Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How red are these flags?

395 replies

OBlimey · 15/06/2011 09:02

Just started dating someone again after some time on my own after end of a long term relationship.

Met someone a few months ago, but having a few doubts/niggles and not sure if I am being paranoid.

These are the issues...

  • Divorced twice at 42, possible cheating on his part, both marriages a few years only
  • Starting to talk about children on third date
  • Blows hot and cold
  • Hates making plans in advance but likes me to be around with little notice
  • Any disagreement means silent treatment
  • Caught him out in a few lies, not even big ones but there was just no need?
  • Likes to big himself up? Not sure why, and appear more well to do than he is?
  • Seems to like being in control if that makes sense

Other silly things but I am getting very wary!

Other than that a great guy but reading these boards I am getting jittery

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 15/06/2011 13:07

"FO I'm changing my number"

Congratulations, you are now his new "crazy stalker ex."

Now hurry and get the water on for that rabbit. Grin

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 15/06/2011 13:08

Oh and if he gets in touch again (which he will) either to blither about nothing or to vent his heartbreak/depression at you, ignore. He is just saying things to get to you, they are not real feelings.

Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 13:20

Just boiling some water...evil cackle!

OP posts:
Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 13:25

@Elephants

I hope he never gets in touch, he sounds very very angry but that might be a good sign that he understands we are kaput

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 15/06/2011 13:31

Love, I still think you're being very naive if you think it'll be as easy as that. It won't be, by a long shot. Because he is not the sort of man who is able to let a woman assert her power, is he, and you've just done that.

No testing. No answering. No justifying, no equivocating, no rationalising, no compromising. Come and post here if you start to crumble.

Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 13:40

Thank you I will

I do think this is the end of it now though

If someone changed their number on me I would go so quick I can't tell you, its
a pretty drastic step.

But yes tempted to test his, but won't

OP posts:
FairyLightsForever · 15/06/2011 13:58

Don't be so sure, OBlimey, I suspect that he will leave it for a while and then get back in contact.
I have experienced this, once with someone I was dating and then again more recently with a friend and her ex. She had told him that she was changing her number, but he still text her after a couple of weeks.
Don't make the mistake of responding- whatever your response, he will see it as a way back in again, either to send you abuse, or to try to weedle his way back in. Ignore (and post here Grin) and he will believe that you really did change your number (at which point, he may email you instead, again ignore and post here if you need to).

Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 14:07

Hi Fairylights

I really have changed my number!

That has been his MO in tha past but I'm hoping things different this time.

OP posts:
FairyLightsForever · 15/06/2011 14:28

Excellent, it took my friend several times round on the merry-go-round before she changed hers... she isn't nearly as strong as you sound, though.
She has changed everything, so he sent her a message on Facebook, because that was one of the only ways left to get to her. He also turned up at her house with a bag of things she'd left at his. Thankfully she lives in a flat with an intercom, so she told him just to leave it by the door and she'd get it later, so she didn't have to let him in!

Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 14:38

Not that strong...I got my friend to test his number:-)

Temp unavailable, lying fcuker

OP posts:
Trestired · 15/06/2011 14:44

I predict that in around 3 to 5 days he will attempt contact if he has anyway of contacting you and it will be either 'dont you think you are over-reacting a bit' or 'you have issues'.

Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 14:50

Trestired

Fine if he does, will send him url to this thread:-)

OP posts:
Trestired · 15/06/2011 14:53

: ) Crack open the bubbly! Lucky escape.

buzzsore · 15/06/2011 14:56

Knew it. Grin Soooo predictable.

Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 15:02

@Buzz yeah you were right, shouldn't have bothered to test but temp unavailable does not equal change of number

Liar to the end

OP posts:
Gay40 · 15/06/2011 16:19

Sounds like a right bell end with no redeeming features. Get on with the pies and beer - I like a woman who can enjoy herself.

Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 17:03

No might have misjudged him slightly, he has just agreed that we were not working, cares about me and wants to be friends, wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Via work email

I feel a bit of a cow now.

OP posts:
SingOut · 15/06/2011 17:06

'wants to be friends'? Err, NO you have not misjudged him. He is still a prize twat. He's still ignoring your wishes, subtly but firmly.

I'm delighted you have no experience of these kind of men once they get nasty, but do listen to the women on this thread who have been there. He is a lot more worrying than you are giving him credit for, and you need to give him a very, very wide berth. And don't respond to the email - obviously.

FairyLightsForever · 15/06/2011 17:07

Don't fall for it, it's how he'll worm his way in! Honestly, i have watched my friend go round this cycle repeatedly, DO NOT REPLY!!!

Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 17:12

You don't think he means it I take it?

Don't know, seemed genuine enough?.

Pondering replying, not sure, can't block from work email

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 15/06/2011 17:14

the fact that you are asking tells you, you know something is not right. move on before you get more involved

Trestired · 15/06/2011 17:16

OBlimey. This is his way back in. You are ALREADY doubting your own judgement. This is how they work! Before you know it it will be 'Let's go for a drink and a chat.'

How many people on here have said to you , 'It's early days. Give him a chance?'

Original poster
OBlimey · 15/06/2011 17:19

Its early days give him a chance.....had me cackling again

Yes you are right, he wants a shag

OP posts:
Trestired · 15/06/2011 17:19

If you reply to that email he knows he's got you. It's your choice of course but this is why I suggested you get on a date with someone else sharpish to take your mind off of him.

boysrock · 15/06/2011 17:21

Run like the wind. Beware he if you work together he may try to make life awkward for you.

In order to cut all contact i would email him back and say that it is best if he only contact you in a professional capacity, if he is unable to do this then make sure you involve hr as it becomes sexual harassment.

These men don't do staying friends, he does not have your friendship in mind and when properly rejected take every opportunity to try to portray themselves as the fantastic catch whilst you are the loon, this will involve making you feel uncomfortable.

Unortunately you have to be really strong and assertive to get them to understand you want nothing more to do with them and you are not to be messed with.