It's happened again...

[rockyroadtoruin]

A month ago my DH came home drunk. he took a dislike to something I said and hit me. At the time he said I deserved it and called me some foul names but once he sobered up the next day he was very sorry for what he did and promised it was a one off.

I was in complete shock as he had never been violent before, plus we have a 2 year old DD and baby on the way who I have to think about so I forgave him. Maybe I am naive but I thought that would be the end of it.???

After work tonight he had two friends round, they had some drinks and we were all chatting and having a bit of a laugh. but when they left he snapped.
He shouted that I had made him look like a complete fool and I had been flirting with his friend. I tried asking what he was talking about but he said I disgust him.he told me to get away from him and pushed me backwards onto the chair

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can cope with two children on my own. Can I make him change? Will counselling help?

I would like to stay and get him to leave for a while but I don't think that will happen. I don't see why I should have to leave and neither does he

My guess is that the deal will be he goes to "the doctors" (lay odds you won't be allowed to go with him - and further lay odds "the doctor" will say that he is just 'depressed' about the pregnancy) and then you have an abortion.

This doctors appointment came to light on a Sunday did it? That day when surgeries are notoriously taking appointment bookings. (In fairness, mine does offer online booking but it's rare to get an early appointment that way).

What form does working 'with' him take, has he explained?

First time posting on this thread but have been following.

Did he specify how you are 'working against him'? Is this by you questioning the fact that he is drinking heavily and pushing you around?

He is a right piece of work. He can obviously sense that you are having some doubts about the relationship, so is throwing you a little something that he thinks will keep you happy for a while. He probably won't go to this appointment (if he even has one), or if he does, he will come back saying that the GP has given him some anti-depressants and something along the lines of saying that he should not be put under stress at home, ie you need to not 'give him any grief'. If you step out of line then, you will 'deserve' any abuse you get (this is how he will justify it).

At the moment you are still very much in the mindset of 'I love him, I don't want to break up, we can work this out together'. That is probably because the abuse has only recently developed from verbal to physical. I hope that you will come to your senses soon, and see that the only way this can end happily is if you leave him.

Your DD has already been negatively affected by your DH's behaviour. PLEASE get out before she suffers more.

Best wishes to you.

PS and before YOU suffer more. You deserve to be treated with love and kindness too.

He says he booked it on friday but I don't know why he didn't tell me on friday. What he doesn't know is that I've got wednesday and thursday off work so on wednesday morning I'll suggest I go with him, see what he says.
Working with him means I need to be more supportive and give him time to work on his issues. I also need to consider a termination because the timing is wrong and his health should come first before any future children. He says a good wife would agree with that. I told him I've considered it and the answer is no.

Jesus Christ have you asked him to consider 'your' health at all?

I'm sorry but I've now run out of sympathy. Get yourself out of there right now, the guy is a self-centred idiot.

what is his definition of a 'good husband'?
your feelings are not being considered at all here are they?

Rocky what RL support do you have? Parents? Friends?

"I also need to consider a termination because the timing is wrong and his health should come first before any future children. He says a good wife would agree with that. I told him I've considered it and the answer is no."

Good for you! What he said would be laughable if it wasn't so awful. His health should come first? ie his need to drink more alcohol should come first. And before any future children? What about the one living inside you already? That's not a future child, it's a current one! He is extremely selfish and you need to get rid Rocky!

Tell him a good husband would give you space to be safe and not force his wife to live with him while he is drinking and aggressive.

I take it you've decided to wait till he punches you again?

Yes I know, an 11 week old baby is nearly fully formed. I'm going to speak to him and tell him I'll give him time but we need to be living apart. This isn't fair on dd at all. And like somebody said, he is only around at the weekends anyway so it's no different really. Just without him stumbling home drunk monday-friday.

Are you going to find a time when he's sober enough for that conversation, rocky? Has he started drinking already today?

No he's not touched anything yet today which is a miracle. If we have that conversation he will start drinking but I know we need to have the conversation. oh gosh, my stomach's doing somersaults already

Unfortunately my family live 100 miles away but I do have friends round here who would be sympathetic. One of my colleagues left her alcoholic husband a few years ago when their daughter was three years old because she had started to pick up on things and get upset when she saw her daddy drunk.

Perhaps he won't be so bad if he thinks we'll still be together but living apart for dd's sake?? What do I say to him? I'm so scared

I can see you want to say something to him today (that's good) but do you have your plan ready if things go pear shaped .

Do you have passports and bank statements in a bag ready to go some clothes and toys for dd, do this before you have the conversation then you can just run if you need to. There are lists on other threads of the really uiseful essentials to prepare beforehand.

I know you think he's ok at them moment because he hasn't been drinking what happens if he goes out after the chat what then .

Be prepared as honestly this will be a difficult and realistically potentially dangerous time for you.

Good luck

He has problems with drink, which he may be able to change.

However he cannot change the underlying problem which is that he is a nasty man.

You have blinkers on to his bad side, you're acting as if he is just the nice part of him. but that's not true, the "real" him is both sides.

However much you drank, would you speak to him in the way he's spoken to you? Or hit him?

The drink doesn't make him be an arsehole. He IS an arsehole.

My current, lovely DP drinks, probably more than is good for him to tell the truth, but he is never nasty to me. He got drunk last night, for example, and do you know what he did? We danced round the front room to Glastonbury on the TV. When he is drunk he gets soppy and says nice things so me. He would never say abusive things, because he is not an abusive man.

I'm sorry to say that your current partner is an abusive man, and that will not change, no matter how many times goes to the Dr. His treatment of you is absolutely inexcusable.

The best thing you can do with regards to talking to him is to find a way to stop caring about what he does or feels (easier said than done I know) and simply inform him that you've left.

I don't blame you being scared. If I was you I'd leave when he's not there and tell him you've left from a distance, on the phone, to make sure he can't hit out at you or emotionally blackmail you into staying.

But if I leave where am I going to go? I will still be liable for half the mortgage (and he will hold me to that) and have to pay for somewhere else, I can't do it. I don't want to try and leave or get him to leave when he's drunk for fear of what he'll do. But he is so rarely sober now it's going to be difficult. Meanwhile I have to live with him when he comes home off his fucking head.
God how did it come to this?

Ok, as he has hit you, you can get him removed, could HE afford half the mortgage and somewhere else?

Could you sell the house?

You don't have to live with a violent drunk, this is 2011! IMO, he has to go.

Don't think for a second he's gonna offer to pay all the mortgage and not coming looking for dd, he's already made it clear.
Yes he could afford half the mortgage and somewhere else, he earns a lot more than me.

Do you know where you'll go?

Do your RL friends know what's going on? I expect their support would be very helpful. Can you talk it over with any of them?

Sorry, cross posts.

Could you stay with any of your friends while you sort stuff out? How about your family?

Women's Aid could find a refuge for you.

How does divorce work (I'm not married and have no knowledge of these things.)

Does anyone know, if rockyroadtoruin divorces him, what happens WRT to the house?

and the reason you think this pig of a man gets to call the shots is WHY exactly?

Don't you realise, by raising his hand he has lost all right to NORMAL.

You can remove him, take him to the cleaners, get him to pay ALL your maintenance AND insist on access through a contact centre.

YOU have the moral authority here. Use it!

(((hugs)))