It's happened again...

[rockyroadtoruin]

A month ago my DH came home drunk. he took a dislike to something I said and hit me. At the time he said I deserved it and called me some foul names but once he sobered up the next day he was very sorry for what he did and promised it was a one off.

I was in complete shock as he had never been violent before, plus we have a 2 year old DD and baby on the way who I have to think about so I forgave him. Maybe I am naive but I thought that would be the end of it.???

After work tonight he had two friends round, they had some drinks and we were all chatting and having a bit of a laugh. but when they left he snapped.
He shouted that I had made him look like a complete fool and I had been flirting with his friend. I tried asking what he was talking about but he said I disgust him.he told me to get away from him and pushed me backwards onto the chair

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can cope with two children on my own. Can I make him change? Will counselling help?

If the rest of my life is like this or worse then yes I want to leave. The negatives outweigh the positives at the moment. It's just so daunting to think of being a single mum of two and of making the break. I'm terrified of what he'll do when he realises I'm leaving

Im a single mum of 3. Its fine. Things were rocky for about a year then when he realised i wasnt coming back things improved. We now have a good relationship 3 years later. We have even been on holiday together and he lives in the next street. I could never have a relationship or live with him again as the kids are much happier

Yes it will be hard at first but in the long run you will end up much happier

It can feel very hard to leave when you feel you've nowhere to go OP.

Seeing as your H is out every day at work, maybe uses the time over the next few weeks to start setting up a network of support. You need a few friendly faces/voices at least to talk to. Womens aid is a start. They will still support you even if you're too scared to leave right now.

I can feel the fear from your posts. Are you afraid he's tracking you online as I know you seem nervous to give more details. That's ok, you don't have to.

But you can make some steps to find a lifeline and start to plan when he is out. I know what it's like living with a drinker. They can be at their most dangerous when they sense you might leave.

You've got to be sneaky and get your strength together, I'm sure at 11 weeks you are extremely tired and probably feeling a nervous wreck right now.

Gather yourself together gently. Avoid your H when he is drunk. Stay out of his way. Use the weekdays to start making your escape plan. You can leave, eventually. He is an abuser and you and your little girl and baby are entitled to protection.

Be safe in the meantime. x

I work full time as well so I don't really have a lot of time at home when he's not around. And I never know what time he's going to be home from work so it's difficult to make phone calls in case he walks in. But yes I'm going to have to find a way to start making plans. I do have two days of work next week though.

He has seen me on mn before and asked what it's about and what I'm doing on here so I don't want to be identifiable from my posts. Sorry if it sounds like I'm being evasive.

two days off that should say

It's alright, don't worry I understand. Be careful. Delete your history.

Ok, well good about the 2 days off next week. Definitely use that to start making your plans.

In the meantime, concentrate on staying safe. Also, how are you feeling physically....hope ok...I'm sure it's hard.

Is there anyone in work you could confide in...if that's a bad idea I understand. Just wrack your brains for someone trustable in RL that you can offload to. You need to. No woman is an island!

Be safe x

Some councils offer a bond certificate for a private house, it might be worth checking if yours do. It will be quicker and easier trying to secure a private rental. If you go the council route you will have to go into homeless accomodation. Obviously even tat is taking a step and in the long run you will have your own house

I was your daughter once.

Put her (and yourself) first, please.

You might want to name change then otherwise he can search all your posts if he works out your user name. Just add a number and change it randomly.

He sounds fucking terrifying to me, you must be on tenterhooks the whole time. You are also getting some sound advice from the posters on this thread, please take take their advice and leave the abusive, battering prick

Don't know if the council would help me as my name is on the mortgage??

No they wont, you may still be able to get the bond certificate. Have you got anyone who could help you with money

Doesn't matter rocky, work all that out later. Could you do a flit next week in the 2 days while you're off and he's at work. You could go to a womens refuge?

Work might give you annual leave on short notice. I don't even know how understanding they are or even if they know you're pregnant.

You need your documents, paperwork all that, passports. Clothes, toys, toiletries. Just enough for a temporary time. You can get therest later.

I know it's really difficult to manouvre when you don't know if he's watching you. But you sound clever and resourceful...

Actually they might so you still need to ask them. They probably will help you if your fleeing DV

the council will not help you.

you will still be liable for your half of the mortgage if you left.

you are burying your head in the sand really, making excuses for him.

you are having a child he does not want that is why he is drinking, family life is not for him he doesnt like it.

Fabbychic: Then he should fuck off, not beat and abuse the OP. And it will not be particularly difficult for her to get an exclusion order barring him from the house on the grounds that he is a violent drunk.

Honestly, can't emphasise this enough: if your partner is violent and abusive, but you are worried about where you will live and you have a joint tenancy/mortgage, the law will back you in putting him out of the house and barring him from ever returning. Literally. If you have a violent partner, any time he starts up, just picture a couple of big policemen hauling him out of the house, not too gently, and taking him away. Because it's perfectly possible to make this happen no matter what the abuser says.

Don't be afraid if you have a few false starts OP, I hope you won't just because, as well as you I'd worry about the baby and your daughter.

But, it doesn't always happen first time. When I was vulnerable (ex was controlling) I ended up getting talked around a few times. Ok, mistake but no-ones perfect.

Controlling men are tricky but you can outwit him. Get those books the others mentioned, Lundy Bancroft and all that. Keep in the car or work. Use cash so he doesn't know you've bought it.

Most of all, get some support. You can use your pregnancy as an excuse for exta appointments. He wont want to go anyway.

It may be a v good use of your time to see a solicitor first thiing in the morning of your first day off next week. You can look on the law society website to find a solicitor in your area specialising in family law. Explain about the violence and drinking etc, and the threats to not let you leave with your dd. Ask about the potential situation re your house / mortgage.

If you currently work f/t AND do all the childcare and household work, (WHY? why does he not do his share?) you are well positioned to manage v well without him!

YES YES YES to what SGB says. I took my now XH to court because he wouldnt let me put our house up for sale (after he had attacked me). I won and the house got sold. The police can help you, as can the civil legal system.

You poor thing rocky. It is so daunting, and I had many attempts at going before I could actually manage it, so I really understand where you are. If you cant go for yourself, then please go for your daughter and your unborn child. My XH kicked me to bits whilst I was pregnant, no idea how my DD survived, but she is now that brave 17 year old. Please dont let him assault you any more whilst you are carrying your baby. Its heartbreaking to even think of it. And there is a better life waiting for you I promise.

It will be tough, but you know what, its the best thing you can do, for all of you (especially your children because you dont want them thinking this is how life should be). And you will find help and support from lots of people, in real life and on here. We will hold your hand whilst you do it.

But please, do it.

best of luck!

Yes I work ft and do all housework and childcare. He just goes to work then goes and get pissed and comes home when he feels like it. A couple of times he's not come home at all and I have been up all night worried sick about him. He's not going out tonight because he says he wants to spend time with me but he's still drinking at home.

Even if he hadn't hit you, he treats you appallingly.