It's happened again...

[rockyroadtoruin]

A month ago my DH came home drunk. he took a dislike to something I said and hit me. At the time he said I deserved it and called me some foul names but once he sobered up the next day he was very sorry for what he did and promised it was a one off.

I was in complete shock as he had never been violent before, plus we have a 2 year old DD and baby on the way who I have to think about so I forgave him. Maybe I am naive but I thought that would be the end of it.???

After work tonight he had two friends round, they had some drinks and we were all chatting and having a bit of a laugh. but when they left he snapped.
He shouted that I had made him look like a complete fool and I had been flirting with his friend. I tried asking what he was talking about but he said I disgust him.he told me to get away from him and pushed me backwards onto the chair

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can cope with two children on my own. Can I make him change? Will counselling help?

You can get an occupation order to stay in the home whilst he would have an injunction to stop him coming near you see here. This order can be made the same day without your DH being there, you can apply to the court yourself, but it would be easier for you if you did it through a solicitor. They can also make arrangements with regard to the mortage payments as part of the order. You need to seek legal advice asap.

Rocky, be careful. This man is watching you: try and behave as normally as possible and placate him if you can - just for tonight. Keep your phone handy, and if he kicks off call the police.

I was getting frustrated with this thread but I can now see that OP is taking in all the advice she's been kindly given.

It's so frustrating to see intelligent self sufficient women go through some fear induced crap from their so called loved ones. We women need to use ALL the resources out there to get out for ourselves and our children. The resource is there, don't let fear hold you in darkness.

I wish women in my home country (Africa) had half of the resources that we have here to get out. Please OP, you can do it. Fear is a terrible thing but you have to conquer it for a better life for yourself and your babies. Don't let some animal take your life for a joke.

He has taken away all your support system (these men know what they're doing from the dot go) you need to try and get it back. There is NO shame in your situation, the shame is on him. Tell work, WA, the neighbours...do NOT care. Handle the shame back to him where it belongs.

No matter how hard it gets leaving him, it will never be as harder as living with this type of person. You're just surviving now...not living.

Make your escape now...deal with the emotions later, i.e counselling etc.

Best of luck - you really can do this.

my 2 year old has been affected by the violence. he saw a violent attack early this year. his behaviour has regressed he has gone back to biting. dd saw a violent attack when she was 2. she was really traumatised by it. she stands by and lets her brother hurt her and won't hit back. I didn't leave because i thought he would change. wish I had left. he was better whilst attending a dv course but did not take it seriously enough to put the strategies into place.

we had ss involvement as i went to hospital to be glued back together. i was a couple of inches from being blinded or killed by being hit in the neck. I still didn't leave. only after hearing it from the gp/ nurses at the hospital/counsellor/ and constantly reading threads on mn for several months did i take the opportunity to leave when he thumped me again. it is terrifying to think about leaving and what would happen but it is easier if you have thought things through and got stuff together in a safe place away from the family home if possible. talking on here will help you see that it is not normal. it will help you to think that you can do it. you have to free your mind and your emotions sometimes before you can free your self physically. you have to work through the whole he is not going to change think however much you desperately want him too.

start making a plan. start getting things together. if you decide to leave you can do it quickly then. get on to someone who can help you make a safety plan. keep your phone with you at all times. have it charged up and credit if possible. ring 999 if you are in danger. if there is a record of his violence he will not be able to take dd. get your injuries logged at the gp. they can arrange counselling for you.

He told me last night I'm putting too much pressure on him and i've trapped him with another baby (he thinks I planned it but I was on the pill). He says he still loves me but things would be a lot simpler if there was no baby

Yes I also thought that's what he was implying but I was too afraid to ask. When he said things would be simpler if there wasn't a baby I burst into tears and he apologised and held me. I didn't want to wind him up so I let him, even though I didn't want him to touch me.

oh rocky, this is dreadful, when the tears subside, please get angry, please stand up for yourself (even if only in your head )

If you had not been treated like this by this man for so long, you would have been able to say 'Don't do me any favours mate, door's over there.'

This is the attitude you need to adopt, you are miserable, YOU are trapped by this nasty little man and YOU need to get out.

Is there anyway we or anyone in RL can help you 'fake it till you make it' and get him out of your life? Seriously, it's not going to get any better. You know this. Sure you are hoping it will, but it won't, he's giving himself permission each and every second to treat you worse and worse.

Please be brave, it really IS better on the outside - look at your life now, seriously, it could only get better couldn't it, but only if you remove this bully, this abuser from your life.

We kissed as well but nothing more. This morning I can?t stop thinking about what he said and wondering why he said it. It?s not like we hadn?t talked about having another baby and he loves dd. I saw him with her yesterday and he definitely adores her.

he said it for exactly the reasons swallowedafly said he did.

Reinforcing the 'you are bloody lucky I am with you shit'

The reason he says all this, is because he knows he doesn't deserve you, but rather than raise his game (he can't) he'll knock you down to nothing, and then it'll make him feel great.

Except it can't. nothing can. so he'll keep knocking, grinding and destroying you.

It's still all about him, rocky. What he wants, what he feels. You wondering why he said what he said. You're still caught up playing the role he wants of you in the drama about his life.

As swallowedafly said, "how do you feel about what he said?". You. What do you want, what do you feel?

saf, that is a great expression!

I wish someone had shouted into MY prison!

God you are good Saf! that is so true! twisted is damned right!

Can I ask you ladies who have been through this before if you still loved your husbands and partners when they were mistreating you?

When he has been drinking I really don't know why I am still here but yesterday for example we had a lovely day together just the three of us and there was still something there. Is this normal? Or am I mad?

That's what's stopping me. I think while there is still something there we still have a chance, crazy as that sounds.

I was with X for 10 years. he was verbally abusive, cruel, manipulative, lazy and physically abusive if I didn't do as I was told, or if I had the audacity to raise my voice to him.

Eventually all of his treatment of me killed every last drop of love. I realised, when he totally stepped over a mark, that I didn't know him at all.

You don't love the person abusing you. you love the person they pretended to be when they were being nice to you. You hope and hang on to the last hope that this person will come back if you just manage to please them, to do this right, or that right, not make a fuss about x y or z.

That person is - to continue saf's desert analogy - is a mirage. never really there.

It is possible to have a good time with these people, but only when everything goes their way. You could have looked at the wrong person while you were all out for your H to decide to kick off and accuse you of something when you got home. These good days are too precarious, you know that, they can come crashing down any second.

THAT'S another thing I don't miss. My good days now, go on all day and I get home and they are still great.

rocky, he's hit you. TWICE.

You waiting for the THIRD? cos it will come.