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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's happened again...

509 replies

rockyroadtoruin · 23/06/2011 21:47

A month ago my DH came home drunk. he took a dislike to something I said and hit me. At the time he said I deserved it and called me some foul names but once he sobered up the next day he was very sorry for what he did and promised it was a one off.

I was in complete shock as he had never been violent before, plus we have a 2 year old DD and baby on the way who I have to think about so I forgave him. Maybe I am naive but I thought that would be the end of it.???

After work tonight he had two friends round, they had some drinks and we were all chatting and having a bit of a laugh. but when they left he snapped.
He shouted that I had made him look like a complete fool and I had been flirting with his friend. I tried asking what he was talking about but he said I disgust him.he told me to get away from him and pushed me backwards onto the chair Sad

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can cope with two children on my own. Can I make him change? Will counselling help?

OP posts:
LadyBlaBlah · 27/06/2011 11:50

I managed to get him to leave the house. I cried quite a lot for the first week - a mixture of total relief that he wasn't coming home later, grief at losing a marriage, anger at my stupidity for putting up with it for so long, happiness that the DSs will not have to live in tension anymore, fear for the future and being an old spinster with 1 fallopian tube, anxiety about how friends will react and the difficulty evident for mutual friends for get-togethers, fear about money and how I will cope when he probably withdraws money.

But really I kept as busy as possible and despite all those feelings above, I feel. That's a bit scary actually sometimes, but I am starting to get used to it and most of all I can feel this constant tension and fear lifting and that is such an amazing feeling.

I am having my head screwed around now with the charm offensive. He has been to counselling, is starting on relate's 30 week DV perpertrator's course. And constantly offering to do jobs and things he should have done years and years ago. That's really hard because it makes me feel like I should give him another chance at some point and he really is saying all the 'right' things ( he too has read all the books and knows what he should be doing now). But I know I probably won't cos I can see exactly what our relationship was, and I feel stronger every day.

LadyBlaBlah · 27/06/2011 11:51

But really I kept as busy as possible and despite all those feelings above, I feel. - should say I feel free.

HerHissyness · 27/06/2011 12:05

LadyBlaBlah, I admire your strength, my god woman you rock! well done!

I have to say that my X could do all the courses in the world, I'd never ever believe him, his chance has gone, forever.

I doubt this revelation of your H is for real. Let him do the jobs if you wish, but keep him out of your life. don't ever feel guilty, he didn't when he was abusing you did he? Only now he's been kicked out he's trying to worm his way back in.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 27/06/2011 12:10

Rocky: do talk to the police DV unit, they will be able to give you advice and help. It is possible to get a court order which will ban this man from approaching your workplace as well if he is a danger to you, and your colleagues will look out for you. Well done and very best of luck.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 27/06/2011 12:11

Hurray for you LadyBlahBlah and rocky!

LadyBlahBlah: let go the guilt about giving him another chance. How many times did you ask him to treat you nicely before ending it, which he ignored and you forgave and moved on?

I also wouldn't let him do jobs etc as that is just fodder for more manipulation: him making you feel you owe him something in return if he does said jobs (face time, another chance, whatever it is he's angling for).

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 27/06/2011 12:17

Oh and rocky: your H knowing your workplace is another reason to speak to the police, and your building's security guards if you have any. However, do not live in fear as you go to and from your workplace (as I did for a couple months):

  • He has never been abusive outside the home, right? His image is too important for him to risk doing anything to you in public. Wife abusers are cowards.
  • And if he does try to ambush you outside work, you do have the capacity to make a scene / ask passersby for help / dial the police / coldly tell him you are not interested in what he has to say / whatever works for you.
Fifis25StottieCakes · 27/06/2011 12:21

Good luck Op, Dont worry at all about going into a refuge, My best friend was in one and it was amazing. She found a lot of strength from talking to the woman who had gone through the same thing.

Get yourself strong whilst there and move on with your life which will be happier as you wont be living in fear.

theDudesmummy · 27/06/2011 12:22

Well done rocky for what you are doing for yourself and your children, stay strong.

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 12:25

Ladybla, I think you would be foolish to consider giving your ex another chance

don't fall for the pretty words and empty platitudes

Jux · 27/06/2011 12:25

Good for you, rocky! Best of luck; trust yourself.

Well done to you too LadyBlahbla.

LadyBlaBlah · 27/06/2011 12:27

Face time. Like that phrase, and it is exactly what he wants.

The charm offensive is so hard to deal with, in some ways it would be easier if he was still being a wanker. As St Lundy says though, the mask will probably slip at some point, so I must stay focused.

Sorry to hijack Rocky - but it's good to know other people are doing the same thing and you are not alone. I cannot recommend the Lundy book enough - it puts a label on all these things you have been feeling for years but just cannot work out the why, what and how. It really makes you feel stronger - the old phrase Knowledge is Power is really relevant.

I think SGB's advice on the work situation is good. I think I was at a different point when we finally split, in that by the time I had got him to go, he knew he had lost control of me and his threats meant nothing to me - he sort of gave up on the 'abusive him' because it wasn't working anymore and is now trying the Mr Nice Guy tactic. I am fully aware 'abusive him' will probably come back, but my point is that at the point of the split I didn't feel unsafe. You do, and must protect yourself in every way you can. I hope the hostel is OK, and as someone above said, you still have your house, it is just a temporary situation.

suburbophobe · 27/06/2011 12:51

Hi Rocky,

Just wanted to chip in with my support, have been following your thread and didn't post cos you've had such brilliant advice.

One thing I want you to know though is that I went thru this about 20 years ago, the physical and emotional abuse, forbidding me talking to men, threatening to take my son away etc.

Breaking off my marriage was the only option and the best ever, just for the sheer feeling of relief and freedom, I also did a support group for women in the same situation and it was brilliant, just to know you're not the only one and the strength you get from it.

Being a single mum hasn't been a walk in the park but at least I'm not living in fear (and loathing).....and able to bring up my son out of that toxic situation..

The gift of that is seeing my son grown up to be a well-balanced lovely guy who is off to university. He has a girlfriend and treats her with love and respect - like walks her to and from the bus stop when she comes to visit Grin

By doing this you are giving you and your daughter and your new baby the best possible future! You go girl!!

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 27/06/2011 15:07

Fiungers (and toes) crossed you and your dd are now somewhere safe.

Stay strong

Al0uiseG · 27/06/2011 15:17

I'm so pleased for you Rocky that you can make a fresh start without living under his cloud. Stay strong and enjoy your children.

xpatmama · 27/06/2011 17:47

wow! thinking about you. good luck at the shelter xx

Jemma1111 · 27/06/2011 18:17

Rocky, well done you for doing something about your situation !

Because you are taking the time to post on here when you are going through

a very difficult time will, I'm sure help other women realise it is possible to

leave an abuser and find support and somewhere safe to live.

You are showing that you don't have to put up with living your life in fear.

You are a great mum too, best of luck for the start of your new life! Smile xx

dittany · 27/06/2011 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onemorning · 27/06/2011 19:07

Rocky, so glad you're out. xxxx

iMemoo · 27/06/2011 19:24

Rocky, I haven't posted before but have been following this thread. Wishing you lots of luck, will be thinking of you and your children. Much love xxx

otchayaniye · 27/06/2011 21:33

I read this thread last night and came to it this morning and was so glad to hear that you'd taken action.

I wish you, your daughter and your unborn child all the best luck and success. And don't think for one minute that the future is too scary -- you've been through 'scary' enough.

I can't add to the advice you have been given, but coming from someone who witnessed violence and emotional abuse from cradle to leaving home, I wanted to say that you have done takes courage and fortitude and good sense. Things I wish my mother had.

PeachesandStrawberry · 27/06/2011 22:00

Congratulations for getting out.

Well Done.

cory · 27/06/2011 22:54

Well done!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/06/2011 22:59

Another lurker here.

Just wanted to say well done and best of luck.

beachyhead · 27/06/2011 23:13

Hope tonight is going well.... First day of the rest of your life, though it probably doesn't feel like it today, but savour the moment.

Jux · 27/06/2011 23:31

Thinking of you rocky. Not an easy time but we are here, shaking our pom poms!

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