How red are these flags?

[OBlimey]

Just started dating someone again after some time on my own after end of a long term relationship.

Met someone a few months ago, but having a few doubts/niggles and not sure if I am being paranoid.

These are the issues...

• Divorced twice at 42, possible cheating on his part, both marriages a few years only

• Starting to talk about children on third date

• Blows hot and cold

• Hates making plans in advance but likes me to be around with little notice

• Any disagreement means silent treatment

• Caught him out in a few lies, not even big ones but there was just no need?

• Likes to big himself up? Not sure why, and appear more well to do than he is?

• Seems to like being in control if that makes sense

Other silly things but I am getting very wary!

Other than that a great guy but reading these boards I am getting jittery

OBlimey - in what way have you misjudged him? Dozens of posters with harrowing personal experience have pointed out that he will not go at the first attempt. They have judged him completely correctly - he did exactly what they said he would.

You yourself have already admitted that your previous attempts to end the relationship failed because he ignored the fact you had ended it and worked his way back. There is nothing different happening here. He will probably be convinced he can talk you around this time too - he has in the past, why would he think anything has changed?

Don't engage. Don't respond. Don't give the benefit of the doubt. Walk away.

If he continues pressure (at first nice stuff and then steadily not so nice) keep a record and don't be afraid to go to the Police. Don't think that you are over-reacting.

I can't speak with the authority of other posters here as I have not been in one of these relationships, but a good friend experienced this and it was completely miserable. If I could see that as a third party, how much worse to live through it.

Do they all try the friends route then?

You are not a cow! You have finished it with him, told him not to contact you again, and what does he do? After telling you to FO, he realises that being a grumpy sod doesn't get him anywhere so it's back to the Mr Reasonable act again; but he's still ignoring your wishes, isn't he? He didn't finish it, so it isn't over.

Oh yes it is matey.

Just read latest posts, thank you.

Don't work together, he was so reasonable that I felt I had over reacted and he seems quite genuine about friends.

But yes he has done this before

Oh yes. You could have described an ex -bf there, he was twat who just wanted to be friends and when I wouldn't described himself as "the better person" because he held no grudges over the end of the relationship - yeah, that'll be because he didn't get punched.

Not got a false religous streak has he?

Annie, thank you, your posts make me laugh.

Easier to deal with abuse, but when nice I feel bad

And he will do it again. He'll keep doing it as long as it works.

Do a test. Ignore him for a week and then come back and tell us what happened.

Lol..ok will ignore and post back in a week

If they are such a catch ( and he thinks he is) why don't they just find someone new? Why keep trying to come back? Is it a control thing?

If someone binned me 4 times I would run

Don't try and understand him OP, or you'll spend a lifetime umming and ahhing over why he does he twatty things he does. Just move on and keep very busy until you have the required perspective.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Of course he seems genuine. He seemed genuine every other time he wormed his sad little way back. Does he fuck just want to be friends, he wants to be in control and this is how he does it.

Do you have a junk email folder where you can send any emails from him automatically?

exactly. nutter.

watch 'sleeping with the enemy' tonight. haha.

You lot have scared me, might set alarm tonight:-) Joking!

I can see you back with him in a short while tbh.

Why tell him you are changing your number?

"Forceful in bed." ? .

What worrying reading this thread has been.

Im concerned at the way you have said the replies have made you laugh, this is really not a funny situtation OP.

Dont play games [checking his line] just ignore

This man is dangerous you really need to realise that.

No FAB not going back.

Changing number and communicating it means business I think.

I haven't had many sexual partners so what I think is forceful might not be to alot of people. But I had some small concerns there but might be too much info really.

Doesn't really matter what any one else thinks. If you thought it was forceful then it was forceful.

I think people have responded like they hae because they KNOW his type. If you respond to him, even in a moment of weakness..he's got you. And ou already saying you are feeling like a cow is not good. Don't ignore those insticts. They were given to us for a reason.

@Amberleaf

Really he is not dangerous, he's just hard work and a bit of a twat.

Honestly dangerous is one thing he is not

OBlimey

The most dangerous thing about this man, is that hes fooled you into thinking he's harmless

I would have described my friends husband as hard work and a bit of a twat, with many of the traits you've described.
She left him after 2 kids and 10 years of marriage following a campaign of emotional and physical abuse that had gone on for at least 7 years which she had been very good at concealing from even her closest friends.
He may not seem dangerous now, but what you have described are all red flags for much more serious behaviour that often doesn't come out until the perpetrator has really got his hooks in.

"when nice I feel bad"

What's nice about blowing hot and cold (even if he is currently blowing hot), what is nice about the silent treatment for a petty issue, what is nice about the tit for tat that you described? Etc etc....

And most importantly of all, what on earth is "nice" about ignoring your statement that you want to cut things off and suggesting that you just carry on as normal.

Don't look at the sugar coated words that make him look all reasonable - look at his actions - which ignore you and belittle you whenever you express views or opinions or preferences that are not in his favour.

Seriously, I wouldn't laugh otherwise.

He would never lift a hand I am sure, not dangerous in the slightest.

They don't need hands to hurt you.