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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How red are these flags?

395 replies

OBlimey · 15/06/2011 09:02

Just started dating someone again after some time on my own after end of a long term relationship.

Met someone a few months ago, but having a few doubts/niggles and not sure if I am being paranoid.

These are the issues...

  • Divorced twice at 42, possible cheating on his part, both marriages a few years only
  • Starting to talk about children on third date
  • Blows hot and cold
  • Hates making plans in advance but likes me to be around with little notice
  • Any disagreement means silent treatment
  • Caught him out in a few lies, not even big ones but there was just no need?
  • Likes to big himself up? Not sure why, and appear more well to do than he is?
  • Seems to like being in control if that makes sense

Other silly things but I am getting very wary!

Other than that a great guy but reading these boards I am getting jittery

OP posts:
ScarlettIsWalking · 15/06/2011 18:23

Did you respond to his email?

Also you said It was great sex but then he was " forceful in bed" Hmm

Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 18:29

No haven't responded to email.

Forceful sort of yes. A few times in the mornings I would have showered and got dressed for work, be putting on make up, and he wd literally drag me back to bed, just pulling my underwear off, and in bed he often sort of says do this do that etc, nothing bad but one morning I really wanted to get up, go to loo and clean teeth and he wouldn't let me.

Sorry TMI

OP posts:
Reality · 15/06/2011 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmberLeaf · 15/06/2011 18:31

So he's a rapist too.

akaEmmaFrost · 15/06/2011 18:33

Please tell me this man is not Scottish I beg of you. I am in London too and had one just like this, he works for himself too and wears English Gentlemen Stylee outfits, also married twice and in early forties. I almost hope it is him! Because if it isn't then I am wondering how many of these nutters there are out there?!

Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 18:34

No it wasn't rape at all, I promise.

Just twattish, and I did enjoy it, but would rather have cleaned teeth first

OP posts:
Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 18:35

@Emma no he's not scottish, is there an epidemic?!

Was yours the same?

OP posts:
babyhammock · 15/06/2011 18:37

You think its funny because at the moment you are still your own person and have a really lovely sense of humour. He will destroy that.

Everything you said was my ex at the beginning (even what he was like in bed)... I wouldn't in a million years have thought he would ever hurt me. I was very wrong. If only I had listened to these red flags, and they were ALL there, I would have avoided 5 years of hell.

He can't be friends... he isn't friends with women.
Already he has you doubting yourself and feeling bad even though he told you to FO and that he would change his number.

He won't change his number and he won't leave you alone.

IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE

AnyFucker · 15/06/2011 18:39

Your lighthearted and giggly reactions to people giving you serious warnings are confusing me.

You are also tremendously naive.

You really didn't get the subtext to his "can we stay friends" email ? After everything that's been said on this thread ? Knowing this is your 3rd 4th ? attempt to offload this loser, and he "hasn't let you" before ?

You need to get real and stop having a larf, seriously.

Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 18:40

Or at least not a scottish accent?

OP posts:
Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 18:42

Any fucker

I honestly think he's just a twat, if he does anything to make me think he is
harmful I will report him I promise.

I also think he will get bored and give up

And if you met him and his airs and graces and english gent clothes I think you too would find him amusing!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/06/2011 18:45

I wouldn't

I have no tolerance for that bullshit

babyhammock · 15/06/2011 18:48

Abusive men aren't openly abusive at all in the beginning... but they do all have red flags. Your bloke has all these flags.

And yes they are charming, vulnerable, amusing like they need looking after,.... that's how they get their claws in. You won't really see who he is until its too late

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 15/06/2011 18:49

Babyhammock - that's spot on. If they were abusive from the get go, they wouldn't be able to snare their victims.

Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 18:51

Babyhammock

I have always thought he was a bit of a pretentious twat, but although I am laughing some of these thread responses have made me not wish to stay in any contact with him, even as friends.

Naively I thought if he had been married twice, then he couldn't have been abusive but no longer sure that is the case.

He has said he is looking for number 3.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/06/2011 18:53

of course, if they were outwardly nasty from the beginning we would run a mile

I know my twat radar is pretty highly-tuned for very good reasons, but really, when a man even hints about how it's going to be, you should take very good notice

twats are not "loveable buffoons" who need saving from themselves, they are a species to be avoided at all costs

OP, what were you thinking even getting involved with such a loser in the first place ? Your radar needs a bit of lubricaton, it is rusty.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2011 18:53

lubrication

AnyFucker · 15/06/2011 18:55

why would the fact he has been married twice make you think there wasn't a problem with him ?

I would be inclined to think the opposite (when added to the ridiculous lies and frankly stupid posturing)

you dodged a bullet there, OP, well done to you

now fgs, keep that bulletproof vest on

akaEmmaFrost · 15/06/2011 18:57

Yes mine was just like this. I posted about him at the time and receieved much of the same advice that you are.

Mine was looking for Number 3 too, within days he was talking about the Big House we would live in. He had a child that he stopped seeing when she was about 8 months old because it was "easier" for everyone. My first inkling of a problem was when he saw a picture of my dc and said "oh your dd is much better looking than mine", I mean wtf who thinks that about their own child. He knew what his own child looked like because he had found her on Facebook Hmm.

Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 18:59

Thanks AF

I will.

Buffoonishness has made me not take seriously, but these comments seem to suggest I should.

OP posts:
Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 19:00

Emma, this is ringing bells, has he one daughter?

Please show me your thread

OP posts:
akaEmmaFrost · 15/06/2011 19:02

Yes, one daughter, will look for the thread, it was under another name so will have to try to remember.

Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 19:06

Did you bin him?

Really like to read your thread, you can PM name and I can search if you like, don't think its same person though as twat hasn't got a scottish accent

OP posts:
akaEmmaFrost · 15/06/2011 19:10

No this bloke was very Scottish, although hated being, used to support England in sport Hmm. He was quite short as well, I think you said earlier yours was taller.

Yes I binned him. I went one day to get my stuff back and he aggressively tried it on with me and then told me I was "behaving like a total twat" when I wouldnt respond. If I wasnt sure about dumping him before that I certainly was then.

akaEmmaFrost · 15/06/2011 19:11

I will look for that thread but I de-regged in a huff one day and it was under that account so may be gone forever.