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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It's happened again...

509 replies

rockyroadtoruin · 23/06/2011 21:47

A month ago my DH came home drunk. he took a dislike to something I said and hit me. At the time he said I deserved it and called me some foul names but once he sobered up the next day he was very sorry for what he did and promised it was a one off.

I was in complete shock as he had never been violent before, plus we have a 2 year old DD and baby on the way who I have to think about so I forgave him. Maybe I am naive but I thought that would be the end of it.???

After work tonight he had two friends round, they had some drinks and we were all chatting and having a bit of a laugh. but when they left he snapped.
He shouted that I had made him look like a complete fool and I had been flirting with his friend. I tried asking what he was talking about but he said I disgust him.he told me to get away from him and pushed me backwards onto the chair Sad

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can cope with two children on my own. Can I make him change? Will counselling help?

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 26/06/2011 18:00

Take yourself to the CAB, take as much info as you have readily available and find out the likely scenario, what your rights are and your entitlements.

Then you have knowledge to work with and will feel much less powerless.

dittany · 26/06/2011 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rockyroadtoruin · 26/06/2011 19:22

Yes i'll call them again when I get a chance. I work ft and when I get in DH could already be home or come in at any time, he never texts or calls to say he's on his way home. Don't really want to call from work either. There are a couple of friends who would probably put me up short term but it's not ideal.

OP posts:
blackcurrants · 26/06/2011 19:31

rocky people have left abusive relationships before - women with children - and managed to keep their house. I'm not saying you definitely will, but it's also not a guarantee that you'll lose it.

Since he's been violent, you will have custody of the kids. And no, it's not ideal is it? (hugs) but it's better than wondering when the next blow will land, and being told it's your fault.

rockyroadtoruin · 26/06/2011 19:36

That's very true, hopefully I can get a few things sorted out this week, meanwhile I'll just keep my head down and try to stay away from him. I have family who would always take me in but they live so far away. No matter what he's done to me I'm not that coldhearted.

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pickgo · 26/06/2011 19:37

Given that he's hit you twice now Rockyroad, you have the right to change the locks while he is out and call the police to tell them what you've done. Then you just sit tight until he comes to the door and phone the police. They will come. tell him he can't stay in the home while he is a threat to you and DD. He will have to go and stay somewhere until you all get sorted out.

This is quite stressful to contemplate I know, but once it's over it's much better for you and DD.

The police (and WA) attitude now that it is the perpetrator who has to leave not the victim. He has caused this, not you and you and DD have the right to live in a home without fear of violent attack.

PrinceHumperdink · 26/06/2011 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rockyroadtoruin · 26/06/2011 19:45

By stopping him seeing his daughter? No I won't do that.

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PrinceHumperdink · 26/06/2011 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onemorning · 26/06/2011 19:57

rocky, this is how it started with my mum and dad. A slap, then apologies, and a pause. Then another slap a while later. Before long it was fists, a broken jaw... and my mum scared to do anything. It was a shit thing for her to go through, and a shit thing to witness as a child.

Please get out so you and your DCs can be safe.

www.womensaid.org.uk/
www.refuge.org.uk/

tribpot · 26/06/2011 19:58

Sounds like he'd be quite willing to stop you seeing her, rocky.

jugglingmug · 26/06/2011 19:59

Rocky - some of the advice you have been given on here is inaccurate about your right to housing. Please see Shelter which explains that your council should consider you homeless if you are unable to return to your property because of the risk of violence.

Could you see your Health Visitor without DH being suspicious...I found mine fantastic when I was going through the break up of my marriage. Similarly, your local Sure Start Children's Centre will have people who can help and will allow you to use their phone. Please take your time today, make a plan with assistance from experts who will have experience in keeping women in your situation safe.

And TBH, I'd make use of the time he's at the GP to do that...I think you will be in danger of you ask to go with him. Your responsibility is to keep you and your DC safe, that's being a good mother.

pickgo · 26/06/2011 20:10

Is it money that is primarily making you feel trapped RR?

Could you afford to rent somewhere on your own?

rockyroadtoruin · 26/06/2011 20:18

No it's not that. I was hoping he would realise he has a problem and change but he's just blaming everything on me. And after today when he asked me to abort our baby I can't forgive him, this is a turning point. It hurts more than anything he could do to me physically. How could he even say it? Sad

OP posts:
Fifis25StottieCakes · 26/06/2011 20:19

The answer is simple and i think you already know it.

You either stay, put up with it, live in fear and damage your kids.

The other option is you leave and make a new life with your kids where non of you will live in fear of an alcoholic bully.

Its not easy especially at the beginning but once you are sorted life will be better.

You have had some excellent advice on here with regards to what to do and who will help you. Its your choice whether you use it and get out or carry on the way you are.

You are damaging you DD more by staying and you as her mother are the only person who can change how she grows up

Blu · 26/06/2011 20:56

Really sorry about his wanting you to terminate your pg, Rocky.
He isn't asking you to work with him so much as demanding that you subjugate your life to his needs over and above all else Sad

He should be begging your forgiveness, not telling you how to behave.

See a solicitor, with all your questions about what you do about your mortgage, etc. Hopefully you can plan to do that this week.

And in the meantime keep a bag packed, your important documents handy - bank / birth certificate, dd's birth certificate, passports / and enough money for a cab so that you can run at a moment;s notice if he turns violent again.

And do not hesitate to call the police if he turns physically aggressive.

dittany · 26/06/2011 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pickgo · 26/06/2011 21:15

He is saying abort the baby because in an inverted way it is a big enough thing to show how big his problems are. - a big problem (his stress and 'unhappiness'/violence/drinking) = big solution (abortion).

It's also a neat way to blame you and justify himself. You don't have an abortion therefore anything else he does is your fault. Can you see why the violence will now escalate?

I'm so sorry this has happened RR.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 26/06/2011 21:58

Rocky: he doesn't get to say what happens next. He is not all powerful and he doesn't get to do exactly what he likes without consequences. He is a violent drunk, so he can be forcibly removed from the home, forbidden to return to it and still be legally obliged to pay the mortgage - or a court order will force the sale of the house and you will get half of the money. Though the most likely thing a court will do is rule that you and your DC get to stay in the house and this man is then prohibited from setting foot in it. And if he refuses to pay the mortgage and the house is repossessed, he will still be liable for the debt.
You can go into a refuge temporarily while this is being sorted out. You are married to this shit, therefore you have legal rights over the family home that cannot be overturned just because he says they can.

rockyroadtoruin · 26/06/2011 22:10

He knows where this is heading. After the conversation about abortion he said if we ever split up he will kill me before I take dd away from him, and that's when he is stone cold sober. I have to get out. very soon

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HerHissyness · 26/06/2011 22:11

Rocky, I know all this is scary, the situation you find yourself in and now this thread barking at you somehow. I know it's overwhelming.

deep breath.

Let's look at the facts. Your H drinks, and he has hit you twice. He has told you to abort your child and your life with him is miserable.

You are a smart woman, you know the answer is to leave, but you are frightened of doing so. you think you can't do it. you think you will fail.

You won't fail. You will survive, you'll do better than that, you'll thrive.

Sadly, as much as we all would love it to happen, your H waking up one day and slapping himself in disbelief at what he's done to you, forcing him to never again raise his hand or even voice to you for the rest of your lives is not going to happen. Seriously, it won't. he won't stop. no matter how much you want him to stop, he won't.

The others are right in everything they say to you, they are frustrated at the situation, they care enough to want to see you get out of this.

Some of us have escaped situations like this. It really IS the only answer.

Hold on to what he said about the abortion, it'll help strengthen your resolve. There really IS no going back after that. We all need the straw that broke the camel's back, let that one be yours.

Get yourself educated as to your rights, best case and worst case scenarios. If you wanted to play hardball, or if it was amicable.

Know your options.

I can't stress that enough, it will make you feel as if you have so much more power, because he won't be able to intimidate you with horror stories about if you dare to leave him.

Knowledge is power love, you need both! You can and must do this, for your unborn child, for DD and for you. You deserve a better life than this.

HerHissyness · 26/06/2011 22:13

Oh crap, x-post.

OK, call women's aid now, get your bag together, docs, stuff, money, photos of the DC, passports, the lot.

If you are afraid of him, please call the police, tell them he has made death threats against you and hit you and you need him to leave.

rockyroadtoruin · 26/06/2011 22:14

I don't think he'd seriously do that but he would try to stop me

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HerHissyness · 26/06/2011 22:15

2 women a week die at the hands of their partners.

he said that stone cold sober, and has hit you when drunk...

he just MIGHT... you can't afford to find out if he's bluffing

xpatmama · 26/06/2011 22:18

argh Rocky! thinking about you. Keep calm and do what's necessary. Maybe time to just get out to a shelter...

getting quite worried about you here.

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