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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The no contact/texting/email thread

849 replies

cathkidstonbag · 14/06/2011 14:19

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself :) He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back :( So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing :(
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 17/06/2011 07:17

I don't know if I would ever get closure as I don't know what that would entail. I know how my ex feels about me, I know what he would like, It is me that can't handle just the odd contact as a friend. I feel great now tbh as I know it is getting easier and less intense each day. Last night threw me though as I dreamt that I woke up to find DH hadn't come home all night.him I texted him to say good morning and then I got a stroppy text back Confused and he turned up with a woman who it turned out he had shagged. He was awful to me and we were getting divorced as I wasn't taking him back.

The weird thing is my ex is more likely to turn up on my door step in 10 minutes than DH is to have an affair. I also wouldn't divorce him for a one off shag as tbh we have got through worse.

TheOriginalFAB · 17/06/2011 07:23

I told DH about my dream and he said I shouldn't be allowed to dream GrinHmm.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 17/06/2011 07:28

Fab - your DH sounds really lovely. I am so glad you have him to support you. Think you have definately made the right choice :)

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 17/06/2011 07:41

I know I have and I also know I am very lucky that he has forgiven me. He knows why I did what I did and I will be forever grateful he didn't leave me.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 17/06/2011 08:05

Fab :) At least you have got that to hold onto when the urge to contact gets strong.

Feeling very sorry for myself today. DH is back to treating me like dirt and OM doesn't even care enough to try and contact me.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 17/06/2011 08:12

Ignore OM for now. Concentrate on talking to your DH and telling him he has no right to treat you like dirt and it stops now. Maybe it is time to think about a trial separation if you don't feel like you can go for a full break up just now. I will go and familiarise myself with your other thread now.

TheOriginalFAB · 17/06/2011 08:15

I've only read your OP on the other thread as I need to get the kids to school but I just feel Sad for you and think you seriously need to think about where you go from here. You can't stay with a man you don't love and your children won't thank you for it.

onethatgotaway · 17/06/2011 11:51

One week of no contact successfully achieved! Hooray, feeling good about myself today and pleased that I have not felt the temptation to get in touch with OM. I don't want to give him the satisfaction yet again that I'm still not over him. Last week when I rang him he said, I had a sixth sense you were going to ring today - I expect he would say the same again if I rang today, but sorry mate your sixth sense is wrong! The brief feeling of elation that he had spared me 10 or 20 minutes of his precious time is not worth the feelings of self loathing that follow - going over and over the conversation, wondering what was meant by this or that comment and wishing I had said something I thought of straight afterwards.
Right, need to keep busy now and get on with my real life! :)

TheOriginalFAB · 17/06/2011 12:06

Mine said to me he would realise he hadn't heard from me for a bit and within 2 days I would ring him every time. I have accepted I will always miss him. The progress bit is realising I don't have to do anything about it i.e contact him.

onethatgotaway · 17/06/2011 12:23

Mine said to me once after a stint of no contact, I dreamt about you last night and then you rang me, making me think there must be some sort of telepathic connection - sometimes I wonder if he still dreams about me. I think I'll always miss him too but it does get easier as time goes on and the most important thing is not to go back to square one again by ringing or texting. I must be further forward than I was a couple of months ago as my phone goes off now and I my heart doesn't lurch at the possibility that it might be him - it never is, ha ha!

SingOut · 17/06/2011 12:24

Oh TOSS! That's three weeks of NC down the drain. but, but.. it was only a two line email, and only because I was worried he might top himself after reading his blog. Blush

Now I just need to work on not reading his blog. I wish it was possible to remove URL's/phone numbers etc from the brain, like in Eternal Sunshine. I'd be well away, then.

Dammit. :(

TheOriginalFAB · 17/06/2011 12:43

Forget the blip and move on Smile.

I just had a real kick but won't go to him.

You are all doing really well.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 17/06/2011 12:49

Singout - it's ok. 3 weeks was still good and you had your reasons. Has he replied tho?
Original Fab - am trying v hard to forget OM. It's difficult because for so long he made me feel better when DH made me feel like crap. And now I can't go to him for that, well I could go but he wouldn't answer. Have to face facts that I have two men in my life that don't want me :(
Onethatgotaway - I still have that lurching feeling when an email comes through. Wish that would go!

3 days today. Wonder at what stage he'll realise I'm ignoring him???

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TheOriginalFAB · 17/06/2011 12:52

omg - love [hugs]. One thing someone said to me was I should do things for me and not look for validation dependant on whether DH wanted sex with me or not. He says no to me much more than me to him whereas my ex would have had me if he thought I wouldn't go emotionally fucked after wards. You need to look to yourself for validation and make tracks for the start of your new life.

SingOut · 17/06/2011 15:25

Thanks, ladies. He hasn't replied but of course I'm hoping he will Hmm I must get a grip, now. I was quite proud of 3 weeks but have never really gone longer than that (with him) so I have a long standing record to beat. Perhaps really it's just that it's never gone 3 weeks without him getting scared and doing something very emotionally provocative which I fall for every time, I don't know. Sometimes I think he's a manipulative bastard, and at others just that he's a lost, hurting person who needs some love.
Oh well. Onwards and upwards.

omg, did you tell OM you were making a clear break? I find it's helpful if they have some idea otherwise they WILL contact you after a point and you'll have to resist that strong temptation. If you tell them not to it makes them look a bit of a tool when they go against your wishes, and that can highlight how much of a selfish idiot they are being.
AT the same time, 3 days is good so don't break contact just to tell him you're not speaking to him anymore Wink And yes I have done that in the past, haha Blush

Link of the day. I found this very eye-opening, though not keen on the emphasis on moving on by getting with someone new. Hpwever, there's some sterling advice here, especially on no-hopers and commitmentphobes.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 17/06/2011 16:00

Singout - no I didn't. Well I did then he sent a sad one so I responded with one about how I was happy to just have any old crumbs becos my life was so empty without him etc. He didn't reply. I sent a FB msg on Tues saying why aren't we talking if were supposed to be friends, no reply. So i really don't want to send one to tell him I'm not speaking to him. I'm guessing about now he might be wondering why I've gone quiet or he might be glad I have??? No way of knowing :(((

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 17/06/2011 16:08

This is so similar to my situation though my record is 8 weeks. I have never got past that.

Blondie73 · 17/06/2011 16:19

Oh God..... I jsut couldnt do it.... help!!! For some reason I just didnt have my mojo today, walked into the office and felt really really down and upset... we ended up having another of our wonderful conversations on the instant messenger and we've been slipping back into our comfortable interaction again.... him giving me compliments on my bum and hair..... oh god I need a ciggie!!!! Aaaaargh! I was feeling so strong and I've completely lost it all today!!!! :(

TheOriginalFAB · 17/06/2011 16:20

Just forget it and go back to feeling strong. You CAN do this.

Blondie73 · 17/06/2011 16:27

he's said he wants to be able to know that he's given his marriage his best shot at making it work but if it doesnt he'll be knocking on my door.... what do I think about this??? I had said at one point one of the times I finished it that if he should ever become single to come and find me, but that was ok cos I was saying it, but when he says it.... I kind of feel like some sort of back up.... what do you all think? Pls be kind...... x

TheOriginalFAB · 17/06/2011 16:29

Snap again.

Mine emailed me just after Christmas to say he realised how much he loved his wife but if he was on his own I would be his first call. That was 2 years ago and we were still talking until a few weeks ago.

Ignore
Ignore
Ignore

I KNOW how hard it is and how painful it is to read things like this. When I posted someone said to me that how would I say to the kids that I left their dad because I wanted sex with an ex. That really hurt but hit home.

fizzfiend · 17/06/2011 16:40

OMG...recently I fell into that self-pity state: two men (Ex DH and OM)...neither of them love me: what is wrong with me, poor me,etc. Then I told myself, that's it, I'll never open up to a man again, I'm going to be a hard-nosed bitch!

Something about being on this thread and reading BaggageR seems to have flipped the switch for me. Suddenly I feel free. I know he's at a party tonight with lots of gorgeous women and I honestly, honestly don't care. Well I care, but not enough to make me sad and obsessive. I hope this continues - prepare for my crashing down to earth!

But time apart is a wonderful thing. I don't even want to look for anyone else now. Trust me I have done some truly psycho things in this er "relationship"...too embarrassing to even think about. But maybe we should see these as a lesson we all had to learn to move on to someting better.

Have a good weekend everyone...and stay away from the phone/email!

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 17/06/2011 16:59

fizzfiend - no come on you now have to share those embarrassing things :D If it helps I once sent a semi-naked photo to OM to get him to start contact again. It worked ... for a week, till his interest waned. Altho he now seems to have a few 18 year olds on his FB and their profile piccys show more than that photo did :(

OP posts:
Blondie73 · 17/06/2011 17:05

I know FAB but its not sex with the ex - for me anyway! He's just left the office and told me he's going to have "the talk" with his wife tonight.... I asked him if the situation was reversed and it was me who was married and tring to decide who to be with, and it was me who would put him on tenterhooks while I "sorted out my marriage" whether that would make him feel second best.... he said no definitely not - that its not a competition between me and her, that its so much more than that.... oh blimey - I'm more mixed up than ever, but feeling better just having spoken to him and thats so so wrong!!! I know I know!

I;m in the office writing this so have to go, and I apologise for not having contributed anything to any of you guys' posts yet - I now have broadband set up at home (sorted it out last night!!) so hopefully can get online properly tonight and jump right in! Thanks for your support so far, and yes, lets please keep this thread going! Not all OW are brazen husseys! We're human and make mistakes too!

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 17/06/2011 17:08

Blondie73 - well it could be good if he's going to have the talk. Give him that chance at least. And then you can kick him to the kerb :D

OP posts: