DH went to strip club last night. 3 dances. Am I stupid & naive to feel so sad about it?

[bail]

DH came in at 5am last night. I was relaxed about it as he only goes out infrequently (every couple of months) and I trust him (or should I say, I USED to trust him).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, after initially lying to me, I discovered he went to a very swish and expensive strip club in near Mayfair. He had three dances.

I am upset, I keep imagining gorgeous girls dancing for him, wearing next to nothing and then my DH handing over money to them for the pleasure.

What do others think about this?

Agree with every word of SheCutOffTheirTails's posts.

Bail - your second post makes him sound worse, not better.

I'm shocked by your second post. This man has no respect for your feelings, he has lied before and will again and has just justified this to you by saying other men dont tell their wives everything.

Sorry but that is so not true - if my husband wanted to go to a strip club he would ask me and respect my opioin on the issue. not go, do, lie to you about it then tell you he is going to do it again!

Sorry i think your a bit deluded if you think he will change.

Also if it was me i would be worried by that statment and what to know what else he has done that he is not telling you.

So he's behaved badly and because you asked for advice he thinks you should be the one that packs your bags? Sounds like a charmer!

I'd be livid.

I agree with custardo, I'd be making his life hell for a bit because if you don't he will do it again and where do you draw the line of what is acceptable?

Um why would YOU be packing a bag? You've done nothing wrong.

So he still thinks it's ok? But just on a stag do Would it be ok for you to do the same kind of thing and not tell him? Ask him that.

"His response... Why don't you post to see if any of the mumsnet clan will take you in?"

Those aren't the words of a loving man. They're the words of an arrogant shit.

That's all right then, isn't it!

Sorry, but I think his response stinks. He says he won't do it again, except on the stag do. So, he will do it again. Knowing how you feel about it.

You say he's a good, honest man. But he says it's normal for men to keep things from their wives.

And you're happy now? You must be incredibly well off if he can afford three dances in Mayfair. So I assume you are happy enough with other things he provides to overlook this.

Sorry if I sound harsh - but you need to realise that your feelings count, and his justification is patronising and belittling.

OK i have just read this to my DH for some male opioin and this is what he said....

"Dont tar all men with the same brush, if it was a stag do then you would discuess it first and you can have a drink with out paying for a dance, if it wasn't a stag do then he is pretty sad any way. To the comment of which mner is going to put you up your respons should have been "Which striper is going to put you up, me and the kids are staying in our home, dont let the door hit you on your way out".

Like the sound of your DH Ewe! Can you clone him so we can all have one?!

at second post!!! Christ, charmer isn't he?

Most men keep things from their wives??

I'd have kicked him in the front personally.

Did he go on his own or with friends? I wouldn't be best pleased either way but would be particularly annoyed if he just decided to go on his own - it would suggest he does stuff like that all the time.

And your recent conversation suggests he thinks women are very much beneath men (if the lapdances didn't already) and that he's not going to tell you anything in the future anyway.

"Except on a stag do"????? What?
My DH recently organised a stag do for a friend and they went surfing for the weekend and drank a lot. No women/paid-for sexual activities involved at all, and no complaints about that from any of the 25 men who attended. It wasn't even discussed. The one idiot who emailed my DH to say "who's sorting the women and the substances, then?" is a known twat and was resoundingly ignored.
Ie, it is NOT normal to go to lap dancing bars, whether you are on a stag do or not.
And no, most men do not keep sordid secrets from their wives and girlfriends. This is a myth perpetuated by sad men whose sense of entitlement is out of all proportion.
Your H is a total twunt, I'm afraid, and is showing you zero respect.
Three dances? FFS. What a disappointment and a horrible blow for you, OP.

Youd husband sounds like a complete tool. If thats the way he treats you and speaks to you...what is there to love about him? Honestly? Is he this respectful to your kids (if you have any, not trying to be presumptuous)?

The man clearly has no respect for women as its fine to lie to his wife (every man does it...wtf?) and pays for the use of their bodies. What a catch.

I feel fairly difrently though. I dont find it strange that he went to a strip club I have gone myself and it was ok no big deal what i find sad is that he lied about it. In America at least among my friends we have gone to a strip club on nights out and have gone with my dh once as well .
I think its stupid to end a marriage over this but i think you should take zero tolerance towards dishonesty.

OP you are deluded.
He in NOT a nice honest man and you should not be trusting him on this.
Of course he will do it agiaan, and again and agian and not just on stag nights. Believe me there will be many other excuses on why he has has lap dances. He has admitted this.
He has no remorse and absolutly no repsect for you for you or your DC's. He is a prise NOB.
Disgusting vile excuse for a man.

What this man is saying is that he is a man and the most important person in this relationship. He will do what he likes and as long as he is earning the majority of the money, you'd better get used to it.

Worse will follow now OP. Are you prepared for that?

How is paying a woman to dance "buying her"?

If you pay to go and watch Take That sing are you "buying them"?

How about if a group of guys goes to watch Girls Aloud?

How about a Burlesque show? Where do you draw the line?

Women have the right to have men rub up against their crotches for money, should they choose to.

Look, I'm not saying that the OP is wrong for being upset. Just that I don't agree with the idea that you are "buying a womans body" by getting a lapdance. Any more than you "buy a mans body" when you get a plumber in to unblock your sink.

Paying someone to do a practical househ

Paying someone to do a practical household task isn't even close to paying them to perform sexually for you.

Only someone who was deliberately missing the point would claim it was.

Conservative estimates are that 60% of men have an affair during the course of their marriage / relationship. Apparently approaching 100% of men have looked at porn, or look at porn regularly. And nearly a third of men have visited a protsitute or seriously considered using one at some point in their life. And yet reading the responses to my post - it would seem that your partners / husbands are as pure as the driven snow! My DH went to a strip club... makes me sad, but makes want to leave him? No chance!

I do appreciate your repsonses, thank you. You make good points about DH's initial response being pretty sh*tty and you definitely strengthened my resolve when talking with him. Definitely.

However, the suggestions I pack and bag and leave. WTF!! I have an 11 month son with him and, more importantly, I adore my DH! This is a hiccup on the long and winding road of a marriage. Makes me queasy to think about him at the strip club, but as if I ever remotely considered ending my marriage over this.

He has apologised profusely, promised he wil never do again, admitted that at his best friend's stag do he will go to the strip club but he will not have a dance, and told me, as he does almost every day that he loves me and we have a wonderful life together.

If people end a marriage over something like this, no wonder the divorce rate is running at 2 in every 3 marriages