Not okay, no. The scales fell from my eyes today after three years of a largely EA, and I feel so, so low.
I met my OM four years ago. On a course. We were good friends, he made it obvious he wanted more. Old, old story...my marriage wasn't great, but I wasn't admitting it to myself. Needed attention and he gave it - in spades. After a few months of being flirty friends and emailing all day, I caved and we had a snog. This led to an eight month affair during which we never had full sex, but did everything else.
During the affair I kept breaking it off and going NC, but kept caving. I also persuaded my dh to go for counselling, as I thought it would help me get over OM, but I'm ashamed to say I resumed the affair during counselling.
To be honest, counselling showed me that I should end my marriage, but dh is resolute that's not what he wants, and I can't bear to break up my family.
OM is married, no kids, much older than me.
I utterly adored him, we were so close, and he told me that he loved me so many times...he wishes he'd met me years ago, I was everything he ever wanted, all he usual.
Anyway, a year ago last May I ended it and confessed all to my dh. He was devastated. He forgave me and persuaded me to recommit to our marriage, which I did, probably knowing my heart wasn't in it. I was honest with dh and told him that I still loved OM, didn't love him the way I should, etc. He just said that I made a promise when I married him, and he was holding me to it, and that if I wanted to leave I'd have to file for divorce as he was not going to voluntarily leave his kids. He also said that any divorce would not be amicable.
There followed nearly a year of NC, which was a living hell. I spent a year like a zombie, looking for OM everywhere I went, thinking of him constantly, drinking too much...you name it. Then in March I hit rock bottom, and deliberately put myself in his path. We started stalking each other on FB, then messaging. Since then up to today we've been in daily contact, with our usual angsting and occasional meetings that usually ended in a snog. The thing was, I was always realistic about what we were doing, pointing out the dangers and pitfalls. Not deluding myself was the only thing that stopped me being a cliche.
The other day I was on one of my honesty tips and I said I knew how it would end - I'd be on my own because dh would find out and he would never leave his wife. He was gutted, said it wasn't fair, being on your own is awful. We met today and it was brought home to me for the first time that all I've ever been, all I ever was going to be was a bit on the side.
Even though he always said he'd never leave his wife, maybe there was a tiny part of me that hoped he would, or hoped he wanted to. No.
And it was also brought home to me that I love him so, so much more than he loves me. He said that he wanted our affair to carry on. I said the fact that he could bear it, the separation, the inability to do something as simple as have a coffee together shows that he is miles away from where I am.
Then I walked away from him. For the first time ever. And he didn't follow me.
Now he's blocked me from his fb page. He's never done that before. I messaged him, and he hasn't replied.
I'm devastated, and I don't deserve to be. I've brought it all on myself.
Sorry this is so long. I'm self-indulgent. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be in this mess.
If you've stayed with it this long, thank you.