Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

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Barbiegrows:
I know that feeling 'if only I had done x or y'. I'm not there yet but beginning to understand that it's because he wants to blame you. Other men (possibly) would get a little bit cross but deal with it. He doesn't want to deal with it or can't see why he should. When they are in that mood, everything might have been done perfectly but they'd still find fault. And let's face it none of us are perfect especially with kids involved. Would you have let fly if he'd done something similar?
Hope that helps

My letter to the authorities would read:

I expressly ordered that my life would be a happy one, shared in the company of a happy partner. Instead you have sent me one that is miserable, stressful and full of conflict. It is also past its sell by date.
I want compensation and I want it NOW

Ok, I need to come clean.

I have just had major wobble, as MadameO will testify to.

Elsewhere we were discussing the heady beginnings of the relationship and then the descent into the madness of the abusive reality.

Her words hit hard (again no need for apologies MO, these are thoughts I have to get past) I could have written her words myself.

Now I am sat in tears, but a few moments ago, this is what I wrote:

I want to call him so badly and shout at him. I loved that man with every fibre of my being, i prayed to God that he would love me. Careful what you wish for eh? My love for him consumed me, I'd have laid down my life in an instant, without hesitation. His brilliance shone like a beacon. I had all that adoration, I wanted to be a better person, a better woman only for him. And look how he repaid that blind idiotic love. I'm howling here, howling at the stupidity, the waste, the anger at what he could have had, but chose to treat with disdain. I want to roar at him, to tell him what he had, but has now lost due to his disgusting treatment of me.

What would happen if I did call him? nothing, he'd say sorry, he'd say he didn't mean it really, and it'd be 'arush, arush' yalla yalla and it'd change nothing.

notsorted here asked how come I'm so strong. What a fucking fraud I am! I'm not strong, I'm just avoiding it all, hiding behind splutters of 'bollocks', quips, anecdotes and bravado.

I've clearly not dealt with any of this, I'm the reigning Queen of Avoidance, and am just repelling all thoughts of him, not calling him, not even for him to speak to DS. I go to the group and input on others. Input on other people's situations here and elsewhere, and while I do get some help in processing thoughts from 3rd party situations, I am not looking at what has happened to me.

So today I'm having a wobble, well actually it feels like the stabilisers fell off and it's a bit more of a crash.

I truly appreciate your support and kind words, but I'm not really deserving of them. I'm talking the talk, but it may be a while yet before I am walking the walk.

Slaps 'Don't Follow Me, I'm Lost Too' bumper sticker on own arse>

"What a fucking fraud I am! I'm not strong, I'm just avoiding it all, hiding behind splutters of 'bollocks', quips, anecdotes and bravado"

Fraud? Not strong? Not dealing with anything?

Well sorry but THAT is BOLLOCKS!!

You so clearly are dealing with things and fighting bravely on, from what I've read it sounds like you're doing EXACTLY the right thing in not getting into detailed conversations with the x - he'd only feed off the attention anyway and it'd be worse for you.

No no no - you are far stronger that you give yourself credit for and are doing incredibly well.

Dear PTB,

The puppy you sent me in lieu of the defective HusbandTM you previously provided me with is not the same type of companion as your HusbandTM model, but I thank you for finding a creative replacement, since you appear to have temporarily run out of stock on non-defective HusbandsTM.

However, I am still waiting for you to come and remove the defective HusbandTM, who is still currently taking up space in my life. Could you please address this issue asap?

Yours,

Satisfied puppy owner.

Thanks Bibi.

It's the feeling of being so monumentally stupid that really is so hard to take

Hissy: dealing with all this baggage and these emotions is being strong.

Having dealt with it already would mean that you don't have to be strong anymore.

So you see: you are strong. Deal with it.

Hissy what Bibi said. I could dish out advice all day long to everyone else but taking my own is another thing. You may not feel brave or strong but you are certainly courageous from what I've read. Maybe you should allow yourself to wobble or even crash for today. Fighting it won't help. Allow yourself a good cry, scream into a pillow, punch the pillow if you want but let it all out. Tomorrow is a fresh start and one day closer to the past. :)

Yes Yes what Puppy just said.

You were in an absolutely hideous situation which must have taken super human strenght to get out of.

You're dealing with things every day even if you're not always consciously sitting thinking about it - just by being alive and living your life everyday now that you're out from under that evil bastard is changing and progressing you for the better.

And lets face it, there is so much for you to process that your system wouldnt be able to cope if all the realisations, pain, new happiness etc etc came at once.

Repelling all thoughts of him? Great!! He doesn't deserve another minutae of your anything if you ask me.

Hissy ditto re: feeling monumentally stupid. The support worker I saw yesterday has invited me to join a (RL!) support group. She said they have a PR manager, a teacher and a HV among others. Presumably these are not "stupid" women. I am not what my stereotyped domestic abuse victim would be. I'm struggling with the feeling stupid part at the mo :(

"It's the feeling of being so monumentally stupid that really is so hard to take"

Yes it is hard, I agree and I get it in unexpected flashes of OMG I can't believe I did that/fell for that/believed that/wanted that OMG

And then I usually end up thinking 'sod it, it's a hell of a thing to have had to go through, but I did it, I'm out and I will get to be really genuinly happy in life now- unlike the retarted fuckwits who are now by the side of the road (metaphorically speaking only, pity :)) who will have to live with themselves forever.

"My name is Puppy and I am victim of DV.

Yes, I stayed, for 12 years. Because I have low self-esteem and few boundaries. I accept that it is my responsibility to fix these aspects of myself. I gladly give up responsibility for anyone else's actions.

But I am NOT stupid and I am NOT weak - far from it."

Its okay to have been fooled by them - they are so sodding convincing, and tap right into our deepest desires and needs

this is a very good blog entry, the comments of which contain that important phrase

"A control connection is not a relationship"

"In the beginning, he told me stories about the hardships he?d endured, and I thought I could be the one to show him what happiness felt like; I thought I could coax his mind away from the anger he held and fill his heart with love despite the pain he felt inside. I wanted him to have brightness and beauty in his life to rival the heartbreak and anger. I never thought I would become the source of his anger, the reason for his pain, or hatred"

That's my last relationship there in a nutshell. Still remember just how much I wanted to make his life better Never once stopped to think 'hang on, is this good for ME too'?

Hi,

Hope that anyone who read what I posted y'day realises that when I said

'but you know what I got bigger problems than them, so stuff them,'

what I was meaning was that I had bigger problems than them thinking stuff about me, not that my problems are any bigger than anyone elses, didn't want anyone getting wrong impression!

Hissy - my dear friend.

YOU ARE STRONG.

YOU ARE STRONG because you help others. You support people regardless of all the pain in your heart.

YOU ARE STRONG because you hold your head up high and put one foot infront of the other, even when you want to crumble and fall away from it all.

YOU ARE STRONG because you are here. You are here now.

YOU ARE STRONG because you can talk about your fears and your sorrows.

YOU ARE STRONG because you are taking the control back, you are starting to become the real YOU again.

YOU ARE STRONG because you can share your life with us here, you can show us the way out and you do it so well, you hold our hands when we wobble.

YOU ARE STRONG because you know the pain inside will die, it will go and you WILL heal.

YOU ARE STRONG because I said so! xx

@ itsme's letter to PTB.

Herhissy, you are not a fraud. You are just dealing with this horrendous situation. Remember what slaves felt when they were freed. They must have believed their bondage was normal, completely acceptable (sadly it was at the time). When men realised that it was uncool to 'hit a woman' (and it became illegal) they invented another way to keep us under control. And we haven't been fooled, we are just good people who fell in love with bad people. They made us believe that being controlled by your partner was normal and we believed it too, helped along by our mothers, aunties and grandmas who seemed to happily accept it too. Let's just make sure this never happens to our daughters and sons.

I have seen this in several highly intelligent men that I know (mine isn't one) but they seem to blind their not-quite-as-brilliant partners to their genius. These girls adore them, fall in love and what I see now is some very twisted adults and some extremely messed up children. But I would say the very smart ones are the worst. Mine thinks he's smart - he's very quick-witted, but not intelligent smart.

If it's any help, remember that most marriages actually fail anyway. It's not the norm to stay together forever and ever.

I can relate to that hardship stuff. After I'd heard the stuff about his 'mad' ex, how his parents were selfish and not interested in him, how he'd not succeeded because his ex had dragged him down etc, etc I sort of realised that he was like a dog or cat that however much you fussed, stroked, talked to would never, ever feel loved enough and because he felt so shit would enjoy biting the hand that fed him. Hope the puppy is more emotionally sorted.
And Hissy, don't feel bad. I feel crap about my own situation but am feeling better by joining in this thread. So I guess we all help each other and one thing we do know is that it is support we need and a listening ear rather than anyone kicking us up the backside to get over it ...
Sun is shining where I am, so that is a good thing for today.
PS would add a smily but can't work out how to do it

"would add a smily but can't work out how to do it"

press the square bracket open next to the letter P on your keyboard write smile or grin then press the button next to it to close the bracket.

Or do the shift button and the double dot button next to the letter L and then press shift and the bracket closed key that also produces a smile.

Do I win the award for most patronising instruction ever? [grin}

Sorry can't really think of anything positive to add, not feeling great so will sign off now, love to all, keep strong, but it is okay to wobble, jelly does!!

No Bibi but you do get a prize for doing a like that!

Here is another song snippet I have heard today:

"Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free"

Still lurking and thinking of you all.

Oh gawd, hadn't even seen that, trying to do fourteen things at once here.

I really am embarrassed now looking forward to o clock!!