Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

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Sorry, just to say that I meant this to highlight that Ps/Hs clearly do not love us for us to feel this way.

"It is better to have loved and lost than to stay with a psycho for the rest of your life."

maybe flippant but apt today!

Thanks everyone.

i feel the need for a rallying song....

Uprising - Muse

The paranoia is in bloom,
The PR transmissions will resume,
They'll try to push drugs to keep us all dumbed down,
And hope that we will never see the truth around,

SO COME ON!

Another promise, another seed,
Another packaged lie to keep us trapped in greed,
With all the green belts wrapped around our minds,
And endless red tape to keep the truth confined,

SO COME ON!

They will not force us,
They will stop degrading us,
They will not control us,
And we will be victorious!

SO COME ON!

Interchanging mind-control,
Come, let the revolution take its toll,
If you could flick a switch and open your third eye,
You'd see that we should never be afraid to die,

SO COME ON!

Rise up and take the power back,
It's time that the fat cats had a heart attack,
You know that their time's coming to an end,
We have to unify and watch our flag ascend!

SO COME ON!

They will not force us,
They will stop degrading us,
They will not control us,
And we will be victorious!

SO COME ON!

OI OI OI OI OI

They will not force us,
They will stop degrading us,
They will not control us,
And we will be victorious!

SO COME ON!

COME ON!

OI OI OI OI

Ok ladies. Need your advice/opinions...

I need to leave DH. I am not worried that he will turn violent when I tell him but I am not sure if he may do something stupid particularly where the DC are concerned. So, do I play the long game and put things into place so that I can just "go" in around six weeks time or do I be up front with him and play it by ear? I really don't want to antagonise him.

Those of you who have got out, how did you do it and what was/is the immediate aftermath like? I don't think he'll do anything stupid but I can't be certain. He is going to be (or at least appear to be) devastated.

Are you the one with the sister and a rental house? sorry if I'm confusing you

If you are fearful at all of his reaction at all then you need to go into stealth mode.

Call WA and get some help/advice on how to do it. I'd play the long game if I were you, sure it's hard, but it's something YOU get to control.

Oh he will be devastated, how could you reject HIM FGS!

Immediate aftermath may be choppy to make a total understatement, but look past this as a means to an end, be ready and prepared for the worst, hope for the best. We'll hold your hand the whole way.

My advice, WDIM - long game.

Mine walked out on me, no doubt expecting me to grovel for his return. I served him a divorce petition. He would not countenance being divorced so I agreed to let him divorce me for a quick result.

He flatly refused to fill in the financial disclosure form (we went to mediation, it was useless) and went on to finagle over finances, making them very complicated and protracted. I was, of course, an emotional and mental wreckage and incapable of clarifying the issues; he cost me a lot of money and came out significantly better-off.

I think it's best to take your time, act with icy clarity, and bed in all the support you can muster. Ideally, you want to be in a position where you know exactly what's going to happen, have everything in place and can afford to be moderately compassionate to his distress without being affected by it.

I've seen people here help others organise their exits; I'm sure the same will be available to you if you ask. Good luck!

Play the long game.

Personal experience: Set money aside. Got legal advice. Went to stay with sister for 2 weeks to get my head together and decide what I wanted to do (leave stbxh). Made my decision, told stbxh that I could no longer live under the same roof as him: did he want to move out of our house, or me? (Left him the choice). Our couples' counsellor encouraged him to "do the gentlemanly thing" so stbxh rented a flat while I was away. PS: He has used this to whine about how he has "gone out of his way" for me so now I owe him x, y and z .

I came home from sister's, went to final counselling session where I told stbxh I wanted a divorce, and no contact from him unless it was about the terms of our divorce. Changed locks to the house (with lawyer's and police's blessing). Got own bank account and had own salary paid into it. Got kick-ass lawyer. Proceeded to be harassed by stbxh, still professing his "love" for me mind you. Amidst new threats and complete disregard for my wishes to be left alone. Called cops. Pressed charges. Filed for unilateral divorce (had been foolishly hoping for divorce by mutual consent at first -- no chance). Stbxh shenanigans around divorce included having 2 court sessions postponed on the day of said sessions thus wasting everyone's time, emptying out our joint account on the day the mortgage had to be debited, etc. Pressing charges has also proved fairly fruitless: it took 4 months for the police to question him, and stbxh was not sentenced to anything.

This is pretty much where things stand now.

PS WDIM I am not in the UK so legal and police stuff for you will probably be different in the detail, although roughly I am sure that similar situations apply. Get legal advice! Ask WA for local lawyers who have experience of divorce involving abuse; it has made a big difference in my case, if only because my lawyer is a compassionate and experienced woman who gets what I am going/have gone through, and can anticipate stbxh's position on legal matters.

I think I know the long game is best but I just want it over. It's not me with the sister but I do have a rental property (my pre-DH home) that I can return to but I can't give the tenant notice for two more weeks, so I am potentially looking at ten more weeks here. I am concerned that by going behind his back it will make things worse. The support worker has suggested that because DH appears to genuinely want to change (for the record, I can't be sure) that I tell him that we have to be apart in order for it to work, so basically I am not leaving the marriage just the home. In reality I think I want out of the marriage altogether but is effectively stringing him along the right thing to do? I am obviously talking in terms of self preservation not morally.

Go slowly. Get as much advice as you can. If you give tenant notice and then change your mind then you may have only lost a few week's rent - if you can afford it.
If you think you are supping with the devil then you need a long spoon - physical distance. It may well lead to escalation but if you can keep yourself and DCs safe then it's a good position to sort things out from? Plan it like a house-move, change of job or whatever and have a quick plan and a slow plan. There is lots of stuff on WA site re minimum you need to take or stash away safely with someone else. The rest will get sorted via police or courts eventually if you have to do a quick flit

Be careful WDIM

Either way could set him off if you have an even a tiny incling that he may be unreasonable.

Could you go elsewhere sooner and then move into the property you rent out?

You need to get all of the DCs birth certs, your bank details/cards, any bills in your name, statements etc, driving license paper copy, wedding cert, all of that sort of stuff.

Is the mortgage there in his name with you owning the other house? If not, get those documents.

I think telling him that you HAVE to be apart for this to work is a good idea..... BUT, put these things into place first.

If your DC are of school age, I'd advise having a chat with school to let them know the situation.

Children can become dispondent when a family home breaks down and the last thing you need is for them to get in trouble for not paying attention if they're upset one day in class.

Tax credits/child benefit etc will also need to be informed if you are claiming any benefits, child benefit won't change £wise I don't think, you just need to let them know your new address.

Think of all the practical things that need to be in place first before you go and then tell him about what the suppport worker has suggested.

Maybe tell a very close RL friend too. YOU need some support in all of this, a friend with large ears, a small mouth and a large bottle of wine. xx

And yes, go slowly. Take your time. As much as you want to run for the hills from him, put things into place first.

I am fully prepared to walk away with nothing and have worked out that I can just about afford to support us without his help if necessary. I will look on the WA site, thank you notsorted. Should I/can I apply for any benefits now or do I have to be out of the house first? I was thinking I could apply using my mums address, where I'm probably going to end up anyway for a while. Is that fraud or will they take into account the abusive situation and the need to remain safe? I will only be able to save max £100 per month as we have a lot of debt, so I will have practically nothing to start again with and the house is now unfurnished.

Thank you mouse. DC are young (2.10 and almost 1) another reason for getting out sooner rather than later. I think the oldest is starting to become affected by what's been going on. I am on AD's now but have been very down lately and her behaviour has deteriorated recently.

I have already started stashing important docs at my mums but I just can't think straight at the moment. I am going to open a new bank account tomorrow.

WDIM - Does your mum know what's going on? You really do need a friend.

Have you looked on the Women's Aid Website

Or even have a chat with the CAB or a solicitor who specialises in family law. Just to know where you stand re the house etc.

I know you'd walk away with nothing, I can read it in your posts but you need to calm down.

Slow down. You need to do this the right way for all concerned. And that includes your DH, as much as you may want to scream in his face, it won't change anything.

It's over, you are going to leave and you have made that decision already.

Now all you have to do it put things in place. Slowly.

You do have a way to go yet but step by step you'll get there. Keep you head held high sweets.

Take your time xx

Ask Womens Aid for the answers to your questions, WDIM. I also thought it was a great idea to ask them for solicitor recommendations.

It's great that you've worked out you'll be able to cope if you have to do it all on a handbrake turn. That means your 'worst case' position is secure, as long as you're sure he won't be violent. Now is the time, therefore, to get your important documents together, marital finances documented and copies of all pensions, properties, shares and other investments. Don't forget stuff like cars and holiday homes, etc.

Do it slowly. Get at least one very trustworthy person on side and ready to help if needs be.

He may not be violent, but he'll almost certainly try to block your every move and to outmanoeuvre you. He'll try to manipulate you, your DC, extended family and friends.

How long has he been doing his therapy (the behavioural stuff)? Do you think it's likely he'll still be working on it in ten weeks' time? That may inform your strategy on what to tell him, and when.

This will look weird: you don't have a double-barrelled surname, both names beginning with the same letter, do you? I know these people are all bizarrely similar; it's just something you mentioned ...

On a lighter note, I was just talking about my exes and realised what I had in common with each of them:
XH#1 and I were both in love with XH#1.
XH#2 and I both despised me!

Funny, X#1 was supremely narcissistic but only moderately insane. X#2 was arrogant but came over as quite shy, socially. He was as weird as fuck. "Prince of Darkness", heh, yes!!

mouse my parents, brother and best friend now know everything. They are not surprised and always found him strange.

garlicn he has not started any therapy yet. He was full of it at the weekend but nothing mentioned since . And no, no double-barelled surnames here but both comforting and upsetting to know someone who has is in similar position.

Think you're all right - slowly, slowly catchy monkey Thank you all so much for your support.

"They are not surprised and always found him strange"

Thank you WDIM, you have made my night with that little gem.

WDIM - play the long game. I've had to re-arrange my plans as I stupidly left the phone on & let him talk me round to staying 'just for a few hours'....he's still here! Feel like crap tonight with a headache cue him playing nurse & offering to put dc's to bed whilst I rest-lasted 50mins until ds was ceromoniously dumped on my bed! He speaks to me like crap 80% of the time-other 20% nice when he wants something. Broke my heart earlier when I heard him putting dd to bed & she says 'night, i love you daddy :(

MissPixie it does break your heart doesn't it? DH is being suffocatingly nice at the moment and part of that is being super dad. I feel so terribly guilty about what's coming.

WDIM - It's soul destroying, no more, no less. You are losing the man that you fell in love with.

You life, your DC's lives will change forever. This isn't something that you do lightly. No.

This is something that has been eating you up for hours, days, weeks, months, years no doubt.

BUT - with that comes the confirmation in your own mind that you are infact, doing the right thing and this is not you. Your actions are valid and real.

He will always tell you otherwise but knowledge is power. The less he knows at this stage, the better.

This has to remain in your control.

god its so hard.... ive just spent the last few days away with ds.. not the most relaxing break.. i have have haveto change my life and get away but it is so heart breaking because i am still in love with the man he used to be .... so hard... and the whole time we were away all ds kept saying was " i want my Daddy ".... ( he 2.9)... so sad :(

Mont - this is NOT your fault. Of course he wants his daddy. He doesn't know or understand what you do about his daddy/your DH/P does he?

Sweetheart, please don't be so upset. You can't control this. This is guilt that you'll feel for a while but it's not caused by you.

If he was a superb father, brilliant partner, loyal lover, then you wouldn't be here.

He brought you here.

So, get a nice or and try to relax for a bit. xx