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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The no contact/texting/email thread

849 replies

cathkidstonbag · 14/06/2011 14:19

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself :) He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back :( So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing :(
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

OP posts:
SingOut · 17/06/2011 17:13

Oh god, Blondie well if we're sharing embarassing confessions then my message to my ex today was to reiterate my promise that if he ever needed me, my door was always open if he wanted to visit. His blog post indicated he was now uncertain about the offer still standing and how it had been the only thing keeping him going. So I said that it would always stand. Which considering he managed to get off his backside a total of twice in 11 months and actually come see me (a few hundred miles apart and neither of us drives) then my offer is both understandable and yet also pathetic. I never saw him enough and he never seemed able to step up and do what was needed. I love him. But I feel pretty lousy considering how I've prostrated myself emotionally and left the door open forever. Even though I wanted to and still want to; I have to leave a little bit of room for hope or I think I'd die.

Essentially I've said: 'I know you treated me like shit throughout our time knowing one another, BUT if it all gets too much and the lack of contact is destroying you, all you have to do is turn up and I will be very very nice to you'.

I don't know what that says except that I have low self esteem, and I love him very much, a stupid amount really.

Chin up, perhaps today was just a falling off the wagon day and it things will get better for us all now?

TheOriginalFAB · 17/06/2011 17:15

I miss mine still but it is the only choice I had. I remember how he hurt me and I wouldn't take that from anyone else. I once jumped one boy because he shortened my name Hmm but I put up with my ex doing all sorts.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 17/06/2011 17:58

Singout - I can see why you sent him that message. There obviously is still a huge connection between you that you relies on emotionally if not physically. I sent a similar message to OM 2 months ago when I tried to break it off. All that did was reinforce his impression that I'm a complete doormat. The more I read on here and the BR site the more I realise how pathetic and needy I have been. Yes he's played games but I've let him because I thought that's all I was worth. If 6 months ago I'd refused to go down the flirting route with him I'd probably still have him as a friend. Gutting to realise that.

OP posts:
fizzfiend · 17/06/2011 17:59

OMG - I will tell...eventually Blush

If you do HAVE to respond. Try and respond with something upbeat and amusing. He's probably hoping you will send a "poor me, I miss you" text. It will give you so much more of a kick to feel a bit of power, rather than turning to a jelly everytime he pushes your buttons. Not criticising, trust me, just from experience!

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 17/06/2011 17:59

That he relies on that should say!

OP posts:
Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 17/06/2011 18:01

Fizzfiend - if I ever get anything to respond to!!! I keep wondering if I can turn it round back to how it was but I don't know. He's treated me really badly which he acknowledges so why do I need him in my life???

OP posts:
SingOut · 17/06/2011 18:06

"He's treated me really badly which he acknowledges so why do I need him in my life???"

I suspect that's what we're all trying to answer here, in our own ways and our own time. Oh and, responding to an earlier post; I don't see this as an OW thread as such, although I'm happy that no-one's bothering with the usual vilification and ow-bashing that often occurs. I see this as more of a place for any woman who has put up with less than acceptable from a man, and is now wanting to change that.
Sadly, with so many of these blokes, that means going cold turkey and cutting contact :( Because they're just not capable of behaving well. It's up to us to distance ourselves from behaviour that will always be flakey, crappy, using, half-heartedly committed, and so on. As I think we're all finding, distancing is really really difficult!! :(
I wish I could afford proper therapy for at least 5 years...

onethatgotaway · 17/06/2011 18:19

OMG - why do you still want to be friends with someone who makes you feel like doormat? I know I can't talk, as I'm in exactly the same position as you with the OM, but it is gradually dawning on me that perhaps having a 'friend' like him is really unhealthy. If I had a female friend who treated me similarly I would simply break contact. We are definitely kidding ourselves that we can go back to being friends, in my opinion. Mine started out as harmless flirting and look where it has got me - 10 months down the line and my marriage nearly fell apart, and I'm now on ADs. Why did I let someone who quite clearly does not give a toss about me affect my life so dramatically?
I had a good day today, but now feel a bit sad that another week has gone by with no contact. Annoying! Angry

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 17/06/2011 18:26

I don't know :( He didn't use to treat me like a doormat. He used to treat me like I was something important to him ... then I think he got bored :S I'll never know I don't think, it went from full throttle continual contact to him disappearing for a few days and since then it's never been the same. I've asked but never had an answer. Wish he would have said "I'm bored with you/love my wife too much/have found someone else" anything would have been better than this. Now his excuse is he's too busy for me :( He is a total control freak, if ever I made him wait 30 mins for a reply he'd make me wait 40. He had to be in control, I don't know why.

OP posts:
onethatgotaway · 17/06/2011 18:35

Hmm, sounds very familiar. Mine started off as endless texts, long phonecalls, impulsive visits out of the blue. He then decided things were becoming too intense and put a limit on the amount of times we would have contact per week. This gradually became less and less, however when we were together it WAS amazing.
Oh, I got to go now, cut this short as My Ds is sitting by me and wants to go on computer. Time for Wine!

Mrsrobertsmith · 17/06/2011 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 17/06/2011 20:12

Mrsrobertsmith - 2 weeks is still such a short time in your situation. How does OMs wife feel about it, is she forgiving OM? Does your DH know?
I'm trying to avoid wine at the moment - too much wine and I write the most pathetically begging emails!
Technically with the time difference I'm nearly at 4 days now but weekends are always difficult as they are so awful and I miss the distraction.

OP posts:
Blondie73 · 17/06/2011 20:36

Mrs Robertssmith, I have a bottle of rose I can share with all you guys (red gives me a terrible headache!!)

:)

Mrsrobertsmith · 17/06/2011 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOriginalFAB · 17/06/2011 20:39

I was doing fine until I got drunk so I am off booze completely now.

Mrsrobertsmith · 17/06/2011 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 17/06/2011 21:10

Mrsrobertsmith - do you feel like it's over? If it is do you think you will confess to your DH? And yes I think we all have similar stories it's interesting in a way. Glad you feel calmer not to have messages, I feel a bit like that sometimes but tonight I just feel overwhelming sadness for somebody who I thought was my missing piece. I'm obviously not his tho :(
Fab - join me in some nice sparkling elderflower presse? I hadn't had an alcoholic drink for 15 years till this January. I blame it for a lot of the problems!!! Best for us to keep sober and keep our defences up :D

OP posts:
Mrsrobertsmith · 17/06/2011 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hardshipuntold · 17/06/2011 21:41

im in the same boat - i have been having an emotional affair with my 1st love for 2 years and in that time ive met with him only twice- once a year dispite living so close.
we only contact each other by email ,as we are both married a few days ago he said he wont contact me anymore as he felt i was going all crazy on him ,i want to be cool and not worry when he doesnt mail me quickly but i just keep mailing him , honestly he is like a drug a few words from him makes me so happy.its so painful i feel sick ,i dont think i can be happy without him Sad
he is the only man ive ever loved.

SingOut · 17/06/2011 21:54

hardship, that sounds really difficult :( Have you had any counselling or read any self help books about addictive relationships and how they occur? Does your DH know?

hardshipuntold · 17/06/2011 22:01

no dh doesnt know,im very carefull with emails and as much as i hate to i delete them asap,we have been married 14 yrs -i dont love him ,we have had a very hard time in the last few years i dont trust him either and in some way its like im getting back at him ,i know this can never lead anywhere ,he has a dd and i have 3 kids but we both feel so strongly for each other,well i thought so anyway.i have tried and failed to break contact with him before and its always me that gives in and starts it again.
i have so many wonderfull memories of when we were together and we are so compatable ,my dh doesnt get me or even know me ,he couldnt name one band i liked .
he has suggested many times that i break up with dh but i cant what will it do to my childrens life ,i cant be so selfish.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 17/06/2011 22:06

Mrsrobertsmith - it does sound like you need to sort your head out and decide what to do. I hope you get some chance to do that.
Hardshipuntold - bit like my marriage then. You have to think about what not leaving will do to your life maybe?

OP posts:
SingOut · 17/06/2011 22:09

How old are your DC's, hardship? I understand your reasoning in a way, I felt like that when I was still with my son's Dad. However, my little one is much happier now that his parents aren't together because he has a much happier mum and he isn't learning damaging lessons about what relationships are like.
You've obviously left your DH in your mind, just not physically. That can be a solution of sorts for you short-term but long-term it tends to eat away at you, so you have my sympathies...

ijustdont · 17/06/2011 22:14

OMG - thought i was the only one out there, thought i was a bad wife and mother and knowing that if i posted on here i could get shout down in flames....
ladies i know where your all coming from.... I (shamefully ) started an affair with OM - he is an amazing, caring and loving person, has so much to give and it has mainly started with texts, just little things at first then slowy progressing, this has been going on for the last 6 months, it was emontinoal to start with with be a couple of months ago progressed to physical.... I have extremely strong feelings for him as he does me but we have both admitted that were not prepared to pull our life part for each other, i have 2 boys 9 and 4 and he has a 2 young children aswell.
I do love my DH he provides for us and is a good dad but just don't give a lot when it comes to our relationship..... i know he loves me but he is not a romantic and very rarely shows the affection or attention that i want or need where om knows what to say......

Recently has has been caught texting and we have decide to stop contact, well only lasted 2 days then emails arrived...... I know its for the best that i break the contact and concentrate on my husband but i miss him so much and my life feels empty with his communicating..... Told him today that am happy to be friends but know more dissscuing our feelings.......
will have to message you girls instead...
Thank you for reading if you got this far

SingOut · 17/06/2011 22:20

Welcome, ijust. I find posting on here instead of writing to my ex very helpful :) On the Baggage Reclaim site she has some good strategies like writing a letter to the person and then burning it, which I haven't tried yet. But writing here is quite cathartic. I sometimes worry that my ex has stalked me here and is reading everything I'm saying, but hopefully if that's happened (even after my namechange... I used to be called C.V) he'll respect my space here and not read what I post.)

Ahem, got that disclaimer out of the way Grin Where was I? Oh yes, writing here is super helpful because it takes the urge to communicate with him and initially appears to fulfill it, then I realize I haven't actually talked to him and the No Contact is strengthened still further...