DH went to strip club last night. 3 dances. Am I stupid & naive to feel so sad about it?

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DH came in at 5am last night. I was relaxed about it as he only goes out infrequently (every couple of months) and I trust him (or should I say, I USED to trust him).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, after initially lying to me, I discovered he went to a very swish and expensive strip club in near Mayfair. He had three dances.

I am upset, I keep imagining gorgeous girls dancing for him, wearing next to nothing and then my DH handing over money to them for the pleasure.

What do others think about this?

i have known quite a few strippers, had 3 as gf's, lived with 1 for a couple of years, had porn stars stay at our house, and I can say without a shaddow of a doubt, i have never met any female in that industry who was not raped, beated, and humiliated at some point in thier life. I've been to strip joints, and I've paid for some very intersting and erotic private shows, but knowing how hurt these people have been just makes me shudder now.
My ex tried to explain at the time that she was in control, and taking advantage of the men, and it was her way of getting back at all the men who had hurt her. Now, like all of them I knew or know, she lives alone, is depressed, and has a pretty misserable life. My heart goes out to her, but it belongs to my wife.

but thats not what this thread is about.

its one thing to wander into a strip joint as a single young man innocently and believe the girls are horny for you.... its another thing to go in there as a married person................... then there is staying for 2 more wanks (because thats what they are), but staying out till 5 am with no call????? is he really married???

But the lying? that takes the cake. Im not saying that you should divorce, but if he thinks its ok for one partner to lie about things like this. it sounds like he has borderline personality disorder.

Take him up on his offer, but instead take the credit card he used for the wanks and pay for a really nice hotel for a week.

And before you ask, Im not a prude and neither is my wife. this is not about prudishness, its about abuse, and its about lying, and taking a partner for granted.
A bumpy road indeed...

Superb post imo, lubbermummy. And yes to the "happy sex worker" myth. Actually, not 100% a myth - I know some women who really did live safely and well on it, but they are very few. And they, too, had sexual abuse in their backgrounds.

"the suggestions I pack and bag and leave. WTF!! I have an 11 month son with him and, more importantly, I adore my DH!"

erm, your DH has an 11-month son and a wife that loves him, and he is shoving money into someone elses knickers? So you have to be grown up, and he doesn't?

You are treating your relationship with respect. He isn't.

actually, in my orriginal post atempt it was raped, abused, and beaten as adolescents, because thats where most of the damage is instilled, as becoming young women. just makes it that much sadder

Is he a mind reader? Is he supposed to know that it would upset you?

Ever seen the Chippendales?

if anything the financial transaction makes it worse to my mind dittany - he's spending his families cash on this.

Oh I love a lap dance thread on MN :)

Deep breath.

if he did not know it would have upset her, he would not have lied about it, plain as that.

Im not sure he will answer dittanys question set... but it certainly was a good one, for NOT putting your mind at ease.

Im pretty sure if a greezy shaven man was rubbing his shaved nut sack (clearly not me as I dont shave) at my wife and she was not telling me about it, i would be a wee but upset. who TF needs to be a mind reader for that. geese and ganders etc.

if its something you want to do together like watching porn etc, thats a whole nother ball game, but it doesnt sound like he envited you to his stripper wank fest... you shouldnt invite him to your hotel.....

prince hump, was that at edniburgh festival? love geneane! wrote her a song.

oh, yeah, were you sat next to me? trippy!!! my wife was there too!

robalmighty tells us to deal with it.
Rob, are you that fat bearded divorced wanker on Plenty of Fish who used to keep emailing me?

Dittany, you asked what I held back saying in my first post.

Is that what he means by most men hide things from their wives (paraphrasing)? Has he paid for sex? Does he ever intend to? Because as far as I'm concerned paying for a lap dance and paying for sex are in the same catergory of using women for their bodies. Does he plan on taking your son to strip clubs when he's older? Maybe on his stag do, as that apparently makes it alright?

I know, I know, I'm such a prude But I would leave my DH in a heartbeat if he did what your DH has done OP. Because how could I stay with a man who has no respect for women, therefore no respect for me or our daughter?

and the money is good, especilally for the men who stay.... they are the hooked fish.... more likely to get a 3 time lap dancer to pay for extras, progressivly more extra as the night goes on.... its just how it works.... this is why "its one thing for a young man to walk in innocently thinking the girls actually think he is the bees knees, its another to stay all night, getting offered the extras....

I wish you lots of luck on this.... and I know princeH does too.

To me this is cheating and would spell the beginning of the end. I know many people would say that's a big over-reaction, but I would lose respect completely for the kind of man who wanted to do this.

Paying for it is a side issue, I think. The issue is what actually happened - and that is, a married man had sexual contact with another woman.

It's so sad how often this comes up on here.

It's undeniably true that many women who work in the sex industry have suffered abuse. But it's also undeniably true that clothes we buy from Primark and Nike and god knows how many other shops have been manufactured thanks to child labour, in conditions we would be horrified by and would do anything to prevent our own children having to suffer. That doesn't stop nice, normal people buying products from these companies. I doubt that many of us could face up to the realities of working in an abatoir, it doesn't stop us from eating meat. We spend god knows how much money on luxuries we don't need, when our money could be much better used by being given to charities who help people living in poverty.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to say, I certainly don't think I have the answers and am really interested to read all sides of the debate here. I'm just not sure it's right to declare all men who go to strip clubs as shockingly bad people because they are perpetuating an immoral, inhumane system when in fact most of us do the same thing one way or the other. Maybe it's very different when its sexual though...I'm honestly not sure. This is an issue I'm still trying to decide where I stand on myself.

"Lapdancing bars are the tip of one extremely nasty iceberg which ends with women and children being trafficked and forced to have sex with dozens of men each day. The bit in the middle is the slippery slope and there is absolutely nothing harmless about any of it."
So lapdancing bars are the tip of the iceberg? What about 'normal' bars that employ attractive female bar staff? What about Hooters? Are they part of the iceberg, or something else?

"I guess you'll be taking your mates to proudly show off your daughter when she is performing lap dances with her naked crotch in their faces. After all, it pays well apparently, so why not encourage her into it?"
Now why would I do that? Would I encourage my daughter to have boyfriends and have sex with them? No. Will it happen? Yes. It's not a part of her life that she should be sharing with her parents, at least not that openly.

I'm sorry but I think there are some people who have a real problem with men. As for men that claim to not enjoy looking at attractive women other than their wives, I think there's real problems there. Anyone that is that repressed about their sexuality cannot be healthy.

If you put men on a pedestal, you will only face a life of repeated disappointment as we fail to live up to your expectations.

Yes Rob dear.

I hope that I haven't given the impression I'm ok with the sex industry - I'm not. But there are two facets to OP's problem, the lapdancing and the disregard of her feelings, I was just concentrating on the second because maybe it's more immediate to her.