DH went to strip club last night. 3 dances. Am I stupid & naive to feel so sad about it?

[bail]

DH came in at 5am last night. I was relaxed about it as he only goes out infrequently (every couple of months) and I trust him (or should I say, I USED to trust him).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, after initially lying to me, I discovered he went to a very swish and expensive strip club in near Mayfair. He had three dances.

I am upset, I keep imagining gorgeous girls dancing for him, wearing next to nothing and then my DH handing over money to them for the pleasure.

What do others think about this?

If you give 3 lapdances naked to another man what do you think his response would be?

The same as your's above?

As l said up post OP you are deluded
Now he has changed his tune saying he won't have a lapdance but will continue to go to stag nights in a strip club.
He will have lap dances make no mistake about that, he will just be so so careful that you don't find out about it.
Can you honestly say you trust him on this? Anybody can tell someone "l love you" but words are cheap. It's actions that count.
His words and actions are of someone who only loves himself, but if you are happy to live with this so be it.
I couldn't.

Id be a bit pissed off with dh, ignore him for a bit,but not a chance that id end my marriage over him getting a lapdance. Even ive had a lapdance fgs.
All this feminist shite drives me nuts, youre all mad!

Feminism's the problem, so, Mosschops? Ok then.

Bail, it hardly matters what other people do though. It's all so mainstream, and we're all supposed to be so afraid of being 'prudish' or 'jealous' to object. But as thread after thread shows many many women are deeply uncomfortable about their partners getting lapdances etc. You are one of them, whether it's instinctive or a more political stance. Your feelings are valid and hardly unreasonable, and your feelings should matter to your husband, whatever the rest of the world says.

Ewe: "If you give 3 lapdances naked to another man what do you think his response would be?

The same as your's above?"

That's exactly what I was thinking.

OP I'm sure it's a good thing that you're not splitting up over this, but your husband has been basically cavorting with near-naked women, hasn't he? And he hasn't promised to never do it again, which means that he thinks it's acceptable. IMO this is seriously taking the piss - out of you. I would not be happy about that if I were in your position.

It's not unreasonable that some women view this as a deal breaker. I don't know how I would deal with it were I in your shoes, except that I would make sure that DH knew he was in deep shit.

I really wish you both well, hope this is the last such incident for you.

OP, I will take you in

Except you are going to overlook this.

More fool you

Why the hell did you post ?

Just give him carte blanche next time. In fact, you already have.

I don't know any men like this within my family or friendship circle. If I did, they would be removed from it.

You are doing an awful lot of rationalising here, OP.

- you were the one OP who posted saying you felt 'so sad'. Now it is fine?

People can do what they like in relationships as long as there is equality.

So as long as he would be happy with you going out until 5 am to Mayfair and pay who knows what for a man to gyrate naked in front of you (three times) then that is fine. Oh and you have to be sexually turned on by this man (as from what I have seen groups of women on hen nights seem to see a male stripper more in a fun light than a sexual one)

And as long as he is happy with you keeping things from him (as 'all' women do).

It seems Op has had a turnaround after being threatened by her "D"H

OP, this isn't your fault, you know

Yes - OP - you do realise that don't you? This isn't 'normal' and even if it was that doesn't make it acceptable.

And even if it was acceptable mainstream, if it upsets you then that is a problem.

Don't let him act like you are in the wrong. He wouldn't have lied if that were the case

What a fucking wanker. Does he have any respect for his OWN marriage? I just don't understand what kind of man who would put at risk his relationship, marriage, partnership, just to indulge in a sordid lap dance with ANOTHER WOMAN!!! Does the fact that he's PAYING her make it better in his eyes?

I escaped from a sad perv (never married him) who tried to convince me that this was something that 'men do'. Well, thankfully I know of a lot of men who don't do this. I was brought up by such a man. There are lots of them.

Don't let him try to convince you that this is normal behaviour in a marriage - unless that is the kind of marriage you want! A sad marriage? Is that what you signed up for?

How on earth can you know that anyone you know doesn't do it, or want to do it? You sound like you have a problem with male sexuality in general. We aren't like women. Deal with it.

Not all men are the same. Deal with it.

Bleurgh.

I don't use porn.

I don't go to dancing clubs or use prostitutes.

I would never betray my partner.

Not all men are the same rob. Deal with it.

Yes, Rob dear.
You are right, Rob dear.

Op, your husband should put your feelings over his own 'cheap' thrills (though probably not cheap if it was Mayfair). He wouldn't be considering keeping these things from you ('like a lot of men do') if he genuinely believed it was all just harmless fun. You are no stupid or naive to hold your view on lapdances, rather than what him, and a lot of other men, would prefer you to think.

One thing is clear in my mind, Rob.

Not all men are like you

Wow RobF, your DW is one lucky lady!

I guess you'll be taking your mates to proudly show off your daughter when she is performing lap dances with her naked crotch in their faces. After all, it pays well apparently, so why not encourage her into it?

Or will it not seem like such harmless fun then?

Lapdancing bars are the tip of one extremely nasty iceberg which ends with women and children being trafficked and forced to have sex with dozens of men each day. The bit in the middle is the slippery slope and there is absolutely nothing harmless about any of it.

I think that anyone who equates "male sexuality" with the use of porn, strip clubs and lapdancing is one sick puppy

Rob, next time you want to call us frigid for disagreeing with you, just come right out and say it

Yes - RobF - would you be happy with your partner dancing for men in a club?

I would have no qualms about ending my marriage over this.

Horses for courses.

This is unacceptable to me and would be acted upon accordingly.

To me, the lying about it and then his response "why don't you see if any of the mumsnet lot will take you in" would be way more hurtful than the fact of him having lapdances.

It wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me if my DP had a lap-dance or two, as long as it wasn't a regular occurence and I didn't see a negative effect on him or our relationship. But if you feel differently then you feel differently - you can't force yourself to feel OK about it, and your DH, who is supposed to love you, should be showing more consideration for how he has hurt you.

I'm with riverboat and SinicalSal. A lapdance or three isn't a deal breaker, for me. Provided partner knows and doesn't mind. No-one has the right to tell someone else how to live and as long as all are consenting and all are adults and no-one is getting hurt in the situation then...

However, good men don't tell lies or cover up behaviour that they know will upset their wives if they love them .

Good men put their wives before others, even their best mates, if they love them.

What you do, OP, is your choice. You canvassed opinions and you have had them.

FWIW I doubt he'll change. If he doesn't love you now, when you're a, relatively new couple with small DCs, he's not likely to love you more thirty years down the line.

I used to be OK about strip clubs, porn and even private dances. Except I wasn't OK really - I felt very uncomfortable but was persuaded that this reflected my "insecurity" rather than any problems in my partners' attitudes.

After I wised up, I rejected any potential partners who do use sex services, though I reckon it's forgiveable in under-25s (arbitrarily) due to social pressures outweighing common sense at that age.

The reasons I changed my pov - on top of the thorny & more recent issues of trafficking and coercion - are that every man who happily uses sex services is a misogynist, is very likely to disrespect his wife (due to his misogyny) and is a hell of a lot more likely to cheat.

OP, I know you're going to stick with your rather dismissive H, but I think it's important to keep making the points highlighted on your thread.