairs) and I am going to see him on a one-on-one basis, starting next week. For the past 28 years I have only been single for six months and have always rushed headlong into heady romances so I'd like to flesh that one out to make sure my eyes are wide open next time (I hope there will be a next time but maybe I'll love being on my own in our beautiful capital city).

I haven?t yet spoken to DSDs. The eldest one knows we were rocky back in March (she sniffed it out and asked) and was brilliant and promised I would always be in her life but we didn?t tell the younger one as she?s more inclined to worry about these things and it was her exams. I?ve asked H to tell me when he?s told them then I will speak to them. I know he will sanitise and reinvent everything to paint OW in the best light possible and I?d like to tell them the truth but would only do so face to face. Boy will that be hard.

I totally understand why you went when you did, and how you did (him not being there) because that's the only way you could do it. What my ex did was cowardly and horrible because he was the one who we agreed would sit down and tell the kids. I felt he should do this, because he was the one leaving. But because I'm a positive person, I just think that the way he left further justified me throwing him out, if you see what I mean.

You have done the right thing, the more you post about him, his affairs etc., the more it's obvious that you had no option but to leave him. So well done on doing that, because it took guts.

You'll get through this - there's loads of us on here to help you.

Oh, and I meant to add, that I found it comforting too when I realised that I wasn't the only one who was fooled by my ex. Everyone thought he was such a loving husband, and a wonderful family man, who always put us first. I've lost count of the people who have said "if they split up, what hope is there for the rest of us" sort of thing. Just goes to show, doesn't it?

Oh god B&A.

What a piece of work he is. Cut from exactly the same cloth as mine.

You know what I did. I went for divorce immediately, cut off all contact within two weeks and 4 months on he doesn't know what's going to hit him next or from where. Yet he's still lying through his teeth - they never change. But going 'cold turkey' really helped me alot. It helped me put the pieces together, it helped me get the right support, it helped me lick my wounds without him opening them up again. It also helped me to accept that my marriage is really over and to make the choice never to allow my XH into my life again. What a turnaround from the me who yearned for the man who was my 'best friend' and 'love of my life'. If I can do that, so can you I promise.

You sound so grounded and you write so articulately but reading your posts felt painful, so I can only say you're not alone here. Lots of lovely posters will do what they can to help you through this.

Wisey, thank you for your response. I feel like I'm in the presence of MN royalty :). What you have achieved has been absolutely amazing and I have lurked on your thread for some time. In fact, you inspired me to post, as much for the amazing responses you have received as well as your own insightful and, at times, painfully sad posts.

Something WWIFN wrote a while ago about porn has been ringing true, especially when I posted about H's inability to stick to one woman. H loves porn and the correlation between porn use and infidelity referenced by WWIFN struck a chord today. I think I'll be designing a take-on questionnaire for new men and their views on porn will most definitely be on the list.

Saffy, this afternoon I really surprised myself. I was talking to one of the amazing people at work who has quite literally kept me going for the past few months (her XH did the deed with the childminder when she was heavily pregnant with No 2 and she has been there for me no matter what) and she asked me if I thought that H spent last night with OW and I actually said that I did not care. My face did not crumple and I did not have to hold my breath to stop the choke coming. Now that is new. And that is down to you. Thank you.

It's so strange that I have spent so many heartbreak hours mulling over and thinking through most of the things I've posted here but actually putting those thoughts down, reading all of your responses and rereading my posts has been incredibly cathartic. Even in the short time I've been here. Whatever I expected from MN, it was not this focus. There should be medals for all of you.

Why, thank you!

MN is a very important part of my life now. Even on my worst days someone has said something to make me smile, laugh even, and since my first surprise at seeing a response to my actual thread I've known someone would be there.

What's different about here is as you say, the written word. In RL much of what people have said to me has bounced off me, like there was a force field preventing me from taking it in. But here there's time to think, time to go back over words.

I'm really pleased you posted because I honestly think you will be helped here. And I'll be following you now!

So tomorrow I am heading down to the house to start to pack away 15 years of my life. He will not be there between designated times and I will start the sad task of splitting the books, splitting the LPs (he's not getting my ZZ Top album ... oh, but the turntable is his) and all of the other treasures we hoard. The boxes will then go down to Mum and Dad (both in their 80s and still standing by) to nest in the loft. I have a drawer filled with cards. During my early twenties I would probably have shredded anything from him but I do now know that I will one day be able to read those cards and remember the good times. :(

Just calling by to say I hope you're ok today.

Don't dwell while you're packing stuff up, just do it, you can put time aside later for reflecting.

What you're doing is a mark of courage and maturity. You'll look back on this and know that whatever else happened you found it in yourself to do right by you and you'll feel so proud.

I'm at a conference today, but will be back later to see how you are.

Chin up, and tits out, as MNers would say (or is it the other way around, I can never remember)!

Hi B&A, so pleased to hearing you sound more positive. Don't expect too much to soon, the week immediately after my ex left was a rollercoaster for me; I spent one day manically clearing out a lot of his stuff and putting it in the garage, followed by a day watching the Royal Wedding and feeling no emotion at all, followed by a day crying in bed, followed by a day taking all the kids out and having a fantastic time....then a numb day, etc. etc. I felt a lot of anger in the early days, and I channeled that into finding a good solicitor and sorting out practical stuff. I couldn't really concentrate on things like watching TV, so read loads of threads on here, and got amazing support from other MNers. And after that first week, and after I told my parents and close friends it got much easier. Three months on, I still wake up in the morning sometimes in bewilderment that it's really happened - that I'm no longer half of a couple, 22 years is a long time to be married and we were together for two years before that. But what surprised me is how quickly I reverted back to the woman I was in my early twenties: more outgoing, laid back, independent. That young woman had got buried underneath years of being worn down and downtrodden by a selfish and cruel man-child. I'm sure that like many of us, you'll find your true self again, and it will be wonderful. My mum even said that she felt she had the real me back again. We often don't know how bad things are, and how unhappy we are until we are out of the situation; I certainly didn't realise it until it was behind me.

Good luck with sorting the stuff out today - if it gets too much, then please stop, and do it another time. Don't cause yourself more pain than you need to - grab the ZZtop album (going to have "She's got legs, she knows how to use them..." buzzing round my head all day now!) and do the rest later if necessary. Take it at your own pace.

WWIFN is sorely missed by loads of us; she was amazing on my thread with her care and advice. She said on it about the correlation between heavy porn use and infidelity, and it struck a chord with me too. My teenage daughter finding an open link left by husband of a teenage porn site - really horrible degrading stuff - was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. And his indifference to the discovery and not telling me about it, is number one on the "grounds for unreasonable behaviour" on the petition - my solicitor's decision, not mine; she even rated it higher than his many declarations that he no longer loved me. For me, it was a deal breaker, and it also shattered 24 years of respect that I had for him.

Tell us how today went later, glad we are helping you. Keep posting.