Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

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I eat bacon too.

So does DS

We have bacon Sarnies every Sunday.... :-P

Mine was an italian trained chef - very good actually. so I had to learn to be good, or I'd get complaints. I got bored with egyptian food - it is ALL the frigging same after a while, so I'd do italian, chili. All good, I wanted to learn how to do indian, so I got a book and cooked the best ever Chicken Tikka Masala EVER, and some great lamb/spinach dishes. He tasted them when I was cooking them, but would he eat them when it was ready? NO. I don't eat forrin food.

You are an egyptian, in the UK, you cook italian and take us out for a TURKISH kebab once in a while... WTF?

In the end, I said stuff it! Food is there, you're hungry, you'll eat. If not.. more for us... and carried on as normal.

I was told to NEVER, EVER to drive in Ireland (BFF lives there, yep the Mental Institute for 5 years BFF) co-inky-dinky, much?

Guess where I'M going to take the FERRY to this AUGUST????

R O A D T R I P ! ! ! !

I thought today, in reply to the question what am I giving myself permission to do at the moment?

I am giving myself permission to say No.

I have, for the first time ever, stood up to my dad and NOT done what he asked me/expected me to do. Stuff him. De-friended him on FB today too.

Doubt he'll notice, he can think what he likes. he can come and ask me why. I have answers by the ton. he won't though.. He knows what I'll say. he has no defences.

I'm giving myself permission to:

be heartless,
be angry,
be selfish,
to hold him responsible for his actions,
to no longer try to "fix" things.

The other day he said to me, "I have no relationship with the dc's". Usually I would have empathised, given some suggestions, defended them, defended him, tormented myself with how to fix this.

My reply was: "your relationship with the kids is your own responsibility"

And the conversation ended there. Ha!

Hi Hissy, if I may call you that,

I just wanted to say WELL DONE, well done for Ireland, have a really great road trip, well done for saying no to your dad and quite frankly WELL DONE for everything,

I am now a 46 year old single mum to a nearly 5 yr old, as well as having been a single mum to two G-Up DDs, 23 and 21, mine not his, the most beautiful, loving, forgiving and supporting girls/women I could ever hope to meet, my DS now goes to the same school that they went to and I am quite sure there are plenty saying, 'something wrong with her, on her own again, but you know what I got bigger problems than them, so stuff them, I still feel nervous meeting new people, trying to make friends, but I am going to make it 'cos this time I am determined, no matter what. and I know you are going to make it too girl, no matter what!!!

I found this quote from Steve Jobs, CEO, Apple Inc 'Your time is limited so don't waste it living someone else's life'

Rather appropriate for us all, I think.

x:)x

Wooh, Seriouslynow, a huge WELL DONE to you too!!

x:)x

can i come hissy

"we're all goin on a summer holiday,
no more dick-heads for a week or two.

fun and laughter on our summer holiday
no more wankers for me or you,
for a week or two."

We're going where the sun shines rarely,
We're going where the sea turns you bluuuuuue..."

All together now!

Seriouslynow NOW you are cooking on GAS love! Go girl!

I had the same, but (naturally) it was HIS happiness.

X: Are you going to be able to make me happy when I come to UK?
Me: Erm, you were happy enough here before, you lived here since 1988...
X: yes but Are you going to be able to make me happy when I come to UK?
Me: Your happiness is your responsibility, I can't MAKE you happy, anymore than I can fly to the moon. We are all responsible for our own happiness.

God only knows what depravity he expected to MAKE him happy. I never asked.

I am in love with you all
especially Hissy :)

Just sayin'.

'Morning all!

The "make me happy" realisation was one of my turning points: I had long known that he held me responsible for his anger ("It's your fault, you made me angry!" was his excuse for any unacceptable behaviour on his part), but one day I also realised that he held me responsible for his happiness too -- and therefore allowed himself to be angry at me all the time because if he wasn't happy enough, then clearly I wasn't doing my job right (in his mind).

I realised the equation went :

VIOLENT ANGER over trivial thing (and I mean trivial)
...because abuser actually feels deeply wronged or even attacked
...because in his loon mind, I am supposed to act a certain way in order not to upset the balance of the illusion he needs in order to feel OK.

Such craziness. They are loons.

Hello everyone

I'm new to this thread although I've posted about my abusive relationship before.

One of the things I'm really struggling with is the communication I still have to have with stbxh because of DD. At times it's bordered on harassment (begging, sending love poems etc) and at others he's continued to be abusive via text and email.

I never know what sort of tone to adopt or approach to take. At the moment I feel like I'm having to bend over backwards to keep him happy (where have I heard that before? ) with visits.

He's moved 4 hours away so visits aren't very frequent. It also means he needs somewhere to go with her. I hate having him in the house (he's used these times to insult me and my family) but he's rubbish at entertaining her anywhere else (apart from the beach which is useless if it's raining). She's only 14 months btw. I don't feel like it should be my job to suggest places he can take her or things he can do with her (of which there are several but it just annoys me that he can't use his own bloody brain).

He's due to come down this week and has suggested coming over at around 5pm on Thursday to "see her having supper" and then to take her out for a couple of hours on Friday morning. (I've no idea where he'll be staying and it's very unlikely that he'll tell me). If I agree to this it means having him invade my space (it's a very small open plan cottage which makes it all feel more intense). Friday morning sounds good. It would mean being able to get the dog out for a really good walk and get some cleaning done. It's just the Thursday bit.

If I object then he'll say I'm being unreasonable. He's already accused me this week of trying to split him and DD up. (Not sure how I've done this as I've always been more than accommodating).

I just need this to go away. I need it to get to the stage where visits are straight forward and communication is just about DD (which I've requested several times but he still manages to make it about something else).

Will that ever happen? How can I gain some control over the situation and stop feeling like I'm still having to keep him happy?

Sorry for the long post

Hi leo,

it certainly sounds like he's still abusing, or trying to. But you're doing the right thing - keep as detached as possible.

When he says you're trying to split him and dd up...remember this is pure abuser's tactics, he can't find much ammunition to criticise and control you these days so he's using this. Don't engage. Don't defend yourself. You no longer have to PLEASE HIM....you lucky girl!

Though, of course you do have him as dd's father. hmmm.

Am sure the others will be along soon to give you more advice.

Hi Leo is there a contact plan that can be made and stuck to to the letter so that he can't manipulate you around contact with DD?

And could you stop offering him your house for contact times so that he has to take responsibility for coming up with his own plan? Ignore his indignant outrage if you impose this: you are being reasonable.

Could he be expecting to stay over at yours on Thursday night? That point should probably be clarified. Entitled people "expect" a hell of a lot that you might not even consider since to you, as a normal person, it would be clearly so unreasonable... (example from my own experience: I tell stbxh that I want a divorce, in front of a witness (our couples counsellor), as I am now physically terrified of him given his threat to kill me, among other things. A couple days later he announces that he is popping over to mine to cook me dinner and use my washing machine to do his laundry. And then gets indignant when I refuse. WTf'ingF goes on in their minds?)

Agree with seriouslynow, he is just using access as the only method he has to make you miserable.

With respect, your DD is 14m old. So hardly THAT much interaction possible, she's still chasing shadows and following bees! (aw, I love that age)

We are all guilty of over-accommdating. The old adage Give an Inch and they take a Mile, is apt here, as abusers have an inexhaustible need for demonstrations and proof that the sun the moon and the stars all revolve around them.

Leo, you made the break, you are free of this bully. YOU get to call the shots in your life these days. YOU! Not him, YOU.

If the 'Watching DD have her tea' doesn't suit you. Say NO. It's OK to say no, as you know he has the following morning with her. Tell him you don't want to overly excite her before bed, or she may not settle well that night and then would be grumpy for him the next morning

If he fights that, say her well being is of paramount to you as a parent, and while you are sure HE may want you to drop every routine you have so he gets to spend whatever time suits HIM with her, there may be repercussions for YOU or for HER and that is something you are not prepared to allow.

If he continues to get arsy, say fine, I am as flexible as you wish for access, given the sporadic nature of his visits (sly dig there ) but if he rail roads you and bullies you into doing things that are counter-productive for the development of your DC then you'll happily get access visits formalised to the first weekend in the month, regardless of his life and plans.

At the end of the day, you (and we all) need to realise that these people are agressive, nasty and manipulative bullies, not out of absolute power, but out of absolute weakness. Weakness of spirit, or mind and of personality. Once you realise that they are all BLUFF and bluster, and that YOU are in the right and they are insane, it's a lot easier to stick to what you know is right.

If he escalates this and gets physically intimidating, don't piss about, come down on him like a ton of bricks, call the police, go to the HV, the Dr and tell everyone he threatened you.

Be like a Mumma Bear, a hissing cobra, pull yourself up to your full height, puff yourself out, make yourself larger than you are and stand up for your little one.

You need to realise that actually the LEAST amount of time your DD spends with him the better, the last thing she needs is to be taught that he is the marker for how men treat women. Tell him that if you really have to. That is a back pocket weapon, that'd sting, but use it when you need to.

Puppy! I am spluttering with indignation for you! WTF do they think?

Like he's doing YOU a favour? [twat]

Morning brave ladies.

Leo - my DD has a different father to Nemo (my DS with Complex SN) and obviously, there has to be some level of contact between us. DD is now 12 so it is much easier as she will talk to ShitForBrains rather than me having to.

Thing is, at the start, he would come round on the pretense of wanting to see DD. At midnight.

He was married and in the end I threatend to call his wife and tell her what he was trying to get up to unless he fucked right off. Amazingly, it worked. But there was a lot of "let's have another baby, let's try again, let's just be fuck buddies then"

But, there was a time when I felt that maybe I should keep him happy so that he didn't try and take DD away from me. I was scared to death that he's take her. I'd be sick and shake for hours when she was out with him, scared I'd never see her again and he'd take her to hurt me.

You know, single mother, living in a Housing Association property after being in a hostel, on benefits, only working a few hours a week, no permanent father figure in her life................

Anyway. It got to the point where I thought actually, why am I doing this for him? Surely DD is the one that matters in all of this and that's what I told him, that from now on, we only talk about DD, no calls, texts, visits.....

You come and see DD when we arrange it and you stick to it or I will make sure that you don't see her, come pick her up, take her out etc and that's where the contact ends. It has to be regular and it has to be for HER.

She is now at the point where she doesn't want to go and see him that often because she is growing up, has other interests, wants to stay with Nemo and help look after him. She's not daft and has asked why we split.

I haven't told her that her father was shagging anything with a furry front bottom within a 20 mile radius of where we lived. I told her that we didn't love each other anymore and that it was better that we didn't live together and be friends, than be together and be cross and unhappy all of the time.

Maybe, when she's older, if the need presents itself, we'll talk about the other reasons we split.

The thing is though, now that she is moving forward in her life without him, he is clinging on to every last moment with her. He has other children in their 20's and his wife has 4 children and a granchild too so his life is busy!

It will get better as she grows up Leo, it will also get different.

Has he got a new partner? Or, more to the point, have you? Sorry if you've already said, I kinda skim read your post.

Oh, and welcome x

Oh, and what Hissy said.

LOVE the idea of a road trip Hissy!

Absolutely wiped out today. Have had very little sleep, was up doing "research" and writing an "evaluation" all in all till 4.30 am, then had trouble getting to sleep as I have hideous backache right now.

Feeling nervy, edgy, but really ok. I am going to have to limit my time at the laptop tho.

Leo I had this when X left me for OW - I used to have a friend drop her off at his - appreciate this is not suitable for you. I also read somewhere on the internet that the way to dissuade a narcissist/abuser is to pretend that you are delighted to see them because they can look after their child while you go out looking drop dead gorgeous (and flushed with excitement) to an unspecified meeting.

They will not want to enable your happiness!

Simplistic but maybe worth a try?

Thank you so much for your wise words

I don't have anyone new (it's only been a few months since the split) and I've no idea about him (one day he has, one day he hasn't). MadameOvary that would be disasterous unfortunately. He is already obsessed with the fact that I'm seeing someone new and many of the recent emails have been about DD 'having a new daddy'.

I'm starting to think I need to be really strict about setting up the next visit while he's here each time and insist that it's stuck to. I know he'll not like it because he seems to change his plans at the drop of a hat.

DD's not been very well over the last few days with D&V so I could use her lack of appetite and tiredness as a reason for him not to come over.

Mouse I know what you mean about the fear that you'll never see them again. I hate him seeing her here but also hate not knowing what's going on when he's out with her.

I need to go out now, but thanks again. I'll be back later

I have used D & V as an excuse for DD not to see him in the past. He wont want to be cleaning up mess (well mine didn't) You could say something like "I was getting DD ready and she was sick all over me" or something.
Is she clingy? You can use that as an excuse as well.

Or if you are feeling strong enough, just say that the visit will have to wait for another day as DD needs rest.

Hope your DD is feeling better soon.

I have used D & V as an excuse for DD not to see him in the past. He wont want to be cleaning up mess (well mine didn't) You could say something like "I was getting DD ready and she was sick all over me" or something.
Is she clingy? You can use that as an excuse as well.

Or if you are feeling strong enough, just say that the visit will have to wait for another day as DD needs rest.

Hope your DD is feeling better soon.

Does anyone on here watch glee? I have all the CDs and there's one song that resonates so much with me at the moment. I don't know how to do a link here but it's the one about feeling so damn unpretty. The second verse gets me every time "why do I look to all these things to keep you happy? Maybe get rid of you then I'll be back to me. " Actually the whole song does it for me, sums up just how I feel when I look in the mirror.

Stuff my ex has done: wanted me and DD to go out so that he could see DS at ours ...wtf?
Either says his place is too much of a mess or DS not comfortable there, then suggests he'll have him for four days at a stretch.
And best of all has offered me money to get out of DS's life but that was after him demanding money to look after DS. Man what kind of place is this guy in?
I just want rest of world to see him for what he is .... or hopeless thought that he gets someone to tell him straight what a wanker he is being
Trying to keep frustrations under control today and wondering if it is better to get really angry or really sad.

OMG -

It's originally by TLC. I love that song.

I too have used D&V, parties, illness, even head lice (XP's wife is a hair dressers at home, he built her a salon in the house) as reasons for DD not to go when she said she didn't want to when she was younger.

It's hard. But IMO, you have to listen to your child and do what's best for them, never you or your X.

Oh dear how do I stop normalising this? I find I am very quickly finding ways to distract myself from our situation and NOT say what needs to be said. I talked it through with myself yesterday, I have all the explanation in my head (had it there for years) but... I know I'll do it, I just don't know where it will lead.

He's just been made redundant and I'm starting to see things from his perspective again. It's going to be so hugely complicated to separate but it has to be done. How am I going to get my head round this? There is a new era around the corner for all of us. New schools, new jobs, possibly new homes. Somebody said she got a picture in her head of how she wanted things to be and stuck to it. I can't find that picture. I keep thinking - I'll have to move out, find a small flat with the kids to rent (we're in London), have no space to put stuff (our house is FULL).

But he was an arse again twice yesterday, failing to pick up where I left off. Basically if there's something he thinks I should have done and I didn't (because I had an important test on and couldn't be there) he makes sure he does it badly. This happened yesterday and who was the fallout? DD. She was the one who had a bad day. That one worked with me - I reacted. The second incident was more my loss than anyone else's, I didn't react, and I could palpably feel OH was waiting and wanting me to.

But I can hear a voice in my head saying "you should have prevented these incidents by making sure all was prepared and he didn't have to do xx or yy." but I did the backup calls, the reminder call the getting clothes out the night before thing - oops missed the socks - (sorry this is SO boring).