The no contact/texting/email thread

[cathkidstonbag]

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself :) He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back :( So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing :(
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

MrsRS - you don't need me to tell you that you've done the right thing - but you definately have :) It's that obsessively waiting for contact that's the killer, it really is. I'm so glad you feel better having called time on it, you might have a bit of a rocky road ahead but it will be so worth it.
KiiKii - keep strong. Be that strong independent woman. You don't need this in your life.
Well I was up to 3 days until late this morning. Wonder sometimes WTF is wrong with me. I was happy last week that we seemed to be back as friends but I need to accept he's not that because of how he wants to play this. I need to crack this, I really do.

KiiKii good luck with that, I've told myself I wouldn't respond for the last 3 months!!! That's why I was so cross with myself this morning because I know he was waiting for me to do it and knowing I would. So I just make myself look pathetic. You need to be tough and set me a good example :D

I panicked when I read OMG might get this threat deleted and just wanted to say that this thread has been so helpful to me.

I am used to being judged on MN...and wow this thread comes along and no judgement. I don't want to hear about the rights and wrongs, marriage vows, etc. I know all that. But hey, guess what, people are flawed.

This has become a bit of a little soft landing for me when I'm feeling crappy about everything. I hope we can continue the NC thread. From reading all your posts, nobody is an evil person. Stuff happens, we mess up, make mistakes etc.

I will post my own little crap scenario in a minute...just wanted to say I hope thread continues...

After feeling all high and mighty and "yeah over him." Well I am the biggest loser on the NC thread to date. Met him last night for dinner because he asked me (oh guess what? I was instantly available...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? It was really nice, we laughed and had a lovely time. Reminder: OM is divorced, I am the one that cheated my DH but no guilt there (no sex for a hundred years, no love, blah, etc)

So why today do I feel like crap? Because I am f*ing trying to hold on to a fantasy of a man who likes to have sex with me and charms me. Hell we all know deep down what deep true feelings are...and he has none for me. I have been telling myself I can deal with sporadic contact but I can't. I can't even see the appeal..I think I just want a connection with someone, somewhere....therapists would have a field day.

I really like him, but even I can tell the connection is basically about great sex. Why am I clinging on? I seriously wonder about my self-esteem. But all I know right now is that I am aching for the amazing times we had together....wish I had the strength of character to just move on FGS. :-(

UGH!!!!!!!!!!

KiiKii - See look at you, day 3 already :D I will try my absolute hardest ok?
Fizzfiend - I'm sorry about saying about getting the thread deleted but the thought that it was hurting people just freaked me out. I'm not a person who does that, I don't want to be a bad person. Having read your story I'm a teeny bit jealous - great sex, what's that? ;) But totally see how difficult it must be for you. I know what it's like to be so unhappy at home but like me you're getting your self esteem knocked even further by someone else. Sporadic contact is not for you I don't think and I hope you realise you are worth more than that.
MrsRS - oh yes I used to think women who had affairs were total slappers. I mean how could they? And I was safe from that kind of thing and a good person. All it took was a few compliments from a trusted friend and I was over the line before I even realised it. Im not so quick to judge others now, nobody knows what they might do or be capable of doing.
HRH - sounds like you went thru a bad time but good to hear you are over it. It's a certain kind of man that does this I think, not a nice one :(

One last Q from people that understand. I love my friends but they don't get it...they give me all the right advice (run away, move on!) but cannot truly understand like all you NC people!

I have expended 3 years of massive emotions on OM...I guess I want to know it wasn't completely wasted. So please tell me: instead of being so typically British and avoiding all the big Q, should I just ask if this ever meant ANYthing? I am with a typical Brit....avoid all dodgy questions. I honestly have no idea if I meant anything...and that is doing my head in.

If he is honest and says that it was just sex (but he loved it, etc) it might actually help me move on and learn. If he says he felt something but not enough...that would be good too.

Think I've answered my own question. But I think I just keep running back to get some answers...oh communication...wouldn't it be good if we could all do it properly? Any insight NC-ers?

The few RL friends who know don't get it either. I actually lost a very good friend over all this because my obsessiveness got too much for her to deal with :( My best friend just can't understand why I can't move on, mind you I don't understand either!!!
I asked that question along with don't you care how much you hurt me, don't you feel any guilt for what happened and I did get a reply that of course it meant something, he was sorry for hurting me etc. Didnt help tbh! He just told me what I wanted to hear and I felt grubby for asking him and knew he felt more in control because I had asked. Not saying you shouldn't ask but in my case it didn't help. I knew I'd meant something but I knew I hadn't meant enough. And the questions still remain in my mind. Last week I made a jokey comment about if he was talking to me again I must be doing something right and he said I'd never done anything wrong. All I could think then was so why did you treat me like this then? Didn't ask tho because he'd just trot out some trite answer or not answer at all.
I'm sick of this now, sick of the games. Hate the fact that I shared souch about myself with someone who didn't deserve me.

OMG I played the whole thing in my stupid head and figured he would probably give me the answers I wanted. You r so right. What is the goddam point. Why am I tortured by this idiot man? Probably because he made me feel so happy. Now I'm feeling shitty again.

I know u r feeling similar. Sucks doesn't it. So down, so missing feeling loved and special. So incredible while it lasted. Oddly I dont even want him back - I want him to want me though - what does that say about me? Flipping loser!

I'll be back on top one day but I do wonder if ill evef get over this. Sorry that's all u need - Debbie downer!

He will give you the exact answers you want but you'll never know if he means them. Please don't give him the satisfaction of asking him. You did mean a lot because you are a fantastic person and far more than he deserves - does that help if I say it? You KNOW it too, you deserve better. Tortured is the exact phrase I use. I'm consumed by this, I'm just a shell with my heart ripped out and stamped on. Im stuck in between depression and anger, I don't eat or sleep and feel no happiness and for what??? Some bloke who played me and used me. But yes I was so happy, for the first time in years and years and that's what I miss. That feeling of somebody being interested in me but it wasn't worth it. To feel like this a few months after. My life has gone back to being black and White instead of technicolour and now I know what I've been missing for years. That's what makes me so sad. And I like to think I wouldn't take him back either. That he could beg and grovel and I'd walk away (or whatever the online equivalent is!!!) but that's never gonna happen!
Truthfully I don't think I'll ever 100% get over this. It will fade and stop hurting I know but I'm always going to be damaged by it. It's the loss of the person I thought I was that's the major thing. That person with morals and values and integrity. I'm not her anymore. And I worry that I will stay in my marriage forever, partly because I'll never trust anyone else so might as well stay and partly because this way I can punish myself every single day for what I did.
Enough of a downer for you? Whatever you're feeling I'm feeling too and I haven't even made it through first day of NC yet!!!

Ladies these men have the problem not you all you did was let these people tap into your insecurities they need the thrill.You do love you or are addicted to you but what if all the drama was removed and they were in deed there every day without any roller coaster of emotions... would you ever really trust them not to do it again and when you feel you can see straight would you resent them for putting you through this in the first place?
love is a drug a powerful one and you need to wean yourself off this brand and then you you see clearly it is so difficult but set small goals first the first 2 weeks are the hardest keep focused on the negatives in the relationships not the positives come on lets not waste another day stay strong xxx

'You do love you or are addicted to you' = you do love them or are you addicted to them

fizz - I can relate to that. When we were together when younger they would tell me to leave him as he was hurting me/couldn't give me what I wanted, but when I did finish with him and was heart broken, where we they?

I think I am quite possibly the most crazy on here and if I can stop any contact then you certainly can.

Fab - I don't think you're the most crazy, after all I started the thread ;) and I'm obsessed with some bloke I haven't even seen for over 20 years!!! Probably if I saw him in RL I'd wonder what the hell I was thinking!
Headheldhigh - it is an addiction and even when it was at it's height I knew deep down I couldn't ever trust him. But you're right not to waste another day. It's my life I'm throwing away here!

i am so routing for everyone even the people not here lets not give these men an inch ' thanks but NO thanks!' xx

I'm sorry to hear about your setback. I'm sure she did feel like punching you, it's hard but that's the way of the world. Yes you have caused her hurt but it was her DH that made vows to her, not you.

As for having the man you should have, I try to bear the Rolling Stones in mind when I feel like this, 'you can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes, you get what you need'.

I also have the work related complication. For reasons I won't go into, the OM in my situation should be done in my department at least (maybe my organisation) in the next few months, and certainly by the end of the year.

As for my progress, it has been mixed. I did not contact him, but he phoned me and asked if we could meet for coffee. We did and it was just plain awkward - mostly because having not been in contact for two days, he wanted to 'borrow' money. So at the moment, I don't want to hear from him (and I definitely won't be contacting him) as he just seems to think I'm a source of money. At the same time I miss him and am upset at not hearing from him (yes I know). I hope that it passes soon.