Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

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try again

WDIM-yes it is but I agree with Mouseface, your actions are valid & whilst you're doing all the necessary moves in place slowly you're clawing back that control. I know that once we're gone he'll try every trick in the book, legal & otherwise. That's why I want to have things in place before I move out with the dc's. Montbazens sending you big hugs it's so hard when we're always the ones picking up the pieces x

I have been distant with him since the weekend but I'm making an effort to warm up and be "normal". Whatever it takes, right? It a means to an end. Got to think of the kids.

Chin up mont :)

I'm off to put Nemo to bed, big day at a new hospital tomorrow. Lots of wobbles from me.

Will be around tomorrow afternoon.

I wish you all a safe and sound evening.

Take good care xx

Night Mouse, good luck with the hospital tomorrow. I can't get back to sleep now! WDIM, I feel your pain being civil towards him for the sake of the kids but still doesn't erase how annoyingly irritating i'm beginning to find the man! hope you all get a good night's sleep everyone x

good luck Mousey, see you tomorrow!

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

wdim. I also favour the long haul....read the above, the second part - Guidelines for Detachment. Wish I had read the first part long ago on how to recognise a LOSER! But for your purposes now it has some useful ideas on how to avoid antagonising him when you are separating....go all vague and depressed and boring, not angry or accusing. Could be useful?

««waves to all»»

seriouslynow I just read that link , thank you.
But really it's too late for that stuff when you have kids together, no?

Anapit, it is never too late. You only have one life, and your children also would benefit from being raised in a non- abusive environment....the more you practice detachment, the easier it becomes giving you the head space to plan what to do next.

Going back to catch up on thread now.

Thanks for that link seriouslynow, just had a quick skim but can notice a few traits straight away! well after pleaing that he too was ill with a headache & oh and also that he was apparently sick yesterday so had no energy to do anything pro-active like tidy up/look for his own place i've been asking him too! But he did have energy to get up and get dressed to go out with his friends at 10:30pm!!! Going to stay out the way today, don't want to be around once he's started on the birthday drinks x

morning all thanks for the morale boost... so difficult to deal with the hot and cold behavoir... was away sorting a preschool place for ds back in uk , so thats another thing ticked of my list.. no chance of moving till oct but gives me more time to sort more stuff out ...very annoyed this moen though... typically he been up all night wallowing in self pity and now it is morning has gone to sleep knowing full well he has to mind ds this morn while i go to hospital aarrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I think I have been spending too much time on this thread, as last night my dreams were all about how I had taken stbxh back and he was up to his old tricks. I felt so scared and trapped all over again.

Glad I woke up -- in the literal sense (this morning) and the metaphorical sense (in January this year).

It's a bad dream that you CAN get out of!

montbazens: minding DS while you go to hospital - HIS problem! He was stupid and irresponsible to stay up all night (MY X used to do this) and then sleep all day, at the expense of your plans? NO!

Get yourself ready, remind him that it didn't matter when YOU'D been up all night the night before with DC, you still had to get stuff/life done the next day, and that was not your choice to stay up.

Anapit: Many abusers ramp up when kids come on the scene, for a variety of reasons.

Precisely BECAUSE you have kids, you have to act, you have to do something and you have to get them to a place of safe learning. Away from a deeply flawed and sad abusive man.

Remember, you wouldn't have to up-root the family, if he was man enough to allow you to lead a normal free and equal life, without mind games, abuse and fear.

Puppy, I had HORRIFIC dreams just after X left. Dreams that actually bore no resemblance to life at all. dreams where he was attacking me, flying at me like a wild animal and trying to kill me.

They stopped when I changed the bed/room around. I also bought new duvet sets!

WDIM Agree long game - you need time to mentally prepare for what's coming and get the supports in place, as others have said.

Horrendous day yesterday - mentally and physically, not helped by X being useless as a wet paper bag. I have found out (from elsewhere) that he has someone else.

Pretty sure that nothing has happened yet, but his speciality is the Emotional Affair, so he can tell himself that he is being faithful

It is laughable as, should he enter a relationship with this woman, it will just go the same way as the last one. Spent all day veering between distress and relief and was so sick of the toll this took on me that I wrote out a Survival Plan to help me deal with the feelings and also a list of the things I would say to him when I dumped him. Went to bed, had fab dreams and woke up feeling much stronger.

Thinking of you all today, and thanks for that song Hissy - going to listen to it now.

Ladies, sorry to be a bore but MIL reminded me the other day that I need to get a will sorted. Especially as her darling DS and I are separated. And although I don't think she was saying it out of kindness (long story), it's a wake-up call as currently everything will go to H if I die.

Food for thought? Maybe you're all far more organised than me and are one step ahead.

MO - so sorry that your day was so horrific! Is he not already dumped then?

You could always play a little nasty... say you heard about his new crush, that's so nice isn't it? Then "I have to say I never believed in them myself, but lately, things have happened to change my mind and it's so much fun isn't it!" Cue girly giggle, and if you can muster a blush... go for it.

fumble, tell her you left it all to Battersea Dogs Home anyway!...

Hissy yeah, the nightmares: I had them immediately after leaving, back in February. X appearing in my room and night, me being unable to move a muscle and him saying "So, you though you could get away?" with clear intent to kill me. Fun times.

I mean, he has threatened to kill me if I leave him so definitely some link to reality there.

But last night's dreams were more a confirmation that I have made absolutely the right choice.

montbazens - about your son. He needs to be reassured time and time again that he hasn't lost his Daddy, Daddy loves him, etc etc. I believe it will make you feel better if you manage to reassure your son that he is not abandoned, or Daddy hasn't just disappeared off the face of the earth. Try to distract him, and talk about Daddy in a good light, chat about good things they have done, and when he will be able to do them again. I'm a bit worried that your son's sadness will drag you down and you need to take control of that for his sake. Remember you are doing this for him, as much as for you. He's little, he will be easy to cheer up and believe in the positive.

Morning everyone. Thanks for the link seriouslynow, the first part is quite chilling reading and I would consider my experience as not that bad compared to some on here :(

Anyway detachment it is. Acting depressed won't be hard and I'd already thought of making the problem all about me when the time for leaving comes so I guess I'm on the right track. It all feels so sinister but I know deep down that what he's been doing IS sinister. Very fucking sinister. My mum is coming with me today to sort out a new bank account (probably to make sure I do it!) and I intend to go and see my tenant before the end of the weekend to give him his notice. Once that's done there is no going back. That is the toughest part for me - I hope I've got the strength to do it.

Anapit no its never too late, especially if you have DC. Please, please don't waste anymore of your life.

Mouse hope everything went well x

What a bunch of absolute wankers.

I was last night repeatedly called 'a fucking miserable bitch' because, oh can't even be bothered to explain.

I phoned WA but it was very busy and then hung up. One step closer. Asked him why he felt it was appropriate to talk to me like that in front of the baby. The answer? He's a baby and he's asleep. I almost accepted this until I thought, then said, 'oh, so that makes it alright to abuse me like that then does it? as long as he is asleep?

Wasted my breath by saying to him that there is no way that the baby is going to grow up listening to him talking to me like that and if he continues he is going to be very sorry.

God, I wish I could just win the lottery or something!

Trestired: can he explain why he thinks he feels it appropriate to speak to you like that at all, baby or no baby?

I mean, I'm sure he does have a self-serving explanation along the lines of "you deserve it", but you don't. Nobody deserves that.

Being well and tryly rid of abuse in your life will surely bring you more contentment, in the long run, than a lottery win.

Don't despair about money: there are ways out there for you to make the numbers work. Just breathe, think, get advice, think coldly and clinically about the facts for a while and keep the emotional stuff for another moment in the day.

Hissy he was dumped, then I renegotiated (slaps self)
I don't want to play games tho'. Besides the fact that he has found someone else makes it easier in a way. I even think that if I suggested we split he wouldn't put up too much resistance. It's not as if we are in a romantically connected place at the the moment.
The relationship can't be saved. I read somewhere that once the abuser is awake to the abuse, the relationship is doomed. Thats where I am now. I can't go on like this. I have considered it but the consequences are too dire. Knowing that I deserve better, that DD cannot have this as an example...you get the picture.