It's happened again...

[rockyroadtoruin]

A month ago my DH came home drunk. he took a dislike to something I said and hit me. At the time he said I deserved it and called me some foul names but once he sobered up the next day he was very sorry for what he did and promised it was a one off.

I was in complete shock as he had never been violent before, plus we have a 2 year old DD and baby on the way who I have to think about so I forgave him. Maybe I am naive but I thought that would be the end of it.???

After work tonight he had two friends round, they had some drinks and we were all chatting and having a bit of a laugh. but when they left he snapped.
He shouted that I had made him look like a complete fool and I had been flirting with his friend. I tried asking what he was talking about but he said I disgust him.he told me to get away from him and pushed me backwards onto the chair

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can cope with two children on my own. Can I make him change? Will counselling help?

god, thanks saf, I don't miss that god-awful knot in the pit of my stomach.

I don't think its unusual to still love your abuser or indeed to have good times as well as bad. I can kind of understand since I am also in a relationship where my DP has done some really bad stuff (tho no violence) and the good times just make it incredibly hard to leave, although I know that in the long term it'll be better for me. I'm gradually trying to extract myself, but since I am not at risk as such it's not so urgent...

But what I think a lot of people with experience are pointing out here is that you need to make it clear that you will not put up with this kind of treatment; that by staying with him you will never be able to make things better. Since he has not shown any real remorse or will to sort things out (and instead kind of blamed you).

Instead you are putting yourself and your children at a significant risk for a frankly improbable chance that things will get better. Is it worth putting your children at risk?

Ps keep posting!! and whatever your feelings you should get professional advice and be prepared to do what you need to do... I mean; no harm to anyone being prepared is there?

pps I think herhissyness has put it far better than i ever could

Re-read your fear filled posts and ask yourself what you would want your daughter to do in your position. Don't be so naive to think this isn't affecting her.
Love is about respect and care, does he love you? Glaringly obviously not. Do you love him? No, you are just suffering from low self esteem and are more concerned with making excuses for him than protecting your children.
We all know that third hit is coming, it's like watching a car crash about to happen and seeing the passengers refusing to get out of the car because they don't know how they will cope without a car.
Come on, you can do it, for your kids if not for yourself.

Did anyone mention the pointlessness of attempting negotiation in situations like these?

These men are entitled to hit us, treat us abysmally over and over again. nothing will stop them.

that's the difference between normal blokes and abusive ones, normal ones stop when they get told they have upset you, they don't do it AGAIN.

Your H HIT you, and now again. He will do so again, and again and again. YOU have to draw the line, this man won't. Why would he? he has too much to lose by giving up his entitlement of mistreating you. He'd have to step up as a human being, and he couldn't handle that.

I asked him to clarify what he meant last night when he said I "trapped" him and if that means he was planning on leaving me but he said no that's not what he meant, he's just not ready. I asked what it is he actually wants and he said the best thing I could do for him right now would be to have a termination.
I can't believe he said it, I feel like my life is falling apart

The best thing for him? what about the best thing for me and our family?

We worked together briefly and used to socialise with the same group of people. I'm really struggling with this

Thing is, if you terminate this pregnancy because he wants you to, it means you will be allowed to stay with a man who has shown what he is capable of. One you can never feel safe with. When you do something he doesn't like - such as getting pregnant because he had sex with you, leaving the contraception to you so you can be blamed for its failure - he may behave like this again as he knows it works. As long as you're stuck at home minding the one child he has authorised, don't wear anything that might make anyone look at you twice, and don't ever disagree with him about anything, he may refrain from knocking you about.

That doesn't sound like a very fair exchange for a baby's life.

Rockyroad, I'm sorry to be barging in unannounced - I'm not given to dramatics but if you and you're babies are in great danger here.

I lived with similar violence and mindset that you are now. Both as a child and an adult.

Please please please listen to all of the excellent advice you've already received.

He's gearing up for another attack and you will end up very hurt and the baby very possibly dead.

I minimised the sort of behaviour your p is displaying for years so know how daunting it feels to even admit to yourself it's gotten this bad.

If it helps don't think that you're going forever - pack a bag and think 'just for a few days'

I promise you, once you've been away from the threats and violence for even a little while it will give you enough strength to start getting out from under this thugs control.

If you're anywhere near the south west I'll come and get you myself, today!!

He said he does want another baby but not right now

Yes, and he'll keep you hanging on hoping for it for years. Meanwhile the baby you have growing inside you right now will be dead because its father doesn't feel ready (and is prepared to get violent to back that up). This isn't about sensible family planning. This is control, control of your very body, and it's horrible.

And petty the poor sod who is the mother of that child. I seiously hope OP that it is NOT you

What do you want, rocky?

I agree that it would probably be better for everyone if you could get him to leave rather than you leaving him and possibly creating even more upset and violence from him. If you can make him see that you're unhappy, and that you can see he's unhappy too, maybe you could agree to separate amicably? Suggest that he'd be happier living alone without the 'aggro' of his demanding wife and child and he could still see the children at the weekends (no different to what happens now?) or when he wants (poss won't want to but that probably would be best all round as well?)

Suggest it as being better for 'him' whilst knowing that it would be far better for you and the children.

It sounds like he doesn't want the baby already so I can only imagine his behaviour will get even worse once it's born. Whatever you do, please please don't consider terminating the pregnancy for him, unless you truly believe it's for 'your' best interests (not saying you would but if he's dead against it will he ask you to?)

Sorry, posted that before reading the last few posts properly. He has said he thinks you should have a termination. So he definitely doesn't want another child and his behaviour WILL get worse once it's born (think of the stress of having one baby and double it, it really is that hard at first)

Terminating the pregnancy won't make things any better, it will simply delay things getting any worse.

There are plenty of men taken by surprise by a baby, but they don't push their pg partner, get pissed, and so on.

They talk sensibly, they communicate sensibly, and they are capable of coming to sensible decisions without resorting to compulsion or threats or using any sort of physical or emotional abuse.

I know many dhs/dps who weren't 'ready' for the second baby, but none of them behaved remotely like your dh. In one case, the couple (get that, the couple) decided to terminate. In every other case the couple put their best foot forward together and were - not always immediately, but always ultimately - delighted.

There are happy endings out there, but not when one of a pair behaves like your dh. I'm sorry

Apparently he has a doctors appointment for wednesday and this time he will go and tell the doctor about his drinking and aggression. He says he's making an effort and trying to put things right and I need to work with him, not against him like I am at the moment.