The no contact/texting/email thread

[cathkidstonbag]

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself :) He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back :( So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing :(
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

Slight snap. Mine was actually looking for me before I looked for him. Years before he had asked a friend for my phone number and they refused to give it to him and then wrote to me and said he was married. He wasn't.

Mine hadn't bothered looking for me BUT he knew everything I had done in that time, addresses I'd lived at etc. He even knew what kind of car I drove last year :S Part of me used to think STALKER!!! But another part thought that meant he really had thought about me. Now I just think why did he know all that, was it because he really had missed me and if so why screw me over like this now???

Fizz - I think meeting him would be way too hard for you. Don't put yourself through that :(
Steeltowngirl - can only imagine how sad it must have been to make the break like that. And you stuck to your guns and saw it through. Am in awe of you.

Hi everyone, I'm so glad this thread is carrying on because its so nice to know you're not the only one feeling this way. Also refreshing that no-one has come on slagging us all off as normally happens on these types of thread!
I've been feeling much stronger this week and haven't been too tempted to text exOM, as I know I would once again humiliate myself and appear desperate and clingy. No wonder he ran a mile!!!
I was behaving worryingly like a stalker too earlier in the week, I checked his DW's FB profile and there was a picture of the 2 of them together arms entwined. My God, that felt like a smack in the stomach, I thought I would literally throw up, and kept imagining she had put it on there on purpose as a sort of message to me! Talk about being deluded..
Just had another sneaky look at it, agghhhhhhh, why do I do this to myself?!
I've been finding the baggage reclaim brilliant too, it has such good advice on it, and also comforting to know that other people have been as stupid as you but got over it.

OMG mostly his texts are lovely...until I get annoyed that he hasn't returned a call or something and then we argue and he'll say just forget it, although in fairness he always relents and says he hates arguing and he loves me etc etc.

The problem is he is never going to say what I want to hear and so I am never going to be happy so round in circles we go...

Fab if only deleting his number worked - it has been ingrained into my brain for years. Periodically I delete his details from my phone so that I at least have to manually enter his number before I press send but it inevitably gets re entered after he has called me or sent a particularly lovely text.

Anyway I've done three days now...just hope I can get through the rest of today.

3 days is great. It is roughly where I am. I tell myself how he feels about me and feel sad so that has stopped now because really it doesn't matter what he feels or said or what I feel as I love my DH and there is no where else I want to be but with him.

Fab that is very positive that you know you don't want anyone other than your DH. But why then do you still contact your OM (if you don't mind me asking)
I found in the past I could detatch from OM far easier when I was really focussed on DH but at the moment I can't honestly say that I want DH more than I want OM. Part of me thinks if I could just recover things with DH then I could forget OM but there appears to be little chance of that when in all honesty that is who my heart belongs to.

Who knows why? I wanted my ex to feel the way about me I did him. I wanted to be the one to be able to walk away. I wanted closure. Madness.

Ah I see.

I can relate to that. If I am brutally honest with myself I can't see myself with OM. We don't have a future but I can't help wanting to know that he thinks about it sometimes. How ridiculous is that?!

If I get through this evening tomorrow will be day 4. That is something of a record for me and the thought of having to reset the clock should help. But this is usually the point at which I get an I miss you text.

Any thoughts on response? I have been here soooo many times before. Ignoring him gets me a "I haven't done anything wrong, please don't be like this" response, yet being civil always leads to getting sucked back in.

I know what the answer is really

My last contact was him ringing me within minutes after I had texted to say I needed to speak to him. That was unusual. We didn't have a proper chat as he had to go. The phoned me a couple of days later (at least I think it was him) but I didn't answer as it came back Unknown and my answer phone kicked in. I blocked him. Have no idea if he tried to call or text. I have then texted/sent FB since and have heard nothing back. I sent his dad a message. I loved it when we first talked but he got under my skin immediately and I couldn't eat, sleep or think of anything else. I also had a lot of time feeling cross with him, myself and my kids . Now I feel free, relieved, proud and sad but it is better than the previous feelings.

You don't have to respond .

Can't help with advice - I never get an I miss you. I just get of course I want to speak to you/for us to be friends/am still interested but you're low priority so go wait in line. Well not those exact words of course ;)
I think ignore is your only option but will be hard for you.
Fab - so did you contact your ex 3 days ago? Sorry I must have missed that.

Fab oh the under my skin feeling - know it well. I went through a stage where I couldn't concentrate on my DC either and i still can't eat/sleep properly :( All I can feel is sadness at the moment. Just keep obsessively reading his last message wondering WTF it means :S

The roughly 3 days ago was when I sent him a message via FB. Have deactivated my account now. I haven't heard from him for a couple of weeks or more. Better place now.

OMG , what was his last message? What do you want.

Ironically it was me swallowing my pride years ago that got me in the position of being told he was married when he wasn't but it could have gone a better way. Either way I am where I am now and I either leave and be exes bit on the side or I stay with the man who has never let me down, who loves me very much and who I love. Accept that I was and are happy with DH and stop being a prat over someone who "wasn't ready" and who can cheat on his wife.

BTW I am NOT saying any one else is a prat. God knows, I know how hard all this is.

His last message was saying sorry for hurting me/saying he feels guilty for hurting me/that he isn't playing games/that kind of thing but delivered in a totally unemotional way if that makes sense. Then apologising for being "too complex" for me???? That's the bit I go WTF over. Am I too dim to be with someone so smart is that what it means?
I want him back as my friend BUT with hindsight he only ever was my friend because he wanted more, he got more so doesn't need to be my friend anymore. But I miss that so much. He was so adorably funny and smart and witty and it just sparked between us. He was on my wavelength and it was all so much fun. He keeps saying we're still friends but we're not anymore, it's all serious and hurtful and angstridden and I can't do it anymore.

Fab I'm so glad you have your DH and he's forgiven you for this. We all think about how our lives could have been different but it wouldn't necessarily be good with OM. Just a different set of problems!

I can relate to a lot of what you have posted.

Is he hurting you?

If so, why are you letting him? Believe me I know how that might make you feel. When I told a friend my ex was hurting me she said - because you are letting him, and while it hurt I knew she was right and it was a real wake up call. It didn't work for long but it worked for a bit and I have been where I am so many times but this time is different as I have no back up and by that I mean no way of contacting him.

I accept I will always have a pain in my heart when I think of what might have been and I will always wonder if he will call me when his wife dies (she is much older and ill), but I still won't trade my DH for him and that means we will only be together if we are both widowed. That is something that I do not want to happen. I don't want my husband to die so I can be with my ex so there is my answer about where I need to be and who I love.

Hurting? There have only been a few days in the last few months that I haven't cried! And up till then it had been 5 years since I'd cried. I had all these barriers up because I'd been so badly hurt by my DH and OM told me I could trust him :(
So yes I physically hurt every single day. And it's not worth that I know.
If he'd have wanted me I would have left my DH, but my marriage is very different to yours! I had happiness for the first time and now I don't.
I know I'm worth more than this, I just wish he would have ended it properly so I could grieve and move on.

I understand that as my ex and I were together, I asked what happened now, he said we will get married, I phoned him, a woman answered and I thought he had told her to say he wasn't there as he didn't want to be with me. I know now she was his girlfriend. I told a friend who said I had to move on. I wrote to him saying he was dead to me and why hadn't he told me. I regretted it the second I posted the letter. He and I were on and off more times than I can remember but I always thought we would end up together. That is why I had wanted proper closure. FFS I even thought about him on my wedding day and figured I must be over him.

I am just relieved I have been able to finally cut all contact. I love my husband and we are happy.

I really hope you can get through this. I know how shit and painful it is.

Hi again all - I'm sorry I have been trying to post back on here all day and have written three great long replies that got lost each time I hit send! Bloody dongle!!!

Yes, the Baggage Reclaim site is a lot like therapy and I try to look at it everyday, also the daily email is great.

I'm now 3 days NC. I'm feeling like I'm weakening, and really really want to text him or something, but know I can't as it would just make a mockery of everything I said to him about him having blown my fuses and I now just feel numb. I also have to face him in the office tomorrow and I need to be able to walk in there with my head up high. I know he;s just waiting for me to crumble and get back in touch one way or the other, like I always have done! This knowledge, this thread and also the BR website are hopefully going to stop me from doing it again!!!

Oh but I miss him something terrible.... we were friends for 2 years before anything happened, and I miss the friendship, the easy comfortable way we could talk to each other about anything and everything.... the way we could look each other full in the face and the connection and the smile that would be on both our faces just from looking at each other.... I've NEVER had that with another man - he says he has never had that with another woman, has never known another who radiates their love to him like I do.... I identify with what you said about sparkling for him - I shine when he's near me! I shine because of him and for him. Why and how can he do this? to me, to us? At the end of the day no matter what he's said about why he cant leave, as Nat says on BR, he's CHOSEN to stay with her.... :(

I'm finding it helpful at the moment to be a mixture of trying to stay busy and at other times just completely wallowing in my misery! I'm listening to Adele on a loop! Think I need another look at the Baggage Reclaim! Meh!

Noooooooo don't listen to Adele! It's way to poignant in this kind of situation. I wish you lots and lots of luck for tomorrow, head high and don't waver. You'll be fine :)
Fab - the thing is would you or me ever get proper closure. I doubt my OM could tell me why he's screwing with my head like this, there's definately no way of justifying it! I think we just have to accept this is closure. I have to accept that he isn't an option for me and you that your DH is the better option for you.

OMG I think we all know panicky and desperate on this thread. This is incredibly cathartic for me...nobody having a go even at those who had affairs (including myself).

I spent the day indulging myself and I think I read every word of baggage reclaim until even I got bored of it. I could never really talk to my friends about it because most of them have been married for a while and have forgotten what this can be like. But remember that unrequited love has been going on since the beginning of time..it's spawned millions of songs/poems/novels. It's not like we're experiencing something new.

I'm also beginning to realise that most of these guys are just passive aggressive and too cowardly to spell things out to us so we spend days analysing every nuance of every word. They are just not that into us and that's okay. It would be weird if every single guy fell in love with us...

This thread and the BR site have helped me realise I'm not a complete loser and what I feel is natural. But I already feel a little strength returning and it's an incredible feeling. In fact I can almost see some positives: I now know what I don't want and can act with more dignity in the future. I still ache for the crazy passion and cry when I hear certain tracks. And tomorrow I may be a basket case again, but slowly does it. I was so naive going into this and now I've learned so much.

Not to say I won't be kicking my own butt tomorrow and wailing like a lovestruck teenager!

And forgot to say...you can't be friends OMG...not until you are way way over this. And this too will pass. That heartache is hell though. I felt like the sky had gone grey, my friends bored me, their mundane activities bored me, and every place I went felt empty without him (despite the fact we hardly did anything together that didn't involve bars or bed!)

You want to grieve and have closure...so start now. Start today. I have been unable to read a single book since this thing started...my mind is just elsewhere. But a good DVD boxset actually helped me pass a few hours without being sad. Time, that is all it is. And deciding to be good to yourself. Listen to me...you'd think I knew what I was talking about! But it is slowly easing...when I thought it never would.

So nearly texted him tonight ... was looking at FB for old school friends (just to see their profiles to see what they look like!!!) and found someone who was a good friend of mine but was OMs best mate until they lost contact about 10 years ago. I know OM had often looked on FB etc for him but given up. He's joined a few weeks ago. And all I could think was OM would be so pleased to know he's on there, I should let him know .... then I thought nah fuck him he can't be bothered to be civil to me so why should I be nice to him.
Childish I know but hey we need those little things to make us feel better. :) And Fizz my counsellor told me if songs make you sad it's ok not to listen to them. I find it's a lot easier not to listen to things that remind me of him.

Long time lurker here to say a big thank you for starting this thread and sharing. I've related to so much of what has been said and for the first time not felt alone in the toxic cycle that is contact/no contact. I'm doing ok, it has been 19 hours since my last interaction with him which was practical in nature, necessary, to the point and short. I have just received a goodnight (please make contact with me) text that I deleted immediately and have no intention of responding to. Did pull at my heart strings for a few seconds but then I got my sensible head back on again. The no contact rule is the only way to go in this situation. 7 months of red flags and I've finally woken up. This thread and the Baggage Reclaim site has been a godsend when I needed it most! Good luck to us all!