It's happened again...

[rockyroadtoruin]

A month ago my DH came home drunk. he took a dislike to something I said and hit me. At the time he said I deserved it and called me some foul names but once he sobered up the next day he was very sorry for what he did and promised it was a one off.

I was in complete shock as he had never been violent before, plus we have a 2 year old DD and baby on the way who I have to think about so I forgave him. Maybe I am naive but I thought that would be the end of it.???

After work tonight he had two friends round, they had some drinks and we were all chatting and having a bit of a laugh. but when they left he snapped.
He shouted that I had made him look like a complete fool and I had been flirting with his friend. I tried asking what he was talking about but he said I disgust him.he told me to get away from him and pushed me backwards onto the chair

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can cope with two children on my own. Can I make him change? Will counselling help?

Rocky - your DD sounds lovely. How long do you think she will remain happy and chatty if your DH's behaviour continues or gets worse? Would the loss of a little brother or sister (which is sadly likely if you get pushed around or hit again) upset her happy life? Will you be happy in 30 years time if your DD has a husband who stops her going out dressed as she chooses? Or punches her when he's had too much to drink? Because that is what she will think is normal in a reltionship.

The physical violence is going to get worse. Your DH has stopped you going out, stopped you dressing how you choose, made your life a miserybecause you became pregnant with his child. Each little step will erode your confidence a little more, sadly it will also erode your happy, chatty little daughter.

You WILL be able to cope with 2 DC alone. I didnt believe I could cope with my 3 but I have. Very happily, without the constant criticism and undermining from my ex.

I would prefer for him to leave for a while and see how it goes but that's never going to happen. I don't dare even suggest it

dd is too little to understand really. I know the older she gets the more she will pick up on things and I don't want that.

So have you thought about what you're going to do rocky?

Maybe yeh. He won't let me leave with dd either, he's already told me

I feel trapped

What would he do if you left?

He's told me a few times when he was drunk I can go anytime I like but on my own - not with dd. It would get ugly. And if he came home and she was gone he would come and find us.

That's why in some ways it's easier to stay here and deal with it. As long as dd is ok I can put up with it. But how long before it starts affecting her?

Rocky, he can't stop you. He is not your owner. The law fully supports a woman's right to leave an arsehole partner and take her DC: he is the one who forfeits his rights because HE IS ABUSIVE AND A BAD PERSON. The police will come and arrest him if he tries to lock you in the house or harm you again. There are court orders that will keep him away from you permanently. There are other MNers who have left worthless shitbag men like this one and built new lives for themselves: in some cases the abusers have been sent to prison for a long time.

Listen to SGB she talks sense and you know it deep down.
You are thinking the thoughts he has trained you to think at the moment.
You also sound scared of him, tha't not a good way to live or bring up a child in.

Please phone womens aid to talk through practical options for your family now.

Rocky, sadly it's already affecting your daughter. The fact that you are afraid and have been hit - even tiny children pick up on bad feelings and bad vibes. They remember more than we realise. Also, your unborn child is in danger - serious danger. Surely your children have to come first before an abusive husband? The easy path is not necessarily the best path. We often have to force ourselves to do the hard thing in life, because that is what we need to do to keep our little ones safe!

That's why in some ways it's easier to stay here and deal with it. As long as dd is ok I can put up with it. But how long before it starts affecting her?
*

It will not get easier, you have said yourself he doesnt understand what he has done wrong. That doesn't mean that he hasn't the capacity to realise he is wrong. Please phone Womens aid or look at the DV webguide. In fact the sooner you go the better -'he will not expect it the sooner you act. If you can get as many documents as you can for you and dd but there are plenty of women who have gone to refuges with the clothes they have stood up in.
There are several posters who have done exactly that and not one has regretted it.

You can do it!

And bear in mind, rocky, dd was woken up during the last incident as well, and frightened. Now yes there were raised voices on both sides but he was the one who went ballistic.

His threats about dd are empty. Apart from anything else, who would look after her while he spent his entire life in the pub? He doesn't want her full-time, he just wants to frighten and intimidate you into believing that he does. Because he knows that, unlike him, you will put what you believe to be your children's best interests above all else. (I happen to think you're wrong and that staying with him is in no-one's best interests except his, but I also believe you genuinely think this is best for them for now. You are operating through fear and conditioning, there's no way you can break that in a few days).

But while he continues to rule through threats, violence, dismissing events and making it all your fault, can you not see he is a million miles away from the mindset that might enable him to accept something is wrong and he needs help? And without that first step, you can do nothing for him.

Rocky- from scanning the thread, I cam see that he is clearly an extremely insecure and controlling man. Have you started to prepare for you escape? Whether that be tomorrow or next year you need to do some planning e.g. put aside some money etc.

Warm wishes

Run as far as you can, go to women's aid and get out right now, before he does you and your unborn baby some serious damage. You would be mortified if your 2 year old walked in on that, and for the protection of you and your children you need to get out now.

I lived with domestic violence many years ago and didn't have the courage to run, when i look back on it I am very lucky to be alive and so is my daughter who was in my womb when he launched an attack on me with a shoe and screwdriver. I let it get to that stage because i refused to believe that he would do it again, when it started with the first drunken shove or thump.

Please don't stay any longer than you need to, get help and plan your escape then go and don't ever look back xx

"when he is sober he is the loveliest man and would never dream of hurting me."

He knows what he's like when he's drunk because you've told him.

He is sober when he has the first drink.

So, I'm afraid he's not the loveliest man when he's sober as he's doing something which he knows really hurts you.

It took me years to work that one out BTW. (I'm ashamed to say I've had not just one but two relationships with dysfunctional alcoholics. What a fucking waste of my life they were).

I don't know what insanity it is in us which puts up with this crap. From the outside it is obvious to everyone that this man is taking out his problems on you, he won't change, you can't help him, staying with him is damaging you and your DD and you must get away from him.

It will be obvious to you too with hindsight, I promise you.

You need to find a way to see this relationship for what it is. Forget this "if he was ill I'd look after him" crap. Would you ever treat him the way he's treating you? And your DD? No, you wouldn't. And more to the point would he take it? I doubt it.

You can't help him. You must put your DD first. She needs a safe home environment with a happy mum, not a mum walking on eggshells in case she incites the temper (verbal or physical) of this completely unreasonable excuse for a man.

You are in danger where you are. Not just physically, but emotionally too.

Although my alcoholic exes are in the past, some of the effects of those years are still with me. He is damaging your self esteem, I'm sorry you're in this situation, it's shitty, but you have to get out.

Hitting you is inexcusable. Please, please leave.

Rocky - he has been abusive before he started the drinking - his jealousy and calling you a slut and effectively imprisonong you in the house was very controlling and emotionally abusive.
He is these things independently of stress about his mother etc.

He hit you, twice, you are pregnant. He should be being protective of you.
Instead he is abusing you, threatening you, and YOU are protecting him! (not wanting to leave him in a drunken state etc).

I understand that you want it all to resolve itself, for him to turn round and validate the love you have (had?) for him, save you from the upset of splitting...you want your dream to come back.

Why does he need to change while you stay? He doesn't.

if he's going to change the only chance is that he gets a terrible shock that he CANNOT hit his pg wife, twice, not apologise etc etc and still have his happy family.

if you want him to attempt counselling, pull himself back together and learn to be a good partner and father, you need to leave, with your dd, of course, and not have anything do do with him until he has sought and completed hellp fro his drinking, his anger management and his approach to relationships.

Relate and the like will not consider counselling the two of you together because they will not work with couples where abuse is occurring. Ask Women's Aid if there is any 'Freedom Training' in your area.

Really, really sorry this has happened to you.

Rocky, your daughter might be ok now but she will not be when she witnesses her father physically assaulting you and shouting.

You need to leave for her not you.

In the long run it will make her a quiet, nervous withdrawn child who will recoil from raised voices and conflict. I know because my dd ended up like this and it was not half as bad as what you have described. Mine was mainly due arguing, shouting and pushing from both parents.

She now has a great relationship with both her parents who are seperated. If we were still together god knows what she would be like. She still panics when people argue.

Just wanted to echo what SGB said. Mine went to prison. When I skipped out of the lawyers after signing the divorce papers it was truly one of the best days of my life. The freedom you will feel when you are able to break away from this bastard (thats what he is, he isnt really lovely at all) will be incredible.

As for how long until it starts affecting your daughter..... You are living with someone who controls your (and her) life and is violent towards you. It will already be affecting her. And if you dont get out, then she will learn that its OK to be treated like this. And that will affect her for every moment of the rest of her life.

My DD is now nearly 18. She is beautiful and proud and brave. No-one will ever do to her what was done to me because we left and she knows its entirely unacceptable to be treated badly by any man. Surely that is what you want for your DD too? And your little one?

Its an incredibly hard step to take, that first one, but please please start thinking about taking it.