Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

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I've had a day of no brooding or misery, yay! Took the puppy to a dog park where she frolicked herself to exhaustion, met other dog owners and have set a date with one of them to take both our dogs swimming together, baked a stupendous cheesecake with a speculaas base, went to a friend's photography exhibit, then sat out in the sun with the puppy to read poetry. Now about to phone my best friend.

This post probably has little to do with support for abuse survivors, but I feel I should mark the good days too. The normal, lovely days with no angry partner around. There is a life after abuse!

If any of you need a short break from misery, can I suggest a read of The god of Cake, which is filched from another MN thread? If your sense of humour is anything like mine, it will have you laughing out loud.

Love and resolve to all.

Hooray for you, Itsmeandmypuppynow I agree and feel that we should always celebrate the good days too, in fact I would actually say that it is a must!!!

Enjoy eating your cheesecake, I am jealous, but frankly today just too goddamn lazy to do any cooking until my DS comes home at 5 and am reading a book and watching tennis and just being glad that I'm not answering to anyone else anymore, with just a few obligatory wobbles inside, but good nonetheless.

Have fun!!

good to hear about the good bits girls!

I'm also having a not-bad day. Slept well last night, 2 of my 3 are out for the day (loving them all so much but tis nice when they're out!).

H is home, but just left the room after lunch as I was in mid-prattle....lack of respect here which I'm used to...I've accepted over the years.

Only today, instead of accepting. I opened to door to the sitting room, stuck my head round and said: I don't find your conversation very interesting either. And shut the door. I never would have bothered before.

Sad that I actually think that is a small victory - but it is!!! Let's hang on to our small victories....but not content ourselves with them...let's build on them.

Arghh! why can't he just fuck off and die?

2000 miles away and he still pissing well irritates.

Text message on my birthday:
HIM: did you get my tax back?
ME: no reply

Couple of days later:
HIM:have an offer on the flat (from which he owes me £10s of thousands) it's £30k less than I paid, what to do?
Me: let me know when the flat's sold, don't forget you owe me £x

Today:
Him: can I speak to DS?

Then of course I will call, because its DS and of course the C&nt will ask to speak to me. I've already had a teary conversation with DS about the situation today. I can't face the f*cker on the phone today. So I texted back Not at home, call you later.

This morning DS asked me why could daddy not be here? and Why could I not just pretend to be unhappy so he would leave me alone and not try and ruin things that make me happy?

Erm, because it's easier to just live happily, no pretending, without worrying if I'm being too happy and upsetting him.

DS says, I'll talk to him, he'll be nice to you if I tell him.

No love, it won't work. He is a nice person, but not to me. he likes to be mean to me and nothing anyone says will change that. Believe me I tried. I'd rather be with people who are happy when I smile, laugh and muck about, who get excited about birthdays, especially their own DS, and don't piss off up to london for the entire day, and not even call to wish their DS a happy 5th Birthday.

Gah, this is so hard! I'm buggered if I am going to take the blame for him not being here! Why the F do I have to do the gently gently explaining about why that freak is no longer welcome in my postcode.

seriouslynow the small victories are the glints of light at the end of the tunnel! It may be petty, it may be small minded at times, but it feels so bloody good to be able to bite back a bit, after so long of just putting up with stuff, or being too afraid to speak at all.

Hello everyone. So relieving to have found you all. I'm a namechanger (my regular name would be instantly recognisable to DH who knows I post on MN). I have been lurking with intent for a few days now and wanted to ask for your advice/opinions on my situation. I will try to keep this brief.

Ok, so this week (weds) I had my lightbulb moment when I discovered this thread (clicked on it by accident, but so glad I did!) and realised that my DH is an EA. God how I cried. I was devastated but it somehow gave me strength and I knew I had to get out for the sake of our two DC. I had been excusing a lot of his behaviour and modifying mine in order to muddle through because I thought it would get better. I have been dreaming of leaving him for a long time and this gave me my validation if you like.

I told him last weekend (pre-LBM) that I wanted to live apart as I felt we would get on better. He shouted me down. End of conversation. On Friday, post-LBM, I tried again. It was not up for discussion and he busied himself with gardening so as not to have to talk to me. He went out in the afternoon, and prompted by a conversation with women's aid, I quickly packed some cases and went with our DC to my parents.

He was clearly shocked and has done a lot of soul-searching this weekend. He wants an opportunity to change and wants to see a CBT as he knows he's got issues. I hadn't told him until after he said he wanted to get help that I felt he was EA. He genuinely seems remorseful and devastated at the prospect of losing me and the kids. He has been researching CBT online all morning and has found himself a therapist. I am back home now but I am not sure if I have done the right thing. I think I have mentally "checked out" of this marriage and have told him this.

Do your OH's know you think they are EA? Can he really change? Has it gone too far - I was so excited at the prospect of starting again. Is the man I fell for still there somewhere or has he always been like this? My family think the latter :(

Sorry this isn't as brief as i'd hoped and there is so much more to it. Thanks for reading.

Just want to get this out as have been stuck here with him all weekend. I went out friday night with a colleague and her husband to a do where the husband works, first time I can remember going out on my own, as it were, ever to be honest. Even suggesting it to DP about 10 days ago sent him apoplectic and ended up in me being told within minutes, to do whatever the fuck I like as I mean nothing to him. Well I went anyway, got abusive texts and phone calls all night, should have turned it off but would have made things worse if that's possible, was accused of all sorts, told I was dumped, not to come home because I disgust him and he'd lock the doors anyway, he didn't.
Have spent the rest of the weekend paying for my (quote) 'selfish actions', have been told I had no right to go out against his wishes, although when I asked him to stop yelling I was told it's a free country and he can do what he wants. He's kicked the kitchen bin from one end of the house to the other and thrown curry all over the walls, demanded to know how many blokes I chatted up and why don't I fuck off round their's and don't come back, he wants me out of the house, I've been lectured about how out of order I am and told I know I'm in the wrong and that he can't go to a hospital appointment next week now thanks to me as he will need me to drive back at least and he can't bear to be in the car with me. In between the ranting he's not speaking to me, and is shut in the bedroom as usual. My friend saw the texts on friday, she's lovely and a huge emotional support. This whole situation is ongoing and getting worse, I want to get him out but can't afford it whichever way I try to look at the maths I can't do it. So that is what happens when I dare to go out.

no they dont realise they being ea, and i doubt very much it will change no, i put up with it for nearly 2.5 years after ds was born, i left and went in refuge and have been in our own home nearly 3 years now, there are still some days i get all wobbly and wonder if i did the right thing, mouseface or littlemiss usually kick me up arse!! keep posting u r not alone xx

You can't live like this reasonstobecheerful.

Life can only be better if you get this guy out of your life.

The numbers WILL work, one way or another.

You have a right to a life, and you have a right to one free of this kind of crap.

Call WA.

Off to catch up but I am so sorry to those who have had a rough day..... be back soon xx

WhoDidIMarry my stbxh does not believe he is abusive, so I can't provide the perspective of someone whose partner is at least willing to consider he is responsible for his own actions.

I recommend you try and stalk / PM a poster called amverytired, whose partner has spent some time receiving counselling specifically designed for abusive men.

You say your husband is willing to consider CBT. That won't be enough. From everything the experts say on the subject (ask WA about it), the best chances of change come about if:

1. the abuser recognises that he and only he is responsible for his actions. No: "well it's partly your fault too". No: "I'll get therapy for my issues if you get therapy for yours".

1. the abuser spends at least two years in a quality group therapy programme for perpetrators of domestic violence -- not nicey-nice solo therapy where he will come up with excuses for his behaviour, and fancy new ways to psychologically abuse ^you. No: "I had a shitty childhood so it's my mother's fault really". No "I'll go to anger management therapy".

1. the abusee leaves the abuser for some time, ideally the time he spends in the DV perpetrators' programme.

If you haven't done so already, do please read this book. The author is a psychologist who works with abusive men. The book is aimed at you, though, not your husband, so that you can better understand the situation you're in and what to expect.

Good luck. You will be experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions. Do please keep posting here for help and support.

reasonstobecheerful there will be a way to get shot of your P, although you may have to consider being the one to move out rather than getting him out. He likes the situation just fine the way it is. By now you have probably sussed that any attempts to appeal to either reason or kindness on his part is doomed to fail. Call 0808 2000 247 to discuss your options. You are not condemned to this.

have been told I had no right to go against his wishes, although when I asked him to stop yelling I was told it's a free country and he can do what he wants

Yup, that's the abuser's mindset in a nutshell: you have to do what I want, and I get to do what I want. Maddening, isn't it? Especially the fact that they really believe it and will not see sense.

No-one should have to endure that bullshit. No-one.

The good day turned bad, I should have known better, even when they are gone, they still think that they can control you, still try to get at you, I sometimes feel that I will never be rid, don't get me wrong, yes I am better off without him here, but he still finds ways of letting me know who he thinks the boss is and still eats away at me

Sorry to hear that ((iampos)). But he's not the boss, is he? Not to you at least.

xxx i so know where you are coming from, i see my friends with thier bf and wish i had someone that would love me, who i could talk to share my life with etc, i am so scared to try and be happy but even now still wish there was hope iyswim, although i know i am better off alone than so miserable and sad my heart aches x

Thanx ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow

No not on a day to day basis, but still keeps trying to control his access over our DS, making last minute changes, making DS (nearly 5) call as he is not allowed to so then I have to be the one to say no, passing messages through him instead of texting me as the court order says, but:

a) I need his consent to take DS on hol to France, so am trying not to antagonise him

b) TBH I am still scared of him and try not to antagonise him

c) he tells DS what is going to happen so DS thinks it is fine and I look like the baddy on top of being the only one who ever gives DS any rules whatsoever

Tres

"I'm not angry with myself. I didn't do this but during the course of my relationship I have:

been spat on (in my face)

had my phone smashed on numerous occations so I couldn't get help. Phone pulled out of the wall. Police phones three times.

Hit (not beaten...just hit) on several occasions

Intimidated-body language...constant

Told that I am ugly and that no-one else would want me

Pushed so hard into a wall that I sprained a wrist

Nearly lost my job-couldn't concnetrate when repeatedly told that I am homeless

Ended up on anti-depressants-he nearly went to prison for threatening someone with a knife

Kicked out at 26 weeks pregnant

Told repeatedly that he would not look after baby because I had not been a 'good girl'

Took my bank card card and left me with no money what-so-ever for over a day

Told me that if I even try to leave with the baby he is going to slit my throat. This has been repeated a lot.

Please tell me that this really is abuse and that I'm not just being dramatic. This is off of the top of my head."

Every single woman on this thread has nodded in agreement at least one of these statements.

I have nodded at far more, as I'm sure others have too.

YOU CAN BREAK FREE.

In the deepest, darkest, lonliest part of your day, the first time he hits, the first time he rapes, the first time you find out that he is cheating constantly, the first time you realise just what this is, the first time that you are embarrassed, the first time that you want to break free, the first time you know this is all so very wrong........

We've all been there.

It doesn't mean that your abusive situation is any less important, it means that we all KNOW just how you are feeling.

We are all in this, together, one way or another.

I know that 7.5 years and 100 miles or so of distance is still not long or far enough but I also know that my DH is still here, through thick and thin, sickness, deaths, money issues, our son's health and all that he brings, family..... life, love and laundry.

Stay and talk, let it all out.

I'm away to spend some time with DH and Nemo who has yet again lost his last feed.

Night all xx

LOVE YOU MOUSEY XX

Tres...I have nothing to add to that and all of the good advice from others here...

Iampos, I know how you feel, had a relatively successful handover with the kids, my ex still does things to control invoking so much anger in me.

Welcome to new faces, sorry not much time to post.

Night Mouse - big hugs to you and cuddles for the DC's x
WhodidIMarry My X has been in one of those programmes for a year and hasn't changed one bit, sorry. PM me if you'd like to know more.
reasons Your P sounds and behaves exactly like mine when we lived together.
Breakfree X did the "BooHoo I am so ill " crap as well. It's good that you are recognising the extent of the abuse, as well as the fact that you did nothing to deserve it.
ItsMe Damn right you should post the good stuff! A nice reminder what's out there for all of us - a world beyond abuse
Hissy - deeeeep breath glass of wine and a massive raspberry to your X!

My X told me to shut up today in front of DD. I told him not to speak to me like that. He also called me an arse. I said he was a bigger one. He walked out, (as usual I enjoyed the peace) played with DD and then, unusually came back and asked if we could start again and be nice. When I refused without an apology from him, then stood my ground when he refused to take DD out wearing odd socks (FFS she is 3, who cares??) he rummaged for a pair, made to take DD out for the walk and said "Do you have anything to say?"

"Nope" I said
"Is that it" he said, at which point I said I was tired of all the flouncing and walkouts, and out they went.

He was much meeker when he came back. I was quite cheery as I hadn't allowed him to walk all over me. This is the way it's going to be. He's always tried to impose his will on me but no more. He doesn't get to come ito my house and order me around. He might not have changed, but I bloody well have.
Unfortunately I still love him (why FFS?) but that doesn't mean he gets to bully me. He really has gone through life thinking it's ok to have these attitudes. He thinks he doesn't have a responsibility to myself and DD because he doesn't live with me. I told him straight today that he does. I think along with everything else I threw at him, it was too much for his toddler's mind to cope with.

Ah well, tough, he'll have to learn fast because I am not having him treat me like a doormat ESPECIALLY not in front of DD.

Well done MadameOvary More power to your elbow, if that is the right expression.

Am feeling a bit calmer now, but mustn't calm down too much, I must learn to be more angry!

I was just so mad 'cos DS fell asleep in car on way home with x, 'cos x wanted to bring him home later than he should and then I had DS in tears 'cos he couldn't sleep, he said he had forgotten how!!, but if he has a little sleep it always messes him up, and he didn't sleep until nearly nine and he has school tomorrow, which apparently x is going to take him to, not part of agreement, but I feel forced to comply, but will be speaking to rather useless lawyers tomorrow.

sorry about length of message, must say am so glad to have found you all, it really does help reading all your stuff and feeling able to say my bit without being judged, family v. good, but full of, rightly so, disgust and anger to him and telling me 'you can't allow him to do that' ..........................I KNOW, but am still just trying to cope the best way that I can

xxxxxxxxxx

Hi.

Hi Pippilongbottom good name!

Iampos I feel your pain, DD is not a great sleeper and if she naps too late in the day she can still be awake at ten.

Hope lawyers pull their finger out tomorrow.

Hello Pippi

Thanks. A friend of mine called it me a few tears ago-cheers! I'm just perusing some of the links.