I've gone but I'm going to need your help detaching and staying away

[BeforeAndAfter]

Sorry this is so long - I have lurked on the threads of Solost and WisedUpWoman (and others), in total admiration at the honesty, courage and determination laid out there not to mention the incredible advice (and wicked humour) provided by the MN crew. I know that I will really need the support of you lovely ladies over the coming weeks.

Like many of you my life can be divided into two acts: Before Discovery (BD) and After Discovery (AD). Life immediately BD wasn?t quite normal but wasn?t too far off. After 15 years together, the last six of which have been married, I thought we were just going through one of those distant, stressed phases, where a passionate love life was a distant memory due to DH?s redundancy, my exams, life etc. I now know otherwise and with that knowledge all of those little niggling signs that were there all fall into place and become obvious ? duh ? . How could I have missed the signs?

I am by no means daft but I had not put 2 and 2 together and reached 4, I was at about 3.25. I had figured out who OW was going to be but I truly thought it was budding as opposed to being in full bloom. My strategy BD had been to invite her to dinner and head off her attack by making me into a real live human being with feelings (I have never met her) but it turns out that I was way way too late. Discovery took place on 16 March with a bit more detail on 17 March. The affair has been going on since July 2010. YES, that long. In his words it started as the odd shag but since this year has developed into far more where he realised that come what may, all three players would be hurt (ah, such thoughtfulness).

At this point I feel I need to give some more detail about our lifestyle to give more context. We are fortunate enough to have a house in the country and a crash pad in the city, which was used by us both as relief from the commute. Then in August last year we bought our dream home (quasi retirement) somewhere warm, with a view to me giving up work in 2012, when DH?s pension would kick in. I work full-time (I?m 14 years younger than DH), we have no kids but he has two DDs who are now my beloved DSDs, both of whom are at uni.

Following DH?s redundancy in 2008 he found a part-time job and took up a hobby and the hobby is how he met OW. Towards the end of last year I noticed I could do little right and with his increasing enthusiasm for his hobby and his increasing criticism of me I found myself spending more time on my own at the crash pad rather than with DH at the house. Lesson number 1, never leave a man alone, they need constant attention. OW obviously couldn?t believe her luck and she reeled him in big time.

In February I approached DH to say that I felt we had drifted apart and needed to fix things at which point he agreed and, with indecent haste, volunteered that we spend time apart (about six weeks) with no communications so that he ?could think?. I was dumbfounded as being on his own is totally out of character for him (he is a selfish needy person, so a typical man then). He suggested he would go to the dream home for some space to allow his feelings for me to return and strengthen (ho ho). Anyway, I was still scratching my head, trying to figure out who this man was and trying to figure out why he had built a brick wall and wouldn?t let me in. He came back from the dream home and met me as arranged and agreed that we were best friends etc and that we should try and restart our relationship. At that point he was still not himself. A couple of hours later he broke down and dropped the bombshell about OW and the fact it had been going on since July 2010. I asked if he?d taken OW to dream home and he said ?absolutely not? and then I asked if he?d stayed overnight at her place when I was at crash pad and he said ?no?. I also asked the inevitable question about safe sex and was assured they always used protection. The next day I rang a close friend of mine who is a philandering male (please don?t judge me on my friends?) and he told me DH was definitely lying about using protection.

That day I went back to the house, not having been there for some time, in a symbolic ?moving back in with DH? gesture. We had agreed that he would finish with OW that night and be back by a certain time. Two hours after that deadline was up I assumed he was not coming back so I decided to find out the true extent of their relationship. I went into his Skype account (note ladies this IS a criminal act) and there was a whole written conversation between them which talked about him sleeping next to her, their passionate mornings (I?m sparing the graphic detail) and the fact that she couldn?t wait to fly out to see him. What I don?t understand is how another woman (excellent job, educated at top uni, so not dim) could go into my home to steal my DH. Forget the morals about affairs, I just would not go into someone else?s home and abuse it ? it feels like I have been burgled let alone having my husband stolen. BTW philandering male friend told me that men don?t think the same as women about bricks and mortar which oddly enough did help me. Back to Skype, with one password I found out the extent of his lying ? he had stayed overnight with her at her house and he had taken her to my dream home. Anyway, he eventually came home having dumped her and when I showed him what I?d found he confessed. He then told me he could never trust me again (yes, HE could never trust ME again) and changed all his passwords.

So, fast forward over a couple of traumatic months where he finished with her, I finished with him, we pinged back together, they pinged back together etc. Note: at no stage did he finish with me. The main reason for his flipping back and forth was that he refused to give up the hobby so OW was always there, reeling him in. He then properly finished with OW and, at my insistence, gave up the hobby. The only problem is he was thoroughly depressed, clearly grieving the OW and totally self-absorbed ? like a sulking child.

During the last reconciliation it was clear he was still communicating with her and when I was packing my belongings to leave he had an outburst and implored me to stay, confessing that they had been texting and phoning but not e-mailing or seeing each other. I agreed to stay one last time but his behaviour has gone back to being odd so I expect she?s back on the scene. I turned Poirot and found that there had previously been more than texting but the killer for me is that it is clear he really really loves her and is staying with me for financial reasons. Sadly his behaviour supports this so I cannot rationalise that the words were ?just for her?. Also during this period my mental health spiralled downwards and I ended up on anti-depressants, all the time pleading with him to stop the lying and tell me truth, and he just looked me in the eye and lied and lied.

Oh and one final thing on my scenario I have endured the agony of a visit to ?the clinic? and been checked out completely and he has now admitted that they did not use protection as the affair intensified. Additionally, from the start of their affair I have had thrush on and off and felt that I wasn?t ?quite right? down there so again, all of that fell into place once I knew.

I am lucky in that my work colleagues have been AMAZING and carried me through this hell but family only know we?re having problems. I know that even though I am strong tonight over the next day or so I will want to hear him, touch him, smell him and feel his arms around me (although lately hugs were only there when I asked, wtf ?) that's where I hope you MNs will be around to keep me focussed and strong. He's a liar and a cheat and I am too good for him (my current mantra).

Thank you for reading this far.

Sorry you're having a rough day. They happen, you just have to go with it, but well done on going to Pilates; I had a day or two when I could barely crawl out of bed.

My youngest turned 14 less than two weeks after ex left. I dreaded it, but in the end it was a nice evening - took all the kids and their friends out to dinner (took one of my closest friends too) and then we went to a gig - saw Pete Docherty (now there's a role model - not). But it was a great evening. So don't dread it too much. You can still have a party you know - it will be a bit sad, but you'll cope, and you'll feel good doing something for your lad. And I promise you this, once you've done it, you'll draw strength from it, and you'll cope with the next "event" that much better. Was our wedding anniversary last week - I hardly gave it a thought.

X

B&A hope today is better than yesterday. It is like good therapy here, it's real and in the moment and therapy does have it's share of laughs too (at least mine does!).

There really is nothing worse than feeling completely at the mercy of the whims of another person, especially those whom we've entrusted with our lives and well-being. Sometimes the hole feels just too deep to climb out of, but it isn't really. I can honestly say that having my heart broken is the worst thing ever to have happened (which makes me a very fortunate person, I know) and that's because I have the capacity to love unconditionally, another person with all their fallibilities (including an absence of biceps and bad taste in clothes).

But just because we love someone who cleaves a great gulf between us, it doesn't mean we have to deny ourselves that capacity to love them - and loving someone like that means we just have to pull up the drawbridge and say 'stop this now'. It feels tough and it is tough, but nevertheless you have the right to do it.

Take care, watch that pilates instructor and dream..........

Just checking in B&A. You ok?

Well, not a great week thus far. Am having a very sad day today. Twunty cocking H (TCH) e-mailed me to say he?s appointed a solicitor. Only to be expected but it?s one of those reality-check moments. Seeing it typed there in black and white hit me between the eyes and, of course, even though it was a brick between the eyes that I knew was coming its blow still hurt nonetheless.

TCH is off on holiday on Sunday and I?m willing to bet he?s taking OW with him to MY dream home. Given the timing of telling me he has a sol I bet the letter will be sent telling me he?s taking her there and there?s nothing I can legally do about it despite asking him not to. We?ll see.

Not sure when I?ll get a proper holiday away as I?ve so much to sort out and, to be honest, I?m not sure I really want one at the moment, but that?s part of the package right now, isn?t it? At least with him away I can get myself and all of my little bits and bobs out of the house once and for all.

The flat is coming along nicely. One shelving unit is up and my ruthless sorting of clothing is horribly efficient, so the charity bag is bulging at the seams. So I tried to put up some hanging thing in the kitchen last night but I have failed miserably. It?s one of those stainless steel bars that you can hang stuff from. Well, I have one screw in the wall fine, but the other one won?t go in ? so that kind of sums up my week really, half OK, half crap.

I?ve also decided to give my bedroom a makeover so I went to John Lewis to look at curtain fabric and the only design I liked out of hundreds was £88 per metre (of course ...); so that?s a no then. I shall try and find something on-line that?s more acceptable. The John Lewis fabric department just isn?t what it used to be.

DSD1 is meeting me tonight so I need to perk up for her and we?re off to check out an art exhibition at the National Portrait. Then she?s off to her Mum?s tomorrow and back with me on Sunday for a family lunch, so that will be nice. She?s being very supportive at the moment. DSD2 is off on hols with TCH, so I hope OW?s not there, but if she is, well, maybe I just have to get used to the reality but it kind of stinks.

Oh dear, this hasn?t made me feel any better today.

Oh sorry B&A.

It's been said before but never underestimate the power of the written word to hurt, and the one's which hurt the most are those which edit out the emotional context of divorce. I was only talking last night (2am this morning actually) with a RL friend about the same thing. Seeing PTM's 'generous proposals' (and they may be, we still have that side to settle) was like looking at a business plan, not the shape of the rest of my life without him. And boy, did it wound. So I get where you're coming from, but now it's done you won't have that as a first again, next time you'll have steeled yourself a bit.

TCM really is a twunty cock . I hope he gets stung by a big jellyfish (yes that's a bit adolescent but that's how I feel today). You deserve so much better, you really do.

Think size 3 knitting needles. And my RL friend said to use the metal o es cos they heat up well.

Sorry BAA. It is so shitty. I feel so afraid sometimes. But I have to move on. I have no choice.

Xx

Friday afternoon at work was not smooth, to say the least. I spent more time outside, walking up and down the pavement (in my new, incredibly beautiful electric blue suede shoes) taking deep breaths, desperately trying not to smudge the mascara and I did keep my composure but only just. As an aside on the shoes, a friend of mine commented that they are not ?fuck me? shoes but incredibly classy ?I might fuck you if you?re incredibly lucky? shoes. I quite liked that!

So, I hooked up with DSD1 on Friday night and confessed I had struggled through the day and she had big hugs for me, which I took without feeling guilty. We did the exhibition, went and had lovely tapas and came back home and talked and talked. Saturday morning we talked some more and she is so angry. So very angry. It is just incredibly sad what TCH has done to our little unit.

So she has met OW. I was careful not to ask what she thought of her because I don?t want to start anything childish (I?d love to, in my heart of hearts, but that?s not really the best solution for anybody in the long run). So TCH has confessed to DSD1 about the affair and everything (which she knew, from me) but he will not tell DSD2 because he wants DSD1 to tell her. This means he does not want to hear the inevitable reproaches that DSD2 will throw back at him and he does not want to see her hurt staring him in the face. He is such a fucking coward. Coward, coward, coward. Apparently TCH seems to think it?s all a game and is waiting for DSD2 to ask him and thinks it?s funny ... Honestly ladies, I do not know this man, I have never seen this man in my life. I know knew him so well, I really did and he has changed beyond all recognition.

So DSD2 had arranged to spend 2 weeks at dream home on holiday with her Dad. As I had guessed, there will be three people on her holiday, not two (apparently OW will not be staying there but will be staying somewhere else - yeah, right). So once DSD2 learned this, DSD1 suggested that she at least meet OW before the long drive down to the Med so OW has now met both DSDs. Now DSD2 is very uncomfortable at being the gooseberry. You can imagine it can?t you? TCH and OW in the throes of passion, dying to drop to shag anywhere in the house at the drop of a hat (or knickers) and my little DSD2 feeling sad on the edge. I really hope that OW, as a mother herself, will be mindful of this but all of her actions thus far have been about making sure she?s happy so I doubt it.

Unfortunately, DSD2 is an emotional clam and tends not to talk about anything but has confided in her sister that she is really upset that her Dad is taking OW on holiday too. She had expected it to be just the two of them.

Then we have DSD2?s 21st coming up and here we have the strange dynamics of a divorced family. DSD2 does not want OW there. Mum does not want TCH there if I?m not there (we get on very well and TCH is always very rude to her and never talks to her unless he has to). Even for this I don?t feel I can be there if TCH is there, it?s too raw, too soon. I know I have to be able to be in the same room with him one day (hopefully we haven't put the DSDs off weddings, although neither have ever brought a BF home) but if I see TCH's eyes and hear that voice, I will just crumple and make her birthday even worse and that makes me a very selfish coward. Oh well, we have a couple of weeks to see what happens and maybe she?ll come back from her holiday and love OW and want her to be at her birthday, anyway I?m sure I shall bore you all with more on this as it unfolds over the next few weeks and as my mind races between sadness and anger on this.

So, on Friday while I was STILL attending my pity party of one, I joined one of these on-line social clubs. I could not bear the thought of a Saturday night on my own the way I was feeling so I paid my fee, signed up to a dinner out and off I went! I?m so glad I did. I had fun getting ready and headed out in my IMFYIYIL shoes (that doesn?t trip off the keyboard, I can tell you). We were meeting at a restaurant and I couldn?t believe how many people turned up. To be honest I was expecting 10 people for dinner but it felt like walking into a huge conference; it seems there were loads of other social groups that had come along too. Anyway, I got chatting with loads of people (there?s a whole bag of ages, guys and girls) and I ended up talking to two really nice professional ladies and we plan to meet up again. So that?s just what I was hoping for, some buddies to do things with on a Saturday night. I didn?t stay too late but I?m glad I went.

Family are coming up today and DSD1 is joining us so I?ll find out how DSD2 is doing (they?re heading off today so hopefully she was OK with that but 10 hours confined in a car with OW is going to strained, even when you?re as fantastic as my DSD2 is). I shall be thinking of DSD2 most of the day, I can tell you.

Aw B&A what a lot to cope with.

First thing, it really pisses me off on your behalf that TCH wanted DSD1 to tell DSD2 about his grubby little affair. He should have done this, especially as DSD2 is going to be on holiday with them - it's bloody cowardly and unfair on her and you. What a twunt.

Well done on not asking DSD1 about OW. You're absolutely right not to involve the kids. It's brilliant that you and her talk and talk, because it helps you both. It also proves what a fantastic SM you are.

You say you don't know this man anymore. I really understand you - I don't know the man I was married to for 22 years either. He's a total stranger to me. When people ask me what they think he'll do next, I say, "God knows, I don't know him anymore." And that's very bewildering to deal with. It's like there's another nasty person living inside him. I'm wondering if he was always like this, and I was blind to it.

Hard though it is, and wrapped up in the throes of their grubby affair, try and think that TCH and OW will realise that it's DSD2's holiday too, and as you say she's a mum, and he's a dad, so they will hopefully make it a good holiday for her. I imagine perhaps that OW will fall over herself to make "friends" with her, and TCH will spoil her rotten - it's a guilt thing.

The 21st thing - you've got a couple of weeks, so try not to think too much about this. If you don't want to go, then don't. Do a special thing for her separately with mum there instead. Everyone who matters and loves you will understand. You don't need to put yourself through anymore than you have to. As you say, see what unfolds.

The online social thing sounds great and just what you needed. I hope you make one or two good friends from it. I'm lucky that I have a large group of friends and half a dozen or so very close ones. When I lost sis, they were there for me, and they're there for me now. And it does us so much good to go out, have a laugh and fun. You need to do this, so it's great you indentified this need early and did something positive.

Of course DSD2 will be on your mind all day - but I'm sure she'll be fine. Try not to worry. (Easier said than done I know).

And well done on your IMFYIYIL shoes they sound like heaven. I have a gorgeous pair of spiky navy heels - my friends call them TT's (tart's trotters!)

Try and make the best of today, you're doing great.X

The shoes sound fantastic BAA! I see them in my mind's eye...classy, sexy and full of fuckme potential!

I am sorry to hear of your anguish...cos it is anguish. The sheer pain is sometimes unbearable. But we have to deal with it. I am finding my way through with humour, strangely enough.

I think not telling your DSD2 is really so cowardly. But then they are cowardly aren't they? ABCKF certainly is when it comes to my DC. Fucker!

The social club dinner sounds fantastic. I have started trying to do similar with going out to dinner with friends. But also in Brisbane, there are these MeetUp groups for people with similar interests. I have investigated that but am taking things slowly.

I think you are so amazing! You exude such class. Look how your DSDs are with you...speaks volumes to me.

May I say that I hope TCH and OW find chlamydia in their mislocation of underwear? Too much? Sorry but I hate TCH.

I hate all these cowardly feckers who think it is their right to fuck up our lives.

You have a good one today...as they say in the vernacular here

B&A what a twunty twunt of a TCM.

There seems no pit to which these twunts won't get into to serve their selfish ego's. For Fucks Sake, what does he think he's doing to his DD?

I don't think I could've held on to it tbh, so I applaud your self control, really I do.

It won't last btw. Any relationship which starts on such toxic soil is doomed to fail. For a start it doesn't have the blessing of his DC's or his DM - and you're doing nothing to make it any more an attractive option, you're not begging or pleading with him, having the hab-dabs at them, nothing.

I give it 6 months, tops.

I agree, Wisey, I really don't see this lasting. If it does it will be bloody-mindedness of the first degree and not happiness. DSD1 is disgusted and DSD2, well, I think she'll go along with whatever because she's a path-of-least-resistance girl when it comes to her Dad. But, hey, when TCH's dick is twitching like a water-diviner's rod next to a river there's not a lot that can be done.

This sounds really ego-boosting but I do believe that when TCH looks in the mirror he sees me looking back at him telling him he's a coward, a shit and liar. I told him this several times in the hope that those words will haunt him for ever. The irony is that if I am the one to each him a lesson, then some else benefits .

I played out a little scenario in my head last night while in bed (speaking of bed, I have had two full nights' sleep in the past week - we're talking progress ladies!). They break up, he comes crawling back with his worn out dick tail between his legs. Do you know, I would say "no". I could never say "yes" because I could never trust him again as long as I live. I know now that I'm not made like that. I wish I were but I'm not.

Saffy, you're so right that the change of personality is "bewildering". That's just how I feel sometimes, bewildered by the outcome of our marriage and his abject selfishness and cruelty. He is so selfish and I never saw it before in this way. I knew H was selfish in the sense that he's a bloke but I never saw his selfishness for the extreme that it is; it's a selfishness that I don't really comprehend. It would make me feel so wrong to be like that. DSD1 seems to have picked up on H way before me. Not so often now but I do wonder how I could have been so blind.

Anyway that's the past, the pain is sometimes the present (very much so during this past week but I think it's passing now) but the future is that I am doing a treasure hunt in a couple of weeks' time! On this social network thingy I've signed up to there's a treasure hunt in Soho which sounds brilliant. You get split up into groups of people (that I don't know) and then go off to find clues, items and solve more clues around Soho. Just the ticket if you ask me.

DrFay I'm inclined to wish for something worse than chlamydia as that can have silent symptoms. I want them to be overloaded with unmissable repulsive symptoms, positively syphillitic and overcome with painful red lumps, pus and madness of the worst possible kind. . I wish they would give us an "evil heh heh" smiley.

Just think, I now know what you're doing when you read this, K1, P1, K1 P1! Hey Wisey pick that stitch up, I remember what it was like when I learnt to knit!

Oops. Just ate a WHOLE box of chocs in one sitting. I don't have to share my chocs anymore.

Confession: I did give a boyfriend my last rolo a long long long time ago in a flamboyant gesture of teen love. Yeah - he was worth it.

Hi B&A, I'm still going through the stage of trying to work out whether my ex was always a selfish git, and I didn't see it, or whether he turned into one. I find I'm remembering things from the past, like flashbacks almost, which I used to make excuses for, but actually makes me wonder if it was him being selfish. I then think, "God, what a bloody prat I was not to see through it all". But I guess I loved him loads and we all make excuses for people. My mum said that she always thought him very self centred, and that I made excuses for him; I never saw it that way at all. But I still feel absolutely appalled and incredulous at his selfishness in the weeks leading up to his leaving. Like you, I could simply never do to another person/people, what he did to me and the kids. And that's the thing that is driving me on B&A; I know that I don't want to breathe the same air as a man who could do what he did.

Soho - at night! You be careful girl! Make sure you hold someone's hand!

B&A.

KNow exactly what you're saying. I do the 'was he always like this' (according to everyone else, yes), 'when did it go wrong' (painful, and not helpful really) 'did I make him do this' (equally, if not more destructive) 'why didn't I get out sooner, would we have still been together' etc etc ad infinitum.

I don't know if it's a gendered thing that we do this, try and find meaning, I guess not but maybe it comes with the territory of womanhood to try and fix things in whatever way we can. I don't believe that PTM, GG, TCM or LM do this - I think they compartmentalise this stuff because it's part of what being a male is - you know at some point in their childhoods they had to separate from their mother's and identify more with their dad's which meant giving up their vulnerable side to be 'strong' and 'competitive'.

All that's probably bullshit, but I try and take some life lessons from this whole thing - I don't want to make the same mistakes again, in some way I did contribute to this whole thing, it's never all one way. That's not the same as self recrimination - but I was ripe for rescuing, he was a rescuer and neither he nor I knew or recognised when I didn't need him to do that any more, so we kept on doing an outmoded dance.

I think you're still so early in this process, I can tell from your fantasy about TCM asking to come back. It's not only about being able to take the upper hand and feel vindicated in that it's also about being validated by the person who once held you in such high esteem - gradually you'll come to let that one go, and when you imagine it, it'll lose it's emotional grip on you, become less important and vital to your story.

I have so much admiration for you, joining the social network thing and getting out to meet new people. And your relationship with your DSD's sounds so solid and mutually nurturing. Younger DSD will be doing something with all that's happened. I know you'll be there for her when she's ready to show it.

Ooh, get me and my new life. Last night out on the town with my brother which was fun fun fun (he's back to NZ tomorrow ) but while he was here he put up a shelf . Tonight I was at Sadlers Wells with girlfriend, we watched a fab show after a great meal. Tomorrow morning a 7:30 breakfast with a City hunk. I'm dizzy with daft ideas that I am the fifth Sex in the City gang member.

Wisey it's interesting when you talk about whether or not you contributed to your marriage breakup. I've thought about this a lot and I did contribute to mine.

I don't mean this in an "it's all my fault" kind of way but I do recognise that it takes two to tango and two to breakup, even if what I did was to stop being TCH's playmate (for good reasons), even if what I did was to not realise that TCH was withdrawing from me (taking him for granted perhaps?).

There were a million little things that I could have changed if I had noticed, so did I not notice because I really wasn't that bothered in the end? I really am not blaming myself for where my life is today, I am not shielding TCH or making excuses for him etc. I'm just trying to figure it out because I want to learn for next time.

I don't want to learn to cling, I don't want to learn to panic if H3 withdraws for a couple of days just because he's being a bloke (ha, ha, H3, as if. Watch out Elizabeth Taylor, B&A's a-coming for your marriage record).

I do want to learn how to keep something amazing alive in the most positive of ways because I'm sure something amazing is around the corner. No idea what that looks like yet but it will happen and I will be ready inside. I can tell you that I am feeling fulfilled in a way that I haven't for a long time (could do with some physical fulfilment but that's for another forum I suspect!). People are telling me that I look younger, that I look like I'm not carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore and I do feel that.

What I really need to learn is how, when I'm in a relationship, do I keep me alive and fulfilled? How do I do the things that make me feel good AND make time for NewMan? When I'm in a relationship I tend to focus on home-making, cooking up a storm and having cosy evenings in so finding a balance between my inner Samantha, my inner Nigella and my inner Deborah Meadon will be my challenge. Not that I need to worry about that just yet.

B&A - really glad you've had some good times with friends/family. I remember the post discovery time as so wild. Every emotion was turned up to full - but sadly it was mostly shock and crying. You will get through this. I know it's a cliche, but repeating 'this too will pass' actually helped me when I was at my lowest. That and studying astrophysics - well reading the encylopedia. Just thinking about the unending universes helped me deal with my shit-for-brains husband in a more rational way.

I haven't read all the posts - so forgive me if I'm repeating what someone else has said, but what strikes me is your very low view of men in general.

E.g.

I was dumbfounded as being on his own is totally out of character for him (he is a selfish needy person, so a typical man then)

I was dumbfounded as being on his own is totally out of character for him (he is a selfish needy person, so a typical man then).

Actually, having a penis doesn't make you needy or selfish. I notice you have a 'philandering' male friend - does that mean someone who treats women like shit and lies to them? I wouldn't be friends with someone like that. Just as I wouldn't be friends with someone racist.

I think time on your own without this dickhead would be the absolute best thing to ever happen to you. You sound funny, intelligent and kind and there absolutely are men out there who are kind and genuine and support you in a crisis. Like fairies, you just have to believe before you see them.

Thanks for commenting Turquoisetumble. Just to clarify, and hopefully, not to sound too defensive but I really like hanging out with guys (platonically) and do. Most of my friends are guys so when I refer to "a typical man then" it's really just a throw away jokey line, the sort you make over drinks with the girls and the sort of thing I'd say to a guy down the pub. I know plenty of men who are not selfish or needy.

I actually think I need more girlfriends on my wavelength and that's what I'm hoping to find from the social networking site I've signed up to. And I promise you that philandering male friend is lovely and does not treat women like shit. He just likes shagging them and is open and honest about it and I get that but most important he's been there for me through thick and thin along with several other men I have worked with previously. All of them unstintingly kind, worried and there for me.

So let me join you in a round of applause for men, hell, if I didn't like the buggers so much I wouldn't be that worried!

Well B&A, I, too, have pondered this. Maybe I should have been more uh...I don't know...more independent? (that was one of the things that OW is. A bit difficult when you always have to deal with the children and cannot just up and leave them when you want.) But I have decided that it is a pointless exercise. I just go backwards if I do that.

I have found my girlfriends to be an amazing source of friendshipl, support and love. I am very grateful for them. Two of my best mates live away from me but support me tremendously. I do not know what I would have done if not for them. Epicfail and foggyfig I am talking about you!

I need to get out more, I realise that. But I guess I am still licking my wounds.

Please let us know how you get on B&A and you sound better!

Checking in again B&A. Will look out for you over the day.

How is your weekend going B&A? I hope you are doing well.
xx

Back to work for a rest today after a hectic weekend. I headed down to the house on Saturday and packed and packed. There is no longer any essence of me there. All of my bits and bobs are wrapped and packed. When you open a kitchen drawer or cupboard it is practically empty. All of this stuff was mine before we met or ours because I bought it so it comes with me. I hope when H is back from hols he will hurt every time he opens a door or drawer and sees that I am no longer there and I hope that he will realise what a stupid stupid thing he has done.

He was supposed to have done three things for me and left them for me to collect. He was meant to have put all of our digital photos, all of my scanned legal financial documents and all of the digital music on to storage for me. He had calculated it would take 7 DVDs but guess what? That?s all he had done. Just the fucking calculation. There was nothing there for me to pick up. So the twunt who works one day a week and has a cleaning lady to do his ironing etc, could not find the time in his hectic schedule to copy those documents for me.

He did find the time to cancel the gardener though. So the weeds are knee high. Now get this ladies, one of the reasons he cited for falling out of love with me was the garden ... yes ... you read correctly ... the GARDEN (that was close to the bottom of the barrel, just a bit higher than wrap-gate).

I had been trying to do it all and trying to do the garden while working full-time, while studying etc. He always stood firm on the fact that he had declared his hatred of gardening at the start of our relationship so refused to ever garden on the grounds that I ?knew what I was buying? (why the fuck did I love this selfish arse so much?). Anyway, the weeds and grass always grew faster than I could manage so the garden was never great but never terrible. So he told me that when he looked at the garden it depressed him. Of course I told him to do it himself or sort out a gardener, so he finally pulled his finger out and did the latter. Now I?m not there (and, more importantly not bankrolling him) he?s happy to watch the garden turn to shit and presumably because his happy hormones are keeping him so loved up he doesn?t get depressed anymore when he looks at it. TBH I doubt he?s ever there. I think he?s always at OW?s house.

I had dinner with friends next door on the Saturday night and the road is now on notice to make life difficult for OW (evil heh heh smiley). My neighbour said the right thing to me. She saw TCH in the car with OW and said: ?she looked very plain and dumpy?. I love my neighbour I do.

Sunday saw me bring the last of the things I want with me back to the flat. I left all the boxes for storage stacked and ready to go at the house and now I shall hire a van and my lovely nephew is coming down from Derbyshire just to help me. In times of adversity you certainly find out a lot about friends and family. We?ll take them to Mum and Dad?s and then we?ll figure it out from there.

I?m sure OW will have been in my house but I?m much happier knowing she won?t be able to look my possessions and mock or covet them.

And finally I e-mailed a long-time male friend a while ago who I always thought was a bit of a dish to tell him the news and we?re going out on Wednesday. I hope he?s still single ... he?s a bit lush and even though I do see lots of blokes, this time I don?t want to be wearing my platonic hat, if you see what I mean ... a bit of heavy-duty flirting is just what I need.

Sounds busy but productive B&A. I want all references of ABCKF out too.

Good luck with lushfriend , sounds like a bit of flirty girty would be just the thing for you.

And yes, you do indeed find out about the people around you. I have been so lucky with friends actually. And my dear family. I just wish they were not so far away.

Remember to update.

And take care.
xx

Just to say have a great day and try and keep focussed on work until your Hot Date tonight!

Will want to know the details of course......

Oh dear. Am having a sad sad day today and I have Hot Date tonight ...

Had breakfast with my dear philandering male friend. He has been by my side from Day 1 of this heartbreak and has been there with hugs and love for me and now I've said goodbye to him as he is moving abroad. I don't think I realised until last night quite how much I have invested in him emotionally.

I have bared my soul to him and I think he has been a substitute for H in my screwed up head and I shall miss him so very much. I think I've fallen a little in love with him and feel so very sad knowing that he won't be near by anymore which is stupid because we didn't actually see each other very often... it's just knowing that he was a cab ride away kind of helped.

Then DSD1 e-mailed me to confirm that it will just be the three of us for DSD2's 21st the Friday after her birthday. I shall sort out something lovely but everything's reminding me of just how much I have lost and that I am grieving over right now.

Plus I will be gone from the house forever tomorrow. The van is booked and that is playing on my mind too.

I am sure there are many other new experiences to come along, that I can't even imagine yet, to toughen me up but I don't want become too tough.

So somehow I need to stop the tears welling up, stick in the contacts and strut my stuff. This whole mind over matter stuff gets so boring and I just feel shattered.