The no contact/texting/email thread

[cathkidstonbag]

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself :) He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back :( So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing :(
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

Hmmmm just logged on using my DC account and his public profile no longer says married either!!!
WTF would he do that? Has he stopped me being able to see his statuses because he's split from his wife? Why would he not want me to know?
Oh fuck he's got someone else hasn't he? :((

my kids are 13,10 and 4
his dd is 7 months
i cant even see a photo of him on fb as my dh kicked off about having my 1st love on my friends list so as sad as this sounds i got my sister to add him and she lets me look at his profile
i keep hoping he will change his mind
checking emails 10 times a day - thats not healthy

Oh and I get why you did that but the feeling when they don't reply is awful isn't it?
Want my morning confession to make you feel better? His best friend and wife are planning a UK visit next month. She used to be best friends with my best friend (is this making sense?) but they lost touch, so I sent the wife a FB msg today saying I know x (my bf) would love to meet up with her so I can arrange a surprise get together for them. I know that this woman will then tell OM that I have contacted and what I've said and I know he will be thinking that I could totally screw him over if I wanted to. But it could also be above board and friendly couldn't it.
Bet your message to OM doesn't seem so bad now!!!

Haven't read entire thread yet but I need to join you. Went on holiday with DP & his DSs & my DS & was awful. Took his key off his keyring when we got back (he didn't live with us) because he didn't behave as if we were a family and Iade it clear we needed to talk. He refused, and has communicated only by text saying he is upset and loved me etc . I've said we need to talk face to face and wouldn't contact him til he spoke to me properly but I keep texting him. I want him back. He's been a bastard and really selfish but I miss him. Please help me!

Will read rest of thread soon -DS hassling me!

Oh, having read thread, you all have far more complicated situations than mine. I feel silly now but I'm so angry with him. I've deleted all email addresses & phone nos now so my only option is to drive over to his parents house (30miles away) with DS & 10 yr old visiting Chinese student in tow and pummel exP til I feel very much better. This is probably not the best plan.

Perhaps I should bake a cake instead.

Grockle don't be silly you are very welcome here. But if you're baking I'd love some coffee cake :D I think you need to do NC for a while. What in particular was his behaviour on holiday like?
Mrsrobertsmith- well a few months ago if he'd have left his wife I would have assumed it was because of me and his feelings for me. Now I think it's probably because he's found someone else. It would explain his behaviour over the last few months but I can't ask him can I? He had the perfect marriage apparently so maybe he's just taken that off there to fuck with my head?

I feel like I want to tell you all something but I don't want to think about him and definitely don't want to wallow or feel if only so I don't know. DH is going out today and I am going to miss him so much.

Fab - tell us if it makes you feel better. But don't make yourself feel worse please.
MrsRS no I don't know that for sure. He kept going on in his last few emails about how much stress he was under but not telling me what kind of stress. Then the last one he told me it was mainly work, but didn't elaborate. TBH he never talked about his wife, I never asked. I don't know if maybe she found out about me but if so surely he would delete me not do this. I don't know what to think tbh. The last message I sent him was nice enough, I wasn't nasty to him or anything. Maybe a bit needy but the more he's pulled away the more like that I've got. I can't do anything can I? Maybe one day I'll find out. I really thought we had something.

I will be devastated if I was the cause of it. Particularly as it's so bloody pointless now. But I'm sure he would have deleted and blocked me if that was the case. More likely he's stopped me seeing his statuses so I don't know what he's up to and doesn't trust me not to write anything on his wall. So thereby proving hes not even my friend after all. I didn't deserve that, thought we were grown ups now! Right off to spend time with my family rather than wasting more of it on someone like him.

singout that is a great quote and I am going to try to keep remembering it. The "and it has already turned out" is particularly poignant for me.

OM has spent years telling me that he wished we'd met earlier (i.e before he married) and then later when I admitted that I wish he'd left his DW he would say why didn't you tell me before I had my family. I He is always expressing regret for our current situation which has previously given me hope that at some time we will be together but the fact is we're not. By his choice. Whatever the reasons, they are are largely irrelevant.

Yesterday was so hard. Day 4 is usually the longest he will leave NC so the fact that he hasn't contacted me really hurts.

At the moment I am determined not to contact him but I vacilate from one day to the next. I hate the game playing which seems to have crept into our "relationship" recently.

If I express sadness at being apart he responds in kind but will remark that it was my choice to move away, conveniently ignoring the fact that had I stayed we still wouldn't be together. Then there are times where I feel it is better to just be honest but I never receive what I am looking for which is either him to say not just that he wants to be with me but that he will be with me or to say that being apart is a terrible mistake. So I end up feeling such a fool.

He skirts around the issue: he'll say that "he is making the best", or "life is a compromise". I used to think that he was vague because expressing a clear view was such a betrayal of his DW but I think I am coming round to accepting that he doesn't make an obvious committment because he is simply not committed

Maybe I shouldn't be on here as I've now totally flouted the NC rule. I think Ive got closure now tho :D Decided I would FB message om and tell him exactly what I think about what he's done. He's had stroppy messages before but this was way out of that league. Pointed out that I have done nothing to deserve this in fact have been the perfect OW. Told him I want an explaination and have made it clear that if he wants to start playing games like this then bring it on. I reckon I'll be very quickly deleted and blocked tbh and that's fine. The more I think about this the more I see what a mean thing he's done. I feel so much better now. Like it finished on my terms.

OMG Of course you should be here - you need the support at least as much as the rest of us I am glad you feel a bit better and I understand what you say about it ending on your terms but what is really really important now is that if he does respond you do not under any circumstances respond.

Believe me I know how hard that is but you've said everything you could possibly say now and he is simply not going to react how you want him to.

I read an interesting book recently (Dsis left it here) "why men marry bitches" it is not totally relevant to our circumstances but the theme which is basically if you chase him he will want you less is one that I am trying to adhere to. It is hard reading as it makes me recognise the needy side of me but god I needed to hear that.

Good for you, omg. It was a really cowardly thing he did, because he gets to look to everyone else like you two are still friends and keep you hanging as a 'half friend' but you personally know the truth - that you can't see his wall. I've done this in the past to my ex and it's generally a pretty shitty thing to do, I feel bad about it now. And yes I was half wanting him off my wall as he was commenting on everything in sight and making my other friends hesitant to post, and half trying to get a reaction.

Your OM has got his reaction - and a reason to block you without him feeling bad - so I think he's got off pretty lightly. But if that's your parting shot, he'll rue the day he half-unfriended you I think
Now step AWAY from his facebook and concentrate on doing something nice for you!

Welcome, Grockle. Don't be daft, there isn't a ManBullshit/Misery quota you have to meet before you can post here. There are all sorts of reasons for being in the position of going no contact.

Ladies - I haven't checked my exes blog this morning as usual. Remind me why I shouldn't?! It's quite tempting.

Oh and I've only checked my phone three million times this morning

Well well well that must be a record for the quickest reply ever ... apparently he was playing with his security settings and didn't realise what he had done. And wants to know if it's working ok now? Which would be believable if he didn't work in IT!!!!
So he's expecting me to say that I over reacted and apologise and ask how he is ... nah fuck him, not happening. Think he's realised I might actually have all the cards here for a while.

Brilliant omg - now don't reply and walk away with dignity...

OMG do not reply - you know he is talking crap he has thrown you the proverbial bone so that he can then discrad you at a time which suits him. It is game playing.

singout don't check his blog because:

1. What do you care how he is feeling?
2. You don't want to provoke a reaction in you.
3. You will search for the "hidden meanings" - don't waste your day.
4. He knows you check it and that gives him the upper hand. You do not want him to have the upper hand.

erm...will that keep you going for now?

And now an email saying the same and asking how I am and various chitchat! WTF???

The weird thing is I can't remember what I was going to say now!

For those of you who struggle with still receiving emails from exes, what email program do you use? For me, I use Gmail which is free webmail provided by Google. But in many cases I think the same thing applies whichever email you use.

All you have to do is go to your mail settings and create a filter that applies to the exes email address, their full name or whatever. I've used this method when I was really struggling with the idea I would receive something from him. I went to pieces with any message or missed IM, it was doing my head in and crashing into my day ruining it whenever he contacted me, my heart would thump so hard my torso jolted, I felt sick, shaky, scared... so I used a filter to 'funnel' any messages from him into a named folder, bypassing the inbox. Doing so gave me back control over the situation, and stopped the heart in mouth lurching whenever I saw that I had any new mail - because I KNEW it wouldn't be him. If I got a message from him, it would show in the sidebar that there was something new in the folder I'd created with his name where all emails from him were redirected. Then I knew without even seeing the subject that he'd messaged, I could take some deep breaths, give myself a pep talk and then read it, if I chose.

I mean, after all, why should they infiltrate our email they way they've infiltrated our heads and hearts? Don't give these men that privilege, keep them in their own separate space so the rest of your life (or email) isn't soiled with their silly messages. It cuts down on the urge to reply, too. Perhaps because it makes clear that they are a different case with different rules, and do not deserve or need the normal courtesy of a swift email response.

The stronger among you may just want to divert all messages from exes straight to the trash