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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The no contact/texting/email thread

849 replies

cathkidstonbag · 14/06/2011 14:19

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself :) He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back :( So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing :(
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

OP posts:
KiiKii · 03/07/2011 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOriginalFAB · 03/07/2011 21:43

And we will be here for as long as you need.

I wish this thread had been around 2 years ago. I got completely battered when I posted back then.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 04/07/2011 07:15

It seems this thread is really upsetting some people on here which I feel really bad about :( Yet another thing to play on my mind at the moment.
Determined to manage this NC thing but will be v hard today as youngest DC is really poorly and I'll be at home doing cuddling on the sofa and have nothing else to occupy me and stop me contacting. I wish I could turn the clock back and it be 2 years ago before we became friends. I was miserable and unhappy then but nothing compared to now!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 04/07/2011 07:20

KiiKii - I hope you manage to get out of it before too deep too. I do know how it's feeling for you right now but it will be bad when it's over. Really really bad.

3 days for me now. And I haven't even obsessively checked my phone in that time. Feel very numb about it all and like it's all slightly hazy. Or that could be the fact I haven't eaten properly for days :S

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 04/07/2011 08:08

omg - quiet day on the sofa with nice snacks and the telly. Make sure you eat and well done on getting to 3 days. I promise you it does get easier.

krispykremeaddict · 04/07/2011 08:14

Day 2 of no contact here and krispykremeaddict has taken herself off to work via Starbucks and is going to write a presentation, will not stare out of the window or at the phone.

I am trying to focus on the anger at the moment and channel this into switching off from him. Don't you love it when you can make statements like that and almost convince yourself? I am dreading the moment when it comes crashing down and the unbearable pain of missing him returns.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 04/07/2011 08:25

KKA - oh yes I say things like that all the time. And write little notes to that effect. Makes me feel more in control, briefly until I lose focus again!
Enjoy your Starbucks :) and good luck for today.
Fab - thank you :)

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 04/07/2011 08:53

This thread is predominately to support people in/recovering/trying to leave affairs. It is not for 'wronged wives' like me. And, therefore, I shouldn't post on it. However, it has given me an insight to the minds of people who behave this way and has answered some of my questions. I simply couldn't understand why a woman would 'go in' on a marriage, where's the female solidarity, etc.Low esteem seems to be apparent in quite a few cases. I know the men in these situations are the main offenders. In some cases they appear to keep the women hanging on, teasing them while playing 'happy families' and lying 'by omission' to their wives and families. Good, strong, solid men, eh?
Most do feel quilt for what you are doing. One poster (hasn't posted in a while) in particuliar I found insulting to womankind in general, in that she resented the 'wife' for having her husbands finacial support, working part time, etc., she was vitriolic and had never even met this woman whose husband she was 'carrying on ' with. She was/is very deluded.
It is interesting, to say the least.

FreakoidOrganisoid · 04/07/2011 11:46

I've noticed that most (all?) of you are refering to the person you've gone nc with as OM...do you think that makes it easier, having a dh/dp of your own to focus on? Only asking because this thread has really opened my eyes, I've been telling myself I'd have never have got involved with him if I'd been in a relationship but maybe that means just as much as me having never thought I'd get involved with someone else's boyfriend until I did. Also I'm finding it hardest in evenings/weekends when I'm alone, lonely, missing him, and imagining them doing stuff together and assumed it wouldn't be hard if I had someone myself-he wasn't the om for me but THE man.

Aisling sorry this must be hard for you to read, btu it really is a thread for those of us who are trying to stop contact and people are supporting each other in that not encouraging them to have an affair or enabling them to do so. yes we've all done wrong and it may be a case of too little too late but we are all trying to do the right thing now.

As for reasons, yes low self esteem plays a part for me; but mostly it was a (I can now see typical) case of getting out of a bad relationship, making a great new friend and not realising until I was already in deep that we weren't just friends and that my feelings for him went way beyond that. Physically barely anything happened between us, but emotionally yes he had an affair with me but because we weren't really doing anything other than just hanging out as friends I denied it to myself for a long time. Stuff did happen physically but it wasn't the focus of our relationship-we never arranged to meet in order to have sex for example. So denial was a major factor, because I NEVER thought i'd be someone who did that so didn't admit it to myself. Does that make any sense at all?

krispykremeaddict · 04/07/2011 11:58

Freakoid in some ways it does make nc easier I suppose, for example, I physically can't just pick up the phone some evenings, and also when he goes quiet on me, I think 'oh well, it is giving me space to work my life out'. But it's hard in some ways too, I'm such a cow to my DH sometimes and maybe that's through loving OM so much, I have to detach from DH. I also find myself wanting to hit myself over the head for doing this when DH is such a good man, why would I be so obsessed with OM? I have something that is objectively much better at home. It's like eating a dirty Big Mac when you could be having steak at Claridges.

Aisling I am truly sorry that this is hard for you to read, though hope the insight it has given you has been productive in some way (I won't say positive, because there is nothing positive from these messes).

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 04/07/2011 12:02

Freakoidorganised -swings and roundabouts really. I find it soul destroying to be in a marriage with someone who doesn't care for me yet I still feel horrendous guilt at my deceit (was never physical but I actually think emotional is sometimes worse). I can't go to pieces and cry when I have to hold it together and be perfect wife and mummy. For you it's probably worse from the point of view of not having anybody to distract your thoughts though?
And I think all of us on here had/have self esteem problems but also it's a certain kind of man who does this I think. Like someone earlier said - a cake eater.
Aislingora - if posting on here makes you feel better then do so. I know it must be difficult for you being on the other side but sometimes good people make mistakes. And most of us on here would love to be able to turn back the clock and never have gone through this. I am responsible for what I did and admit to that. But am I more responsible than a man who knew the problems in my marriage and I trusted as a friend? I know he feels no guilt and I am consumed by it. Every day I hate myself for what I did and what I lost and could still lose. And posting on here gives me and everyone else support that we need.

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 04/07/2011 14:17

It's not 'hard' for me to read, (but thanks for concern) and you are being very nice to me when I'm being so hard on you! It's more of an insight to how people in these situations think. I don't think the majority of posters are bad people, just a bit mixed up. The only poster that actually gave offence was Blondie (something) and that was way back.
One think I will say is, try and put yourselves into the wife's shoes for a bit.
My DH's affair was 2 years ago, and as I said before ,he did stop all contact and concentrated on us and as a result we are stronger than ever

headheldhigh · 04/07/2011 15:08

when i wrote on here i guessed it was for people who were in unhealthy relationships and who wanted to break free i am not having an affair i am just trying to get through having another relationship with a man who was not a good person selfish controlling and dominant - i think that most people on here have been trapped/fooled in to unsuitable relationships and are like me trying to get their self worth back 1 so they don't go back and 2 so they don't make the same mistake again - to be cheated on is a horrible thing but some times its confusing who is cheating on who these men are the ones that lie and convince people they are in a marriage thats dead....

krispykremeaddict · 04/07/2011 15:39

aisling I'm glad to hear you and your DH are stronger than ever. I think most posters probably hear where you are coming from and are generally harder on themselves than anyone else could be.

headheldhigh I wish you luck on your journey. There aren't many safe places to post, so it's good that this exists for people in all kinds of situations really.

Blondie73 · 04/07/2011 16:16

Hi, Blondie Something here.... just for the last time. Won't be posting on here again - I did type out a very detailed response to Aislingorla earlier, but my PC lost it when I hit POST and couldnt be bothered to retype it all again, so I'll just say this then disappear off back under my rock again.

Aislingorla - I'm sure it was very hard when your husband did what he did, but unless you have read ALL the posts (including all of mine) I don't really think you can comment on my situation OR judge. I assume you HAVEN'T read all my posts as you only seem to keep coming back to the one you keep mentioning. And why are you posting on here about specific posters if you havent read the whole thing?? Read page 12 if you fancy, where I'm saying I've told him to go back to his relationship, concentrate solely on her, I even posted the message I sent to him telling him to leave me alone, and put everything into his marriage, and that he couldnt do that if I was still featuring in his life. Anyway, have a read.... bye!

Aislingorla · 04/07/2011 16:27

Yes, I suppose it is noble of you to tell him to concentrate on his marriage. What I was objecting to was the horrible, jealous, nasty way you spoke about his wife! Based on what exactly? What he told you and he's a liar, isn't he? Or does his wife know about you?It is very unreasonable of you to resent her when you are the one who had an affair with her husband!
I don't want to or have to read all the posts to judge you, you juge his wife very harshly based on what he tells you, I judge you based on what you write !

TheOriginalFAB · 04/07/2011 17:10

Nothing wrong in being jealous of a woman who is married to the man you want. Hell, I hate my exes wife and have no reason too. She got lucky, or maybe not as he cheats..

baguettecut · 04/07/2011 17:42

Actually, as a lurker here, I feel it's a little unkind to gatecrash a thread that has been very supportive to many women. There seem to be many different types of people here. Bad things happen to good people, and all that....

It's a little like commenting negatively on a breastfeeding thread...You see my point. Here is not the place.

Okay, said my piece - now back to lurkdom.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 04/07/2011 17:52

Look I've offered to ask to get this thread deleted. I understand some people may find it distasteful. Every person on here is here because they feel guilty and want to stop a situation. We aren't enjoying ourselves and throwing a party. We are supporting each other through a difficult time and whilst it may be thought that it's our own fault, none of us lured or hypnotised the men in question. None of us are proud of what we've done or happy with ourselves. The sheer number of posts on here shows it is a very big problem and not something most of us can discuss in RL so we need the support.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 04/07/2011 17:58

No need to get this deleted. This thread is helping lots of people and if someone has a problem with it they can hide it.

Aislingorla · 04/07/2011 18:21

I agree, don't have it taken off.
I've given my tuppence worth and I'll stay away from posting on it now.

KiiKii · 04/07/2011 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

headheldhigh · 04/07/2011 20:02

KiiKii
'I am a strong, independent, confident woman. I look good, I feel good ' you said it come on make the stand do you really want to feel horrid like this next year the year after? sticking around will keep you in this loop leaving will set you on a road that can only go one way you may have good days bad days but you will be on the road to recovery stay strong xx

Mrsrobertsmith · 04/07/2011 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

headheldhigh · 04/07/2011 20:14

feel better already nearly 4 weeks one blip depths of despair but getting there no going back only going forward and if i spend the rest of my life on my own its better than being with the wrong one