The no contact/texting/email thread

[cathkidstonbag]

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself :) He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back :( So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing :(
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

Hi,
I'm sorry if I have offended anyone by calling my ex/OM an "emotional retard", it's just that he is incapable of showing anyone his feelings or even discussing them, he is the same with everyone in RL, not just me but his GF and even his mother, it's just the way he is.
I am not in any way derogatory towards mentally disabled ppl at all and was only trying to get my point across, I shall not use that term again to describe my ex.

i am in the same position my relationship of 2 years ended by text i am gutted more so that i invested the time into a relationship that was never going to go amy where i put up with it i made all the compromises and i kept my mouth shut i should have been the one to end it i was the injured party he had the horrible mood swings selfish behaviour and odd manners i am upset that after 3 weeks he can just switch off i haven't contacted him but did i mean so little to him that he just doesn't care i have so many reasons for leaving his can only be that i wasn't good enough i couldn't be any more than i was and feel totally broken i am desperate to contact him and 'make friends' i hate myself for how i have lost my self worth and belief if i was the best i was and it wasn't good enough who else will want me

Fab - you are so right. I am starting to feel better about this. Still checking my inbox but kind of resigned to the fact that unless I hassle him he won't reply and not sure I can keep doing that. It's soul destroying. Still bewildered as to why he's kept everything I sent him but that's his choice. If he gets caught he has far more to lose.
Dessie - I do know what you mean with that phrase but it seems most of the men we talk about on here are likewise. I think it takes a certain type of man to behave like this, one who can control his emotions. I think it would be awful to live with someone like that tbh.
Headheldhigh - you didn't waste those 2 years. You learnt some valuable lessons. Don't contact him if you think it will make you feel worse. Look after yourself for a while.
Mrsrobertsmith - only you can know what you really need to do here. But surely you can't carry on this way forever. In my case I knew I would have left my DH before things got any deeper but it never came to that. If you know you won't leave yours then that must be the answer you need?

Okay, I've read through here and I'm ready to join you.

Potted history: Was in a long term relationship with DP, but due to his reluctance to commit, we broke up. While DP and I were on a break, I met someone, it was very intense and I loved him very very much, but it was all very messy as DP and I were still living together (but separately) and then this new man met someone. A little further down the line, DP and I got back together and he became my DH. In all honesty, I still thought about the other man, but had accepted it was over. However, we worked together so I did see him sometimes, and there were a couple of occasions where he tried to put the moves on, and I turned him down (very, very difficult).

At the end of last year,he got back in contact, and we started things up again, but after a couple of weeks, he ended it, which I was sad about but also relieved as I was in so much turmoil about walking away from my marriage. I concentrated hard on my marriage, the OM and I were no longer in contact and I gave up socialising. I still missed him so much. Throughout this time, DH and I have had a few problems, largely centred around the fact that since we got married, I have wanted to start a family and he is reluctant.

Last month, OM sent me a message through Facebook to ask if I was going to a mutual friend's barbecue (I was) and was I going alone (again, yes). Assumed this was just him checking whether my DH was going as he probably wouldn't have gone if that were the case. I walked in, saw him and, well, I knew I was done for. Things started up again and have been pretty intense for a month. I want to finish it because I know no good can come of it, but I've just been addicted. I don't want to end my marriage over just sex. Very mixed messages from him which I know means he isn't at all bothered; has called it off for a few days, has said it isn't going to amount to anything, but then we've also had a weekend away together and spent alot of time together. I was away with work (not with him) and he phoned and texted a lot, including asking 'why can't I see how great together we are' - I bloody well can.

This weekend, my DH has been away. He's such a lovely man, but I haven't missed him. I know I need to do the right thing and end my marriage. Coincidentally, OM has also been away and while I got a few text messages, these have dried up which I know means he's met someone. Him being away has been torture, I miss him so much. So I think it is over and I need to go no contact.

Congratulations if you got this far. I just wanted to introduce myself and give my story.

Krispykremeaddict - agree with MrsRS could he just be keeping his distance? If you know you don't love your DH then now is the time to leave before children complicate the issue.
MrsRS - I do understand about the children thing, I have 3 and huge issues over whether i would allow another man into their lives. But I would have done it for OM - ashamed to say :( And if he'd wanted us to wait 10 years I would have viewed those as 10 wasted years tbh. Why should you both stay married to people you don't love for the sake of children who won't thank you for it! They will know you are unhappy. I think you need to talk to OM seriously, if you want to be together then you can't be unhappy for 10 years :(

Thanks mrsrobertsmith. OM isn't exactly the kind of man to be considerate enough to give me any space, when he wants me, he wants me, regardless of my circumstances. When there's someone new on the horizon, it goes quiet. Tells you it all really.

OM is clear he doesn't want a future with me, and I guess this is what stops me having the guts to leave DH. I really want to be with OM but have to accept that he doesn't feel the same. Would help if he wasn't so damn attentive. It hasn't been just sex, it's coffees, cinema trips, buying me books, going to art exhibitions. The physical connection is very strong for me, but the intellectual one is big too.

I know what you mean about needing space. When I went away on work, I was so looking forward to some time and space, and I felt like my detox was working, but OM contacted a lot, met me from the airport and I came home as confused as ever.

I'm glad I found you here though, been feeling like a stupid teenager and walking cliche. It's been lonely.

krispy - I have to disagree with the majority as I don't think he has stepped back to give you space. This man doesn't care about marriage vows so wouldn't have the consideration to leave you alone. I suspect he is getting what he wants somewhere else.

With me, mine loved me but he loved his child more and that is exactly how it should be.

TheOriginalFAB I agree with you entirely. He really doesn't have much concern for my marriage vows, and why should he, given I haven't shown them any regard. At one point, before it reared up last year and he asked if we could be friends, I said no and pointed out that I had backed off when he was in a relationship and would appreciate him respecting the fact that I was married.

I really feel for all of you who are constrained due to family circumstances. For what it's worth, my parents are divorced and it wasn't the affair that hurt but my mother's gaslighting and eventual abandonment (yes I have ishoos and I am finally seeing a counsellor). A few of my friends parents stayed together for them and ultimately split up when they left home, it didn't make things any easier, but that their childhoods were a lie. But I know it isn't as easy to do anything, changing family dynamics is so damn hard.

Perhaps they (Married Men) also love their wives more than the OW and that's why they don't leave?

My exes parents split when he was 17/18 and he was devastated. I think that might have something to do with him staying until his child has left home.

Welcome krispy and headheldhigh. I think the term we're looking for regarding most of these men are 'cake eaters' know what I'm saying? I'm a bit of a fraud regarding this thread anyway, had a 2 hour convo on fb last night with OM regarding feelings and all that rubbish, hes reeling me in again, in his words 'god when I'm with you its love, sexual, sorry' wtf! Anyway, I can see me struggling with nc big time!

Does it count as a day of no contact if you ring from a withheld number and put the phone down before the other person picks up just to see if it rings? oh god what has happened to me?

That was yesterday morning so I guess today WILL be my first day of no contact

well put it out into the universe and something will happen. had a text this morning asking how i was and saying he was sorry i didn't deserve it
too right i didn't stupidly text back and stroked his ego had a few texts bright and breezy but i am not going back i had 3 weeks and four days no contact i will call this a blip and carry on ......

Hello new ladies that have joined and to all existing members, just wanted to bring up a point about me and my OM, we have both always said that it would have never have worked out between us and he would never have made me happy as we both want different things in life.
I wanted a marriage and children and he will barely entertain the idea of living with someone.
I find that when I am in contact with him it is abit of escapism from my normal RL.
Headheldhigh, it's Monday tomorrow and i'm awaiting a txt as usual so i'm going to stay strong and not blip again.
Also I have my 1st councilling session next week, OM will become one of my many topics, but I think it will be good to discuss it all with someone impartial face to face.

I am struggling. He bought me a book and I've finished reading it and am desperate to text him. I don't want to give in - I don't want to give him that satisfaction and I suspect he's with a girl so there's no point. I just miss him. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

Text me if you want.

A couple of times in the last fortnight I have had a text and when I have picked my phone up and seen it is a number and no name my heart has been in my mouth. For a split second I had been scared it was him and not wanted it to be. I then made myself open the text and was relieved it wasn't him. I am resisting the urge to track back and see how long it has been as I know it is less than my most time I have already done but there is no going back for me. I don't even care any more that he can walk away from me so easily. I said to him it was just a game to him and he said it wasn't as that would be a challenge. He said he didn't mean I was easy.

Mrsrobertsmith, I hope that it is effective, I had councilling years ago when I was 17 the first time around to try and get over him, I had one session and it took me 18 months before I felt ready to start seeing other men, I hope that this time it works and I can get rid of him for good. But it will be like saying goodbye to part of myself as I have known him now since I was 15, like half my life.
I know he is no good for me and I have a nice life now with DH and DD, onwards and upwards.
Krispykreme, it is really hard I know and the missing them is the worst part along with wondering what they are upto, try to keep occupied and the time will pass.

Thanks ladies. I am seeking solace in a box of chocolates, a cup of tea and writing it down (I won't send it, I never do, but I have to have a purge). I will be asleep in three hours and then at least the pain of missing him will be put on hold. Am painfully aware that I'm making myself sound like some tortured heroine in a novel. I know the story is not good and he is not leading man material. Really, really not.

i feel crap i am gutted how dare he make contact and then leave me hanging i now want to text agggggggggggggggggggggg

It's awful that someone else can totally determine our moods, isn't it? What have we become?!

mrsrobertsmith I was content enough before too (well not entirely, I just didn't know there was a whole world out there). I have known my OM for 3 and a half years, and have loved him for almost as long, in spite of lengthy spells apart. I've grown accustomed to loving him yet not having him. It's just a part of me now.

headheldhigh I feel your aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

I have managed more than 24 hours. Trouble is, I've gone 8 months before and ended up at square one. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr