Kiikii, you sound very much like me a year ago. Everyone I spoke to about it advised me to just forget about him back then, but I didn't because I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing him, I was hoping his situation would change, I was kidding myself we could be just friends and my feelings would fade...I was also hooked on the attention and excitement...told myself it was different from everyone else's situation, that what we had was special. And yes, it was, to have such an immediate connection with someone is rare, and it is special, but that doesn't make it right and actually, with hindsight, I can see that it wasn't so much different to everyone else's situation. Different circumstances yes, but so much of it was following the script.
I know this won't make any difference to you at all, because it didn't to me, but honestly, it will hurt less if you walk away now. I don't regret the time I had with him exactly, but now that i've finally had to let him go I can see it would have been a lot less painful if I'd done it at the beginning, before he'd become such a big part of my life, before I was quite so emotionally attached to him. I now have films that remind me of him, outfits that remind me of him, 'his' cup in the cupboard, songs that remind me of him, it's hard to get over him when I feel like I'm assaulted by memories of him all the time, and that would have been easier if we'd shared less together.
The good times were great, never reget those, but how much more time was spent feeling envious of his gf, missing him, feeling lonely, second guessing myself, waiting for texts, feeling rejected or sad?
I've spent so much emotional energy on him over the past year, from the excitement and buzz of seeing him or getting a text, to the disappointment of not hearing from him or getting a 'cold' text because he was with his gf, the crushing pain every time he said he was going home (because home was her) and I'm wondering now, what was it all for?
I wasn't ready to hear it before, but I can see now that severing the link is the only way to move forward, how could I have before when he was one minute telling me how much he cared and the next sending me an abrupt text without kisses on etc...hot and cold all the way through, not because he didn't care or was playing games but simply because he had a whole other life, his real life, and so couldn't invest in me fully.
Sorry this is really long, I started out writing to you but am now more thinking out loud and writing to myself, it helps to keep me focussed on what's the other side of the pain.
I hope you manage to get through this without too much hurt, it's really hard and I think many people underestimate it when they expect you to just shrug it off and move on.
Iknowmyhead sorry you are feeling sad, but I can completely relate to your last paragraph. For a long time he has been the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night and it's hard to break that habit. I'm also dreaming of him every night at the moment which is very difficult. BUT there is also a sense of relief now that I'm not waiting for his calls or to see him, I don't get that jittery anticipation everytime a text comes (or the disappointment when it isn't him) because I already know it won't be him. It's really hard and upsetting to think that it won't ever be him, but at the same time I'm no longer waiting and feel as though I can now move on with my life.